Bye bye to my baby (years)

I think it is the norm that with the ending and then beginning of each stage of parenthood, there is some grief. I'm feeling that right now around my daughter starting Morning Kindy today.

At three and a half she started afternoon Kindy, which was just two hours a session, three times a week. Now she's going five mornings a week, for three - four hours a session.

It's kind of bittersweet for me, her moving to the next stage of independence. I have all these wonderful memories of her and I at home all week - just the two of us. I loved the freedom of doing what we wanted before the Kindy years. Yet at the same time obviously it's time to let go - and she's ready. My precious daughter is growing up and that sinking feeling that she-could-be-my-only-one makes it harder to let her go in some ways.

In other ways I'm ready for the extra "me time"! I have my first week as a Mum of a Morning Kindy child planned, well and truly. Today I stayed for the whole session with my daughter to familarise myself and to give her some moral support. She also had a special education teacher and her new teachers aide there. She will have a teachers aide for two hours a session so there is no need for me to hover around, though I will certainly be popping in and out of Kindy from time to time.

So tomorrow morning I'm off to the gym at 9.15 with a friend followed by a sauna and a coffee. Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to do the gym thing again and Friday I'm meeting another friend for a coffee and a walk on the beach.

I soooooo deserve this bonus me time. I feel like I need the space to just be and process the last few weeks/months - even years. Gone is the dream of having a baby at home while my daughter moved into Morning Kindy. The only person I will be nurturing will be me - but I think that's a good thing.

Tomorrow night we start our marriage counselling and I feel pretty good about that. Good that I instigated it and am making the space and time to look at "us." (Just got the reminder phone-call as I wrote that).

I've also been going with who I am/where I want to go in life a lot. I am someone who truly values relationships and friendships with others and it's important to me to make the time to catch up with those that are dear to me (as friends and family are scattered all over the place). So I'm off to Auckland in late June for a friends 40th for a weekend - just me! And late October I am taking my Mum to see Mamma Mia! in Wellington - which equates to another weekend away for me.

I just really need the personal space at the moment. Yet at the same time I'm attempting to stay in more at night - to not go so much to the gym then - more in the mornings when and if it works out. I'm pretty good at running away from things. I know I've been running away from the pain of SIF from time to time.

I've had some amazing deep and meaningful conversations with some friends lately. I guess I am in a space where I am open to change and am just going with the flow - whatever that means in my life. Perhaps things are going to be a little different to what I'd hoped - or expected. I'm not sure. It is not so scarey to just let things go the way they are heading anymore. I guess I've stopped fighting or trying to make my life go a certain way. It just is where it is. Neither here nor there right now - but it's going somewhere.

I posted off our first official application for going through with adoption this afternoon. It feels a little odd to have done that given so many aspects of my life - internal life at least - are up in the air/being altered. It does open a can of worms for me thinking about adoption. I especially don't feel good enough as a prospective adoptive parent. But we are just who we are and are just where we are in life so all we can do is apply and see if we meet the criteria for prospective adoptive parents. Ideally I would have preferred to have been in a better financial situation, to have our own home, to be in a better place within my marriage and to not be so scarred by SIF - but it's just the way it is.

I figure it's going to take months to process all the paperwork - we are only at the beginning. I don't think it's a bad thing continuing the adoption process despite some of the uncertainities going on. Obviously we'd pull out if it totally felt like the wrong thing to do.

When someone asked me about adoption the other day I said I didn't know if it was the answer for us. That's my truth - I don't know. But we have nothing to lose if we proceed.

I just feel like I've entered a new chapter where it's about a big farewell to the pre-Kindy years. All the time and energy I've put into my daughter - especially with her ASD - can now start to go into me as well. I'm grateful my daughter and I have another year together before school. At least we still have the afternoons together.

But for the Grace of God, Go I

It's been a time of self-examination that has brought up lots of stuff for me of late. As time goes on, it is obvious that there were other issues lying beneath SIF. But I am dealing with them and facing them. I feel immense spiritual and emotional growth is going on and I know - just know - I will be rewarded for pushing through my pain and turning it around.

I have been thinking that we all get hard times in life. Perhaps because those of us who are TTC are typically under forty - maybe forty-five - we are still only half-way through our lives. It could be possible for some that IF or SIF might be the first ever personal crisis they ever dealt with.

Personally SIF wasn't my first personal crisis - but it has proven to have cut just as deeply as what I believe was my first "rock-bottom" in life. But as per my last crisis, I can see and feel that there is a silver lining amongst it all.

Next week my husband and I start marriage counselling. One of the biggest affects of SIF has been on me and my relationships. I have been a people-pleaser most of my life and am so over that. I feel a much stronger, more decisive woman emerging from the uncertain, miserable waters of SIF. I know what I want. It's like my whole life was literally tipped upside down and I've been looking at everything objectively. I feel I am being given an opportunity to regroup with myself and effectively those around me.

I've had some tears around other people's babies arriving lately. In two weeks time we are heading up North to catch up with my husband's side of the family, his home-town friends and one of my really good friends. We will be staying with some MOTs and I am a bit apprehensive about that but at the same time am accepting of any feelings that may come up.

In the background we are going through with our adoption plans. Today I went for my "medical" which was really just some form-filling which is part of the application for adoption assessment. Some of the questions were a bit full-on and my Dr was surprised by them (we're obviously her first candidates for adoption) yet I said to her I understood why they needed to be so thorough and so searching.

On work on Sunday a couple popped their newborn in a car capsule by the counter I'm stationed at. I just wanted to take the baby home and eat it up (not literally, of couse!) I have no doubt that I wouldn't have a problem bonding with a child that wasn't biologically mine. But at this stage I so know the focus is about my husband and I. I feel we are meant to let go of all the outside pressures and concentrate on us. I've been looking for work but nothing has eventuated. I am keeping an eye out (for work) but figure perhaps we are just meant to carry on right now. Maybe once we get our marriage back on track/in a better place perhaps the other stuff will fall into place.

I also think I have perhaps been trying too hard to fix what feels broken around me - my daughter (with her ASD), our financial situation and my marriage. I'm craving time to just be still and be with God and figure my life is going to just go the way it's going - regardless on how much I try to force it to be different.

A little irk of mine of late is those who have "conquered" IF/SIF telling me what they perceive to be "the magic formula" for conceiving. I still to this day think there isn't one!! God is going to deliver a baby regardless of what was done to "get" a baby. Sure, some lessons may need to be learnt/the timing might be a bit longer than hoped for but a baby is not a guaranteed outcome when battling infertility.

Another irk is those who think adoption is the answer for us. Maybe it is partly - we could end up with another child. But it would never take away the heartache of SIF. Never. I am finding going through the adoption process that my SIF stuff is getting stirred up. Although it's an amazing option - it comes with heartbreak. I am just being honest.

I guess I am feeling that some out there think I should be well and truly over all this crap by now. And yep, I have moved on heaps - I am in a much better space. But I still mourn pregnancy/childbirth/having another biological child. My grief is there in the background sometimes whispering softly, sometimes screaming loudly.

Marriage first, children second

When we did a marriage course at the start of being married, it was drummed into us the importance of putting our relationship first. Of course we were newly married and although I was pregnant on that course; I was totally unaware of the reality of how different life would be as a married couple with a child on board.

Fast forward to five years of married life. We have a four year old with special needs who we have both poured our hearts and souls into. Add SIF to the mix and it is not hard to see why couple-time kind of left the building.

But it's never too late to make changes. We left our daughter with her respite carer today while my husband and I went for a walk on the beach. We talked about things and have agreed to marriage counselling. This might be a bit full-on for some me disclosing this within a blog but I'm okay with it - it's all part of my SIF journey/my desire for a second child. If my story helps someone else, then my openess would have been worth it.

I feel a lot better after opening up the lines of communication with my husband. Obviously it's always better to have things out in the open. I am not so good at speaking my mind with the hard stuff though. I've established with my husband that we've been through some big stuff lately and that I had some confusion around what was old (family of origin) stuff and what was a reaction to the reality of what we've been through. I said I was keen to continue with going down the adoption path but that it might not be for us - we'll see.

One of my husbands former flatmates popped round today with her partner. They are childless, not home-owners and are not particularly tied to Nelson. It was refreshing to spend time with a couple who have all the freedom in the world to be what they want to be. A reminder that we can all have that to some extent, taking responsibilites into account of course.

Both my husband and I acknowledged today that we've put ourselves - or at least our marriage, second to parenthood. The couple that popped round today are having a party in a couple of weeks time so we'll try to make it - just the two of us. We've attempted date nights off and on over the last four years of being parents but they alway seem to fizzle out. But this time round we'll give it a decent shot. I think we've both realised that it's time to make life about more than just parenting.

I had another stall at a local fair yesterday and sold four paintings which I was pretty pleased with. That was my third stall in four months. I will have a break over Autumn/Winter and build up my stock and perhaps do another art course and will look forward to doing some more markets in the Spring.

I put my energy into things outside of parenthood but that annoying desire for another child still hasn't budged - no matter how hard I try. I have some baby-shopping to do as there have been a few additions to other peoples families of late. It seems so strange that babies arriving are so natural for some - and a complete mystery for others. I keep thinking I have Gods Will figured out for us, but I don't. I spent a good month looking for part-time work but to no avail. It seems for now we are just meant to just carry on as we are. I find that so incredibly annoying! I am craving change somehow.

I feel as though we have been in this no-mans land for far too long. People around us are moving/buying houses/having babies and we are just carrying on. But if I listen hard enough I know that this period of time is about facing some big emotional and spiritual growth. If we didn't have so many set-backs; we/I wouldn't be forced to look at things. (dammit!)

Information Meeting debrief

We have officially ticked off the second step towards adopting a child in New Zealand by attending the Information Meeting last night. It went for just over two and a half hours and actually covered a lot of the information covered in the informal session we went to last November (which was consequently step one). A lot of it was repetitive but it was a compulsory step and the paperwork side of it was elaborated on.

There were five couples present and three staff members from Adoption Services / Permanency from Child, Youth and Family. We all had to introduce ourselves and say where we were from (some couples had travelled to Nelson). There was no mention of whether anyone had children already or not. My guess is we were the only ones in the room who were already parents so I experienced some quiet guilt about that.

The next step is The Education Preparation programme. Once again, as per the Information Meeting, this cannot go ahead until they have "the numbers". If all of us choose to go ahead from last night then it is all go. But to get to this stage we need to complete an application form, undergo police and medical checks, get a couple of references completed and go for an interview if required. Last night they thought it could be about July that The Education Preparation programme takes place.

At the informal session it was said there were around eighty-something children adopted out annually in New Zealand. Now they think it's sixty-something out of a pool of three hundred prospective parents. It was estimated last night that those who go through the whole process will be in the pool with the other prospective parents about this time next year - April 2010 - waiting to be picked.

It's interesting that I'm in quite a different place around adoption than I was six months ago. We are going to be scrutinised as a couple - and rightly so. I don't think at this point in time we are good prospective adoptive parents. It's so obvious to me right now that my marriage is the most important thing of all to attend to. I know that adopting a baby is not going to make me happier in my marriage. That might sound so obvious but it took me a while to get here with that awareness.

Sigh. There are still financial worries hovering over our heads. I didn't get the librarian assistant job so it's back to the drawing board for me. I feel so frustrated that there are so many big pressures to deal and live with right now.

I'm off to the gym tonight. I haven't been since last Thursday so that'll be good to go and have some me time. Tomorrow is my daughter's last session at afternoon Kindy so we're going to bake something to take into Kindy. I continue to celebrate the milestones. They are going by so fast!

At crossroads - again

Sigh. The ups and downs of this SIF ride continue. Even though my dream of another child is not my obsession as such anymore, it still haunts me and overwhelms me at times.

My daughter finishes afternoon Kindy this week. It was a short era - just six months as she didn't get in until she was three and a half because the waiting list was so long. (Kids typically start afternoon Kindy at three years old in New Zealand). I feel like I've just gotten used to her being out of the home for three afternoons a week (two hours a session) and she's moving on to the another stage next term - morning Kindy.

There is some mourning going on from my end that is for sure. Once again that feeling of this-could-be-my-only-child-and-she's-on-to-the-next-stage-already permeates my being.

I kind of wanted to settle my daughter into morning Kindy before embarking on taking on extra work. I have been looking for part-time work for the last few weeks which has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil - trying to figure out how it can all possibly work. It has complicated things having a child with ASD - childcare just isn't so easy to work out. Group childcare situations are subsidised well by the government but nannys aren't so much. I am angry at God that financially our family is under pressure but I know we aren't the only ones struggling in these uncertain times.

I have been phoning around to see what kind of financial help we can get for a special needs child. So far I have been coming up a whole heap of brick walls. My whole being is pretty much against getting a "carer" but I am trying so hard to keep an open mind around it.

I went for a job interview as a librarian assistant last week - I made the top three. If I get the job I will accept it - it's 16 hours a week (plus extra hours when needed) and because my daughter will be in morning Kindy, we wouldn't have to get too much extra help child-care wise in the school terms. Holidays would be a different story but I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when necessary.

The last seven months have been full-on since my daughters ASD diagnosis. I am working closely with the Kindy teachers and specialists and a lot of my "spare" time goes into paperwork, social stories and planning for my daughter. I don't resent the time and energy that is needed to "normalise" my child as such. I resent more the fact that I am already carrying a full load with managing her needs - and mine! - I am just not so sure how taking on extra work will go.

Somehow I am still trusting God amongst all this. If I get the library job then I trust everything else will fall into place. If I don't - I have put myself out there in the workforce again and something more suitable to family life might turn up.

I took my daughter to her last ever music session on Friday - since she will be starting morning Kindy next term we will no longer be able to go. I felt a big sentimental as I took my daughter there regularly from the age of six months to three and a half years. We only went back on Friday to farewell the teacher who has been running the sessions for the last five plus years.

One MOTH was there with her three day old baby, glowing and happy. I had the green-eyed monster big-time! A MOT-to-be friend is about to have her baby very soon and was there too and also looks amazing. My sister-in-law had her second child yesterday. Hmmm. I am just finding it hard to be genuinely happy for them all. It's one of those times in which bumps and babes seem to be all around.

I feel like I still have so much more hard work to do on myself/my marriage. It is quite obvious to me that where we are right now as a couple is not a good place to bring another child into the mix. We are not fighters - there is not major conflict going on or anything like that. It's more to do with having put a child ahead of us for so long - as many couples do - and having no energy for us. I don't know who reads this so I shouldn't blab too much. But it's part of my SIF jounrey so I am okay sharing snippets. All I know is I'm going through what a lot of women go through I think - they have the baby and some marriage difficulties/differences surface and it's kinda like - now what? I bet a lot of women have more children to fill some kind of a hole in their lives.

I am aware that I desperately wanted another child so I didn't have to look at all this crap. I want a rest from all this emotional work - it's been a good two years or more of intense personal examining. Time for a breather soon - surely!! Tomorrow night my husband and I are finally going to an information session for parents who want to adopt. It'll be interesting. I know we need to get us sorted before going down that road seriously. But we'll start the ball rolling all the same.

On a positive note we took our daughter to Christchurch to see The Wiggles live this weekend. It was an awesome concert - we all enjoyed it. It was yet another reminder of how lucky I am to be blessed with my daughter, being able to share special experiences like that with her. I curse myself for not being able to accept that one child is enough. I really wish I felt that. I am getting there with that though - slowly but surely.