The heartbreak of SIF caused me to lose sight of many things in my life. The loss of a big dream - to have another biological child - resulted in many of my former dreams also taking the plunge. Life seemed quite hopeless, meaningless and without direction for quite some time.
Yet lately I feel some dreams re-emerging again. It is nice to be able to think about the future a bit more instead of just being in survival mode, fighting the emotional side affects of being a SI.
Perhaps I am accepting on a deeper level that it doesn't matter how another child comes into our family. I have grieved having a biological child but now feel quite hopeful that an addition to our family via adoption could be quite a strong possibility. I have been allowing myself to have baby fantasies again. I can actually imagine my daughter with a baby sister. My feeling is that my daughter is quite open to the idea.
This morning on a children's TV show; a mouse character was upset because her new baby sister was getting all the attention and she felt unloved. My daughter was quite interested in what was going on. She often has little sisters in her play. Funny how neither I nor her seem to fantasie about a boy or a brother. I wouldn't say no to a boy - it's just I have always thought I'd have two girls, for some reason.
Last night I went to a first aid evening at my daughter's Kindy. A group of Mum's were talking how easy number three child was to care for. Although I felt a pang I didn't feel like a dagger was going straight through my heart. However I still often feel like the odd one out socially with Mum's of more than one child.
I suppose sometimes we do end up getting all we desired for in life - it's just it is often orchestrated in quite a different way to how we'd envisoned it. So I think I could become a MOT one day - and as time goes by, I know if it happens, it'll be in the way it's meant to be.
For quite some time I've been quite adamant that I wanted us to buy a house in the area we currently reside in. However, after the dramas and disappointments of the last few years, I am ready for a change. I am much more open to us buying in a different part of Nelson. Somehow, because I am letting go of things having to be a certain way; I know they are more likely to work-out.
The other night I was sorting through some old boxes and it was like rediscovering pieces of me through old photos, artwork, and bits of memorabilia. Going through a personal crisis (like I think SIF has been for me) involves looking back, reclaiming some parts of oneself, letting go of other parts and then reinventing oneself. That has been my experience, anyway.
I feel as though I am reaping the benefits from making a real effort to slow down and smell the roses - to get to know me again and to accept this phase of my life. I do feel change in the air. I know I will be out of this standstill mode sometime soon. In fact, I believe I am already out of it. I am moving forward with a new confidence that better things are indeed in store for me.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Hell In The Hallway
A close friend of mine recently reminded me of the Hell In The Hallway saying - that is, when one door shuts there is often a lapse of time before the next door opens. No-one enjoys being In The Hallway. It's cold, dark and lonely in the hallway - and a little bit boring! SIF has undoubtedly been one of the longest and intense experiences of Hell In The Hallway I have endured!
Yet I have been thinking of how I've become a bit of a semi-expert at managing my Time In The Hallway, because of this latest experience. Over the last almost three years I have learnt that when life feels as though it is completely stagnant; it is possible to create goals for the short-term. It's possible to introduce change in one's life on a small scale. The effort is worth it.
This time round in the hallway I've joined a gym, been to art classes, sold my art at three different markets, started a couple of blogs and my latest "new" thing - I've joined a book club. If I didn't do these things - these attempts at keeping life somewhat fresh, I would well and truly go mad, I'm sure.
Everytime I make a change or bring in something new in my life, I feel as though my life isn't completely all about some outcome I'd wanted more than anything ie: another biological child.
Had it not being for SIF; I'm not sure I'd be doing some of the stuff I have been over the last couple of years. I guess if another child had come along as planned and hoped; then all my time would have gone into nurturing that child. Instead, my excess love and energy has gone into nurturing me. And I'm getting better at it.
It is a gift from God that I have this free time in my life right now - five mornings a week while my daughter goes to Kindy. Basically, aside from the odd appointment related to her ASD, I can do whatever the hell I like for about three hours a day, Monday - Friday. In this time of economic stress, it is quite the treat. I feel very blessed yet at the same time think and know that I need this excess of "me-time." It's almost like I'm having to get reacquainted with myself after enduring the hardest two or so years of my life. I've truly slowed-down over the last couple of weeks. Now I'm enjoying using my "me-time" to have long hot baths with a candle, to read a book in the sunshine, to journal, to meet a friend for coffee or to go to the gym.
Although my emotional state is a bit rocky at times, due to perimenopause/a hormonal imbalance - I believe I am through the actual trials and tribulations of SIF. I have no periods, ovulate probably never and well, it's kind of like I reached the end of the road on the TTC front. Because we've started the adoption process, I am in The Hallway all over again. I am still waiting and hoping that there will be another addition to our family.
If adoption hadn't been an option for us, I think I would be in quite a different space. Somehow the unknowingness around whether our family will be added to or not still has a very big hold on on far we are able to move forward as a family. Basically we haven't moved forward for a very long time. I do trust that we will one day - and when it happens it will be amazing.
Joining the book club was a great call for me. I really enjoyed going to the first session this Wednesday where I met eleven women (I knew one already) mainly in their forties - many of them Mums. We only got our first book to read that night so we were able to just mingle for a bit. I had a great chat with a woman who was also at cross-roads in her life: her son was five and she'd left her career of twelve years and was currently not working - she was giving herself space to work out what comes next (much like I am).
I am a great believer in God delivering us messages through people, places and things. Those messages are both key and vital when you are In The Hallway. I joined RESOLVE recently - an on-line support group for those struggling with infertility. I've made some great connections already but in particular was rapt to hear another Mum share her story which was very similar to mine: went through SIF, her child was diagnosed with ASD and she's adopted her second child.
People are coming into my life lately in all sorts of shapes and sizes - on-line and in real life. Everyone seems to have something to offer. I am grateful for my close friends who I have history with and who accept me for where I am at in my life. Yet it is always imperative, I believe, to meet others who are also In The Hallway facing the same challenges - it certainly helps with the loneliness.
For now the gym, painting and now the book club are my means of surviving the rest of my time In The Hallway. My husband and I are also endeavouring to be a bit more social - as a couple and with friends. I'm looking into taking on a new respite carer for our daughter as the current one hasn't really worked out.
We have a month to read each book in the book club and so by the time I finish this first book (The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver), we will be just a couple of days away from the (Adoption) Education and Preparation Programme. I'm really looking forward to the next step in the adoption process. Once we're through the paperwork there will be nothing else we can do around hoping for another child in our family - it really will be entirely up to God.
Yet I have been thinking of how I've become a bit of a semi-expert at managing my Time In The Hallway, because of this latest experience. Over the last almost three years I have learnt that when life feels as though it is completely stagnant; it is possible to create goals for the short-term. It's possible to introduce change in one's life on a small scale. The effort is worth it.
This time round in the hallway I've joined a gym, been to art classes, sold my art at three different markets, started a couple of blogs and my latest "new" thing - I've joined a book club. If I didn't do these things - these attempts at keeping life somewhat fresh, I would well and truly go mad, I'm sure.
Everytime I make a change or bring in something new in my life, I feel as though my life isn't completely all about some outcome I'd wanted more than anything ie: another biological child.
Had it not being for SIF; I'm not sure I'd be doing some of the stuff I have been over the last couple of years. I guess if another child had come along as planned and hoped; then all my time would have gone into nurturing that child. Instead, my excess love and energy has gone into nurturing me. And I'm getting better at it.
It is a gift from God that I have this free time in my life right now - five mornings a week while my daughter goes to Kindy. Basically, aside from the odd appointment related to her ASD, I can do whatever the hell I like for about three hours a day, Monday - Friday. In this time of economic stress, it is quite the treat. I feel very blessed yet at the same time think and know that I need this excess of "me-time." It's almost like I'm having to get reacquainted with myself after enduring the hardest two or so years of my life. I've truly slowed-down over the last couple of weeks. Now I'm enjoying using my "me-time" to have long hot baths with a candle, to read a book in the sunshine, to journal, to meet a friend for coffee or to go to the gym.
Although my emotional state is a bit rocky at times, due to perimenopause/a hormonal imbalance - I believe I am through the actual trials and tribulations of SIF. I have no periods, ovulate probably never and well, it's kind of like I reached the end of the road on the TTC front. Because we've started the adoption process, I am in The Hallway all over again. I am still waiting and hoping that there will be another addition to our family.
If adoption hadn't been an option for us, I think I would be in quite a different space. Somehow the unknowingness around whether our family will be added to or not still has a very big hold on on far we are able to move forward as a family. Basically we haven't moved forward for a very long time. I do trust that we will one day - and when it happens it will be amazing.
Joining the book club was a great call for me. I really enjoyed going to the first session this Wednesday where I met eleven women (I knew one already) mainly in their forties - many of them Mums. We only got our first book to read that night so we were able to just mingle for a bit. I had a great chat with a woman who was also at cross-roads in her life: her son was five and she'd left her career of twelve years and was currently not working - she was giving herself space to work out what comes next (much like I am).
I am a great believer in God delivering us messages through people, places and things. Those messages are both key and vital when you are In The Hallway. I joined RESOLVE recently - an on-line support group for those struggling with infertility. I've made some great connections already but in particular was rapt to hear another Mum share her story which was very similar to mine: went through SIF, her child was diagnosed with ASD and she's adopted her second child.
People are coming into my life lately in all sorts of shapes and sizes - on-line and in real life. Everyone seems to have something to offer. I am grateful for my close friends who I have history with and who accept me for where I am at in my life. Yet it is always imperative, I believe, to meet others who are also In The Hallway facing the same challenges - it certainly helps with the loneliness.
For now the gym, painting and now the book club are my means of surviving the rest of my time In The Hallway. My husband and I are also endeavouring to be a bit more social - as a couple and with friends. I'm looking into taking on a new respite carer for our daughter as the current one hasn't really worked out.
We have a month to read each book in the book club and so by the time I finish this first book (The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver), we will be just a couple of days away from the (Adoption) Education and Preparation Programme. I'm really looking forward to the next step in the adoption process. Once we're through the paperwork there will be nothing else we can do around hoping for another child in our family - it really will be entirely up to God.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Feeling old
I've had a rough few days around accepting this "change of life" that I'm going through. I think I am in acceptance around my SIF. Obviously I'd rather not be a SI, but I am, and I am getting better at embracing my infertility (for lack of a better term).
But the other symptoms that come with perimenopause/ovarian failure; I'm still struggling with. My sleep gets disrupted with the night sweats, the mood swings mean I feel like I'm going mad quite frequently, the hot flushes mean I feel uncomfortable every now and then and the low libido/painful sex - that has to be one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. Quite frankly after SIF, nothing has made me feel so old as my waning sex drive. I know there are creams out there to help - hormonal ones - and I do have some in my drawer. I haven't used them yet as my herbalist was quite against them. I have a non-herbal remedy I could try so I ought to give that a decent shot before perhaps resorting to hormonal creams.
I guess the biggest emotion I feel right now is loss. I feel like I am grieving my pre-menopausal self. I was in good health for so many years; it is difficult accepting my imperfect body. I think I have been grieving another biological child for a good couple of years and now I am grieving my former "young" body. I don't much like this old one I have now. I know I will get there with acceptance and just have to give myself time to do so.
I am still trying to be as gentle and kind to myself as possible. The day by day approach seems to work. Yet I find it hard to not get impatient with God's Will in my life. It feels like forever that I have been living in this standstill mode. I've applied for another part-time position - waiting to hear about that one. These days I only apply for jobs if they genuinely feel like positions that interest me. This one is connected to a non-profit organisation and it could be a good fit.
I certainly feel lost on my path. I don't know what my path is. If it wasn't to be a MOT (up until this point) - then what is it? It's not to be a high-flying career type - that has never been me. I seem to have stepped out of one industry that I've been in for the last ten years (graphic design), yet I'm not sure where to go to from here.
I have been at major crossroads before in my life so I know that in time this will all be worked out. My path will become clear again and life will once again feel as if it is flowing. But for now it feels stuck and stagnant and I am bored and over feeling lost. I suppose it's a time for collecting my thoughts and refueling. A time for accepting my body as a forty-something. The deepest and most painful feeling is I feel like I've failed as a woman - I cannot produce children any more and I cannot even freely enjoy sex. I feel quite unsexy - just so old and crusty. It's a shock. For so long I've looked and felt so much younger than I look but that is no longer the case. I feel like an old crusty woman on the inside. Sigh.
I'm trying to do the things that make me feel good about myself - the nurturing stuff. I joined a book club - a new one - and am looking forward to our first meeting next week. We will be meeting once a month and reading a book a month. I think it will be good for me as I really need a focus for now - especially until I work out what I want to do/am meant to be doing vocation-wise.
Also by the time I've read the first book for the book club it will be close to our Eduction and Preparation Programme (for adoption) in late August. I'm looking forward to that. I've also thought I may as well enjoy reading books over the next little bit as you never know, there is a possibility that in 2010 I could become a Mum for the second time. We should be through the paperwork side of it, all going well, by Aprilish next year so who knows how long we will be sitting, waiting in the adoptive parents pool. Apparently after two years of being in the pool you have to renew your interest. My feeling is if nothing happens after two years then it clearly wasn't meant to be.
But the other symptoms that come with perimenopause/ovarian failure; I'm still struggling with. My sleep gets disrupted with the night sweats, the mood swings mean I feel like I'm going mad quite frequently, the hot flushes mean I feel uncomfortable every now and then and the low libido/painful sex - that has to be one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. Quite frankly after SIF, nothing has made me feel so old as my waning sex drive. I know there are creams out there to help - hormonal ones - and I do have some in my drawer. I haven't used them yet as my herbalist was quite against them. I have a non-herbal remedy I could try so I ought to give that a decent shot before perhaps resorting to hormonal creams.
I guess the biggest emotion I feel right now is loss. I feel like I am grieving my pre-menopausal self. I was in good health for so many years; it is difficult accepting my imperfect body. I think I have been grieving another biological child for a good couple of years and now I am grieving my former "young" body. I don't much like this old one I have now. I know I will get there with acceptance and just have to give myself time to do so.
I am still trying to be as gentle and kind to myself as possible. The day by day approach seems to work. Yet I find it hard to not get impatient with God's Will in my life. It feels like forever that I have been living in this standstill mode. I've applied for another part-time position - waiting to hear about that one. These days I only apply for jobs if they genuinely feel like positions that interest me. This one is connected to a non-profit organisation and it could be a good fit.
I certainly feel lost on my path. I don't know what my path is. If it wasn't to be a MOT (up until this point) - then what is it? It's not to be a high-flying career type - that has never been me. I seem to have stepped out of one industry that I've been in for the last ten years (graphic design), yet I'm not sure where to go to from here.
I have been at major crossroads before in my life so I know that in time this will all be worked out. My path will become clear again and life will once again feel as if it is flowing. But for now it feels stuck and stagnant and I am bored and over feeling lost. I suppose it's a time for collecting my thoughts and refueling. A time for accepting my body as a forty-something. The deepest and most painful feeling is I feel like I've failed as a woman - I cannot produce children any more and I cannot even freely enjoy sex. I feel quite unsexy - just so old and crusty. It's a shock. For so long I've looked and felt so much younger than I look but that is no longer the case. I feel like an old crusty woman on the inside. Sigh.
I'm trying to do the things that make me feel good about myself - the nurturing stuff. I joined a book club - a new one - and am looking forward to our first meeting next week. We will be meeting once a month and reading a book a month. I think it will be good for me as I really need a focus for now - especially until I work out what I want to do/am meant to be doing vocation-wise.
Also by the time I've read the first book for the book club it will be close to our Eduction and Preparation Programme (for adoption) in late August. I'm looking forward to that. I've also thought I may as well enjoy reading books over the next little bit as you never know, there is a possibility that in 2010 I could become a Mum for the second time. We should be through the paperwork side of it, all going well, by Aprilish next year so who knows how long we will be sitting, waiting in the adoptive parents pool. Apparently after two years of being in the pool you have to renew your interest. My feeling is if nothing happens after two years then it clearly wasn't meant to be.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Aging gracefully
Next month I will be forty-one. Forty-one! That means I'm well and truly in my forties now. Some days I live as if age is just a number - other days I feel like I really am in my forties. SIF kindly reminds me of this on a regular basis.
When I started getting grey hairs at some point in my thirties I could pull them out or colour over them. When gravity started defying my body, I could go to the gym and tone up a little more. When crows feet started showing up around my eyes I could think well at least I've had a few good laughs. But when SIF struck I didn't know what to think at first. Well, I felt every emotion under the sun. But the underlying feeling was that my fertility was something I was completely powerless over. I can not control when my reproductive system decides to close up shop.
I shared a little about my experience of being in peri-menopause last night with my friend who is forty-one and pregnant with her first child (after six IVFs). She could not relate to my menopausal symptoms. I'm sure from the outside it sounds as if I am exaggerating. But these crazy symptoms are so very real. I have definitely found them easier to manage since I decided to slow down and not run away from my reality. I totally get why going into menopause is coined as "the change of life" - because it is that - a change and quite a big one at that.
Somehow losing one's fertility equates to losing youth, vitality, and maybe some hopes and dreams. It's a reminder that I am, simply put, getting older. I suppose because I am a young forty (as I keep saying!), I have been surprised that I have been "feeling old." I suppose by having no control around when I headed into menopause has caused me to think I'm pretty much powerless over the whole aging process. My fertility was the first thing to go. It's just downhill from here! And I don't mean that in a negative way either. It's reality.
We've made it almost halfway through the school holidays. I've borrowed other people's children a couple of times this week as it makes it easier to have two under my wing - for part of the day, anyway. One of the Kindy Mums today whose girl I borrowed asked me if I get sick of people asking me when I'll have another. She has no idea about my SIF. I just laughed and said I enjoyed one and that I just borrowed other people's kids! I really do enjoy having two kiddies together. My heart feels full and I feel fulfilled and content when there are two kids playing happily in my care. It's obviously a very different dynamic to having just one child.
I am pleased we have the tentative dates for the education and preparation programme (for adoption). There seems to be such a big gap between each stage. There are essentially eight stages for the adoption process in New Zealand. Our initial enquiry meeting (1) was in November '08, then the information meeting (2) was April 09, we sent off the required documents for the application for adoption assessment (3) and the education and preparation programme (4) will be August/September '09. At least soon we'll be halfway through the process. After the education and preparation programme is the applicant information (5) (background and family history prepared by applicants), this is followed by assessment interviews (7) and then the assessment decision (8) is made! It will be very interesting to see when we're finished with the paperwork. Adoption Services estimated in April at the information meeting that it would take a year from that point - so by April 2010 we should be close to being on the other side of it all, hopefully. Assuming we get accepted and all. I hope so!
When I started getting grey hairs at some point in my thirties I could pull them out or colour over them. When gravity started defying my body, I could go to the gym and tone up a little more. When crows feet started showing up around my eyes I could think well at least I've had a few good laughs. But when SIF struck I didn't know what to think at first. Well, I felt every emotion under the sun. But the underlying feeling was that my fertility was something I was completely powerless over. I can not control when my reproductive system decides to close up shop.
I shared a little about my experience of being in peri-menopause last night with my friend who is forty-one and pregnant with her first child (after six IVFs). She could not relate to my menopausal symptoms. I'm sure from the outside it sounds as if I am exaggerating. But these crazy symptoms are so very real. I have definitely found them easier to manage since I decided to slow down and not run away from my reality. I totally get why going into menopause is coined as "the change of life" - because it is that - a change and quite a big one at that.
Somehow losing one's fertility equates to losing youth, vitality, and maybe some hopes and dreams. It's a reminder that I am, simply put, getting older. I suppose because I am a young forty (as I keep saying!), I have been surprised that I have been "feeling old." I suppose by having no control around when I headed into menopause has caused me to think I'm pretty much powerless over the whole aging process. My fertility was the first thing to go. It's just downhill from here! And I don't mean that in a negative way either. It's reality.
We've made it almost halfway through the school holidays. I've borrowed other people's children a couple of times this week as it makes it easier to have two under my wing - for part of the day, anyway. One of the Kindy Mums today whose girl I borrowed asked me if I get sick of people asking me when I'll have another. She has no idea about my SIF. I just laughed and said I enjoyed one and that I just borrowed other people's kids! I really do enjoy having two kiddies together. My heart feels full and I feel fulfilled and content when there are two kids playing happily in my care. It's obviously a very different dynamic to having just one child.
I am pleased we have the tentative dates for the education and preparation programme (for adoption). There seems to be such a big gap between each stage. There are essentially eight stages for the adoption process in New Zealand. Our initial enquiry meeting (1) was in November '08, then the information meeting (2) was April 09, we sent off the required documents for the application for adoption assessment (3) and the education and preparation programme (4) will be August/September '09. At least soon we'll be halfway through the process. After the education and preparation programme is the applicant information (5) (background and family history prepared by applicants), this is followed by assessment interviews (7) and then the assessment decision (8) is made! It will be very interesting to see when we're finished with the paperwork. Adoption Services estimated in April at the information meeting that it would take a year from that point - so by April 2010 we should be close to being on the other side of it all, hopefully. Assuming we get accepted and all. I hope so!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Finding peace
This SIF journey of mine has come with many ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days - you get the drift. I've been through so many cycles of acceptance, fighting SIF, then accepting again - it has been a very tiring process. I keep thinking I've turned a corner and then my SIF grief overwhelms me once again.
But this time, this time I really think I have my SIF sussed. I know that I am living with this background grief that is sometimes faint and sometimes loud. The thing is I cannot force myself to be over what I can only describe as a personal crisis. I can, however, help myself and ensure that I take the best care of me that I possibly can.
I have been doing that these last few weeks and I am feeling the benefits. I am slowing down my body and therefore my mind is following suit. Spiritually I feel much more in tune with the God of my understanding too. For so long I have been in hyper-mode - running here, doing that. Perhaps that was my way of coping with my on-going grief because when I stopped for too long, it was just too much to bear at times. So it has been an interesting Lynda experiment - searching for peace after heartbreak. I certainly didn't expect to turn from hyper to chilled overnight but as each week goes by, I am feeling more at peace. And peace equals contentment. It's as simple as that.
I went up to Auckland last weekend for a friends 40th. I had a whole weekend to myself, to do as I pleased. Childless, husbandless - it was great! I caught up with my Dad and his family for dinner, a good friend I hadn't seen for about five years for coffee and stayed with the friend and her husband whose 40th it was. I ended up getting completely mind-numblingly drunk at the 40th! It wasn't my intention. Things just got of control. I was drinking champagne and there was a wine-tasting as part of the 40th - after that it was all over rover for me. There was some Tapas food but all I really had were a few pieces of chicken. Basically this usual teetoller was out of her league. There were shots of tequila for the guys and shots of zumbucca for the girls - too much alcohol for my system, that's for sure. I think because I had no responsibilites for the weekend, I just thought "what the hell." I had fun though. We were out til 3am and I suffered for several days afterwards. It took me a good four days to detox.
I met some great people at the 40th. Naturally at a party of thirty and forty-somethings the subject of kids/fertility comes up. One friends husband asked if we having more then corrected himself and said it was an odd question to ask - they come if they come. Another woman was there who had a nine year old daughter and I know she's a SI as my friend had revealed that before the party. I think once I revealed my daughter's age, she knew that I was too. The couple I stayed with have been fighting IF for a long, long time. They've been married ten years and are childless. For the first time the husband revealed his pain around IF to me (after a few drinks). I felt so very humbled by that. They are such an amazing couple and were so hospitable - I am so angry and sad for them that their desire to have children hasn't happened.
The friend I had an almost three hour coffee with is also going through perimenopause at the age of forty-two. We had a very candid conversation about it. She doesn't have a life partner/is single. Once again it seems so unfair that this brilliant teacher has not been granted the opportunity to have kids.
So although I have always been grateful to be a Mum of One; I am feeling that gratitude at a deeper level. We got a letter in the mail yesterday from adoption services giving us tentative dates for the next stage of the adoption process - The Education and Preparation Programme. It's for two Fridays (full days) - August 28th and September 18th. Apparently the dates are tentative because of numbers - they need x amount of applicants before proceeding. Still, it feels good to know when the next stage is going to be. I tried to phone to see if that meant we had successfully "passed" the initial assessment but the contact is away on annual leave. I'm guessing if anything is amiss we will be notified. No news is good news in this case!
The other day my daughter asked how many sisters she had to which she herself replied "Zero. I have zero sisters." Then she said she could share Bonnie (not her real name) with Kath (not her real name). Kath is her same-aged very good mate who lives in the same street. And Bonnie is her sister. I thought that was really sweet - and great logic too!
A friend has asked me to join a book club and I'm keen. It will be good for me to read a book a month - as expected by the club. I'll meet some new people and it's about bringing in something new and enjoyable into my life again. I want to get back to being mellow me again and just enjoying life on life's terms. After being at the 40th and talking with some other acquaintainces from years gone by, I was reminded that life isn't always a bed or roses. By the age of 40 most of us have experienced heartbreak or loss in some form or another. And if we haven't, we are pretty damn lucky. None of us know what life will bring. Stopping and smelling the roses seems to be working for me - enjoying each days as it unfolds certainly helps with the bigger picture.
But this time, this time I really think I have my SIF sussed. I know that I am living with this background grief that is sometimes faint and sometimes loud. The thing is I cannot force myself to be over what I can only describe as a personal crisis. I can, however, help myself and ensure that I take the best care of me that I possibly can.
I have been doing that these last few weeks and I am feeling the benefits. I am slowing down my body and therefore my mind is following suit. Spiritually I feel much more in tune with the God of my understanding too. For so long I have been in hyper-mode - running here, doing that. Perhaps that was my way of coping with my on-going grief because when I stopped for too long, it was just too much to bear at times. So it has been an interesting Lynda experiment - searching for peace after heartbreak. I certainly didn't expect to turn from hyper to chilled overnight but as each week goes by, I am feeling more at peace. And peace equals contentment. It's as simple as that.
I went up to Auckland last weekend for a friends 40th. I had a whole weekend to myself, to do as I pleased. Childless, husbandless - it was great! I caught up with my Dad and his family for dinner, a good friend I hadn't seen for about five years for coffee and stayed with the friend and her husband whose 40th it was. I ended up getting completely mind-numblingly drunk at the 40th! It wasn't my intention. Things just got of control. I was drinking champagne and there was a wine-tasting as part of the 40th - after that it was all over rover for me. There was some Tapas food but all I really had were a few pieces of chicken. Basically this usual teetoller was out of her league. There were shots of tequila for the guys and shots of zumbucca for the girls - too much alcohol for my system, that's for sure. I think because I had no responsibilites for the weekend, I just thought "what the hell." I had fun though. We were out til 3am and I suffered for several days afterwards. It took me a good four days to detox.
I met some great people at the 40th. Naturally at a party of thirty and forty-somethings the subject of kids/fertility comes up. One friends husband asked if we having more then corrected himself and said it was an odd question to ask - they come if they come. Another woman was there who had a nine year old daughter and I know she's a SI as my friend had revealed that before the party. I think once I revealed my daughter's age, she knew that I was too. The couple I stayed with have been fighting IF for a long, long time. They've been married ten years and are childless. For the first time the husband revealed his pain around IF to me (after a few drinks). I felt so very humbled by that. They are such an amazing couple and were so hospitable - I am so angry and sad for them that their desire to have children hasn't happened.
The friend I had an almost three hour coffee with is also going through perimenopause at the age of forty-two. We had a very candid conversation about it. She doesn't have a life partner/is single. Once again it seems so unfair that this brilliant teacher has not been granted the opportunity to have kids.
So although I have always been grateful to be a Mum of One; I am feeling that gratitude at a deeper level. We got a letter in the mail yesterday from adoption services giving us tentative dates for the next stage of the adoption process - The Education and Preparation Programme. It's for two Fridays (full days) - August 28th and September 18th. Apparently the dates are tentative because of numbers - they need x amount of applicants before proceeding. Still, it feels good to know when the next stage is going to be. I tried to phone to see if that meant we had successfully "passed" the initial assessment but the contact is away on annual leave. I'm guessing if anything is amiss we will be notified. No news is good news in this case!
The other day my daughter asked how many sisters she had to which she herself replied "Zero. I have zero sisters." Then she said she could share Bonnie (not her real name) with Kath (not her real name). Kath is her same-aged very good mate who lives in the same street. And Bonnie is her sister. I thought that was really sweet - and great logic too!
A friend has asked me to join a book club and I'm keen. It will be good for me to read a book a month - as expected by the club. I'll meet some new people and it's about bringing in something new and enjoyable into my life again. I want to get back to being mellow me again and just enjoying life on life's terms. After being at the 40th and talking with some other acquaintainces from years gone by, I was reminded that life isn't always a bed or roses. By the age of 40 most of us have experienced heartbreak or loss in some form or another. And if we haven't, we are pretty damn lucky. None of us know what life will bring. Stopping and smelling the roses seems to be working for me - enjoying each days as it unfolds certainly helps with the bigger picture.
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