Well it's been two a half months since our adoption file "expired" - or in other words, two and half months since our adding-to-our-family journey ended, as mutually agreed by my husband and myself.
The first few weeks after this milestone was reached were hard. A lot of "old" grief resurfaced and I felt pretty raw. Over time I've been able to accept my fate, once again (as this journey seems to be about acceptance in all it's guises) but this time at a much deeper level. I've been able to put my whole SIF/early menopause experience in perspective and to see it as one of life's lemons (one very big lemon!)
The thing is I've been dealt some other challenges - a daughter with autism and an arm that is still very much healing from being broken last November at the elbow. If anything, letting go of adding to our family has forced me to put the focus back on these two other big things in my life that I need to face. My main focus now is supporting my daughter (not that I wasn't before, but more of my energy is now available to support her) and to heal myself - I'm doing this through physiotherapy and slowly adding running and swimming to my exercise programme.
But the big shift that has come about on an emotional level, which I perhaps didn't expect, is the reemergence of another dream and a stubborn determination to make it happen - to be a writer. It is a dream that has always been there - since childhood - but one that has got buried along the way in life with all sorts of distractions - study, men, travel, partying, socialising, sport, motherhood, demanding jobs, SIF...yet here I am in this new phase in my life that is evolving into something a lot less complicated. And life has to be simple for creativity to exist. It is so easy to drown out or forget creativity in a busy life or a life immersed in grief (which mine was, for way too long with SIF.)
I left my most recent demanding job just over two weeks ago. It was part-time but incredibly busy. Juggling that with a child with special needs and a husband who works twelve hour shifts was too much and I was feeling beyond stretched. It took me six months to actually "leave" my job. There were a few things I wanted to put in place before I left so I did that and then I resigned.
I have just spent the school holidays with my daughter and yesterday was the first day that I had to embrace my "new life" - the one where there isn't another child to worry about while she's at school and no job to suck all my energy away. I have even let go of the gym. Life as I knew it for a very long time has dramatically changed. I'm no longer in the inbetween - waiting and hoping for life to go as planned - no longer putting things on hold in the vain hopes a second child was coming our way.
So here I am. I feel as if I have "arrived" in a sense. It was devastating to let go of my second-child hopes. But I had to. My reward, it seems, is the opportunity to allow another dream the time and space to emerge. I have a feeling this is a dream that God may actually support. In fact, if it wasn't for the pain, loss and grief I went through with SIF; then I wouldn't be here, putting my time and energy into a dream that could have easily been cast aside while raising two children.
I feel in time this blog will come to a natural end. I will keep it going for a few more months. But really, I'm not sure I have a lot to share about SIF these days. Sure I still have my moments where I see a bump/baby/two siblings playing and pine for what might have been. It is without a doubt a life experience that I will never, ever forget because in many ways going through SIF has shaped who I am today. I certainly have more depth emotionally and way more compassion and understanding around loss as a result.
I guess you could say I'm doing ok. I still apply self-preservation and don't plan to go frocklicking in the sun in fields of babies anytime soon! But I know somehow, that each time that I feel a pang when I hear others talk about their completed families, that I am slowly being healed. God does have His own plans for me. For a long time I was in the corridor waiting to see which door would open for me. Now I can finally walk through this amazing door God has in front of me right now that has the sun bursting underneath with so much promise and hope. I trust that this door/my new path will provide the abundance, joy and opportunities that will fulfill me - perhaps as much as or at least in a different way, to what mothering for the second time would have.
