Praying for another shot at motherhood

At Crossroads

2012-02-02T18:15:00.007+13:00

A week ago my body started to have what I think is a backlash to all the medication I've been on post-surgery the last couple of months. I've had vomiting, nausea, stomach cramps and well, the rest. Scarily many of the symptoms are in line with bowel cancer. So I went to my Dr and have been recommended to have a colonoscopy. I'm not sure yet if I'm going ahead with it.

After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.

Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.

It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.

It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.

Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.

Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.

I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.

Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.

I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...

So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.

I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.

I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.

It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.

I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.

Back in the game - for three months!

2012-01-19T10:47:00.008+13:00

I had an appointment with my physio on Tuesday. She thought that I had progressed quite well with my arm. I can bend it more - but not straighten it so well. Now that I'm back at work, the gym and driving again, my confidence has increased (around living with a bung arm) and she noticed that.

So I asked her. I asked her if she thought I could care for a baby - that our plans to adopt were on hold and that we only had a few months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. She said to go for it. She suggested practising carrying around bags of pototoes or flour (!). I said I had been testing the water, trying to lift our cat!

The thing is, she's young and not a Mum and I'm not sure her advice is necessarily right. I feel weak, sore and tired right now. But I am getting better each week. The reality is I will have a disabled arm for life. It will never be the same. I damaged my arm way too severely for it tofully recover. My surgeon and physio have both warned me about this.

I phoned our social worker on Tuesday and told her what the physio said. So she is happy for our file to be reopened. I've just emailed her an edited version of our profile - as a few things have changed over the last six months or so (husband has a new job, we have a dog, I hurt my arm and if we adopted now, I would leave my job for good.) I will be dropping off a colour final version to her by the end of the month.

Our file expires April 29th so we have in effect three months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents!!

I have to say I am both excited and relieved about this. We have a teeny tiny opportunity in a very small time-frame for something to work out. And if it doesn't; it is finally over. I can honestly say I am glad the end is in sight, whatever happens.

Our social worker said it was time to consider a biannual update if we wanted to go in the pool for another two years. She said we could think about it and come in and let her know. I said we knew already - I told her we didn't want to go in the pool for another two years. In fact I wanted to say "God no!!" when she asked me. I'm so over the waiting. I said we'd consider fostering but that might not be immediately - that later on we'd make contact with the appropriate social worker.

For coming up to five and a half years I have lived a life on hold and I simply can't do it anymore. I'm done. I've started looking to the future and there is hope that a life exists for me post-SIF, that once this era is finally done and dusted I will be free and able to move on. If fostering is something that happens, it will be more likely that we invite a child or children into our home to fit into our lives - not the other way around.

I'm moving forward - somewhere. I even booked a weekend in Sydney for my daughter and I in June. We are going over for my niece's 10th birthday. I got flights for a reasonable price. If I'd waited for another three months - until we got our "answer" around adoption I would have missed out on the flights.

So 2012 is about making life fun again - about something other than what isn't in life. I'm ready for it.

Has My Dream Expired?

2012-01-14T16:01:00.003+13:00

I always knew 2012 would be a big year on the SIF front. I knew it would be big in the sense that an answer would finally be given around adding to our family - we would either be welcoming another child into our lives, or moving on from that dream.

For a long time I thought I would have to wait it out until April this year - when our adoption file expires before working out what comes next.

But fate intervened. Breaking my elbow put a big spanner in the works. Two months on from my accident and I still don't feel as though I am in a position to mother a baby. I cannot tie my hair back,wear a regular bra (because I can't do it up) or put on a necklace. My arm extension is severely limited. My surgeries may be over - for now at least - but there is still a long way to go physio-wise. I have three slings to wear at home to help bend and extent my arm. I am in pain and discomfort about eighty percent of the time. I'm driving and am back at work again. But I have a long way to go recovery-wise.

I know within my heart that I have made the right decision putting our adoption plans on hold. But the reality is we may not even be going back into the pool of prospective adoptive parents before April if my arm/physical health isn't greatly improved over the next three months.

As angry as I was at first to have to accept that possibility; it has somehow given me the reality check I needed perhaps to move on for once and for all. Because at the moment the whole adoption deal seems to be moving against us.

So instead of waiting until April, I am making changes now in my life. Changes I need to do for me. I am looking for a new job and am hoping to find work as a teacher aide and to perhaps work voluntarily in a Kindergarten to see if that is the field I want to move into. It seems retraining in 2013 in Early Childhood Education is a big possibility.

Even though I cried when I shared with a friend that one night a voice came to me recently that said "Mummy, go and help the other children." - I believed it was a message from my daughter who passed over during early pregnancy at the age of six weeks. Don't ask me why I think the baby I miscarried was a girl - I just do. I feel her spirit with me often and I feel I am really getting that it is time to let go of my dream of a two-child family. If I hadn't broken my arm and had time to reflect about a lot of things, I'm pretty sure I would be desperately holding out for an adoption outcome in April.

A peacefulness has emerged within our family over the last few weeks. My husband has had three weeks off work, I've worked very small hours so have also been in holiday mode and of course our daughter is on Summer school holidays. We haven't gone far. Many families around us have gone camping. But because of my arm and the pain/discomfort I'm in and the physio I'm still doing and the fact my husband is very happy to stay put after working long hours for months; we stayed at home. We've had very cruisy days holidaying in the town we live in and have had to make the most of our own company since friends have been away. It's been good for us. Almost as though a type of healing has take place.

If this is the way my life is meant to be - as a family of three - then I finally give up the fight to make it different. The universe has made it clear that it's time to move on - that my dream has pretty much expired.

A Brand New Year

2012-01-04T19:27:00.008+13:00

2012. Four days into a brand new year and I wonder what it will bring. It is the year in which we will finally gain some closure around our adoption plans as our file expires in April. Our file is currently on hold as I continue to heal from my fall two months ago. I had my second surgery on my arm just a week ago and am still in a lot of pain and discomfort - especially at night. Certainly not in a position to be nurturing a baby, as much as I hate to admit that.

I've been doing some soul-searching/reflecting these last couple of months. One thing that has come resoundingly clear over the last few days is I want to leave my job. I only applied for my job to keep me occupied while my daughter was at school so I wouldn't be at home wallowing in my SIF grief. Too much. And obviously I may as well be earning some dollars during the week too.

On some level, despite the cynical side that dominates my being after five plus years of SIF; I believe everything happens for a reason. So yes, there have been lessons from this job, and experiences gained. There have been loads of challenges and the main one being that the field I work in hasn't been funded by the government for the last two years and it has been like fighting a losing battle.

Before my fall I was stretched managing my job/home-life/my daughter with my husbands' long working days. But now that I'm physically disabled (I cannot extend my right arm and this limits a lot of what I can do), I know that I will be stretched more than ever.

So I am contemplating resigning soon and looking for other work. Not immediately; within the next few months.

I have also been thinking that it is important for me to come up with an alternative if the adoption plans fall through. The reality is, the chances are high that adoption won't work out - and we may not even make it make into the pool of perspective adoptive parents if my arm isn't "baby ready."

Fostering was my original plan C if we couldn't have or adopt another child. But at this point in time my husband isn't so keen...

So come April I need to know that there is something else for me to look forward to in life if (and I want to say when) our adoption plans fail.

I have been thinking about retraining as a Kindergarten teacher - or the correct term - an early childhood education teacher. My degree is in education/psychology so I only would have to do one year to be qualified. It's too late to apply for this year plus I'm not physically well enough to do some serious study. So I'm looking at 2013.

I thought after leaving my job at some point this year that I could have a go at teacher-aide work and perhaps do some volunteer work at the local Kindy to see if is for me.

This might all sound very exciting - and God knows I like to study and retrain. But it breaks my heart that I am now at the point of seriously having to consider another plan to motherhood for the second time round.

Yes I know I would get to "mother" the three and four year olds under my care if I was a Kindy teacher, but I know I would get triggered at times - especially with families of growing families that would be part of my daily life.

I no longer feel as though my life can be great or exist beyond my wildest dreams. My dreams have been shattered anyway - and have been so out of reach for so long, that I no longer know what they are. I once fantasied about being a writer and although that is my passion, the reality is I want to write for me - I enjoy creative writing or writing my story. It is something I can develop in my own time but am unlikely to make a living out of. I'm not really interested in other types of writing. I don't think...

I feel so old and downtrodden. Perhaps I have hoped for too much. I have given up creating the kind of life that I wanted and am instead being guided by God - and am just not at this stage so enthused about the direction He seems to want me to go in. I seem to have lost all positivity and it's not how I want to be. I just have to pray and hope that God will lead me to a new beginning, if that is the way it's meant to go, one day at a time.

It's Christmas Time...

2011-12-24T18:04:00.006+13:00

It's Christmas time again. Another festive season in which I've had to deal with my SIF angst. It's not as perhaps as tragic as it once was - or perhaps I'm not quite as tragic as I was with SIF. I'm not in tears, depressed or completely feeling hopeless. But it is there all the same - the pining, the yearning and the feeling of being utterly incomplete.

The reminders that other women, or even most women out there conceive effortlessly are tenfold this time of year - the pregnancy announcements around Christmas time sting just a little more. In a magazine I've bought there is a story about a Mum who has fifteen children and wants just one more. She's 42 - one year younger than me. Interesting that her wishes may be deemed appropriate given she is obviously a Fertile Myrtle. But for me - somehow still - that desire for a second child - and for soooo long - seems to be greedy and so very old to many around me.

So it's Christmas tomorrow and it's just the three of us - myself, my husband and our six year old (who will be seven in March!) As always, it feels as though we are missing someone. I feel it. My daughter feels it. My husband doesn't but he may as well knowing my daughter and I are still very much grieving another child in our family.

It all still feels a bit sad - and unfinished - our family with just the three of us. I pray that next Christmas some finality and closure will have been reached around completing our family.

I have wondered if God created a situation in which I broke my elbow to teach me a lesson. Did He think I wasn't appreciative of my life as it was before? Did He or does He really want me to move on from this painful longstanding dream of mine? I cannot help it; but I do see God as a punishing God right now. The God from my childhood was like this and every now and then He pops up. It is hard to see the positive in having one health issue follow another one.

I really don't understand what life is all about for me at this point. I really am just taking it all one day at a time - it's all I can do.

Merry Christmas to you all out there. I pray that Christmas comes with peace to you this year, wherever you are at in your own lives.

Adoption plans on hold

2011-12-19T12:03:00.004+13:00

I haven't blogged for a while. The reason is because I had an accident six weeks ago - I tripped and fell and broke my arm at the elbow. I made a real mess of it and ended up having a three hour surgery that involved three plates being fitted in my arm.

It's my right arm which is my writing arm which has meant I've been out of action . I had a few nights in hospital as well as six days at home with my arm in a cast while I waited to go back for surgery and into hospital for the second time, My hand isn't working yet as the tendons are still healing. I'm having physio sessions one - two times a week.

I was off work for a month. But started working from home from last week - shorter hours for the first couple of weeks. I can't drive and have difficulty doing many things around the house. We have home help in the short-term. Friends and family have helped here and there. My husband is doing a lot around the home on top of his long working hours. I am dependent on others right now and it that in itself has been very challenging!

I spent the first two weeks post-accident virtually on complete bedrest. I'm up more as time goes on but still need a lot of rest/to pace myself. I'm still on pain relief. The physio exercises I do hourly are painful and my arm is very sore at night.

All in all it has been a challenging time for myself, my husband and daughter. My gym membership is on hold til next year. My life has been very small for the past six weeks. All up my recovery will take about a year according to the surgeon and I may never gain full extension of my arm again.

There are life lessons to be learnt from this, I know. But I'm still living life day by day to get through it all so don't have perspective from the whole experience yet. I know my life felt too busy and I was struggling with that - ironically stressing about work and rushing to get to a seminar about autism when I tripped and fell.

I felt as though I was making progress healing-wise about SIF so feel angry with God a bit that I have had another health issue thrown my way. I've had to put our adoption plans on hold as I am in no position to care for a baby right now. Our adoption file expires in April so depending on my recovery, we may only end up with a couple of months in the pool of prospective adoptive parents next year.

I feel as though God is screaming at me that this is not his plan for me - to have another child. Yet I still cannot accept it and my desire to mother again is as strong as ever.

My daughter finished school for the year last week. How heartbroken was I to read in one of her writing books that one day at school she'd written: "I want a brother or a sister because I am lonely." She tells me this stuff regularly but to see it written down was something else... I asked her why she wrote the story and she said because everyone else in her class has a brother or sister. Hmmm.

On Sunday I met up with some of the women from the infertility support network I started, including a new woman. I was able to shed some tears with them about the above piece of writing by my daughter. Normally I hold back my grief as they are all going through or have been through primary infertility. But I felt safe and ok around opening up around this particular group - but I don't feel like that with everyone in the network.

I've no idea where I'm headed in life at this point. I just have to recover from my accident for now and not think about the future too much.

We didn't get picked

2011-10-28T15:11:00.004+13:00

I got a call from our social worker on Tuesday to tell us that we didn't get picked as adoptive parents by the birth mother who looked at our profile in Dunedin. It wasn't a surprise, but it brought up a lot of SIF stuff for a couple of days. I certainly shed some tears and felt as if I had failed once again on the adding-to-our-family front.

Our social worker said she didn't know the full story and thought that perhaps the birth mother may have changed her mind about adoption, as all the profiles came back - not just ours.

Still. It's the closest we've gotten to being picked as adoptive parents. It is hard to not take it personally.

It seems to be another era of babies being born around me. SIF is still very much in my face. I continue to apply self-preservation. It is still hard to understand why God didn't want me to have my heart's desire. But I have hope and faith that He has another plan for me, if having another child isn't on the cards.

Deep down I know God has it all covered. There is change in the air yet I'm not sure where I'm headed. SIF has impacted me greatly and has touched every aspect of my being. I have emerged a different person who wants different things. Some things in my life no longer fit so I have to work through the aftermath of SIF and face the reality of where I stand with "the externals" in my life.

I no longer expect my life to be a certain way. Living with broken dreams for so many years hasn't been good for me. I am ready to hand it all over to God and to let him sort it out.

Will I Get A Rose?

2011-10-23T13:41:00.009+13:00

Waiting to hear whether or not a Birth Mother is going to choose us or not out of several profiles, is a lot like waiting for a rose from The Bachelor!

I can pretend that life is about other things right now, but ultimately it all comes back to getting a rose.

My gut feeling is that we haven't been picked. I'm pretty sure we'd know by now as the social worker took the profiles from our region down South late this week. Who knows. Perhaps big decisions (well, of course they are!) need to be made by the Birth Mum. Perhaps it takes more than one look to select an adoptive family.

Sigh. The thought of being picked has set me off into a bit of a panic - the timing is not great. I have been doing some extensive recovery work which means I have been confronted by some full-on emotional stuff. It is going to take a while to work through it all. I feel I'm not far away from an emotional break-through that has been sitting at the heart of all my SIF grief, all these years. Yet other women have emotional baggage in their lives and it hasn't resulted in completing their families being put on hold. But I strongly feel that I can not move forward in my life until I face all that has been revealed.

I'm also entering a very busy time at work and have a lot to do over the next couple of months, before the year is out. We also have a Halloween Party next weekend and it would break my daughter's heart to have to cancel it, if we did have to go down to Dunedin.

I've been thinking about how much my life has changed since becoming a one-child family - I went back into part-time work earlier than I perhaps would have (if another one had come along) , have had opportunities off and on to explore my creative side, and go to the gym regularly. I had a day on Friday which was all about me. It was the school holidays and my husband was home for the day so I went to the gym, went to work and had a couple of hours painting with a friend who'd set up a craft afternoon.

I am not naive. I do know that if a baby came along I can pretty much kiss most of these out-of-home activities I do, goodbye. At least to begin with.

I worry as to how I'd cope with two children on my own given my husband works all week and isn't home either until late at night or is on night shift. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Perhaps I would be in over my head. After all these years of wanting another child, I now question my capabilities.

But I know if a baby arrived, I would make it all work. The truth is I would drop all our other plans in a heartbeat and I would find a way. Just like every other Mum of two (or more) does.

Two babies have been born in my extended family over the last couple of days. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. The joy of a new baby - is there anything that can compete with that? I'm not sure. Nobody except for a handful of people in my everyday life know about our profile heading South. I will go to work this week as per normal and it will just be another week.

It will be good to get some feedback from the Birth Mother (if there is any) on Wednesday or Thursday via our social worker about our profile.

I know I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I'm feeling a mix of feelings and most of them are "on ice" I think - waiting until I hear for sure that we haven't been picked.

Six months left in the adoption pool

2011-10-19T15:46:00.007+13:00

In six months time we will have our answer. The waiting game will be over - we will either be adoptive parents - or not (once our file expires).

I'm at the point now of living life regardless of what happens. As time has gone on, I have let go of the outcome and have settled into life as it stands today.

Yet, change is in the air.

Yesterday I spoke to our social worker as a Birth Mum in Dunedin wants to view profiles from around the South Island. So this weekend our profile is going on a field trip! I know we will be one of several profiles that the Birth Mum will be looking at - but it is exciting to have the opportunity to be viewed.

Our social worker said to call her next week if we hadn't heard anything. In other words, if we got picked as adoptive parents for this baby girl that apparently arrived early, then we'd hear from our social worker. If we don't hear from her, we obviously didn't get picked. But our social worker said it is still good to touch base anyway to see if there was any feedback from the Birth Mum.

I have to admit, despite what I've declared above about being at peace with it all, I have been a bit triggered since we got this news. I have dreamed a little about travelling down to Dunedin to meet the baby girl and the Birth Mum. It is a possibility and dreams are free, afterall...

Interestingly I was in town recently and saw babies everywhere and this time round it wasn't a case of "Why not me?" it was more a case of "Is a baby the right thing for us?"

For reasons that are too personal even for this blog, I cannot disclose exactly what is going on with me except to say a lot of soul-searching about my life and the way I want to live it. Who knows if a baby is the right fit at this point.

We recently had family visit which meant we had my nine year old half-sister here for five nights. She has her own issues and a lot of behavioural problems. It was incredibly stressful and challenging having her stay. My husband I have agreed that as far as fostering goes; we aren't prepared to foster a child who is older than our daughter as it was a confusing time for her.

When I picked up my relatives from the airport a woman who was in the same antenatal yoga class as me was there picking up her husband. She told me she was pregnant with her fourth child. Her first child is my daughter's age - six - and is in the same class at school.

I no longer know if motherhood for the second time round is part of my destiny. I am leaving it all up to God now. Perhaps a life much different to the one I had dreamed of and planned for is waiting just around the corner. I will just have to wait and see.

Five Years Ago

2011-09-21T17:35:00.011+12:00

Five years ago

I had a dream

Another baby for our family

Fairly simple, you would think

I knew I was lucky

To have the one I was blessed with

But I wanted another

To fill my nest with

Quite early on

It was plain to see

That it might not happen

It became my life tragedy

But most people out there

Didn't get my pain

Meanwhile so many other women

Added children to their clan

I tried so many things

But nothing worked

Acupuncture and herbs

Fertility drugs - the works

Next we went through

The trials of the adoption process

Medical and police checks

And several interrogations

Adoption in this country

Doesn't happen much these days

It's an unlikely scenario

Our hopes could all be in vain

My daughter wants a sibling

And asks most weeks

For a sister or a brother

To play with in our street

Pregnant bellies

Are still hard to see

So are siblings playing together

And women with more kids than me

"Be grateful for the one you have"

I hear them say

Because somehow wanting two children

Is a form of shame

"Think of those

Who are worse off than you"

Well I know I am blessed

But I'm entitled to dreams too

Five Years On

2011-09-18T13:12:00.003+12:00

It's now five years since we started the quest to add to our family. Our daughter was just eighteen months old when this journey started. Because I'd had a c-section, I was advised not to start trying for a second child too early on. But I'd been forewarned by the obstertician who delivered our daughter, that because I'd lost an ovary at the same time, that early menopause might be a possibility so I was urged to not leave it too late. I was 38 years old.

I knew my age was "up there" yet I had several friends and acquaintances who conceived at the same age - and even older. I did conceive pretty fast - only for it to end in an early miscarriage. I had a sinking feeling that this was the last pregnancy I would ever have.

Shortly afterwards it was clear there were issues with my fertility. Deep down I knew it was serious. Yet I thought I could conquer this thing called secondary infertility and somehow find the magic formula to make my body do what I desperately wanted it to do. I tried everything. I tried alternative therapies - acupuncture and a herbalist. I was told it was stress, it was normal, and that my wonky cycles could be fixed. I trusted, I hoped, I prayed.

But I wasn't getting any younger and time was running out so I stepped it up a notch and got medical help. I was prescribed clomid which didn't work, followed by an operation to remove a cyst that was meant to improve my fertility. Once again I trusted, I hoped, I prayed. When this didn't work I was referred to a specialist.

About this time we started going through the adoption process. I knew that the specialist wasn't able to help me so held off on going to an appointment for a while. Blood tests, my own research and monitoring as well a gut instinct all led to the painful revealation that I was indeed going through early menopause. I was so far gone that not even IVF was an option - not with my own eggs anyway.

When I finally went to a specialist for closure more than anything, my self-diagnosis was confirmed. Donor egg was the only way I could experience a pregnancy ever again.

As we had already gone down the adoption route, the donor egg option didn't come into it. I knew that this was our last chance to add a child from birth into our family and I just didn't have any further energy to explore any other alternatives.

It took us almost two years to go through the adoption process. It was intense and we chose to put things on hold for several months as the leap from biological to adoptive child is big for many, and it was for us.

There is a small chance that an addition to our family could still happen as we are currently waiting in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. Our file expires in April next year and although we could renew it, we have chosen not to. Fostering is a possible option but we don't know yet whether or not that is the right fit for our family. Time will tell.

Our daughter is now six and a half years old.

In the last five years our daughter has started and finished Kindergarten, and has almost been at school for two years. We've bought a house. I've changed jobs. Twice. Our cat died that we had for several years And we now have new pets - a kitten and a dog.

We've travelled to Australia, to the North Island several times and have had four Christmases.

I've changed my hairstyle several times, lost weight, put in on again, lost it again - and so on.

Externally family-life has altered several times. But the desire to have another child has not.

I've no idea how many pregnancies and births I've heard about in the last five years but there have been many. If I could have a coin for every birth announcement in the last five years, well I'd perhaps not be rich, but I may have enough for a good meal out!

Secondary infertility has been the strangest, loneliest and most maddening journey of my life to go through. How many times I wished I was happy with just one child over the last five years, I can't say. But I have certainly prayed and willed my very deep-set desire to go away. Although I have been unable to see that it was all for the best, I have after all this time ever-so-slowly started to embrace my fate.

Well-meaning comments over the last five years have centred around the dreaded "Be grateful for the one you've got." and "Perhaps it's for the best." (Our only child is autistic).

The thing with secondary infertility, is you learn pretty fast that the child that did come to you is an incredible blessing. Knowing I will probably only get to go through all the milestones and ages and stages once, has been bittersweet. It is like saying goodbye to the child that is changing before my eyes while at the same time grieving the child that was meant to follow in her footsteps.

I have slowly been letting go of these wasted years over the last few months. In mind, body and soul it was time to move on. Five years has been too long for me to live a life on hold. With a child in the mix who desperately wants a sibling, it is hard to accept it may be just her. But adoptions are rare in this country and the reality is it is more likely to not work out, than happen.

I'm looking forward to April next year as the waiting game will finally be over.

It has been tiring. I'm ready for something new and ready to let go of a dream I held on to for a very long time. The thing is, five years on it is still there. It is a dream that I suspect will linger for the rest of my life.

The End Of An Era

2011-09-07T14:01:00.005+12:00

So I've been selling and giving away our under five gear over the last month or so. Several items are on TradeMe (NZ online secondhand selling and buying site). I've sold our buggy and our booster seat so far. I have to say I burst into tears once the buggy left. My daughter used it for a good five years and there was of course a lot of history with that buggy - numerous walks on the beach, walks in town, and we took it to Australia for a family trip when our daughter was 11 months old. For so long I had hoped another baby would get to use it and that when my daughter was at school, I'd be wheeling her sibling home after dropping her off. That of course didn't happen.

I gave an electronic baby gym we were given to Amelia's teacher who has a three month old. He was pleased with it and I was happy to give it to a good home.

If I can't sell the rest of the gear or find homes for it within the next couple of weeks, then I guess I will just take it all to an op shop. I could have done that to begin with but I like to take my time processing things and letting go of all this under five gear has been quite emotional.

But at the same time, the feeling still sits very clearly with me, that this is the right thing for us to be doing. It really is time to let it all go. There is something powerful in letting go.

I ended up having a lovely 43rd birthday, despite having laryngitis. I wasn't well but had a nice day with my husband including a relaxed lunch out at a cafe followed by cupcakes at our place. We had fish and chips for tea followed by more cupcakes with our daughter. I felt at peace that day - and free from SIF. Free from living with a broken dream. It really does feel as though the sky is looking blue again.

Yet despite my more contented state of late, I seem to have had a couple of weeks where pregnancies have been thrown in my face. And through lovely, lovely women who of course deserve to have babies. But it's always hard to hear about babies that were "accidents" or who were unplanned as I always feel old and inadequate. I cannot help but feel envious and probably always will when I hear about a pregnancy.

There is a terrible "joke" going around Facebook right now within New Zealand for Breast Cancer Awareness - females get forwarded a message from female contacts and basically it consists of two lists that match your birthday month and birthday date. You have to choose from the list the matching numbers and fill in the following with "I am _ weeks and craving_." Hmmm. One of my friends did it and the joke (?) is, males aren't meant to know what it's all about and just read the status. So my husband saw it and yelled out Is such and such pregnant?! I read it and assumed this friend of mine was and felt so hurt and angry that she'd announced her pregnancy like this - without telling me - only later to find out it was a joke....So not funny and so not a cool way to raise awareness for what is meant to be a good cause. I don't think so, anyway.

I found out one of my good friends had a miscarriage recently - with her second child. She went through primary infertility and has been through a lot already. Despite our history and closeness around so many topics; somehow it isn't quite there around infertility. It is interesting how taboo infertility actually is - even between good friends! I was surprised to hear she'd miscarried a few months back. She cried on the phone and shared how much she wants another baby. At least I was able to say that it is so, so natural to want another sibling for your child. Because it is.

It has been an interesting process adopting a dog who is seven years old and comes with a lot of history - some we know about, some we don't. We've had her for a month and at first she was quiet. Pretty settled, but quiet. But now her true colours are coming out and she barks and is cheeky - even friends have noticed that she is happier. She must miss her previous owners and was probably wondering what was going on at first.

After just a week of having her, it was obvious she had some issues with one of her legs so I got that checked out with the vet. We were told she has a torn knee which will one day get worse. When the time comes, we will have to make a very hard decision. Her previous owners emailed me not long after I got the news so I passed it on. We exchanged a few emails and I know they were sad about the prognosis as are we. They loved their dog a lot but weren't about to keep her with their new lifestyle. (living in a motorhome).

Being in touch with our dog's previous owners and going through this whole dog adoption has of course been uncanningly like going through an adoption for a human child. It has in fact changed my perspective around the relationship between birth and adoptive families.

When one of the previous owners dropped their dog off to us for the last time, I gave her a hug and said she was welcome to be in touch as much as she wanted and that I'd leave it up to her. It feels so right and natural that we have an open adoption with this dog. If anything bad happened to her, I would tell the previous owners. Somehow I have been given a lesson about ownership. This dog isn't one hundred percent ours. She lives with us now but she has a past.

Our profile needs to be updated - my husband has been in his new job for a while and we now have a dog - and now, I'm just processing my thoughts around contact with the birth family with an open adoption. Perhaps we have the capacity to be more open than we thought. God is helping me with this one so I am just sitting on it and will update our profile all in one go when the time is right.

One morning recently my husband and I woke up early - somehow before our daughter, kitten and dog! - and talked about fostering. I guess once we get to April next year we will reassess things. I can't do this again - this waiting in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. I don't want to reapply to be prospective adoptive parents when our time runs out. But fostering is possibility. Maybe.

We think we couldn't take on a child older than our daughter as she is our firstborn and also would be influenced by any behavioural challenges an older child may have. A toddler also wouldn't work as that is the age group our daughter struggles with the most - it would be different if a baby came into our home and grew up but to just bring a toddler into the mix is asking for trouble! So we agree it would have to be a child that was around four or five years old.

I guess I would be interested in going through the fostering programme next year if an adoption doesn't happen for us, just to hear more about it. There are all kinds of fostering - respite, short-term, long-term - and for life. I'm not sure if any of them would be the right fit for us. But I guess we've gone this far that we may as well look into fostering as well if it comes to that.

I can't imagine a baby in our homes anymore. It feels as though that ship has sailed. But we have a spare room and lots of love to give and space in our family - it just seems fostering is something we ought to at least consider.

Some Days It Stings

2011-08-25T14:20:00.003+12:00

Letting go of a dream is an interesting process as it seems to be (for me) about a whole realm of emotions. I was ready to do this. That, I know. Yet some days it stings. It's just the way it goes.

Despite adopting a lovely doggie who needs my care and attention - owning a dog won't one hundred percent replace the longing I have for another child.

This morning when I was in town I was triggered by the sight of party gear for children's birthday parties. My daughter is almost six and a half and as we sell and giveaway a lot of her under five gear; I cannot help but feel hurt that we are saying goodbye to her early years as well as the early years I had hoped to share with another child. It does break my heart.

Despite moments like this, I know this is where I'm meant to be. Letting go has brought a sense of freedom and relief I haven't had for a long time. Holding on was hurting me. It is a process and it is going to take time to move to the next chapter.

In some ways it feels as though the next chapter is already here. Our dog Meg is very much part of the family already. She does complete us - as I knew she would. If this is how our SIF story ends; then I know we will be okay.

But even when sitting around having lunch last weekend on a sunny Winters afternoon on our deck with the five of us - me, husband, daughter, dog and kitten and it felt for a moment right, peaceful and complete - my daughter still out of nowhere said "I want a brother to play with!" Ouch. She struggles as an only-child. Having a dog has made a difference - it's the best substitute we could come up with for a sibling. But nothing of course can truly replace having a sibling.

Despite some tears falling over the last couple of weeks as I let go in a significant way of what I had hoped for, I do have more acceptance than ever around my fate. I will be 43 tomorrow. I know there are great things in store for me in the future - they are just different to what I had hoped for so long. I can't look back anymore. I can't live with broken dreams. It's time to find some new ones.

I seem to have made my way back into the local Mum's circle. For a while there most Mums I knew had two or more children who were younger than my daughter so their coffee groups were all about being Mums. Although I was invited to one once, I didn't feel comfortable attending without a child.

A lot of the younger siblings are at Kindy or preschool now so a new coffee group has started up for Mums who have mornings free. I was invited to go yesterday but declined this time round as I am sick at the moment, but will probably go another time.

I guess I am out there again - back in the world and being invited to a few social things. I am starting to feel more connected to the local Mums I know, despite the majority of them knowing nothing about my SIF history. I suppose for so long my grief kept me so distant from so many people.

As I move on the best I can, self-preservation still needs to applied. I cannot view photos of completed families right now - I have to ignore them on Facebook at the moment. I know there is some raw emotion simmering beneath the surface and I need to give myself the time and space to work through it.

Therapy - in the form of a dog

2011-08-14T19:30:00.006+12:00

We officially adopted a dog last weekend! I have been on the look-out for a few weeks and found one on TradeMe (the New Zealand version of EBay). Her name is Meg. She is seven years old and is a bearded collie (crossed with cattle and whippet dog). Her previous owners sold their house and have moved into a motorhome.

It was love at first sight when I first met her. But we took the whole adoption process slowly, making sure Meg and all the members of our family were happy before taking her on for good. The previous owners also wanted to take it slow as they were emotional about giving up their dog. Meg has settled really well into our family a week on - our daughter adores her and even our nine month old kitten follows her around the garden and seems overall pretty content in her company.

I have wanted a dog for a while and knew it would help with the SIF healing. Owning a dog for a week so far has been a very positive experience - it has obviously given me something to love - to cuddle, to nurture and spend time with. Our family feels more complete with a dog in it. When the four of us are out walking (including Meg) - it feels right. Our daughter now has a playmate - someone to play and spend time with.

Every morning this week Meg came with my daughter and I on our walks to school. It's just a short walk - just five or ten minutes up the street but it's been such a positive way to start the day - for all of us. My daughter has had some difficulties at school over the last week or so and so having a dog to walk to school has been a great incentive for her to go to school. She is so proud of her and asks her peers after school to come and meet our dog.

I know owning a dog is God's Will for me - for us. There have been so many coincidences in the last week since Meg came into our lives - even acquiring her was a "meant to be" kind of a story.

One afternoon earlier this week I took Meg for a walk before picking up my daughter from school and I saw another Mum with a daughter in the same class also walking her dog. We ended up taking the dogs for a walk together. As we chatted about dog things (and other topics!) I noticed two women with bumps across the road from us pushing buggies. They were going in the opposite direction to us. I had a very distinct feeling from God that that wasn't His Will for me - to be wheeling a baby in a buggy at that moment in time - it was to be walking a dog. The Mum I was walking with has two children and it didn't even enter into the equation - it was about two Mums walking their dogs - it didn't matter how many kids we had.

A new peace has entered my being. Perhaps acceptance on a deeper level. I will be turning 43 in a couple of weeks. Almost five years ago when it was obvious I was most likely infertile at 38 I was heartbroken - it seemed so unfair and I felt as though I was too young despite late 30s being quite late in life to be adding to a family. But five years on I'm okay I think with being infertile at 43. In fact, I would expect to be infertile at 43. I certainly couldn't imagine carrying a baby anymore in my womb even though I wanted that for so long.

As for mothering - I've no idea if that will happen again for me. But I'm shifting away from that being a focus these days. I'm still wading through all our under five gear. It has been freeing and satisfying passing on gear to others knowing it has been greatly appreciated. I finally feel like I am really letting go in mind, body and soul. I'm ready to see what God has in store for me - even if it is a very different plan to the one I had hoped for (and held on to) for so long.

I can't do it anymore

2011-08-03T14:16:00.003+12:00

I am sitting in our spare room - the room I had once envisioned as being the bedroom for our second child. It is a non-descript room at this point - half an office/half a bedroom and is currently strewn with over five years of baby, toddler and preschool gear. It is absolutely heart-breaking to sit in the middle of it all as it represents years and years of hopes and dreams and only illustrates just how long I have wanted another child - it will be five years next month.

I am absolutely devastated as I know I have reached the point of letting go as I cannot hold on any longer to this desire I have lived with for so long. It is time to move on, to let go for once and for all and it is utterly painful.

We will be remaining in the pool of prospective adoptive parents - and have another eight months in the pool. But my hopes are dashed that that will work out. I see adoption as something that is unlikely to happen and need to start moving on and working on facing and accepting things as they stand today. Perhaps I got spooked by the BM (Birth Mum) I know as in the end, she did end up "giving up" her baby and it was obviously a very difficult thing for her to do.

We had a garage sale in the weekend. It was all a bit spontaneous. Our neighbour has sold his house and we share a driveway so we thought we may as well sell a few things too. I put in some of our under five stuff. It was hard to see the highchair go and a few tears were shed about that. Also women were buying bags of girls clothing and it was difficult to see my daughters old clothes being purchased. I have boxed up all her clothes and have found homes for them according to sizes - either as hand-me-downs to other families or charity. It does feel good to be helping others out, knowing clothes and toys etc are being used rather than gathering dust in the garage.

Letting go feels like the right thing to do. I have reached the point where I am so burnt out by SIF in mind, body and soul that I do not know who I am anymore. I have ridden the roller coaster ride of SIF for almost five years and I need to get off, even if it means letting go of a dream I desperately really wanted for so long. Ironically, sometimes holding on can cause more pain than letting go as although this is all terribly painful, I know in time I will feel lighter and freer again. But it's not going to happen overnight.

Our neighbour ended up buying some of our baby gear at the garage sale as he and his partner are newly pregnant with their second child. How ironic. Boy was there a lump in my throat around that one.

I know there are some big tears on the way but I'm afraid to open the flood gates. Afraid to release the emotion that has kept me trapped in my own SIF prison for so long because one day it may seem I never wanted another child because I will be okay.

I know I will be okay - but will I ever be good again? Will I be truly happy? I want to be - and that is why I'm choosing to move on at this point. But I fear this is has been too big, too painful, too disappointing and too long to get past. I wish I never wanted a second child. I wish I could have been happy with the one child I have. I have wasted so much time and energy living for what wasn't instead of what is. I hate how much it has affected my whole life.

There is a lot of emotion churning away right now - mainly anger. I don't understand God's Will for me. I am beaten in mind, body and soul and feel a fool for hanging in as long as I did. I feel bitter and twisted, depressed and flat - I've lost all hope and I really hope it returns one day.

It will take me a few days/weeks to sort through the rest of the kids stuff I am sitting amongst. I want to sell the big items like car seats and buggies on Trademe (the New Zealand equivalent of EBay). It's like I just want it all gone as fast as possible. The physical reminders are painful. Even our neighbours partners Mum at the garage sale commented about all the old baby stuff we had and obviously wondered why. I told her it had been five years and nothing had happened. She was quiet after that.

I know every woman or couple gets to a point in their IF or SIF journey where they know it's time to stop. We are all different around that. I just think it will not be good for my mental health if I continue to wait and hope that a baby is coming our way. I cannot put all these emotions that are beneath the surface that need to come out on hold as we wait for another eight months. They need to come out now. This chapter is coming to a close in my life. It will be the best thing for all of us. It is just going to hurt and I'm bracing myself for the fall-out.

Letting Go Of A Dream

2011-07-24T14:39:00.007+12:00

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. So much seems to have gone on. My husband started his new job a couple of months ago and we've all been adjusting to his new hours as a family. At first he started off working 12 hour shifts Monday - Friday. But as of a couple of weeks ago he now works alternative weeks where one week it is 12 hour shifts Monday - Thursday and then three nights (also 12 hours) the following week: Monday - Wednesday night. Night shift is going to take a while to get used to as basically my husband comes home from work and goes to bed around the time my daughter and I are getting ready for the day.

For the first six years of my daughter's life my husband came home from work at a little after 4.30pm and was a big part of the dinner/bath/bed routine. Now all that has changed as I do it all weekdays. It has been a lot more tiring doing it on my own during the week and as a consequence, I have less spare time in the evenings. But it feels like I've gone back to the days of early motherhood where motherhood came first and everything else came second and that I'm at home more, which isn't a bad thing.

My daughter and I went away up to the North Island for four nights a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't been up that way for two years and caught up with a good friend of mine, my family and my in-laws. It was a good way to check in to see where I was at in regards to SIF as when I was last up that way and catching up with the same people, I was a bit of a mess. (not openly - just behind closed doors once I had been around Mums of Two in particular.)

This time round I found I was in a different place. We stayed two nights with the Mum that has two children and I was okay. I was also okay seeing in-laws with the families I had hoped for for so long. Somehow the trip was about cementing the fact that a big part of my being is moving on from SIF.

Yet while I am able to be around families of many in a way I never used to be able to, I find that I am now living in a very cynical space. I no longer expect life to be great or for miracles to happen. I have lost hope and am at the stage where I can no longer wait for this want of mine to happen. I have talked with my husband and we have made a decision to let go of most of our under five gear - by either selling it or giving it away. I know it will be a painful process in some respects, but at the same time living with a garage full of expired baby, toddler and preschool gear just doesn't feel right anymore. I am giving myself a couple of months to slowly work through all the piles of clothes, toys, books as well as sorting out the bigger items such as the highchair, car seats and buggy.

I know an adoption could happen for us; but I do think it is most unlikely. The birth mother whose son is in the same class as my daughter at school decided to keep her baby. I wasn't surprised. I'm not sure what the lesson around that was/is for me. But I know I cannot hold on til April next year (when our adoption file expires) to see what happens. I have to act as if it won't happen and just carry on. Our lives have been on hold for five years this September and that feels way too long. It is heartbreaking that we have waited this long with no result but equally as heartbreaking is all we have lost as a family in that time as well. It's time to claim our lives back again.

Part of going away up to the North Island with my daughter was about celebrating my one-child family. It feels as though I am making a living amends to her in lots of ways. It is not fair for her either to be waiting for months and months for the sibling that may never come. It just feels like the kind thing to do to is just to move on as a family at this point in time. I have a whole pile of photo albumns that I want to create - of my daughter's early years. I made one of our trip together up North for her. I don't want her to ever think that five years of her life were spent waiting for another child and that she wasn't good enough.

I have organised a couple of get-togethers with the infertility support group I started over the last couple of months. Although it was good to go to them, I am at a point where I think I may not attend all the get-togethers I organise . The network I have started locally is kind of split in two as those with primary infertility want child-free get-togethers and those who went on to conceive, want child-friendly get-togethers so I end up going to both, not really fitting into either. When I catch up with the women who are going through primary infertility, I always feel guilty for being a Mum already and for wanting another child. And when I meet up with the Mums who went on to have the child or children they wanted - even though it was through an alternate means for most of the women in our network - I feel I do not fit with them either.

Meanwhile, my daughter's social world has been expanding which means I am getting to know some new families through her - most have two or more children. But I've been okay with it. It is just really wierd to have been through something as big as SIF and to just carry on within these Mum circles as if all I ever wanted was one child. I was asked to a social get-together with some of the school Mums recently and I declined as it was a last minute invite, but I said I would go next time. In a way it feels as though I am reconnecting with the Mum networks I used to be part of, before the ugliness of SIF interfered with many of my Mums circles.

I have been doing some recovery work with a friend and that has revealed some pretty big stuff around my family of origin that lies beneath my desire for another child. It is pretty painful and uncomfortable but I know I need to face it in order to heal and move on with my life. There is a lot going on. I'm moving on, letting go and just living life as it is today - instead of how I wanted it to be.

Finding hope again

2011-06-23T14:02:00.007+12:00

What is interesting about living with long-term loss is the different ebbs and flows that come with the territory. It seems even almost five years into this; I still don't know how I might feel on any given day, week or month. I can never say I am "done" with it - as in infertility. It's unlike any other grief I've ever experienced.

I think back, for instance, to a former boyfriend who broke my heart a lifetime ago - and I feel total indifference for him now. I healed from the pain that relationship caused me. Even just weeks when it was over, I could see progress, despite the fact it took a while to mend my broken heart. The point is, I could see I was moving forward in little steps. Likewise, when I've lost a loved one I've experienced that awful heart-wrenching feeling of raw emotion that comes when a life ends - but after days, weeks or months of tears, I've been able to put that death in perspective and appreciate the life that was lost.

With secondary infertility, I have wondered for some time if this is the thing - the big life event - that has finally broken me. I seem to have survived so many things in life - typically bouncing back stronger than ever after a period of mourning. But this time round - I have lost myself and my faith and hope in a way that has caused me to feel almost dead inside at times. It hasn't been a nice way to live at all.

But after starting working through the (12) steps again; a new hope has emerged. I have been reminded that although in the past some of the trials I've been given threatened to break me deeply - I did survive. I faced whatever came my way and eventually turned things around. I am starting to think that I can do the same again. I have hope emerging that I won't feel broken forever - that peace, acceptance and a feeling of wholeness will be mine once again. I have accepted that after the earthquake of my inner being struck - infertility - I am now still cleaning up the emotional debris. It is going to take time. But I have to trust that better things are ahead - that I won't feel empty and incomplete forever.

Somehow finding hope again has given me some peace with my life as it stands again. It is by no means perfect, but according to the God of my understanding - it simply is as it is meant to be. I don't have to fight it or try to find an alternative to the dreams I had. This seems to be a time of just being.

For the last five weeks my husband has been working 12 hour days, five days a week. At first it was a big adjustment for my daughter and I. It is hard for her to not see her Dad five nights of the week and I am essentially a solo parent during the week.

But we have survived the transition - my daughter and I have our own routine and are doing ok. In many ways it reminds me of when I was a full-time at-home Mum and it was just the two of us during the week. I think it is strengthening my relationship with my daughter as I am home a lot more during the week now. Before my husbands new job I was out a couple of nights a week with work and meetings. In many ways I was searching for a way of filling that hole that was meant for my second child. Now I feel like I'm accepting on some level that it is just the two of us - just my daughter and I and that that in itself can be great. It's like making amends to her for the years of craving for another child.

Not that I still don't want that - I absolutely do. But since it's coming up to five years of living with a lost dream - I just can't do it to myself much longer. I see five years of baby, toddler and preschool gear piled up in the garage and it just breaks my heart - not just because another child didn't come to us - but for all the wasted years of holding on to that stuff, in the vain hope that it will be used one day.

Last week I stood outside the assembly hall and watched my daughter in a class performing Kapa Haka with her peers. A couple of Mums - one of two children and one of three children commented how glad they are that they are past the nappy era. I didn't say anything. All I know is, I see Mums with babies and I just want to be in their shoes. Still. I have wanted this for so many years - unbelievable that the desire has never wavered. Even during a business lunch this week I thought I'd much rather be the Mum carrying her baby around the cafe than me - talking with a work colleague.

This afternoon as I watched my daughter in her jazz ballet class three lots of Mums of Two did the comparing-their-kids game - as in how different their two children are in personality and hair etc. It always hurts being a by-stander to conversations like that - ones I had hoped to be part of.

The Birth Mum (BM) whose son is in my daughter's class at school has had her baby - I saw her walking with the baby in a front pack yesterday. In New Zealand the baby isn't legally adopted until 12 days after the birth - so the BM has the choice of either keeping the baby until then or putting it in foster care until the adoption. I just about cried when I saw that baby - not because of me and my hopes - but for the BM and what she must be going through. She has the option to not adopt - who could blame her for changing her mind. Somehow crossing paths with her has given me a greater understanding of BMs and what they go through to make such a difficult decision.

Perhaps we are all a little bit broken

2011-06-12T17:44:00.004+12:00

It's been a reflective couple of weeks. After the bizarre incident of crossing paths with a birth Mum (BM) recently (she is the mother of a son in my daughter's class at school) and hearing a bit about her side of her story, it has caused me to question our suitability as adoptive parents. A friend of mine knows the family the BM has picked to adopt her baby to which makes it all feel a little too - close.

The other day I was disciplining my daughter in the playground after school and let's just say things weren't going smoothly. The aforementioned BM was seated next to me and I found it all to be a bit uncomfortable, as if her knowing that I am a hopeful adoptive parent somehow leads the impression that I think I am or could be a better parent than what any given BM could be. But I don't think that's what it's all about at all - who is the better parent when it comes to adoption. It is about timing and circumstances and the kind of space a BM Mum is in.

The thing is, as a Mum of a six year old daughter with autism, I am challenged. I am no super-Mum. I am out of my depth frequently. There are days in which I feel trapped. Days I want to escape. I'm not sure these traits - although human ones - aspire me to the super status of being an adoptive Mum because I don't feel I can necessarily do a better job than a BM. Now that I know a BM who is already a parent - I can see she is a Mum who probably has similar struggles to me. I guess God wanted me to meet a BM I knew vaguely through my daughter - but the whole exchange has been a little unsettling.

My daughter has been talking every day for at least a month about a sibling. I just don't think it is good for us all as a family to be in limbo land for so long. I carry guilt around not being able to provide my daughter a sibling and guilt around that I couldn't just let it go - that I had to put us all through the adoption process and now endure this tiresome waiting.

At the gym I go to there are two men who have recently had some serious health issues - one man has a muscular deterioration of some kind and the other has had a major stroke. I used to play sport (dragon-boating) many years ago with the guy who has had the stroke. He used to be fit, an astute businessman, enjoyed travelling and having adventures and liked a good laugh. So when I saw him in the gym the first time after his stroke I was surprised. But it wasn't until we actually had a conversation the other week and I found I could barely comprehend what he was saying due to the physical changes in his face which has made his speech very hard to understand - that I felt truly shocked and saddened for him. When he described a little of what he went through, my eyes started to well up.

The other man has travelled to the USA to have treatment for his muscular condition. However he looks like he's come out on the other side of it all as he was wheelchair bound at one point and now strolls around, almost back to his old self. But appearances don't fool me; this man has been changed forever. He went from a fit forty-something year old to a man who could barely move. He's not going to forget his experiences in a hurry and even though he looks good right now; I'm he lives with his health issues every single day.

I don't find it hard to identify with these men at all after my own experiences of SIF. I guess life doesn't go as planned for most of us in some form. We all have our stories to tell, even if one person's story is seemingly more dramatic than the next. I don't believe in downplaying a persons pain. When people say "There is always someone worse off than you." I don't think that's a fair comment. True, there will always be someone worse off - but we each hold our own pain and deserve to be heard and acknowledged whatever our story may be.

I sometimes feel as if life throws a series of events at us that causes us to feel unhinged. Sometimes there are gaps between these triggers, which allows us time to settle into life and to find our way again. But before we know it, something else comes up and we are once again left to desperately find our place in the world again. Perhaps we are all born a little bit broken and things happen to us in life that cause that brokenness to be exposed - to bring out that raw human vulnerability that lives in the centre of all of us.

I know for myself I still hold a lot of pain around my family of origin and my parents divorce fifteen plus years ago which resulted in our family - my parents, my sister and I, scattering ourselves all over the world. I still have a lot of healing to do around that and get that part of my desire to have a second child was a bit of a feeble attempt at creating the family I always wanted ie: a happy one. Ironically the family I have now - although beautiful - is very different to the one I had hoped for. Instead of two kids playing happily in our home, I have a daughter with autism who is lost a lot of the time in the world. My grief on the family front is doubled - for my daughter and the challenges she and we face with her autism - and for the sibling/the family of four we aren't.

There was a time when I thought I would come out on the other side of SIF. That I would one day be able to forget it ever happened. That I would feel like "me" again. But almost five years into this and I know that I have changed forever - that I will probably feel broken for the rest of my life. And just like the men I mentioned in the gym - life will never be the same again.

I still feel stuck in my life and unable to move forward very much which is the other part of waiting (in the prospective adoptive parents pool) that frustrates me. It's almost as though once I know for sure what is going to happen, I will be set free.

My job could fizzle out at the end of the year which means it isn't the most rewarding job to be in. It doesn't feel like it has a lot of meaning when it may not last much longer. I guess I have been feeling a little lost in my own life of late - if I'm not meant to be a Mum again (perhaps) and my job isn't stable then what am I meant to be doing? I am going to do another round of the (12) steps with a friend which will help things - guess I just need some spiritual direction and meaning in my life again.

My daughter and I are heading to the North Island in three weeks time for four nights - the main event is my Great Aunt's 90th. We are staying with a good friend of mine for two nights and then are spending two days catching up with extended family. It's quite a big step for me to stay with my friend as she has two children and we've had some hard times during our friendship when she went through her second pregnancy and went on to have her second child. Sometimes I cannot read posts or view photos of her second child or her two children together, so it will be interesting to see how I go staying with her. I stayed with her two years ago and woke up in the night crying after seeing her then three year old with her baby sister.

On my husbands side of the family, I will be seeing eight of my daughter's cousins and one of her Aunts has her third child on the way. Two years ago one of her other Aunts had had her second child. Most of the cousins have siblings. It was hard last visit but I expect and know I will probably get triggered - it's just the way it goes. But it feels right to go up and see everyone - I cannot hide from the people I love and care about forever - even if they have the babies/families I had hoped for.

Waiting in the adoption pool

2011-06-03T13:10:00.012+12:00

Last weekend I organised a get-together with the women who have had babies from the local Infertility Support Network I started. It was really nice. Three women have had babies over the last eighteen months and the babies are aged between three and six months old. Another woman has a baby on the way. I wasn't sure how I would feel going along to this morning tea, as although I invited everyone from our infertility network; there were only two of us who went who haven't had babies since the group started. But I felt okay. More than that - it felt good to hold and comfort some of the babies. It was the first time in a long time I had been in a situation with a lot of babies in a room all at once as I have avoided such scenarios for years. I actually found it to be healing. I'm not sure I would feel the same holding babies in a room full of "fertiles" - and am probably in no hurry to find out!

Seeing all the success stories as such together has inspired me to keep going with our infertility network - to keep putting the word out there so I have been doing that - creating a page on Facebook and advertising in more than one newspaper now. I just want to keep the group alive. It will be two years since I started the group in October.

I had a rather wierd situation this week. One of the Mums of a boy in my daughter's class at school is pregnant. She told me when she first found out about the pregnancy how much she didn't want the child. I was so hurt and angry about what she said - for all sorts of SIF reasons - that I have kept my distance from her. However we were sitting next to each other in the playground after school yesterday as our kids played and she shared that she only had two more weeks to go. There was a bit of an awkward silence and then she said she was giving the baby up for adoption. She then told me who the family was - a family with eight (!) children that had strong Christian beliefs. I said to her it must have been very hard to make that decision and she revealed that it was an open adoption and that she and her son would be able to have a lot of contact with the baby. She then said she had seen our profile! Hmmm. That was very wierd. I just joked how small our town was and she said she hadn't told anyone that she'd seen it. She also said our profile had been to Christchurch as after the earthquake some more profiles needed to go down there. Interesting. I haven't heard anything about our profile been viewed or travelling out of the town we live in.

I have felt a bit triggered around the above. I mean it's good to know that our profile has been looked at. But obviously the content hasn't interested any prospective birth parents yet. I cannot help but wonder or tick off the reasons in my head why there is a lack of interest: Is it because our daughter is autistic? Is it because I was on anti-depressants for six months? (during my dark days of SIF). Is it because I said I might have to put our potential adopted child into child-care? Do we not earn enough money? Are we not outdoorsy enough? Does our profile not read well?

I dunno. At the time when we carefully put our profile together, I felt we did the best we could and that it was an honest account of who we are. It just does hurt that we may not be what prospective birth parents are looking for. I haven't even updated our profile yet but need to do that since my husband started his new job. Our social worker didn't seem to think there was much of a hurry to do so. I also needed to settle into our new working week now my husbands work hours have changed so I know what I want to write there.

For the first six years of our daughter's life my husband worked until 4.30pm which meant he was very hands-on with the whole dinner/bath/bed routine. Now, in his new job, he is working 12 hour days - from 7am - 7pm. It means sometimes when he gets home our daughter is asleep. She is missing him and so am I. I feel as though I am solo parenting during the working week. It is a good change for us financially - this new job of his is much more secure. He is working extra days too - over 60 hours a week while the overtime is there.

It feels like another new era. In a way it is like going back to the early years when I was a fulltime at home Mum as it is just me managing the house and cooking tea and taking care of our daughter during the week. Even though my husband was home at 4.30pm, I still had long days at home with my daughter before she started Kindy. I do wonder how I would go with a baby on board knowing it would be mainly me doing it all during the week.

I'm not sure how to take the strange situation of crossing paths with a birth Mum whose son is in the same class as my daughter's! What is God trying to tell me? That we aren't viable candidates as adoptive parents - or that we have a chance. I guess it's nice to know that an adoption is about to happen locally - but it hurts that it wasn't us - even if I know in my heart there is no way adoption would have been right with this particular birth Mum.

For many months it has felt "secret" being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents - now it feels kind of like we've been exposed. Not only that, the birth Mum mentioned is the Mum of the son who put a skipping rope around my daughter's neck a few weeks back in the playground. I've always been wary of this Mum anyway - now especially so. Even when she first told me she was pregnant and that she didn't want it, I knew it would be wrong to mention we were hoping to adopt. It would not be right obviously to have two children in the same class, at the same school being connected by adoption. Apparently the birth Mums son, six years old, is quite upset at losing his sibling. I understand that. It would not be fair to have a classmate calling his sibling her sibling - too, too wierd in so many ways! The birth Mum is a solo Mum and doesn't want to be a solo parent again.

If anything this encounter has given me an insight into a birth Mum's situation. I guess it was interesting too hearing what she was looking for - some things we aren't/can't offer. Not that she said that of course but just from the descriptions given of the families she was interested in - there were two in the end - and they sound quite different to us. It is easy to feel that we don't compare. I know I shouldn't do the comparing game - but it is hard not to.

I know she is just one birth Mum - but the fact that we are so close to an adoption happening - as in by degrees of separation - is bizarre. My daughter still talks daily about a sibling. Sometimes I don't know what to say to her. I can't say I enjoy waiting in the adoption pool all that much. Obviously I'd probably see it differently if we'd been picked - or a birth family was interested in us. I suppose at this point it just feels like rejection once again - rejection from God initially that we couldn't have another child - and now a possible rejection about being adoptive parents.

Despite all this, I have been doing okay. I have biked to work a few times - a half hour each way over the last couple of weeks. This simple act has brought a new energy into my week. I also feel like bits of the old me are merging with the post-SIF me. I feel lighter. My daughter is befriending kids with siblings and I'm okay with it. I don't have envy around every Mum of Two I cross paths with. I still apply self-preservation and won't always view photos of completed families on Facebook. I know what my triggers are. And some aspects of SIF are less painful than they used to be. So I must still be moving forward and healing in my own time - ever so slowly. AF has been visiting for two and a half weeks - very odd - and quite unexpected. I have been applying estrogen internally and that could be contributing to my well-being - not sure. It feels as though I have accepted my SIF/early menopause fate at least, using a cream that I was resistant to using for quite some time.

SIF affects the whole family

2011-05-20T12:44:00.011+12:00

It is not just me who is affected by SIF. It is a family disease. My husband seems to have accepted the status quo for the most part - but still has to live with a wife who remains dissatisfied with her family of three. Therefore he lives with the ghost of SIF, even if he is okay with things being the way they are.

My six year old daughter is feeling the loneliness of being an only-child at the moment. For the last two days the promise and the hope of a sibling has been a big topic with her. I never instigate such conversations - it all comes naturally from her. It breaks my heart. She would prefer a sister and has plans for the two of them to share a room and with bunk beds. She wants to read to her little sister and to teach her things. She wants to show her round school and play with her at lunchtime. She wants to share her toys and help look after her.

It is hard to know what to say. I tell her that by the time she is seven years old we will know if a baby is coming to us or not. I say all we can do is pray for a baby and wait and see if God wants that for our family too.

I know underneath it all my daughter is lonely for other reasons - she is going through a phase of feeling disconnected at school with her peers and playing alone at lunchtime sometimes. She no doubt thinks having a sister could be the answer to all her problems. But of course having another little person in the house although joyful on so many levels, would also be a challenge and a big adjustment, no matter how much she claims to want it.

I went for a half-hour appointment in town this morning with a Dr (not my usual one) around menopause. Nothing new really came out of it. I just got a script for vaginal creams to help with er, lubrication and hopefully the estrogen deficiency I have. I'm also to take Vitamin D as a calcium supplement. I had a good talk with her and it wasn't that easy - I don't much enjoy having to relay my SIF history. She suggested I go for grief counselling. I said I'd consider it. But then I have been for counselling FOUR times over the last almost five years. I don't think SIF is something I can ever completely get through or finish processing. It is such a big part of me now that I know it will stay with me for life.

The Dr was sympathetic though about what 'd been through and particularly SIF. I don't get sympathy or understanding often and it opened me up. I left the appointment in tears.

I contacted our social worker this week via email as my husband starts a new job on Monday which means we will have to update our profile. We have made a decision that I will leave my job if we get picked as adoptive parents which I feel good about. I was an at-home Mum with my daughter all the way through, just working evenings and weekends until she was six months off from starting school and then I got a part-time day job that worked in with her school hours. I hope to be able to do that again if there is another child in our family. The idea of putting a child in childcare - especially one I've waited almost five years for just didn't feel right. Our social worker said there was no hurry to update our file as she would let us know if somebody wanted to view it. So no views or interest yet and we have been officially in the pool for prospective adoptive parents for five months.

It's a vulnerable day. After the appointment around menopause and the conversations with my daughter around a sibling, I wish I could once again change things. Obviously I can't change what is but if I could change my own attitude and stop this longing for another child, I would do it in a heartbeat. Eleven more months to go and we will have our answer as to whether or not we will be adoptive parents. I guess I can wait a few more months. What's another year or so tagged on to the long wait I've had already.

Footnote: I suggested my daughter write a letter to God after she came home from school exclaiming "I cannot live without a brother or sister!" Where does this come from?! When I asked her who she played with at lunchtime, she said no-one - and that she pretended to play with her sister and today asked a classmate if she would be her sister. When I told her I had a morning tea planned this Sunday with some Mums that would have babies (it's a get-together for the infertility group I started in town - for all the women that have had babies since the group started and any other members of the group that want to come) she asked if any of them might like to give us a baby! It feels so awful how hard she is feeling what I think is a very real loss at this time. Her note to God read: "Dear God, I would like a brother or sister to play with at home." So it is no longer just me praying for an addition for our family.

Empty Nest Syndrome

2011-05-12T13:22:00.000+12:00

Mothers of Many don't get a lot of time to themselves. They often can only dream of time-out from their families. I know some Mums would envy the downtime opportunities I have in my week for myself. But today I envy them.

I have just been into town - had a meeting and a cuppa with the women from the autism group I am connected to. I went shopping - I bought card and stickers for sticker charts for my girl and art canvasses on sale for myself. I also bought my husband some new pants (as in trousers) for his job interview tomorrow and some clothes for my daughter.

I'm home now. The washing machine is going and I have stuff to do. But I feel it today - that lingering gnaw of an emptiness inside that was meant to be filled by another child.

I feel as though I am moving forward in my life in some ways - there is movement happening on the creative front. I don't feel completely stagnant like I did for so long. But the desire of another child coupled with the reality of one not being here - and possibly not coming any time soon - is painful today.

Even in town I found myself wondering what my daughter would think of the clothes I bought her - how she would of course have input around which coloured pieces of card I purchased for her sticker-chart. But she wasn't with me. Her second year into school, she flew the nest well over twelve months ago. Yet I miss the early days, when we did have our trips into town and cafes and did our own thing on our own schedule.

I found out this week that a workmate is pregnant with her third child. She would be about my age. It was an unplanned pregnancy, apparently. It still feels like a new shock some days - that my body cannot produce another child. It is very hard to get past the feeling of feeling very old.

I have made an appointment to see a doctor next week for a half hour appointment about (early) menopause. It will be good to have the whole half hour appointment to have the opportunity to discuss the various menopausal symptoms I have.

I have organised a morning tea with the women from the infertility network I have started up in a weeks time. One of the women from the network is hosting it and it is child-friendly this time so some of the babies who have arrived since I started the network will be there. I was in a good space when I suggested the get-together - I'm just hoping this vulnerable phase will pass before the morning tea.

It still amazes me how SIF can throw me off in an instance. Today it was about simply coming home to an empty house after some time in town missing my daughter's company.

I have been trying to live my life simply with no expectations and for the most part that works. In four months time it would have been five years of hoping for another shot at motherhood. What a long, long time. I cannot believe I have had an unfulfilled dream for so long. The dream - the longing and the wanting - has never changed. I have never once over the last four and a half years felt as if I have moved on from this dream. Many times I have wished I would - but it is still a very real desire - as it was all those years ago when we first TTC our second child.

Apparently there is a programme on tv at the moment about reuniting people and it features adoption stories - New Zealand ones - called Missing Pieces. I'm not quite ready to watch that, I don't think. Another workmate commented about parenting a newborn in her forties - that she'd find that hard and she didn't think she could do it (in reference to the work colleague who is pregnant in her 40s). I think I would find it hard too, with my menopausal symptoms going on - and that worries me. That perhaps the reality is I couldn't cope with a young baby. I'm glad I haven't disclosed to work that I am hoping to adopt. I couldn't handle being questioned about it - however well intentioned. I'm glad I've kept it quiet.

Mothers Day - a bittersweet occasion

2011-05-08T15:15:00.005+12:00

It's Mothers Day here in New Zealand. It is the fourth Mothers Day I've had since trying to add to add to our family. Our daughter was two years old when I had my first Mothers Day within this SIF era - she is now six.

Every single Mothers Day for the last four years has been the same - bittersweet. There is that sheer appreciation and gratitude of having the one child that I know many dealing with primary infertility would kill to have. But it is tainted by the pain and heartache caused by a longing that has lingered for too long - to have another child.

In some ways I am in a good place - or at least a better place around SIF. In other ways the ongoing angst of living with a broken dream makes it hard to push on and live life on lifes terms. Days like this - Mothers Day - are what I consider to be milestone days for those of us that fall into the infertility bracket. No matter how healed or how much acceptance there might be around infertility - it tends to flare up at times like this.

Perhaps it was a blessing that today when my husband and daughter decided to take me out for a Mothers Day lunch that because we hadn't booked, we ended up driving around and having more of an afternoon tea at a venue that wasn't overloaded with Mums of many. I know today is one of those days that I needed to not be around completed families. So it was nice to end up in a cafe that wasn't so child-friendly (but still very nice).

My SIF guilt rares it's ugly head on Mothers Day. Especially because my daughter was so excited about it this year - she woke up at midnight and stood at our bedroom door and asked if it was morning yet! She had bought a present with her Dad and had planned a special in-bed breakfast - pancakes which she bought in on a tray for me. We sat in bed and shared them together. A lovely morning and I felt truly pampered.

I started off the day after that feeling hopeful that perhaps this Mothers Day the emotional backlash wouldn't occur - that I'd feel good all day and that SIF would remain in the background. But the feelings are up there - the hurt and the longing for a dream that wasn't to be. I cannot help but wonder where we will be a year from now - it will be the Mothers Day after our file expires in the adoption pool. At least we will have an answer on where things lie around adding to our family by then.

I emailed our social worker recently and said to her my husband and I want to just keep to our original plan - to see what happens over the next 11 months. We will review/reassess things next year to see if we want to venture down the fostering route. At the moment fostering doesn't feel like the right option for our family so we will have to wait and see what happens.

I have had a bit of grief surface of late and it's more to do with a life on hold and all the pain that has caused me/my family over the last four and half years than the pain of not having a second child. Although my life feels as though it is becoming unstuck - that I am moving on from a life in standstill - I feel so much remorse for the pain my SIF grief has caused my family - even if it is only subtle.

It seems so unfair that for most of my daughter's life I have been grieving for an unborn child. I really feel this today - on Mothers Day - that my grief has overshadowed the joy of having my beautiful daughter. Oh how I wish I never desired a second child.

I have had a lot of positive feedback around an article I had published in the local paper lately. I am making a real effort to focus on my creative ambitions - my writing and art. Coincidentally that focus all halted once SIF hit - and SIF was all I wrote and thought about for over four years. Now I am writing about other things and painting again. So I am moving forward in my own way once again.

Acceptance

2011-05-01T17:15:00.003+12:00

It's been a while since I last posted - around three and a half weeks - which is quite a gap for me. But I have been busy focusing on other stuff (besides SIF) in life.

Firstly I have spent any spare time I've had on writing an article about autism for the local paper (which was published) as well as getting some paintings done for the stall I had at a Fair over Easter. I have been creatively-focused!

It has also been the school holidays here (two weeks) and we went away for two nights to my Mum's holiday home. The day we left there to come back my Dad and half-sister, aged nine, arrived to stay for five nights. So I had almost a week of "mothering" two children. It was good but with my daughters ASD and my half-sister with behavioural issues; it was certainly challenging at times!

I believe I have had a shift around the whole SIF deal/adding to our family. I have mentioned the three "As" in recovery before - awareness, acceptance and action and how to get to action you need to move through awareness and acceptance first. I find myself very much moving into acceptance. I think for most of my SIF journey, I have sat within awareness - I was just not able to accept my fate for a very, very long time.

I believe I have accepted what God has dished out - early menopause and as a consequence of that - SIF. I still am a big WIP though around some aspects of acceptance - body image being a big factor. Yet I was able to talk to a friend who went through POF (premature ovarian failure) at a much younger age than me, around some of the stuff that comes up as a woman going through menopause so much earlier in life than anticipated. I had to cancel my appointment with the clinic in town that specialises in menopause last term but will reschedule that. I am also considering going for some counselling around early menopause and what a big impact that has had on my life.

My husband and I have mutually decided to not pursue the permanency (long-term fostering) route at this point. It took us two long years to go through the adoption process (our choice to take that long) so we really just want to give adoption a chance so will wait and see what happens over the next year. Fostering may or may not be in our future - I really don't know. It would be easy to force a solution and to go down that track but our preference is to parent from birth - in an adoption situation rather than as foster parents.

Also after having my half-sister here this week, it is a reminder of how difficult it can be for my daughter to share her space with another child. She had four full-blown meltdowns this week (including two in one day). Although she enjoyed having a playmate a lot of the time, she was out of her depth dealing with some of my half-sisters emotional outbursts. We did all learn from these scenarios - and talked about them. But I just have to trust that God will ultimately make the right decision for us and will guide us to fostering if that is the way we are meant to go. Obviously if it doesn't feel right; we won't go there.

In the meantime, while waiting it out in the adoption pool, I will continue to focus on my creative goals. I want to do more freelance writing and am aiming to have a permanent stall this Summer selling my art. Although I occasionally look at other jobs out there, I have a sense that I'm meant to be in the job that I am in right now. My daughter was exhausted in the last three weeks of last term and I ended up having her home a lot. I'm lucky that my job for the most part works around that.

I have noted that creatively I have pretty much picked up from where I left off four and a half years ago - when we first TTC our second child and SIF was obvious early on. For the last four and half years even my writing has been focussed on SIF and not much else. So it feels good to be moving out of focusing on just that and to be reclaiming parts of myself that I have lost over the years - little things like humour entering my art indicate that a lightness is coming back into my life again.

I also have to be realistic around my energy levels and menopausal symptoms - to accept the fact that I would be very challenged going through sleepless nights all over again with a baby. Perhaps God knows this already and is giving me time to come to this awareness and to therefore accept it.

I think also that fairy-tale endings just aren't always the way things go. Just because I've been through all I have with SIF; it doesn't mean I will get to be a Mum again. Perhaps it just simply isn't God's Will for me. From the outside when people go through their own trials and tribulations, it is easy to say that one event happened to lead to another event. But it is not always so obvious why things happen in life - especially losses. Perhaps sometimes they just do happen - to make us stronger or more emotionally and spiritually resilient and that's all.

Turning Things Around

2011-04-07T14:58:00.012+12:00

After what has felt like a rather long SIF slump; it feels as though I am turning a corner. However after having living with the ups and downs of SIF for soooo long - I know that an "up" phase isn't necessarily the end of all the grief and pain that comes with SIF. It's more about being in a place of acceptance.

But I did try really hard to get myself out of what was a bit of a depression around this limbo-land state I am in around adding to our family. I talked to God a lot and had to question whether it was all even worth it - a life that seemed so badly tinged with pain. It scared me that the pain had somehow overshadowed the joy in my life and that I felt like this. I guess I have to get quite low before raising up again and it feels as though I have had many lows over the last few years. But I do learn from them - eventually.

I feel as though I am beginning to let go of my expectations around other people. For so long I have expected and assumed that people should and ought to meet my needs. The lonely experience of SIF has taught me that ultimately I only have myself and God to rely on. Because even my close friends haven't been able to support me completely throughout SIF because of tricky dynamics (completed families, primary vs secondary infertility) as well as a lack of understanding - I have not had a BFF to turn to in my time of need. Although I have thankfully met some great supportive friends in cyberspace - I haven't had anyone in real life to turn to - not regularly, at least.

This gap in support has made me strong and caused me to reassess relationships. I see relationships more as flowing interchanges between two people. I've learnt that sometimes exchanges, even between close friends, may not happen as frequently as I'd like. But that's okay. I've spent days, weeks and even months feeling emotionally isolated and unsupported within SIF. For so long that angered, depressed and even confused me. But this experience has taught me to just take people as they come and to accept what they are able to give. God is the only one who can fill a God-shaped hole afterall.

I have been turning more to God of late - and to less to the people around me. I am on Facebook less and somehow this is freeing up my relationships. For a while I thought if people couldn't connect with me around SIF - the biggest and most awful life experience I've been through to date - then I needed to find another way. Facebook became my way of keeping in touch with lots of people and although at times I have enjoyed the lightness of connecting in that way - it isn't real enough for me. So although I will use Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family around sharing photos and updates - I will endeavour not to use it to fill up the moments of loneliness that strike with SIF.

I think would even go as far as to say that because of SIF I no longer have a best friend. I have close and good friends - but no longer a friend in my life who understands me one hundred percent. That was a big loss to go through. But now I accept I have people around me who I mutually identify with in different ways. It seems I am destined to spend periods of time alone doing my own thing as so many friends are busy and live in a different town or country even. Perhaps this is what it is like as a 40-something woman - connections with friends are precious snippets of time that don't happen nearly often enough.

I am heading off to Wellington for a two-day conference for work tomorrow. I fly back Sunday night. I will be staying with my Mum and we're hoping to catch a movie and maybe go out for dinner on Saturday night. On Sunday night I'm having brunch with one of my close friends which I'm looking forward to.

I'm sure this is all one big ramble but the point I'm trying to make is, I am really noticing how sometimes people appear in our lives at the times they are meant to - not when we think we need them. Perhaps God wanted/wants me to experience SIF primarily on my own in order to be able to process things on a deep level spiritually and emotionally. Somehow seeing things like this has helped me let go of some of the resentments I've lived with for so long around some of the friends and family members who I felt disappointed me/let me down when I craved support and understanding with SIF.

I have also been thinking too that I shouldn't see life as a family of three as a bad thing if that's the way it ends up. I feel I have let go a little around another child coming into our family after realising that holding on so tight and for so long has caused me so much pain. I have even seen a job advertised that would interest me if we remain a family of three. It doesn't quite fit at the moment - but maybe in the future when my daughter is a year or two older I may increase my working hours if she's our only child.

I have also some creative stuff on the go - an article to write for a paper (unpaid) and paintings to paint for a stall I will be having at a Fair on Easter Sunday.

I also phoned up a clinic today in town that advertised appointments for women around menopause. I am living with many symptoms still that haven't professionally been addressed so it feels good to give that to myself - a whole half hour appointment to talk to a Dr who specializes in menopause about what I've been through/am going through. Ironically I went to the same clinic in 2004 when I was at the beginning of trying to conceive the first time round. It's like closure. Seven years of starting a family and then finally accepting that I won't be able to biologically finish our family.

Our social worker today phoned as well - after a month or so of playing phone tag. It was about permanency/long-term fostering. We ticked some boxes saying we were interested. So at some point we will go in for a chat about it. If it is something we want to pursue, we will have to go for another training day. I said to her on the phone that we would have to consider ages of the child if we went down that path - that toddlers for example wouldn't work with our daughter - a non-verbal child coming in and touching all her stuff right off the bat would not be good! Ideally a baby under six months - before it was mobile so our daughter got a chance to bond (before it started touching all her stuff!) or a child three or four years old would be the best fit.

I have been going for walks on the beach once or twice a week. Last week I followed tracks down the beach made by a buggy and it felt as though I was following God. Yesterday I followed the footsteps of a child down the beach that gave me so much hope. Both times I really felt God's presence.

Grieving in reverse

2011-04-01T15:12:00.020+13:00

After I wrote my last post I ended up on the bathroom floor in tears begging God to take away this desire for another child if it's not meant to be. It was the first time in 4.5 years that I have actually resorted to going on to my knees. I truly hope this results in God answering my prayers sometime soon. I'm just not sure it is good for me, my family or the relationships around me for me to be in limbo in the long-term.

I have been thinking how living with SIF/hoping to add to our family again in the long-term is like your average grief turned on it's head. In other words - it is grief in reverse. Most forms of grief - death, the end of relationships, job redundancy - you name it - have an obvious end. There may be a process to go through with most major losses in life - but most of those processes occur in a fashion which leads to a clear ending. With SIF - with hoping to be a mother for so long - it feels as though I have been grieving for the end before the end is a sure thing. Of course the whole thing has so many layers to it all - I will probably be dealing with all the issues that come with early menopause for a while yet as well as the grief of not being able to conceive again. But I cannot completely grieve for the whole thing - early menopause/SIF/ and not being able to add to our family as I don't know yet if we will be able to add to our family. I cannot sell or giveaway all our baby, toddler and early childhood stuff until I know we won't be needing it. It is all so - unresolved.

Anyway, since my meltdown last Sunday night I have been making a real effort to connect more with God on a daily basis. I've been going for walks on the beach alone, listening to music that I find spiritually uplifting and just trying to find space and time to just be so I can centre myself and find peace. I appreciate that I am probably in another depression. Perhaps it is time to get some more counselling - if so, that would be the fifth go at counselling in 4.5 years...

It seems SIF is just beneath the surface most days. I may not always actively be thinking about it but my hormones certainly remind me of it as I continue to go through "the change." I have changed spiritually, emotionally and physically because of early menopause and this has meant adjustments in my daily living. This change has equated to lifestyle changes which at times make me feel so old - especially because my eggs are all dried up and no use now. I am still a WIP in accepting I went through this major hormonal change in my life so much earlier than my peers. I still feel in shock that this hiccup (a rather big one!) came along and I somehow haven't been able to completely find my footing since.

I have been signing into RESOLVE recently. There is a good adoption group there - it's great to meet other women who have either been through the adoption process and have adopted or are waiting and hoping to adopt like me. DAILYSTRENGTH was great for three years but the adoption group wasn't that active and I outgrew the SIF community in the end as that community was about women TTC/going through fertility treatments to have their second children and didn't really cater for those who were looking at other ways of adding to their families.

I found a website for prospective adoptive and adoptive parents in New Zealand - but there only seem to be five members at this stage so perhaps it's new. Not sure. I will check in again sometime and will have a proper look around.

My daughter has been asking a lot about a baby coming into our family. Sometimes I think she would find it hard given she needs a lot of downtime with her ASD. But she said she'd like a little sister for company - to have a friend. I know she gets lonely sometimes. She seems to understand we are waiting for a baby and that it might not happen. But she likes to have rather in-depth conversations about what life would be like with a baby in the house. I wish we could have a conclusion for her too in the near future - it doesn't feel like we can settle properly as a family when there is a talk of a possible addition who may end up just being that - all talk.

I have found Facebook a hard place to be of late. When pregnancy symptoms are mentioned it is just too much, I"m afraid. As it is many completed families regularly display photos of their children, which is okay, but I cannot always comment on these photos as I cannot be part of conversations in which several Mums of Two or more start talking about their children. I just feel like the odd one out. Once again. But I do so genuinely love to see photos of the children and families of my good online friends who went through SIF and eventually added to their families. It's inspiring and gives me hope.

There are some former online SIF friends (on Facebook) I think I have recently let go of as it was all about their families - and updates and no connection with me. I know that sounds so terribly selfish and bitter but I didn't feel supported and therefore it didn't feel right being in touch with these women when I am still struggling/still not close to a resolution around completing my family.

Relationships can be hard as it is - add secondary infertility to the mix and it's no wonder SIF becomes a subject most don't want to broach because of all the complexities that come with it (as in what to say/not what to say). I know how it must seem from the outside. But still. I find it hard living with an ongoing loss so intensely, in the long-term and for the most part not having it acknowledged by those who are meant to either understand and/or love me. If I had cancer surely friends and family would acknowledge I had it - that I was ill? I have a disease with SIF. It still hurts that I feel I have to limit my social interactions because of self-preservations reasons, mainly. I did however have a great chat with a Mum of three recently who was open to hearing about the adoption process. I was okay hearing about her three children - I think it is different when the children are older than my daughter. But for the most part even the few that know about our adoption plans don't ask and I do feel quite lonely because of that. It seems it is assumed that because we are at this stage that we are all done and dusted with SIF - that we are casually waiting to add to our family in the prospective adoptive pool.

It seems there is always something going on with me around daily/weekly around:
1. Getting triggered around seeing a bump/baby/siblings/Mums with completed families

2. The unknowingness around whether or not we will get picked as adoptive parents

3. My grief around early menopause and my"broken" reproductive system

I just want to feel normal again - not like this person who walks around with a big gaping hole who feels so displaced in life.

I missed our social workers call again. I guess we will catch up in God's time. She said it was "nothing urgent."

It doesn't feel as if anything will happen this year for us on the adoption front. I'm off to Wellington for work next this weekend. I'm still busy with my part-time job. I know that's where I'm meant to be right now yet sometimes I am not so keen on God's Will! I have volunteered on a very small scale to help out at my daughter's school Gala this Sunday - just serving hot chips. When I went to one of the meetings about the Gala it was filled with stay at home Mums with two or three or even more children. I know they'd like me to help more but I am doing all I can given my schedule. I wish I was like them - that I was just at home with my kids - with my completed family - but it's not the way it is.

I feel as though I haven't written a "positive" update for a while. Sorry about that. Guess I am going through another SIF slump. Better days have to be ahead. In the meantime I will keep close to God and will continue to pray for healing and acceptance.

In emotional turmoil

2011-03-27T18:46:00.006+13:00

I'm in a bad place. Every now and then SIF and living in limbo land around my hopes to add to my family get the better of me. This desire to mother another child is something that is with me day in, day out. Even on my "good days" it is a longing that sits within me. On my bad days - which seem to vary on just how bad they actually are - I am practically consumed by my hunger for another child.

For whatever reason, I seem to be going through a bad patch with it all right now. There are some things going on around it all. It seems I need to lay my cards out on the table right now in the hope of finding some peace of mind.

I guess with my daughter turning six recently I just have this angst around time running out for us to add to our family. Only another year to go in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. It doesn't seem long. Even though I have been thinking and talking about fostering as our essential Plan C (a biological child being Plan A and an adoptive child being Plan B); I am not sure at this point in time if that is God's Will for us.

The older my daughter gets, the more intense her meltdowns. It is often the case that children with autism have aggressive meltdowns at home; particularly when going to school. We have had two meltdowns in our household in the past week. I was left with scratches down my front from one. Quite frankly I get scared when home alone with my daughter when these meltdowns occur. Even though I have been advised by a behavioural specialist to put her in her room once the aggressive behaviour starts; sometimes I can't get her in there and she takes it all out on me. A friend even suggested that I do some self-defense lessons which I'm seriously thinking of doing.

I worry about the future - as my daughter gets bigger the meltdowns will probably intensify. If I'm struggling now, how will I cope five years from now?

Upon considering fostering as a Plan C option - just in conversations with my husband - I am just not sure if our home-life is stable enough to nurture another child with a highly functioning autistic daughter. Obviously with fostering the idea is to offer a loving home and I fear my daughter could reject a child and if that happened; life would be rough for the foster child. I have to be real about it. It just hurts that if adoption fails - that fostering - our last possible option - and by no means a certain option - may not be viable.

I know I don't yet know what God's plan is for us. That there are no doubt many more days, weeks, months to go before my wish to complete our family occurs. I'm running out of patience, that's all!

I have even been looking online at embryo donations. I can't find much information about it in New Zealand. But I did find this clip http://www.3news.co.nz/Frozen-in-time/tabid/371/articleID/188893/Default.aspx which is pretty inspiring. It's not something I can see us doing but if somebody offered us an embryo or eggs - er, yes, I would consider it.

I feel desperate. I feel as though I'm just a year or two into SIF - not four and a half years into it. I feel like I should be way more healed and accepting of my situation - but I'm not. I have no-one to talk to about this. It is old, old news out there and everyone naturally assumes I'm over it - because I don't talk about. But what am I meant to say. "By the way, waiting in the prospective parents adoptive pool kind of sucks!" Many people don't even know we are waiting. I've only disclosed this to family and some friends - not even all of them. In fact, many people in my everyday life - people I see weekly at the gym and at work and at my daughter's school don't know!! And it's this big part of me - still. A big part of me that grieves and longs and hopes for another shot at motherhood. Yet somehow it is something I am suffering in silence, once again.

So today I posted a journal update in RESOLVE. I have recognised that I do need support from women in the same boat. There is a good adoption community there. I need to connect with women waiting and hoping to adopt - and to also hear from women who have adopted. Because at the moment I don't know anyone going through this and it makes me feel incredibly alone.

Writing this, it is not surprising to see why I feel depressed. Quite badly so. On the brink of tears with no-one to turn to. I also know I haven't been treating myself well lately with late nights, too much junk food and drinking - not even much drinking, but for me just a couple of drinks is not good for my emotional state when going through big stuff like I am right now. So I went to bed early last night and started re-reading a book I bought last year called "Mind Over Menopause." I do suspect that my hormones are also once again out of whack which doesn't help my perspective. I'm trying hard to be kind to me.

My husband's work is also going through a rough patch - as in there isn't much work coming in - which is worrying. I am completely uninspired in my own job right now. And I feel so awful that I've been a bit emotionally unavailable to my daughter this weekend with way too much crap going on in my head.

Most of all I feel quite disillusioned about life. I know it's not a fairy tale but I feel I have lost the ability to be happy and I used to know how to live life serenely - one day at a time. My dreams and aspirations seem to be on hold in lots of areas and I don't know how to move forward. But it seems all I can do for now is to take care of me - to self-nurture (as it's called in the book I am reading). And to pray. I have been doing some of that this weekend. I even prayed to God yesterday and asked him to take away my desire for another child if it isn't his will. I told him it's coming up to five years of waiting in a few months and I can't do this much longer - I want to be set free and to be happy if God doesn't want me to parent another child. Of course I feel all angry and bitter at the thought of that and wonder why God doesn't want me to parent another child. Clearly I'm not all that great in his eyes if motherhood for the second time isn't on the cards for me.

My daughter is having a school gala next weekend and I've been clearing out some stuff to donate. I've included a couple of pregnancy books - books I obviously referred to when I was pregnant. I just feel so, so sad that I won't get to do that again - carry another child. I just loved being pregnant. It was one of the most amazing times in my life. I almost shed a tear when I showed my daughter the photos of a glowing woman as she progressed through her pregnancy. In fact those images have been partly responsible I'm sure for my shaky emotions this weekend.

My grief is two-fold, I suppose. There is the grief around not being able to conceive and therefore experience pregnancy and childbirth. But there is also the grief that I may not get to mother another child again. It's intense at times. I just crave some lightness in my life again. I pray to God for relief from this emotional pain.

A Life On Hold

2011-03-24T12:32:00.010+13:00

I have just tried to call our Social Worker at Adoption Services again. She phoned a couple of weeks ago to have a talk about permanency (long-term fostering). I've left a few messages but she hasn't phoned me back yet. I guess we will connect when we are meant to.

I have been feeling quite unsettled about SIF and our incomplete family for a few months now. Not depressed, even though that grief and longing to mother another child is still so very strong. More like unsettled with living with the unknown, once again. I have had some patches or phases even within this four-and-a-half-year era of limbo-land of feeling okay with it all. I've dug deep to work through some of the emotional and spiritual lessons that SIF has brought to me. But for the most part, I have spent four and a half years feeling like not only is my life on hold - a big part of me is on hold.

It is almost too hard to explain how I feel - how my incompleteness as a mother and the unknowingness as to whether or not we will adopt, affects my sense of self and therefore my serenity. I know it should all come from within - that my happiness and completeness should not be about how many children I have. But somehow it is connected to that. Hmmm.

I just feel stuck. Still. It's like I do have some dreams and aspirations that are separate to motherhood for the second time - but I can't seem to make those things happen until my family life is sorted out. It's very frustrating. I guess I can't truly carry on with the rest of my life until I know, until I have a conclusion around this ever-lingering question of whether or not another child will come into our lives.

In the meantime, more babies are born and more bellies are growing out there. I get news regularly around so-and-so expecting and so-and-so's baby arriving. People who know about my SIF still for the most part remain inconsiderate. Not on purpose, I'm sure. I guess they don't know how to share baby news with me appropriately - or are afraid of getting it wrong. There is no right way to tell an infertile woman about a pregnancy or a birth. There just isn't. All I know is those who have been thoughtful, who have taken the time to acknowledge it is always hard news to hear, have tried their very best to soften the blow - and I'm always grateful when people are that considerate.

Fostering has been on my mind the last few weeks. I guess we wait our year out in the prospective adoptive pool - see what happens by April 2012 - and if nothing happens, then perhaps fostering will become our next option. It feels as though we are meant to have somebody join our family, somehow. I have even offered to care for my half-sister in the upcoming school holidays as she may need a break from some family stresses. She is nine years old. I know my husband and I would be good foster parents. I'm just not sure it is the right thing for our six year old autistic daughter, however.

I have had a few compliments lately around my management of children which is nice. I helped out at our daughters swim safety morning last week and was in the pool with a group of children. A Mum commented how good I was with the kids - reading them individually and not pushing the ones who had less confidence. I also hosted our daughter's sixth birthday party on Sunday. We had nine children here all up and most parents dropped their kids off so I ended up with a line of kids following me around as I organised activities for them all. I do like small groups of children together having a good time - not a classroom full though - that is too many for me. But under 10 kids seems to be a nice size.

I was all amped up to get a second job but am not sure that is the right thing to do right now. I'm okay doing something from home but another job out of the home could complicate life more and life already feels complicated. I want to live a simple life and with working part-time and my commitment to three local non-profit organisations plus motherhood and the ASD side of things - I feel as though life is very structured week to week. I do miss the days of being a fulltime at home Mum. I loved those days of going for strolls and having no set agenda for the day. Perhaps my desire to be a Mum for the second time is partly connected to the lifestyle - as well as the joy of raising another child.

Our daughter is growing up fast. She is now six years old with two missing front teeth. She is making new friends at school this year and becoming more independent. There are still lots of challenges on the ASD side of things. I was proud at how well she did at her birthday party too with eight little friends here for three hours. Also I allowed her to invite any friends she wanted from school so as a consequence had four children come round that haven't been here before - and they all had siblings. I realised when I met the siblings as they came to drop off their sisters or brother (there was just one boy at the party!) with their parents that I must have progressed somewhat with SIF as I was able to ask the names of the siblings - there were three lots of three year olds as well as talk to the Mothers of Two and Three about their children and their different personalities. (Which is something incidentally I always wanted - to witness differences between my two biological children).

I guess when life feels uncertain and Gods plans remain unclear, all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to live One Day At A Time. It seems the answer as to what is next if another child doesn't come into our family isn't here yet. It is still a time of waiting and not second-guessing what God has in store for us. It's just the way it is.

SIF and relationships

2011-03-11T15:54:00.024+13:00

It has been another week of feeling triggered on the SIF front. I hate that. I wish I didn't get triggered - I really wish that somehow four and a half years of SIF equated to immunity from all the stuff internally and externally that can set me off. But, no. Although I'm perhaps moving into long-term status as far as SIF goes - most likely going to make it to five years of wanting another addition to our family this September... I can feel as raw as I did all those years ago when we first TTC and my infertility issues were apparent.

Sometimes I feel as though I am really making progress with SIF. I play with a friends second child and think "I can do this." Then a couple of days later someone from the very IF support I started tells me how much her first-born is enjoying the addition of twins to her family and my SIF wounds are wide open. I am happy for this Mum of Three. She did afterall, add to her family via an alternative method and it was not an easy road. But her babies are here. They are real. My second child is still very much in my dreams and in my head...

A couple of days ago our social worker left a message wanting to talk to us about an option we ticked on our paperwork - basically to do with permanent fostering (I'm pretty sure). So I will call her sometime next week about that. It is another option for us - but one both my husband and I are a little wary of. As much I'd love to snap any child up - any age, race, sex etc - I know fostering is very different to adoption and not necessarily the right thing for us. But, I will keep an open mind. I will explore that option. But every option involves a grief of the original dream. Another biological child won't happen for us - and perhaps an adopted child won't either. Fostering is a whole different ball-game and a lot of thought and consideration will have to go into that option.

Our daughter did say to us the other day "Why do you want another baby? I don't!" which was funny at the time. I asked her why she didn't and said "Because it would chew on all my things!" We had a one year old stay with us for four days over the Christmas period and our daughter was not impressed with all the chewing and touching he did. No doubt if another child joins our family various rooms will be shut in the house while our daughter attempts to get l some persona space as this is what she does with the kitten at the moment when she wants a feline time-out.

Today our little family had a day off - a mid-term break in a sense. I had a day off anyway and my husband didn't have any work and I decided our daughter also needed a break from school. So we pottered around this morning and then spent the afternoon in town - to McDonalds for lunch and then a wee look around the shops. It was really nice. I bumped into two friends out with their second children. Friends I don't see much - because they have second children.

I have been thinking a bit lately about friendships and who I am in contact with in my life at the moment. I have some good friends here in Nelson who I can have good heart to heart conversations with. Interesting though that none of those friends have more than one child - they either have grown children, one child - or no children. They are good friends but possibly not forever friends. My three forever friends live outside of Nelson and distance and busy lives means we aren't in contact in a good quality kind of a way very often. I have IF contacts here in Nelson - most are going through primary infertility so I cannot go there completely around secondary infertility as in their eyes I have the child they are all dreaming of. We connect, but there is a careful dance we do that bridges the gap between infertility and secondary infertility.

Although it was the right thing for me to do, to move on from my main SIF online support group (Dailystrength) of three years at the end of last year; it has left a big hole in my emotional life around SIF. I am grateful for the four friends that I met through Dailystrength that I have kept in touch with through Facebook that I can send my blog links too. Three of them have achieved their dreams of adding to their families after years of SIF in three different ways and they are all an inspiration to me. The other friend whose pain no doubt echoes mine while she too attempts to move on the dream of another biological child, is a very special friend from across the miles too. I still belong to RESOLVE and although I haven't been in there for a long time; I may have to consider going into the adoption boards just to have some contact with those in the same boat.

I have just one friend with two children that I see regularly as our daughters are best friends and we used to be neighbours. I can honestly say that I love her second daughter who is the same age - turning four this year - as what our unborn child would have been. Sometimes it is healing having exchanges with this little girl - other times heartbreaking. We have a bond. She is coming to our daughter's sixth birthday party next weekend and we often say she's "like a little sister" to our daughter.

It saddens me that four and a half years of living with a broken dream has affected so many of my relationships. There are some relationships where SIF doesn't come into it - with either work colleagues or friends and family who I don't have deep emotional connections with. But many - I would say most, even - of the people in my circle do know about my SIF as I have tried to be as open as possible about it. This openness varies of course which complicates my interactions with people at times. It can be a selfish condition to have at times (secondary infertility) because when I am triggered I often need a lot of distance from the triggers in my life so this can mean interactions with friends with more than one child can be awkward as I attempt to apply self-preservation.

This ongoing need to apply self-preservation has meant a subtle - and sometimes not so subtle dent to many of my female friendships. I met a lot of mothers when my daughter was born and socialised with them within Mummy circles right up until our daughter was about three and then started backing off as it was at this point that the true extent of my infertility was revealed. I simply found it way too hard to be around groups of women rearing their second or third and fourth-born children. I can be in touch from time to time with some of the women from this era - but for the most part have to keep a wide berth as one sighting of two siblings can send me into a tailspin for a couple of days.

When friendships have topics that need to be edited; they become strained, on a small or large scale. That is simply the way it is. I hate the fact that things could remain this way for years to come - maybe one day the strain will be too much and I will in fact lose some of my treasured friendships with Mums of more than one child because I am not able to overcome my SIF pain. But I have to be true to myself and I do know I am doing everything in my power to carry on with life and to not let SIF get the better of me.

But while we remain the pool of prospective adoptive parents we are in limbo and I am not good with limbo - especially 4.5 years of it! I don't want to be bitter, angry, jealous or jaded - but I am. I still have days when I want to cry to God that it's not fair. Today is one of those. With my daughter turning six in a weeks time I am reminded of another year of my daughter growing up without the sibling I'd hoped she'd have by now. This is major trigger time for someone with SIF - the birthday of the first and only child. Along with Mothers Day and Christmas, birthdays which are meant to be reasons to celebrate, can be bittersweet. When a dream is only half realised - that is, one child came along- but not the second child - there is joy and pain all at once. My gratitude for the child I have is very deep and motherhood is not something I take for granted. Yet this gratitude does not rule out the longing for the second child I had hoped for.

I am afraid that this SIF pain will be a part of me forever - that a part of me will always be broken. I only need to look to the recent quake here in New Zealand to bear witness to the fact that heartbreak and devastation are part of human life. We are emotional creatures with attachments and dreams - we all want our corner of our world to be "just so" and can get our feathers ruffled when things don't go our way. I know life isn't perfect for anyone - even for those who have what I want. I'm not naive.

Perhaps five years from now, when we have our conclusion - either by remaining as we are today, adding to our family via adoption or becoming foster parents - I will have a better perspective. But I don't have that perspective yet. Some days, weeks or even months other focuses in life distract me and it doesn't feel so huge (SIF). But for the most part SIF lives with me each and every day. The truth is I am triggered to varying degrees on a daily basis. I just don't know how to share that with friends who are Mums with more than one child. It is a hard thing to describe and understand; SIF. The less I talk the more friends and family assume I am over it and I'm not -I'm just choosing to speak about it less (mainly in an attempt to carry on with my life) and the bottled up silences cause me pain. I don't like feeling isolated but I do a lot of the time around this part of my life which of course is a big part of who I am and where I'm at. I know I need to go and pray and talk to God for a bit and maybe shed some tears with Him - I will go for a walk alone tonight to allow myself the time and space to do that.

Baby cravings 4.5 years on

2011-03-06T14:44:00.004+13:00

My daughter will be six in two weeks time. That means we have now been hoping to add to our family for 4.5 years! - as we started TTC when she was 18 months old. It seems like it's been a very, very long period of time. The desire to have and hold another baby again has never diminished, despite the different seasons of SIF over the years.

Yesterday we had a family swim after our daughter's swimming lesson and we sighted three babies. It is still not foreign to me to want to scoop a baby up and assume baby-care behaviour whenever I see a baby. I'm probably not explaining it well - but sometimes I hear mothers with completed families comment that they cannot imagine going back to the baby years or that they have forgotten what it was like to handle a baby. Not me. Perhaps because we had an unsettled baby and then child (and still do at times) for so many years; I don't find it hard to remember. I suspect there is a part of me that has been just waiting/hanging out for the opportunity to do it all over again. Well, I know there is part of me that wants to do that again. Obviously I have never felt as though I was done and dusted with any aspect of raising a child - I still want to do it again - the baby years, toddler years. preschool years - all of it!

A Mum of Two complained to me this week that looking after her two kids was like groundhog day. Yes, she knows about my SIF. And I get it. Any aspect of life can be mundane. But looking after children - I have never thought that was boring or that I wanted to do something else with my time. I guess I have known for years that I was lucky and blessed to have my daughter - never took motherhood for granted as I suspected somehow - before I knew I was infertile - that she was a very special gift. Of course I get frustrated and tired and challenged like any other mother at times - I also have bad days. But I have never lost sight of how precious a gift it is to raise a child. Never. So I feel like giving Mums a back-handed slap when I hear them grizzling about the two kids (or more) they have in their care. Obviously I am not the woman to whinge to...

I'm on the look-out for a second job that will fit around family life - a second job that will put some money in the bank for travelling to see family that live out of town. It will only be a few hours a week. I have been quite flat in my part-time job of late - there are many challenges there - but I guess I will hang in there for the year while quietly keeping an eye out for other options.

I'm trying to be positive about where things are at in life right now - to think that even though we are in limbo family-wise as we sit in the pool for prospective adoptive parents; we can move forward in other ways. The truth is the hours I work suit family life and my daughter's first years in school. But in a couple of years time perhaps I will look at increasing my work hours if we remain a family of three. But I've had to create some goals for myself once again - as I've had to several times over the years with SIF - so I feel like life is still moving forward. So I'm having a stall in a local market at Easter time which will inspire me to do some more painting. I'm also allocating Friday's to working on my art - writing and painting - and am aiming to give freelance writing a go this year.

I probably sound like I am all over the place and I am a little bit. Still a bit shaken post-earthquake here in New Zealand. Even though it wasn't something I felt or was directly affected by it has affected as nationally as a country big-time. It is the first disaster we have had in this country that has resulted in a national state of emergency. It's big. And I know it's a time of feeling grateful for what we have in life - and I do...but at the same time, I feel my SIF wounds are wide open as it only reinforces what I've always believed and felt - that life is about family and the relationships we make. Who gives a shit about all that material stuff. Not me. Our family still feels incomplete. I cannot shake the feeling - no matter what angle I look at things from.

Still living in limbo

2011-02-25T14:11:00.004+13:00

I got back on Monday night after an absolutely fantastic time in Sydney. It was quite the adventure jumping the ditch for a weekend - without my husband and child. It was great in so many ways. I'm still processing aspects of the trip as it helped bring the last 4.5 years (of hoping for another child) in perspective. The day after I got back (Tuesday) Christchurch, a city approximately just five hours drive away from where we live, got hit by a massive destructive earthquake that has destroyed buildings and lives - all Kiwis (New Zealanders) are reeling from this right now.

Going away to another country for a couple of days - even if was "just Australia" was a reminder of who I used to be pre-marriage and pre-motherhood - the somewhat unsettled and adventurous person I used to be. It was nice to feel mostly at peace with my life as it stands today - I say mostly as it's not a perfect life - and I certainly don't expect that it will ever be.

I have been reminded twice this week just how vulnerable I am still around SIF. I had two encounters with two pregnant women this week and got triggered by both women. The first woman is a Mum whose son is in the same class as my daughter's. I asked her how she was and she said she wasn't too well - because she was pregnant. She said "Can't you tell?" and pointed at her stomach. The truth is she has a round belly at the best of times and I didn't really consider that she would be pregnant - especially as far as I knew - she was a single Mum... Anyway she proceeded to tell me how unwanted this baby was and how she couldn't terminate it - but she was giving it a life. I do not know the woman well so have never mentioned SIF. There was a part of me that wondered if she was giving this baby up for adoption. But I didn't go there. The woman has actually been around to our house before with her son for a play-date which turned to custard. The vibe I've always gotten is that this woman has issues and certainly isn't someone I'd want to befriend so I haven't encouraged any further play-dates - my daughter isn't interested anyway.

But I got triggered in several ways - in the sense obviously that this woman had obviously accidentally got pregnant and seemed to have no attachment whatsoever to her unborn child. The second way I was triggered was around birth Mums. Don't get me wrong - I admire women so much who make the very brave decision to "give up their child" for adoption. Yet I know - from a non-judgmental perspective (just a real one) - that many birth Mums/birth families come with issues. If this woman is planning to adopt - and I have no idea if she is or isn't - the thought of her being a potential birth Mum freaked me out a bit.

All the families I've talked to online or locally who have adopted all say the same thing - that somehow you do just click with a birth family if and when picked as adoptive parents. I know of one adoptive Mum who walked away from an adoption because it didn't feel right. I think this interaction with this woman pregnant with an unwanted child reminded me of the fact that even if we get picked as adoptive parents - it might not be the right fit - especially because we have opted for an open adoption and would have contact with the birth family.

Then last night a friend phoned to say she's 12 weeks pregnant with her (wait for it!)...fifth child!! She is such a sweetheart and she had also phoned about something else - she was also open about the fact that it wasn't a planned pregnancy and that "we're still trying to get our heads around it!" to which I joked "I remember you saying that last time!" - when she was pregnant with their fourth child. They are a lovely Christian family who do a heap of work for the church and deserve to be blessed several times over with all these lovely children.

But there is a part of me that feels that it is so unfair - that I had to be exposed to two lots of women this week questioning their pregnancies when I have been waiting and trying for 4.5 years to add to our family. I want to move on from it all - SIF - but it seems until the door is really closed - I will not really be able to. I'm going to have to put up with the odd trigger here and there and the underlying hope for another child at least as long as we are in the pool for prospective adoptive parents.

After going to Sydney for a weekend I was reminded of the adventurous me who used to travel a lot. I guess in time if it turns out that we remain a family of one; then I will embrace that side of myself again and will encourage some more family adventures now that our daughter is almost six years old.

I still feel in limbo - stuck in my job really until we know either way what is happening adoption-wise. There isn't much work out there right now but I will probably just hang in there with my job until we step out of the adoption pool, if we never get picked as adoptive parents. I wouldn't want to work any more hours than I do right now with a second child and there is the possibility that I will keep this job if we become adoptive parents and will take some maternity leave initially.

If we remain a family of one then I will probably increase my work hours within the next couple of years and start saving/planning for family trips - more trips that we might have had/or could have with two children. I am still partly annoyed - while somehow accepting my fate - that should a child come to us, we will have to start all over again in some respects - that the gap will be so big - 6/7 years between kids. At the same time, I know we would need to allow time to settle/regroup as a family of four - should it happen and that it would also be an exciting time! (if an adoption happened).

I know change is coming soon. I've had a busy two/three months and will be back to my regular work hours next week with two days off a week so I can really start the ball rolling this year with my writing and art.

In the meantime, as I find a way to live in limbo family-wise while continuing life as best as I can; I am reminded as my fellow country-men face their unbearable and unexpected grief just how fast life can change in an instant and even if life is imperfect at times and dreams aren't always realised - it is still the one and only life we have.

Everything finally done with the adoption process

2011-02-17T13:53:00.002+13:00

I dropped off the last bits of paperwork for our file this morning to go with our profile. One bit of paperwork was to do with the kinds of families/children we were open to adopting - the other form was a summary sheet of our profile. I also amended two pages from our profile that made reference to our late cat and altered them to mention our new kitten.

I have wanted to tidy up these loose ends adoption-wise for a few weeks now but the last two months have been pretty busy. First we had a good month of visitors in town this Summer, then we had some big regression with our daughter on the autistic front and then I got very busy at work...so it did feel good to drop that paperwork off knowing that there is nothing else to do now as far as the adoption process goes.

I have still been feeling a bit raw and somewhat triggered SIF-wise for a few months now. Even though it is a brand new year and I am doing my best to carry on with life as it stands today - the longing/the desire is still there. There is a bit of vulnerability that comes with being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents too. I'm not sure I will forget we are in it (the pool) over the next fourteen months or so. We will be in the pool until April 2012 which doesn't seem far away. We've officially been in the pool almost three months and not a peep. My worst fear is that we may not ever hear a peep/have any interest in our profile. Yet I know if that happens; it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, it is partly for this reason - this feeling that I am still waiting and as a consequence not yet able to completely shut the door on SIF that I accepted my mother's generous offer of a trip to Sydney this weekend for my sister's 40th. I feel I just need to take the plunge/have fun in other areas of my life. So I am very much looking forward to three child-free and husband-free nights in Sydney this weekend! It is also in the back of my mind that if we did get picked as adoptive parents then a trip like this would be off the menu for quite some time. So seize the day and all that.

I am having to apply a lot of self-preservation right now. Every Summer seems to bring another influx of babies and bumps. My "baby" turns six in four weeks! I guess every year she gets older, there is a greater distance between the dream I wanted - to have a biological sibling for her - and how life turned out. Just today as I looked for a bag to pack my things in for Aussie, I saw all our old baby gear and toddler gear sitting in the garage. I do look forward to the day when I know what is happening with us for sure - when our family is deemed complete - as we are - or with another child.

Work has been very stressful with a lot of pressure of late - so it hasn't helped my SIF woes to be in a part-time job that I am challenged in a lot of the time. I know once I get back from Sydney and school has been back for a couple of weeks that I will have regular free time and will be able to have the weekly creative slots for writing and art that I want to set up.

I haven't been well over the last couple of weeks and know a lot of it is stress-related. It will be good to get away to Sydney on my own - I will have a lot of time to think and reflect on the way there - before having a girlie weekend with my sister. I so want 2011 to be a positive one. I want to get to the end of a year and think that it was about more than broken dreams. It is coming up to four and a half years of hoping to add to our family - such a big block of time and I am well over it in a lot of ways.

Feeling triggered

2011-02-05T15:53:00.005+13:00

I'm feeling a bit triggered on the SIF front for a whole lot of reasons. It seems each year I heal a little more from SIF - but the grief resurfaces sometimes and nips me in the butt. It seems SIF will be with me for the rest of my life in some form - it may lay dormant and forgotten hopefully in the future but will probably always flare up from time to time.

With the start of school this week I was exposed to several bumps - mothers of two or three expecting their second or third children. After six weeks of school holidays I had had a welcome break from such sightings. Some friends on Facebook have revealed they are pregnant with their second and third children over the last month or two. Not good friends - as in just friends I have a Facebook relationship with. One even had a photo revealing her bump - as in skin and all. I felt a bit hurt by that. This is someone who did know about my SIF. Even if we're not in contact on a one-to-one basis - it still stung that someone did the bump reveal knowing I might see that pic. Yep; it is very easy to take SIF personally...

Although at the time I was ready to leave Dailystrength last year and hence my online SIF support group of three years - there is still a gap. Leaving Dailystrength was about opening my life up to other things - other than SIF. An attempt at moving on. And although I'm in contact (also by Facebook) with a handful of friends from Dailystrength who went through SIF as well - I have lost my connection with some of them as they are now Mums of Two or Three. Don't get me wrong - I am so, so happy for them. And the ones that added to their families by going down an alternative path went through so, so much. I was there with them as they made their decisions - and waited - and then were blessed. So I am rapt for them - so, so happy for them.

Yet there is a part of me that feels as though I have been shoved aside. Not by the women themselves - but by life and how things have panned out. What if I am the one who went through SIF and adoption doesn't happen for us? I fear it won't. Some days I'm fine with what will be, will be. But right now - nope, I want it to work. I want to have gone through over four years of hoping to add to our family (actually, it's about four and a half years now) - to have tried to conceive naturally, to have turned to alternative methods, to have tried low-key fertility treatments, to have endured an operation, to have had to accept and face that I went through early menopause, to have moved so slowly through the adoption process in order to make sure it was the right decision for us - to get a result - to get a baby.

Life is still in limbo somewhat. Even though I have declared that 2011 is going to be a moving on year for me - I still wonder, wait - and crave this little person I've been waiting such a long time for.

I know there will be better days again. That I am feeling raw because families of two and more seem to be everywhere again - plastered all over Facebook, at my daughter's school and just well - everywhere. It's not like the alternative - being a part-time working Mum has been all that great because that in itself is a big juggle and sometimes a struggle week to week.

I know I may need to have some space from the places I am feeling triggered right now. Perhaps I ought to log on to Facebook a little less. I still have a wee part of our profile to alter now that we've got a new family pet - and the final paperwork to hand it to Adoption Services. It will be good to tidy that all up so I will try to get that done soon.

I'm off to Sydney for a weekend soon - for my sister's 40th. I was so, so excited for a couple of days about it. And obviously couldn't do such a trip if I had another child to look after. With our daughter and her ASD; I think it would be hard to leave her and a sibling behind. So I feel lucky and fortunate to be able to go on such a trip. But today - I feel sad and mad - and my SIF grief is up there. Sometimes the rawness of it all gets to me as it feels as though I haven't progressed. I know I have though and that where I'm at today is just part of the healing.

Trying to move on (from SIF)

2011-01-27T08:29:00.005+13:00

There is still another week of the Summer school holidays here in New Zealand. It has been a busy six weeks - we've had lots of visitors from out of the region, our cat died, we got a new kitten and our daughter has regressed considerably this Summer with her autism. I also started back at work this week. Although I only work part-time (12 hours paid); life feels pretty hectic working and managing my daughter's ASD.

It was just over 10 days ago that we decided to adopt a kitten from the SPCA. It seemed like a good time to do it - our cat had died, it was the school holidays and our daughter is almost six - so a good age to take on (some of) the care of a kitten. She picked a ginger kitten out of a litter of kittens and has called him Buzz. He is one fiesty kitten with lots of spirit providing us with lots of laughs - but he is a bit wild (naturally) at times too.

Frequently my daughter needs space from the kitten - as she does from any long-term visitors that stay with us. I have half-joked with my husband that should we get the opportunity to adopt; then life would be quite similar to what it is now with a new kitten in the house. My husband commented that it would probably be a lot more intense (life) with a baby (than a kitten) - of course he's right.

In fact after having a one year old stay with us recently for four nights that our daughter struggled greatly with - and now a kitten whose erratic behaviour we obviously can't control - I do wonder just how we would cope at times with a human addition to the family. With an increase in aggressive behaviour on my daughter's part; I do worry about our future should we become adoptive parents. Yet I know no family is perfect. After going through SIF I have accepted that well and truly. I guess if we don't get picked by a birth family over the next year and a half (our time in the pool for prospective adoptive parents) then I will accept that perhaps we are just meant to be a family of three.

I haven't had a lot of time to think and reflect lately as it has been a busy Summer with visitors and an intense phase ASD-wise with my daughter. But adopting a kitten just a week after the loss of our cat has given me a taste of how it would probably feel to become an adoptive parent. Because we are still grieving our cat; we were by no means looking for a replacement pet. However the timing seemed right to get a kitten so we have welcomed this tiny fiery ball of fluff into our lives at a time when we are still feeling the loss of the cat I had for 11 years. I know for sure that adoption will not cancel out the pain of SIF. I know an addition to the family of the human kind would bring so much joy and love - but it will not wipe away or fix my SIF pain. Just like this kitten cannot fix the grief we have all felt for our cat. We have a pet again - but in some ways the kitten being here is a reminder of the cat we lost. I'm pretty sure the same feelings would come up if we adopted - we would feel our loss of a biological child while at the same time loving our adopted child.

I have made a decision to live life as fully as possible in 2011. It does feel good to have left Dailystrength (my online support group around SIF for three years), to have made a decision to host casual bimonthly cafe meetings for the IF support group I started and to hand the reigns over to someone else to run the monthly meetings and to make a personal commitment to pencil in regular weekly slots for writing/art once school goes back.

As much as I try to live my life as best as I can post-SIF; the pain is still there - the longing and the loss around having another biological child will probably always be ingrained in me. I still have to apply self-preservation and cannot always view friends photos of their two or more children on Facebook. I am not as out there so much as someone who went through SIF though these days. When someone asked me last weekend if I had another child (since she last saw me) I just said I wasn't able to have any more children. When yesterday a shop-worker talked about her two boys aged 6 and 4 and told me how much easier the second child was I just smiled.

I have to update our profile with our new pet and still have two small bits of paperwork to post in to officially be finished with the adoption process. So I will get those done asap. Our social worker said she will tell us if and when a birth family views our profile - some families don't necessarily want to know unless it's certain but we're okay with hearing about people browsing as such.

A new grief

2011-01-14T09:38:00.006+13:00

It has been a busy Summer for us. For 3.5 weeks we had a series of visitors in the region over the Christmas/New Years break. And the last visitor left on Sunday. The day before he left - last Saturday - our cat, aged 11, was put to sleep.

It has been a hard week - and still is - post losing our cat. It is the first major grief I've faced since going through SIF. Although my SIF grief was dealt with as best as it could possibly be; it still remains, as possibly a part of me forever and most certainly resurfaces when another type of loss occurs in life - as it has this week. It's not so much the angst of not being able to not have another child that is up there. It is just the feeling of loss that has just become part of me - the broken feeling that I have accepted and had to embrace in order to move on that has come up as a result of another loss. Because I am so devastated around the loss of my beloved cat, that has been there through several rocky patches over the last 11 years; I'm feeling broken once again.

Just as I was coming to a place of accepting that life would be okay with just the three of us - the four of us including our cat - life changes again. I've been through enough grief over the last four plus years to know that some good will come out of this. It is heartbreaking losing a much loved pet; but the end of his life signifies the end of an era - but it is early days to understand just what exactly that means.

Our profile is now out of date as we had a page in our profile about our cat including photos. We will get another pet when the time is right so I won't bother changing the profile at this stage. The main message to get across I guess is that we love animals and that pets will probably always be part of our lives.

With the cat passing, our daughter has felt the smallness of our family even saying herself "Now there are only three of us!" She often referred to our cat as her brother - I know it is a huge loss for her. If we are to remain a family of three - as in three humans - then I think we most certainly need some fur companions to balance things out.

The day I went in to have our cat euthanised and was waiting for our turn (the longest five minutes in my life) ; I saw a family come out of the one of the consulting rooms with four children and their cat and the children were holding cat toys they were about to purchase. One was a cat toy that my daughter had bought our cat for Christmas. It was hard to not have some mother of many envy flare up at the sight of a big family and their cat as we sat there - our small family, about to say goodbye to our beloved Warren.

Our daughter is missing her eight year old niece who she spent time with over the Christmas holidays. She is having a hard week adapting to being home alone after all our visitors have left, after a busy period of time - and without our cat who filled the gap in our family. Our daughter did struggle with sharing our home with a one year old for four nights though. Although she craves the company of children - she also needs a lot of personal space. The older she gets; the harder it will be I think to add another child to our family so probably a good thing that we will be in the pool for prospective adoptive parents for just 18 months.

Grief comes in many forms in life - and each time I feel a loss, I'm always surprised at how deeply I am affected. Right now in my grief I would choose our cat and one child - the one we have over any other variation in our family. I miss my fur-baby who in many ways was my second child.

A New Years Wish

2011-01-01T11:22:00.000+13:00

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

(from "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes", Cinderella)

Goodbye 2010!

2010-12-31T18:46:00.003+13:00

Another short and sweet post to say goodbye to 2010 - a year that has been about letting go on the SIF front - letting go of a dream (to have another biological child), letting go of the outcome of our alternate plan (to adopt a child) and letting go of the last four years of pain, grief, and hope. I know I cannot completely wipe the slate clean in 2011 - the stink of SIF will waver for years to come. But I have done everything in my power to make my life about other things in 2011. SIF will not be my focus; whatever the year brings. I wish nothing but peace and happiness to other women/families out there going through IF and SIF - and hope those that are "through it" continue to heal.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T12:10:00.003+13:00

Just a short post today to wish my readers/followers a very Merry Christmas. Thanks for reading and keeping up with my story. I sincerely hope 2011 comes with some good news for you all - in whatever form that may be.

We received a letter from Adoption Services this week to say that our profile has been accepted. So except for a small amount of paperwork that we will need to do in January; we are done and dusted with the adoption process. It's a good feeling. :) Our file is valid until April 2012 - if we want to remain in the "waiting pool" after that we have to send out a new application form, do another lot of medical and police checks plus provide two referees again. It will be interesting to see if we want to remain in the pool when this eighteen month period is up. I thought we'd be in for two years but obviously they start the two years from when the main application form is handed in.

I'm feeling pretty good as Christmas approaches. I'm surrounded by extended family right now which helps ease the pain of SIF that rears it's ugly head this time of year. I do have to apply self-preservation though and have to put a little distance between myself and some families of four that I know.

I left Dailystrength last weekend which was a freeing thing to do. I have also told the members of the local IF support group that I have started that I will be stepping down from hosting nightly meetings next year. I am still keen to organise casual cafe meetings every couple of months but personally need to move on from hearing about IF regularly. I really want and need to heal from it all. I'm hoping someone from the group will step into my shoes and offer to take nightly meetings or organise something so that the women who are still TTC/ going through treatments have somewhere to go.

My daughter was with me when we handed in our profile over a week ago. She has been telling kids and adults that she is "getting a brother or sister." For the most part she understands it is only something that might happen. But my heart does break for her whenever I hear her mention the sibling thing. For that reason I am glad that we have this eighteen month period of time to get through - to wait. I don't think as a family we can wait too much longer for a child to join us as we all need the closure - but at least it's not far now til we will get that. But I don't know what kind of a space we will be in when our eighteen months in the pool is up - perhaps we will want to wait another two years. I've no idea. But for now I have to break it down in chucks - smaller periods of time are easier to manage.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. xx

No Christmas baby

2010-12-16T12:49:00.005+13:00

It's my fourth Christmas of hoping for another shot at motherhood. Four years of praying, living with the grief of SIF, growing emotionally and spiritually because of SIF, accepting and battling my fate, and moving on (ever-so-slowly) from what seemed like a simple desire many years ago - to have another child. It has been quite the journey.

And I still care. - still care and want that original dream to work out. Still want, carve and grieve the loss of the biological child that never came. Somehow Christmas makes the whole thing seem a whole lot worse. It is hard to see others - even others who well and truly deserve that much-wanted second child; get their Christmas bundles. When I revealed to some that we were close to going into the pool for prospective adoptive parents it was too easy and obvious that some would exclaim that we might get a baby for Christmas. I understand that friends are only looking out for us when they make comments like that. Yet the cold stark reality of adoption, and of SIF; is that miracles don't always happen. Yes, we are in the pool now. But there are no birth families looking to adopt out babies right now in our region. It will be another Christmas without a baby in my arms. I cannot pretend that that desire to hold and love another child isn't there. The tears are there this Christmas just like they were four years ago.

Our social worker went on holiday yesterday and isn't back til January 5th. She gave me some more feedback for our second draft of our profile and I've made the suggested changes and then my husband printed it out at his work today so it is ready to drop in to Adoption Services within the week. We still have a small amount of paperwork to do next year when our social worker gets back. So we've done just about everything entailed in the adoption process except for filling out two bits of paperwork. It would have been nice to have it all tidied up for 2010 but I guess things are just working out the way they are meant to - this whole thing has been dragged into 2011.

I feel as though I have been triggered on the SIF front in several ways this week - not just with the whole Christmas thing going on and that being a reminder of broken dreams - but also a few comments this week from my daughter about her "sister or brother" - she still has hope and talks freely about her sibling as if one is really coming - it breaks my heart on the days when adoption doesn't feel very hopeful. One of my daughter's caseworkers who hasn't been in touch for a year asked if another one had come along this week. I brushed that comment off with a "Not yet. Well you never know..." and wanted to kick myself for saying so. But I just couldn't do it - couldn't reveal my SIF as it has been many months since I've had to disclose my SIF to anyone. If feels as though it has gone back to being my dirty little secret as it was for a while before I starting blogging/forming a support group and joining online groups.

We have a steady stream of visitors coming through from this Saturday til January 8th so I guess my focus will soon be changed around SIF. Not that I have purposefully being dwelling as I have been very busy with work and ASD issues at my daughter's school - I've barely been able to keep up with my life. Yet I feel the heartache of SIF lingering in the background. The fear that our last shot at parenthood for the second time might not happen is right up there right now. I don't feel so blase about the outcome right now. I want it to work out. (adoption). I'm also aware of how much more waiting we have to do - another two years of building our lives quite significantly around the unknown. For the next two years we will have to consider plans carefully in case a baby does come into the picture. I resent living in limbo yet I have made the choice to do so as I cannot at this point let go of this dream.

I know I am overtired and stressed at the moment. My daughter is home sick as she has a stomach bug and I am meant to be work. I have been juggling motherhood and work for several works now as I've been working more in order to meet deadlines. It has made me grumpy as normally I have the work-life balance thing sorted with working 12 hours a week but when it is closer to 20 hours a week; I get exhausted.

I guess the one big thing I have done this week around SIF is I have declared it to be my last week with Dailystrength (til Saturday). I joined three years ago and it is time to move on. So guess I am making progress with all this. It's just at times like this, when the SIF grief feels big and I have to apply a lot of self-preservation and keep my distance from families of many; I wonder if I will ever not have this inner-ache that I feel like I have lived with for way too long. I so desperately want my life to be about other things - to move past all this. But it seems SIF runs so deep that there are times in my life - probably always will be - when it surfaces and takes over.

2nd draft of profile done

2010-12-05T08:12:00.004+13:00

I went in for an appointment with our Social Worker on Thursday last week to look over our profile as she and two other staff members at Adoption Services had suggested some changes. I spent an hour or so making the changes and emailed the second draft off to her on Sunday night, so she should have received it this week. But I haven't heard back from her yet so will follow that up next week as I'm aware she is knocking off for Christmas very soon.

Apparently we are considered to be in the pool for prospective adoptive parents - even though our profile hasn't officially been handed in yet. I'm really looking forward to handing over the hand-copy of our profile and just walking away from it all. I'm more than ready to wind up this whole adoption process and this whole trying to add to our family deal. It does feel as though things have started to drag getting the profile to the final stages.

For a few weeks I felt quite positive and hopeful about the adoption process. But at the moment I am concerned about elements of our profile - "our story" as such, that may not be so appealing to some. Afterall, we've had to share our life history warts and all - the past - and the present. After a challenging couple of weeks on the autism front with our daughter; I wonder if the family member who said perhaps we are better off just having one child because of the ASD factor, is in fact, right. I've been asked to elaborate about life with our daughter in our profile. Anyone who understands autism even remotely knows that these children need a lot of extra special care and attention. I guess I have heard one story too many where siblings of autistic children are affected.

There is no perfect family. I know that - especially these days after having survived SIF. But I know the perspective of a birth family must be about aiming for the most perfect family possible since as birth parents they have obviously decided they are not up to the job.

I also worry about having to say that we'd more than likely put our potential adopted child into childcare at some point. Yet I don't know for sure what will happen as I may take maternity leave and then decide not to go back to work - which is what happened with my daughter - I didn't go back to the job I had maternity leave from but took on a different job with lesser hours. I understand about needing to be as clear as possible for the birth family but it is hard to predict how things will go when we don't know the timing of a potential adoption happening, where we will be at financially or what kind of head-space I will even be in to make decisions about work and when and if childcare even enters into the equation.

I guess when our social worker asked if I could work from home I kind of got the vibe that perhaps childcare in the earlier years isn't perhaps an appealing offer for some birth families. I've pointed out in the profile that I only actually work 12 hours a week and have no plans to increase my hours. Sigh. We can only be who we are, I guess. At this point in time I do need to work to help pay our mortgage. But with two kids we'd be eligible to more government support and once you factor in the cost of childcare - we possibly might be in the same boat whether or not I work or not. Perhaps I need to do some calculations to get my head around things and this might lead to some further clarity in our plans for our profile.

I've been busy with work - and still am - these past few weeks. In fact I haven't blogged for well over two weeks as my head has been full of work stuff. I'm looking forward to the Christmas holidays just to slow down and get some r & r.

I am a little anxious about the whole profile deal - that's why I just want it done and dusted so I cannot worry anymore about the content. I also feel my SIF stuff lurking in the background with Christmas just around the corner. I guess Christmas is a time of acknowledging one's dreams in life and when they haven't happened; it can be painful.

Many of the women I've met on my SIF journey are doing well. Babies have arrived or are arriving soon. Or there is a lot of hope in the air as new procedures or treatments are tried. At the same time my heart bleeds for the women I know who have reached the end of the road - who have to rebuild their lives somehow. I still stand somewhere in the middle - we have the opportunity at least to be considered for adoption - but it might not happen. I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. But just looking forward to 2011 being about other things - whatever they are.

Social worker has received our profile!

2010-11-23T20:00:00.005+13:00

I got an email from our social worker today saying that she has received our profile and that that she, another social worker and another staff member will all be looking at it over the next couple of weeks. She said it looked great at a glance which was good to hear. She said to be assured that if a birth family came through soon then all efforts would be made to finalise our profile.

I'm quite happy with the timing as I have a busy couple of weeks coming up at work and really want to get things tidied up on the work-front before going into the pool. Our social worker said in an email that she was aware that Christmas was looming and so the aim is to get us in the pool before Christmas - so not long to go at all!

I feel the most incredible sense of relief knowing we are so close to being prospective adoptive parents. As my husband said, it is quite good going in to the pool at the end of this year because that means we only have to hang around for two full years to see what happens. It all feels right anyway - the way we have approached the adoption process - slowly but surely in our own time.

After feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off after completing the first draft of our profile; I have found this natural urge emerging to focus on the next thing. It is as though all this energy that went into hoping for another child and trying different ways to achieve this dream has come back to me again. I am astounded to realise just how much of myself I lost in so many ways as I went through the whole SIF deal. I have been looking online at writing courses and at a job that interests me. Yet I cannot really pursue these other things as writing courses involve money we don't have right now and starting a new job would really throw a spanner in the works as we enter the pool for prospective adoptive parents. But still; it's good to think about other things I might want to do with my life should I end up a Mum of One for good.

Although the limbo of being in the pool will restrict and define how we live our lives somewhat over the next couple of years; it won't be as frustrating as the limbo of living with secondary infertility. At least at this point in time we know exactly where we stand - we have reached the end of the road for adding to our family (adoption) - it's either going to work, or not. It really is that simple.

I have sent messages on Facebook to three groups around where we are at in the adoption process (near the end) - my in-laws, my Dailystrength friends (some of whom have moved on from Dailystrength) and my local friends who have known about our desire to adopt. There are others out there who know a little about our adoption plans but I will wait until we are in the pool before announcing it to the world - or at least on Facebook. We have been relatively open about our adoption plans but I am still somewhat careful around who I disclose full details to.

Already one friend today came back with how it would be a nice Christmas present - if we got picked this year. Hmmm. I have spent the last three Christmases hoping and dreaming another addition to the family would be here to share it with us. I am not holding my breath. Don't get me wrong - I am excited to have this opportunity to even be considered by birth families as adoptive parents. But I really have no idea how this is all going to pan out. Most I've met who have adopted in this country have waited several years before anything happened so I'm sure we won't suddenly get a phonecall just minutes after going into the pool!

Yep, the whole SIF has caused me to me a bit of a cynic. Or am I just realistic these days? I'm not sure. I no longer feel bitter, or consumed about SIF or riddled with grief and pain. I seem to be able to live in the moment more and am able to enjoy what I have in life - rather than what I don't. But I feel too defined still by this big loss that occurred in my life. It changed me. I still haven't quite figured out who I am post-SIF.

Emailed profile to social worker today!

2010-11-18T19:05:00.007+13:00

Finally - our profile is done! I have spent quite a lot of time on it over the last two weeks - in particular the last weekend just been. I got my husband to read it last night and make any changes he thought we needed to make. I made the changes today and then emailed a copy off to our social worker. I gave her a call to tell her I'd emailed our profile through only to discover she's on leave til Tuesday. Nevermind. I know we are so, so close to being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents that I can just about taste it! ;)

It has been quite the process putting the profile together. I found it quite an exhausting task as essentially it was about telling our life story - and that meant including the good, the bad and the ugly. Plus I've included quite a few photos so have had to rifle through all our family photos over the last five and a half years. It has all been quite emotional and just huge really.

So to get it done is not unlike the feeling of getting a massive assignment or essay finished at university - the relief afterwards is the same - as is the questioning ie: Could I have done a better job? (!) That's why I had to email it off today as I was starting to examine every photo I had included and put myself in the position of birth families and wonder what they would think of when they looked at it. Which you of course partly have to do anyway - you do have to see things from the birth parents perspective and are encouraged to by the social workers.

I said to my husband that I thought we looked good - that our profile looks good and I'm happy with it. It is an honest account of who we are and the life we lead. It will be interesting to see what kind of feedback we get from our social worker.

Our profile ended up being 24 pages long - mainly because each new category - there were ten to write about starts on a new page. I cannot think of anything else to add so I guess it really is done!

I'm so pleased to have the profile finished though. I'm so rapt that we can wind up the year now knowing we have done our best as far as trying to add to our family goes. Good old-fashioned TTC didn't work, nor did fertility treatments or alternate methods (such as herbs, naturopaths and acupuncture) so we shall see what adoption holds in store for us.

I feel we have all the information we need, have allowed plenty of time to get our heads around open adoption (which is what social workers diplomatically encourage both birth families and adoptive parents to go for in this country), and are prepared in every way possible to be adoptive parents. I have been nesting even - especially at work - tying up loose ends just in case someone else may walk into my position sometime soon...

It does not feel like an unlikely scenario, even - that we could get picked as adoptive parents. In fact upon reading our profile, I cannot think but how can we not get chosen? Of course I'm biased and understand it's about what birth families are looking for matching what we have to offer. But I do feel we have a chance. I feel more hopeful about adoption working out for us than I ever did when TTC for our second child - even with fertility drugs and after an operation I just knew my time was up and that many of the things I tried were a big fat waste of time.

But if we don't get picked I know I will find peace with that outcome. Even getting this far - on the brink of submitting our profile into the pool has ended up being a huge healing process. Because adoption is just a maybe - there is a lot of letting go involved in the adoption process. I just feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A friend commented today that she could see a change in me. I guess to some it may be quite obvious as I feel quite different - I feel free.

Our daughter has been involved a bit with the profile. I think it's important she knows adoption could happen for us but I don't want it to be a big focus for our family once we are in the pool. I am looking forward to starting a new era in 2011.

It feels so great to get my life back again as it has been four long years of hoping to add to our family. I have some creative plans in the wings - in particular I am finally ready to start writing/editing the book I always said I would write about SIF which will be based on this blog. After putting our profile together with an index; I know the time has arrived. I'm painting again and am in an art class and am really enjoying just being in the moment. I have books to write and art to sell. I know 2011 will be about that. The second child business I have handed over to God. I've done my part. It's all up to Him now.

Triggered

2010-11-09T14:16:00.006+13:00

We've just had family stay for four nights and I seem to be experiencing a bit of an emotional backlash. What seems to have come to the fore of late is that my family of origin stuff is very much intertwined with SIF. I always suspected I wanted to create the perfect family of four as a consequence of some childhood dysfunction. I am aware that there is a part of me that wants to compensate for the past - that the child within is still healing and craves a peaceful, stable and loving home life.

Perhaps the God of my understanding will just bless us as a family of three as adding another child to the mix would be a duplication of the family I grew up in - and maybe I'm not meant to recreate the past - perhaps I am just meant to have the family I have today as it stands. After having another child under our roof for four nights, it is obvious to me just how much I want to play "happy families" - so much as so I almost don't trust my own motives for wanting another child.

My parents separated when I was 24 and divorced a few months later. It was so long ago yet there is a part of me that still grieves my family - my family being altogether. All these years on and it still hurts that we (my family of origin) live in four different places within Australasia. It means we don't see each other much. It affects our daughter - she often asks if she can invite her cousins round. Obviously we have made a choice to live where we do - away from family on both sides. We did move once (to where we are now) to be closer to family but they moved away! I don't think I would risk moving for family again as people are pretty transient these days. Besides, it seems we are simply living where we are meant to be living.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment around exposure to a child who is in the midst of an unstable home-life. It breaks my heart. And of course reminds me of my own upbringing. I have shed tears for this child and there are more to come. Although I have accepted God's will of no more biological children and possibly no more children at all for our family; I do not understand why others who cannot seem to provide a child with it's basic needs are granted several children - one of life's mysteries. I suppose today I feel a gaping hole around my family of origin stuff. I envy families that are close both emotionally and in proximity. It makes so much sense why I wanted to add another child to the mix - to heal past wounds - to perhaps have a shot at saving myself and my sister by creating the kind of home-life we both craved.

I know it isn't the responsibility of course of another child to heal my wounds. But I suppose if we did get picked as adoptive parents then perhaps we - the child and I - would be able to heal each other partly. Adoption is an imperfect situation, I know that. It will not erase the pain from any of the parties involved in the adoption triad - the adopted child, adopted parents and birth parents all come with their own forms of loss to adoption. But it is a solution in lots of ways and no doubt each adoption is as unique as every birth.

I've made some progress with our profile. I will do some more work on it this week. I have most certainly been taking my time with it while tying up some loose ends at work. It is hard to believe that once we go into the pool of prospective adoptive parents that we will be at the end of our journey in many ways - it will be our last attempt at trying to add to our family. I am relieved that after this - finishing the profile and submitting it into the pool - there won't be anything else to do. I am looking forward to starting 2011 without adding to our family being our main focus. There will be no TTC, no fertility treatments/operations or an adoption process to go through - it will all be over. Finally!

At least in a months time or so this will all be over. We should be closer to being in the pool and closer to moving on with our lives. Really it will just be next year and the year after of quietly waiting in the background to see if we get picked as birth parents - and then that's it - we will be able to move on for once and for all if we don't get picked.

I want to start 2011 as SIF-free as possible - no more Dailystrength for starters. Plus I want to have some goals/things to look forward to. I plan to do the same the year after.

I feel the old me emerging a little these days though I know I have changed a hell of a lot because of SIF. I certainly have a new kind of compassion and am able to really reach out now when others face their own losses in life. All people want is to be heard and acknowledged in their grief. It is that simple. That was all I wanted and I really do not find it hard to understand that when others are faced with grief that they are feeling lost and alone like I did for such a long time.

Last week we had the IF support meeting here in town. Five of us turned up. It was a good meeting and great to see women connecting in the group. I was on the fence about continuing meetings next year but think I will hold bimonthly meetings with cafe meetings inbetween. I feel as though I wear two hats: the SIF one and a Mum hat. I still feel displaced and very much between infertility and motherhood. I don't seem to have a full membership to either club!

Trusting God

2010-10-29T13:21:00.007+13:00

I guess the biggest change over the last couple of months or so for me has been about rediscovering God again. I mean this in a trusting God in my life kind of a way. I'm not a religious person. But I do have strong spiritual beliefs. I have been in recovery for 14 years and it was through recovery that I found my own version of a Higher Power.

However, during my SIF my faith was seriously challenged. Although I "talked" to God daily throughout my tough years of SIF: I didn't make the time to listen. It was too painful at the time to hear what He might have to say. So I turned away from God in a sense - without realising it.

Throughout SIF I mainly felt unsupported by those around me. I wanted my husband, family, friends - and other mothers - to "get" SIF. I was constantly let-down by the lack of empathy given during that time.

Yet I have learnt in recent times, that this whole SIF ordeal was between God and I. It really was an exercise in faith and trust yet I was unable to "hear" God. Instead I kept hoping that one day those in my circle would understand.

I can honestly say that because of the decision I made to walk away from SIF a couple of months back; I have found God in my life again. Not only that; my relationship with the God of my understanding is stronger than ever. I no longer feel empty. Some major healing has taken place - I no longer live and breathe SIF.

I trust in God's timing and do not feel compelled to complete our profile urgently. I feel I need to get through November work-wise (as the next few weeks are going to be busy) before divulging to my boss that we will be in the prospective adoptive parents pool once our profile has been written and approved by our social worker.

The funny thing is I seem to be going through a nesting phase at the moment. Is is as though I know I need and want to get a few things sorted before going into the pool.

With hindsight I have been able to see just how lost, lonely and in despair I was during those SIF days. I was a mess and it really was a hard thing to go through in the long-term. I do think I did the best I could at the time and that it was simply a process I had to go through - I had to go through my grieving patches and allow myself to move towards acceptance in my own time.

I was surprised to have AF arrive this week after an eight month absence. I was hoping I would have no visits from AF for 12 months so I could be deemed post-menopausal! It's a light bleed anyway - but it has reminded me of how AFs presence is connected to my femininity. Without a regular cycle I find I am still working out who I am as a woman.

Our daughter is struggling in some areas at school. I have found this so hard to see. I have had some big cries around her autism of late. I guess SIF and her ASD diagnosis all happened at the same time and I didn't actually grieve or process her diagnosis initially. Because I have worked with children with ASD and Aspergers; it wasn't a big shock at the time. But now that our daughter is older and feeling the affects of living with ASD; my heart breaks for her.

We are having a Halloween party tomorrow night. I am looking forward to having nine kids and 11 adults here. We are going trick n' treating (all rigged!) and are having a Halloween disco. It will be fun. I have just been in town getting some decorations. I feel more like "me" these days - as I do like to organise get-togethers and have fun. It feels like we are having a family celebration - kind of like coming out of a rough era with SIF and inviting people into our lives again.

Friends for a season

2010-10-21T16:25:00.004+13:00

It feels as though I have finally moved into another chapter in my life - the post-SIF chapter. However I won't feel as if we have completely closed the door on SIF until our profile has been submitted. Hopefully we are just a few weeks away from going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. I have starting writing our profile and purchased a clear file today which will contain our profile once it has been approved by our social worker. So we are getting there - slowly but surely.

It is with a bit of a sadness that I know it will be time for me to move on from Dailystrength around the time we have submitted our profile into the pool. Really once we're in the pool, life will carry on and there isn't much more to tell or much more to share from that point on. It feels as if the circle of women I have connected with over the last three years in the secondary infertility community through Dailystrength have slowly been granted their baby dreams one by one. Recently I downsized my friends online from twenty-something to seven. Many friends got pregnant and had their second children and left the group. Others just stopped all communication. In some cases it was me who stopped communicating. I think it will be a very long time before I will be able to hear detailed accounts of a woman's pregnancy. It is also painful to hear about siblings and how much a first child loves being a big brother or sister. I still have to apply self-preservation, even though I have healed a bit around SIF.

Out of this small group of friends left online; four of the women are pregnant and one has her adopted son on the way to her from Asia as we speak. I am soooooo pleased and happy for all of them. Honestly I am. Yet, I still don't know my fate. It's not kindergarten; I may not get a prize myself. God only knows how this will all turn out for me. It seems the natural thing to do now is to continue to do what I'm doing; to gently detach myself from my online habit.

I guess my blog and Dailystrength have been my coping mechanisms throughout SIF. When most of those in my circle in "real life" failed to understand just how deep secondary infertility cuts; my online outlets saved my life. I will forever be grateful for the support I have gained over the last three years from people reading my blogs and through reading other women's blogs and journals. Being heard and accepted when going through a great loss is paramount to healing.

As I walk further away from SIF, I cannot help but think that this painful episode in my life most will be oblivious to . It doesn't seem like something I can bring up anymore. It is very odd to have been through something so big, to have survived it and to now be recovering from it still very much on my own. I guess in the future if someone with SIF crosses my path; I will be able to lend a listening ear. Perhaps I am not meant to educate the world about SIF afterall. Perhaps it will be something that I will only share with others when the time is right.

My daughter had a hard week at school last week. Some teasing occurred around her autism. She was devastated and is still processing, at the age of five and a half, just exactly what it means to be autistic. It broke my heart to see her so downhearted. I have had a few cries - the first time I've actually cried around her autism in the two years since her diagnosis. We went through so much as a family for a few years there - the early days of dealing with our daughter's autism were particularly tough and we went through that while SIF consumed me for a good couple of years.

As we sat down at the kitchen table the other night, my husband and I, and gently explained autism (once again) to our daughter with the use of a social story, I couldn't help but wonder if one day we might be having a similar conversation with another child around adoption. No doubt that would be a heartbreaking moment too; watching an adopted child come to terms with being adopted.

I guess after all I've been through over the last few years I have certainly learnt that life isn't perfect, that not all dreams come true and that great losses can just about break a person. Yet I know that it is possible to move on and to make a new start and to even find new dreams again. I'm in the process of allowing the space of letting go of the old so the new can come in.

Today I bought a 2011 diary. The next three months are busy ones - we have a few visitors coming to visit and there's a few things on. Every Christmas for the last four years I have hoped to either be pregnant or to have a baby in my arms. I don't want to do that to myself this Christmas. To move forward I have to continue to let go of the grief I have lived with for a while. I can feel my energy changing as I embrace life as it is today instead of pining for lost dreams.

Every time I log into Dailystrength I feel triggered. I was pretty depressed over the years from time to time and I am reminded of how I used to feel when I go into Dailystrength. I also see the status updates of those whose baby dreams came true and that only reminds me of what didn't happen for me. It takes me out of my present and back into the past - to a dream that wasn't meant to be and I don't think that's good for me. So I guess I made some friends for a season in Dailystrength. We supported each other during an incredibly tough time yet we are all dispersing as the wind changes. I know I will miss these connections I have made online but at the same time, I can see already that my connections in "real life" are improving as I am slowly coming out of hiding. I am reentering the world again, living my life instead of hiding in cyberspace. It feels good but it is hard changing my ways. I am not good at letting go - of anything really. But I'm sticking close to God these days, talking to Him more and journalling for me. It seems God and I have been doing some healing together.

Letting Go

2010-10-15T17:39:00.005+13:00

Whenever it was, a few weeks or a few months back; I made a conscious decision to move on from SIF. I guess as I approached four years of hoping to add to our family I realised I wanted my life back again. God only knows how much of my time and energy was consumed by SIF over that four year period of time.

It's funny when you have the willingness to change, to accept things as they stand and to stop pushing and hoping for life to go the way you had planned; that peace has the opportunity to seep in. I have learnt so much from this chapter in my life and am still learning. The obvious lesson has been about living with loss and life throwing the unexpected at you. I seem to know a lot of women who have been widowed this year. I just have a lot more empathy and sympathy for them than what I would have, had I not been through SIF. Sure, losing a husband probably doesn't compare to losing the ability to have another child. But there are parallels.

I did get quite triggered post our recent family trip up to Wellington. I guess a bit of family of origin stuff came up. But it turned out that it was an opportunity to filter through another layer of stuff. It certainly cemented for me that Nelson is where we are meant to be living right now.

Over the last few months members of my antenatal class have come into my life again. I'm good friends with one of the women from antenatal class and she is the only one I have kept in regular contact with throughout SIF. Another one works at the same college (high-school) as me. But I haven't seen the others for ages. I used to be the one who organised coffee groups. A couple of women have turned up at the gym I go to and three others also have daughters in the same ballet class as my daughter. Most of these Mums do have two children. I pretty much let go of the group when it was obvious I was infertile. But now these women have reappeared in my life. It as though God feels I am ready to be exposed to the circle of Mums again out there that I used to be part of.

We are planning a Halloween BBQ. We have invited around eight/nine families. Some are new families that I've met through my daughter's school. It feels good to be organising a get-together like this as it is something I have always done - brought people together. Fancy dress will be compulsory for adults and children so it should be fun!

I've enrolled in an art class starting November 1st. I did an art class (for the first time) maybe two years ago and ended up selling some paintings (for children's bedrooms) at a few markets one Summer. A work colleague/friend who is very creative has suggested we have a stall at a market January 2nd which I'm keen to do.

As for writing our profile (for the pool for prospective adoptive parents) - I haven't done a thing! A lot of it will be cutting and pasting from some of the paperwork we submitted during the adoption process. I hope to make a start this weekend. I'm not in a big rush to get it done/don't feel any pressure even though I know I will feel hugely relieved when we are finally in the pool. Perhaps I have more faith and trust in God at the moment - it certainly is not urgent that we get it done. There are a few things I want to get sorted at work before revealing to my boss that we are in the pool. I guess I need to tie up some loose ends over the next few weeks.

So by the time I get our profile written and submitted it will no doubt be two years of going through the whole adoption process. We haven't rushed things - we have taken our time. Soooo much has gone on over the last two years. We needed to take our time to deal with things and to get ourselves sorted in some areas.

Last weekend I organised a cafe get-together for the IF support group I started as it has been running for a year. It was good and nice to do something informal. I felt as if I really bonded with the women outside of the structured meetings we usually have. I would like to continue meetings in 2011 but perhaps we will have bimonthly ones with a cafe meeting inbetween. I guess I will just see how things go.

It has been really good for me detaching more from Dailystrength - my online SIF support group. I let go of several "friends" there a few weeks back. I now have half a dozen or so friends and most don't check in much themselves. I guess eventually it will be time to move on from Dailystrength. It is taking a while to wean myself out of there as I have used it as a form of support for close to three years!

But letting go of my online support has caused me to be more present in my daily life. I don't tend to go online in the weekends now which means I get more done around the house! I don't necessarily mean housework either - just general sorting out stuff. I guess my loose plan is to sign off from Dailystrength by the end of the year. I want 2011 to not be about SIF at all. It will be a new life. I feel it coming - however it all turns out.

Rebuilding Me

2010-10-08T11:06:00.007+13:00

Going away for a week with my wee family to my hometown was interesting. For the most part it was a good trip away and we did a few things in Wellington such as going to Te Papa (interactive museum) and the zoo and walking around the wharf. We also went to Palmerston North for a night which is two hours from Wellington to catch up with some good friends.

Being in Wellington, where I was born and raised bought up lots of memories .I also lived in Palmerston North twice - once as a university student in the late 80s and ten years later as an aspiring graphic designer. It is also where I met my husband - we worked at the same place - and where I adopted my cat who is now 10 years old.

We have lived in Nelson for nine years now and have very much established it as home. My husband is also from the North Island so between the two of us we have a lot of history in the North Island - also our friends and family live there.

But trekking around spots I used to hang out in and seeing friends I haven't seen for a while reminded me of the various incarnations I've had in life. I got and still feel quite triggered a day after getting back around the fact that I have lost a lot of my inner-zing and vitality because of SIF. That makes me sad. I was always the adventurous, fun-loving friend who had several projects and goals on the go. I know I'm older now; but I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Life has become so very, very small and I have been in survival mode - simply treading water - for quite some time.

There were some friends we caught up with that I haven't seen for over two years. One friend I only saw for an hour so I just didn't go there around SIF or adoption. This friend has three children under seven. Although I wasn't jealous; I felt worlds apart from her because of all I've been through emotionally around SIF. It is strange to see a friend with the dream you had hoped for for a long time while wondering what God has in store for you.

I guess I was mainly struck with how broken I felt as we reconnected with friends and family in the North Island. I'm not bitter anymore. There is just a big empty hole where a very special dream once lived. I really want to move on and rebuild the broken parts of me but I know it's going to take time. Also I know the reality could be I may just have to somehow live with this loss and integrate it into this new life - this alternative life that is slowly evolving.

I will make a start on our profile soon. I wish I felt more excited about it than I do. I saw the movie "Mother and Child" with my Mum in Wellington which is ironically about adoption. I had tears streaming down my face in a scene when an adoption falls through - it was just a little close to the bone!

This Sunday I have organised a get-together at a cafe for the IF support group I started as it has now been running a year! I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone in an informal setting.

I am in a bit of a wierd space. I guess I feel I have moved on from SIF as best as I can yet I still have a lot of healing to do. It takes a long time to rebuild a life after going through a major loss. I still haven't accepted my premature menopause fate either. I found I felt embarrassed when we were away catching up with some friends we hadn't seen for a while as I've put on some weight and it is purely hormonal. I eat well and exercise - I cannot control my weight now and that does upset me as I usually have quite a good figure. I'm not overally fat though - just bloated - particularly around my abs and it is uncomfortable not to mention unflattering in a lot of clothes I wear. I'm in the process of having to change my style because of my changed body shape - I'm still working out what looks and feels good.

I feel I am having to rediscover who I am in mind, body and soul post-SIF and post-menopause. There are still more tears to come; still some more acceptance to find. I miss the old me pre-SIF yet I know I have changed and it might take a while to make friends with the new me again.

Let Go and Let God

2010-09-28T08:44:00.003+13:00

I've had a good week. I made a decision to let go of the whole SIF deal recently - to start moving on from it and that decision has paid off. I have changed a few things in my week such as only turning on my computer twice a week and therefore only logging into Dailystrength once or twice a week. I've had two whole weekends without turning the computer on and although it was a challenge initially (as it has been a habit for so long; particularly logging into Dailystrength); I pushed through and got past it. I even enjoyed myself these last two weekends - more than I have for a long time without feeling the burden of SIF.

There have been painful moments over the last few weeks. The grief of not being able to have another biological child comes up frequently - and the uncertainty as to whether we will become adoptive parents can linger. But whenever my pain or fears come up, I pray to God - I hand it back to him and even visualise myself kissing my newborn swathed in a white blanket before handing my baby back to God. Sometimes I do this several times a day.

We got a letter last week saying that we have officially been accepted as prospective adoptive parents! Finally! It good news but I am totally handing the outcome over to God. All we can do is complete our profile, submit it and then the rest is up to God. And I feel okay with that. For four long years I prayed and prayed that a baby would come our way. I just can't live like that anymore. Life has to carry on as it exists today - and if an adopted baby comes our way - it will be amazing. But in the meantime I no longer want to live a life that feels incomplete. I want me and I want my family to heal from this horrendous SIF chapter we've been through.

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and some healing has been going on. For so long I was disappointed that those close to me never got SIF. I tried so hard to get friends and family to understand. But they didn't. They couldn't. Today I accept that. The healing I continue to need to do to keep moving on from SIF is between myself and God and nobody else. The pain is actually subsiding. I believe I held on tightly to the pain and grief of SIF for so long because I thought if I didn't no one would get just how much I wanted another biological child - and how hurt I was that it didn't happen. But I don't need to live in my grief anymore. I can be happy in spite of living with a lost dream.

There have been some moments over the last week or so when I could have piped up about SIF but didn't. My daughter likes playing in the playground after school and often it is the same Mums in the playground each day. So there is the usual chit-chat. I've listened to Mums of Three (MOTH) exchanging sibling stories. One MOTH told me the honeymoon was over with her third child who is now three months old. If only she knew, I thought to myself. But I didn't bring up SIF. I know she and probably all the school Mums assume I only ever wanted one child. In some ways I wish I could wear a badge that said "I wanted more children but can't have them". In other ways, I know I have to stop painting myself as a victim of secondary infertility if I want to keep moving forward. So I listen to these Mums and remain silent, while handing my baby wrapped in a white cloth back to God. If ever it seemed appropriate and relevant I would bring up SIF. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand, even though I feel triggered.

As a result of me turning on my computer less I have been much more present as a Mum - and as a wife. We had some great family moments this weekend - swimming at the pool together, scrabble, bingo and riding our bikes up and down the driveway. My daughter had a ball having so much fun with her parents. I never want her to feel like she wasn't enough for me - like the child who is left behind when a sibling dies. I think there is some very important family healing going on right now.

We are going on holiday for a week this Thursday - to Wellington, my hometown. So I will leave starting our profile for the prospective adoptive parents pool until we get back. I have to say I have been saddened by some of the reactions from family around our latest adoption news - it all becoming official. My Mum isn't excited at all and said she wondered how our daughter would cope with that (if we got an adopted child). In the next breath she talked about two of her friends whose daughters had their second children last week. Their news is exciting but mine isn't. That hurts. I have a sinking feeling that if we get picked as adoptive parents, it might take a while for some of my family to warm to the idea. I am realistic. I know that if it happens, some SIF grief will undoubedtly resurface. I can only but imagine that being picked as adoptive parents would be a bittersweet moment - mainly joyous, I'm sure - but family reactions for example will no doubt dampen things. I guess I can mentally prepare myself somewhat for the kind of reaction I expect we'll get.

For now I will keep focusing on me and my family as it stands today. I am starting to trust God again, even if He doesn't deliver every dream that I want. Life can be good again. I will recover from this disappointment. I know three women who have become widows this year - one is in her late 40s and one in her early 50s. All three women nursed their sick husbands for months. How devastating. If they can survive a loss like that then can I not only survive - I can recover from SIF. I do feel blessed in many areas of my life. I think of all the women in my IF support group who have no children. I've had five and a half years of motherhood. I'm very lucky. I heard these lyrics to a song recently: Today the sky is blue. Today no-one is crying. Seems very apt for where I'm at. I'm seeing the cup as half-full again.

Acceptance

2010-09-23T10:13:00.006+12:00

Wow the last week has been an interesting one. I made a decision to really make an effort to move on from SIF/the adoption process/the last four years a week or so ago. It was a hard decision to make on some level as I felt as though by letting go of my pain and grief around having another child - I was showing myself and the world that I had moved on. But I needed to start moving on as four years was too long to live in limbo. Way too long. We still haven't received a confirmation letter from Adoption Services saying we are officially in the pool for prospective adoptive parents even though we got the unofficial ok four weeks ago. Obviously adoption could happen for us but I'm at a point where I have to live my life as it stands today - with or without another child. So I truly am in a phase of moving on and letting go of a desire, a dream that I have lived and breathed for four years.

It hasn't been easy logging into Dailystrength in particular a little less. But at the same time, I know I have outgrown the SIF support group there. I have a handful of friends that I cherish and will continue to keep in contact with. However it seems right now I do need to focus on me and give myself the time and space to heal.

I have been talking and praying to God a lot. Begging almost to be freed from the pain and grief that has almost defined me for so long. By sitting in my pain and not expecting others to take it away; I have somehow been slowly moving through it. It has taken me a long time to accept that my husband, family of origin and close friends cannot help me heal from SIF. Sure, contact with women who have been there helps - mainly through my online friends. But at the end of the day, it is God and only God who can heal me.

I've had some cringe-worthy SIF moments over the last week or so. Casual accouncements of second children being born - that kind of thing. My daughter continues to ask about a sibling regularly. It is hard. Especially because she's interested in the birds and the bees and now knows my eggs "don't work."

We had a parent-teacher interview this week and it went mainly well but when we had an appointment with the special needs coordinator a reference was made to how my daughter is my one and only while I was indirectly labelled as an anxious and over-protective Mum - of a child with high-functioning autism. I was angry about this perception of myself for days - and still am - but can't do much about it. It annoys me that just because I am a Mum of One I am seen in a certain light. I know Mums of many with autistic kids who would act exactly as I do...

I have actually been journalling privately off-line the old-fashioned way with pen and paper which has been good over the last week. I have journalled for years and stopped doing so when I started this blog almost three years ago. It feels good to get back into journalling just for me again. I have had some awarenesses come up over the last week as a result of giving myself some time and space to heal - a realisation just how deep the wounds still are at having lived with alcoholism in my family of origin and how there is still some hurt around my family splitting through divorce, even though I was twenty-five at the time. I know that I part of my desire for a second child was about recreating my childhood family. I cannot expect an adopted child to heal my childhood and SIF wounds. That really is quite unfair. I also have a lot of remorse for all the absent emotional times I've had with my daughter as a parent going through SIF. That makes me so very sad. But I'm trying to make it up to my daughter - and myself - by being more present in her life now. I know I was the best mother I could be throughout my SIF experience but she didn't deserve to be affected by my pain and grief. I guess it is something we can talk about when she is older.

There is a lot to face and accept as I move on. I feel relieved to finally be moving out of this painful chapter in my life. I'm ready. It is like saying goodbye to the secondary infertility world I have created over the last few years. I'm not sure what will replace this gap that exists as I let go of this chapter - but I know that God will continue to guide me to the next thing.

Moving On

2010-09-16T12:32:00.009+12:00

I've kept in close contact with the God of my understanding over the past week. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in my life and will do whatever it takes to get there. I have finally started to let go of whether or not we will become parents for the second time. In fact, I am acting as if we will remain a family of three and am just being open to what might come our way in place of this long-wanted dream.

As painful as it is to hold on to a lost dream - it is also painful to let go. So it hasn't been an easy decision to make but something I need to do for my own sanity and well-being. So I have been praying to God daily, in particular using The Serenity Prayer and the first three of the twelve steps; to find some peace in my life again - as in long-lasting peace - not the scraps of peace I have lived with for so long.

I have been amazed that by just having the willingness to let go of this dream I had for so long - to have another biological child - that I have found a new sense of freedom. I got some results back earlier this week from my Dr that unofficially I am in fact in early menopause. I can't officially have a diagnosis until I've had no periods for a year. But my FSH levels were at 97 - the highest they have ever been and the other blood tests confirmed hormonally I am in fact post-menopausal. Which is in fact how I feel - as if I have been through menopause - not that I am going through it. My Dr recommended I have a bone density test within the year since women going through early menopause are at higher risk of oestoporosis.

Admittedly at first I had a lot of anger after my Dr's phone-call. In my heart I believe I have POF - premature ovarian diagnosis - which is basically early menopause for under 40s. But the specialists along the way have been so slack at monitoring my hormonal levels that I've never been diagnosed with POF. For a couple of days I was angry with all the specialists I have seen over the last almost four years who haven't picked up that I have POF. I believe this could have been figured out over three years ago when my cycles were obviously erratic and ovulation wasn't a regular occurence. I researched heaps on the internet and self-diagnosed myself a long time ago. I just wanted to be told from a medical professional what was going on. Even though I unofficially have a diagnosis - I do feel pissed off that I never had a diplomatic consult around it where I was seated down with a man or woman in a white coat who gently told me I had POF and I would therefore never be able to conceive again. I guess that was my fantasy way of receiving unbearable news! Instead I've had to piece my history together alone, mostly unsupported all this time. It has been very hard.

But, as I turn a corner and start to truly let go of all the pain that has been for the last almost four years; I find I cannot be angry or resentful or jealous anymore. I have been consumed with those feelings for years and I am well sick of feeling that way. So I'm finding a new way to live with my fate - which wasn't the path I wanted to do down - but it is the one I am on - so I'm choosing to accept it as best as I can.

I have been thinking of how much time and energy I have spent trying to get by and get through SIF/post-SIF and recently, the adoption process. Well I've had enough! I want my life back and the only way I know how to do that is by letting go.

We still haven't received the official letter that we are in the prospective adoptive parents pool even though we were unoffically told three weeks ago that we had been accepted. I'm done with waiting for things to happen. I will just look forward to getting our profile done in the near future so we can be done and dusted with the whole adoption process.

As I've opened my heart up of late I've found some of the Mums of Two, or Three or more have come back into my life again. I have seen four of the Mums from my antenatal class around over the last few weeks. I was the one who used to organise our coffee group but stopped once our children started Kindy and in particular - when the majority had their second children and I no longer felt comfortable around them. Yet they have reappeared in my life lately - at the gym and some are taking their girls to the same ballet class I started my daughter in yesterday. And it has been good to see them again. On some level I have missed having a group of mothers to connect with. I have friends who are Mums that I see individually. But as my daughter has gotten older, I have lost the network of mothers I had when she was under three.

I never did make it across the road to see the Mum of Three - whose baby is now three months old. But I see her around as our daughters are at the same school. She also wants to start her daughter in ballet. I told her I could always take her daughter as well to ballet as she was worried about having to look after her two other children while ballet was on. I meant it when I said it and it was a genuine offer. Perhaps I am ready to mingle amongst the Mums of Many again. Never did I think I would see the day!

This afternoon I watched my daughter perform in an outdoor dance display with all of the junior school. I was sandwiched between several Mums of Two I know, who were bouncing babies on their knees. I guess it will be some time before moments like that don't hurt. But I am sick of hiding and isolating; and perhaps part of leaving behind SIF means facing situations like this head on. I had a little hold of one of the babies while one of the Mums took photos of one of her other children in the concert. It was a bittersweet moment for me.

I feel as though I need to go underground somewhat - to perhaps disconnect a little from the internet and talking about SIF and adoption. I will be around of course - but in order to move on I have to let go a bit more of my online support groups. I have said this before and still end up blogging most weeks! But over the years my frequency online has slowly lessened. There was a time when I was online several times a day as I found it so hard to live with all my pain and grief. I'm at a point where I think daily contact isn't good for me. It isn't easy to change a lifestyle and for so long my lifestyle has been living and breathing SIF. But that isn't who I am anymore. I am moving to greener pastures - (I hope!) - I just have to make the time and space to get there instead of holding myself back my talking about what might have been and what I wished I had. There is only so long I can flog a dead horse!

I cannot change the past and the fact I am one hundred percent infertile. There is nothing I can do about it. I've been through some big things in my life pre-SIF and I survived. I know I will survive SIF as well. I want to live my life as fully and as joyfully as possible. If I have to do this without the second child of my dreams; then I will be okay.

Wasted Days

2010-09-10T14:20:00.009+12:00

I think I am finally at the point where if God does not want me to become a mother for the second time; then so be it - I will find something else to do with my life. It has taken me a looooong time to get to this place, so I most certainly do not say this lightly! But I am ready - ready for the next thing if God has an alternative plan for me.

It has been over two weeks since we were told by our social worker that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I have been checking the letter box ever since waiting for the official letter to say we are in the pool so we can start putting our profile together.

I am so ready for the next step - to write our profile and to give it our best shot and just to leave the rest to God. I'm done with trying to make this happen in my life - have another child. It has been almost four years of it and I am burned out. I had coffee with a friend today and said to her this whole experience has been like surviving a huge earthquake except now I'm living with the aftershocks. It is going to take me a while to heal from SIF/the adoption process - little ripples - and sometimes big ripples of grief have come up as we've moved through the adoption process. But I do think once we are in the "pool"; then I will truly be able to start moving on and living life as it is today.

I really have had enough of pouring all my time and energy into adding to our family. It has felt like such a big waste of time. Sure, maybe we will get picked by a birth family and if that happens no doubt I will be saying it was all worth it. But at this point in time, the whole thing just feels pretty old.

I am aware of how there is a big gap in my life where another baby was meant to be. Now that I am letting go of that perhaps not happening for us; the gap is more obvious. I'm not sure what I am meant to fill it with if we remain a family of three. For a while now I've attempted to use my spare time - the time I had hoped would have been for raising our second child - for my creative pursuits. But I'm not there yet. I am still healing. I seem to need a lot of downtime and time to just "be." We talked a bit more seriously about getting a dog last week - but I'm not sure it's the right time. But a dog is a possibility. I do think it would help us a family to heal from SIF. I've been aware of how sugar has sneaked back into my diet over the last few months and how I have in affect been comfort-eating during the adoption process. So I'm on a sugar detox right now as the sugar has been affecting me in mind, body and soul.

I accept that for now I will feel a bit lost as we linger on the last step of the adoption process - waiting to get the green light so we can put our profile together. I'm just ready to surrender - to let God sort this one out. All I can do is live each day as it comes and apply as much self-care and self-love as I can.

I went to the Dr today about the swollen glands I've had for a few days and mentioned how I still don't have the " closure letter" I've been waiting for from the infertility specialist I saw over six months ago! I have called a few times over the last few months but the specialist I saw has left and I guess nobody else is in a hurry to write the letter in his place. So I said to my Dr today that it was obvious I was in early menopause - as I haven't had a period in seven months and have had several bouts of no periods for six months at a time and just said I wanted some medical evidence. So she sent me off for some blood tests and I will get the results next week. There is still a part of me that wants a medical confirmation that what has gone on over the last few years (POF/early menopause) isn't in my head!!

I bumped into a Mum of Two from my former antenatal class at the gym today. She asked about the IF group I started and I updated her around where we are at with the adoption process. I was honest around how difficult aspects of the process are. She listened. It was good to be honest with a Mum of Two that I have envied - and no doubt still do a bit.

I am trying to keep an open mind and trust in the God of my understanding. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Magic happens." I think magic does happen - but obviously dreams don't always come true or perhaps they end up looking quite different to what we might have hoped. I also saw a calendar in a shop yesterday that was all about having a Plan B! I'm opening my heart and mind to the next thing - whatever it is. Someone from my IF group phoned earlier today and commented that I sounded like I was finding peace around my situation. Perhaps I am. I do talk to God and my unborn child a lot these days - asking them to help me to move on if my family is in fact complete.

My daughter moved up a class two weeks ago. She now has two afternoons a week in a room with a couple of other kids with ASD. This has meant I no longer really need to pull her out of school when she is overloaded, though I will always keep her home for the odd mental health day here and there. Although my daughter has been at school for almost six months, I find I am still adjusting to being a Mum of a school-age child. I do still feel the empty-nest syndrome most weeks when I have my two days off a week. I miss her. I miss having my "baby" at home. Ironically my Dr today, another Mum of two, shed some tears when I mentioned my daughter had moved on from her new entrant class! (She said she was premenstrual!). My Dr's children are at the same school and are older and my Dr was just having a moment! I guess many Mums feel the apron-strings loosening every time their child or children move up a class or reach another milestone. So no wonder those of us who want more children and perhaps won't have any more struggle with letting our only-children go.

At this point in time I don't know what God's Will is for me. But I don't want to spend the next two years in the pool for prospective adoptive parents hoping and waiting. I want to go into that pool next month (if it happens by then) feeling as though we've done everything we could thinking what will be, will be. I'm tired of pushing for things to go my way only to get the cold shoulder from God! If God doesn't want this for me (another child); then so be it. I just keep praying that I will be set free from this standstill soon that I have been in for a very long time. I do have some creative dreams in the pipeline. But it seems I can't move on to the next thing - if it ends up being about focusing on some creative goals - until we are in the pool. So just a few more weeks hopefully of limbolandness. After that, I really want to close the door on SIF and the adoption process as much as we possibly can. My time here is almost done!!

A lot to digest

2010-09-06T14:10:00.004+12:00

I would say moving from Plan A to Plan B is big for many women when it comes to creating their families. Unless an alternative way to add to one's family was worked out before trying for a biological child; I cannot see how anyone in this position wouldn't be faced with a huge amount of emotional garbage to work through.

Yet, this is not often a stage that is supported or even talked about much within even the SIF communities. For starters - it is still rare to find women who actually cannot conceive again ever. My experience over the last almost three years of being part of an online community is that eventually, most women do conceive. It really is such a different kettle of fish when a woman is either given a diagnosis or a reason for SIF as opposed to just taking a lot longer to conceive and maybe needing some intervention to get pregnant. I most certainly do think the women who eventually get pregnant with a biological child and have to endure years of SIF have been through their own hell. I do think that - one hundred percent. But they don't have to go on to reconcil a loss of a dream like the women who cannot conceive again do.

I am surprised by the lack of support both online and professionally around women moving on to add to their families through an alternate method. Moving through the adoption process, I have felt pressured to be healed from SIF, even though going through the process has triggered me relentlessly and has caused me to have to face the cold, hard facts: another biological child isn't coming our way.

Because we are opting for open adoption, which also comes with some pressure by the way, we are forced to accept the fact that our potential adopted child will have another family who will be in it's life. How frequently and what that contact will look will be determined by ourselves and a birth family - if we are picked. But my husband and I both feel at this point that open adoption feels like long-term fostering. We understand and agree with many of the reasons for encouraging and setting up an open adoption - but those decisions mean letting go of some elements of parenting a child that is biologically yours or a child that is exclusively yours. It is not an easy thing to get your head around. It hasn't been for me, anyway.

I have been reading through the notes we were given last year around adoption. They are pretty sobering - all the facts and figures around the issues an adopted child may have. There have been times over the last week or two where I've questioned if adoption is the right thing for us. But I guess only God in the end can and will decide if it is the right path for us.

I've also had to accept that adoption will be with us as a family for life. It is not like the old days when the baby was passed over and that was that - life just carried on - until the adopted child perhaps got curious about it's birth family. But with open adoption everyone in the adoption triad - birth family, prospective adoptive parents and adopted child come to the party with heartache. Sure, we are able to heal each other somewhat, but the cracks that are adoption will always be there. For all in the triad there will be times in life when adoption is more of a deal - and less of a deal. But it will always be part of us if it happens - part of our family. Our lives will be different to that of the average family with adoption in the equation. Some days it feels as if we will be taking on a lot.

We are still waiting for our official letter to say that we have been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Once that arrives then we can start putting our profile together. We should be in the pool by the end of October. I am tidying up a few loose ends at work "just in case". If I have to leave my job suddenly then I want everything to be sorted and ready for my replacement.

We have been considering adopting a dog! There is a huge gap in our family and I think a dog would be good for all of us. So we will see what happens. I don't want to rush out and get a band-aid dog so have been sitting on the fence about this one.

An intruder came into our home on Saturday afternoon when we were all home. It was a young guy on drugs. The police came fast and took him away which was good. We are all a bit freaked but it has helped me get SIF/the adoption process in perspective. There was also a major earthquake here in New Zealand this weekend just five hours from us. No-one was killed but there was lots of damage. Life feels a bit vulernable right now. More than ever I want to enjoy what I have - and to live for the day.

Loss

2010-09-02T10:38:00.011+12:00

It has been a hard week. I have had a big emotional backlash after our last appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services. So much has come up and I am trying to get my head around what it is exactly that is gnawing at me.

We got a booklet when we went to the Education and Preparation programme last year and I have been reading it the last few nights. It has helped me make sense somewhat of the mix of feelings that are up there right now. I found a reading about Loss which seems to be central to where I'm at. The article listed seven kinds of losses that an adopted child will live with, that adoptive parents need to be aware of. The article talked about working through losses before gains can be made. I so desperately want to move forward so I am going to give it a go.

This is how loss has looked for me/is because I cannot conceive another child:

* I have lost a big part of my identity as a woman going through early menopause which caused my SIF. I lost my right ovary due to ovarian torsion when my daughter arrived almost five and a half years ago. The menopausal symptons which came with having my ovary removed have affected my sexuality, my femininity and who I am now that I cannot conceive, and don't have periods. I cannot use my breasts to feed another child. My uterus is - useless. I have these womanly body parts that are kind of just - there. I also have a new body shape that has come with this change that I am adjusting to. It is taking me a while to accept my bloated abs!

* I have lost my self-esteem. Not being able to conceive again and dealing with the grief that comes with that has impacted my life greatly and how I see myself. I don't feel whole - I feel incredibly empty a lot of the time. I am a WIP in rebuilding myself up again.

* I have lost relationships either permanently or they have altered - there are few relationships I have that haven't been affected by me going through SIF/early menopause and now the adoption process. I've had to apply self-preservation a lot of time, having to carefully consider who is safe to disclose parts of my journey too. Sometimes my friends online are all I have as far as been able to connect to others who have either been there or are going through the same thing. Most of the time I just share bits and pieces with those in my support network. Invariably this often doesn't feel like enough but it seems SIF/the adoption process is something a woman must mainly go through alone.

* I have lost time with the family I have. This breaks my heart the most. I have tried to be the best mother possible but there is no denying that over the last almost four years I have had struggled with being present as a mother as I've dealt with my stuff. The same goes with my husband - our marriage has been impacted because of how big a loss this has all been to me. It is taking/will take time for us all to heal from SIF.

* I have lost time. The emotional processing is both exhausting and time-consuming. Although I have periods of time of feeling connected in my life - there are often times when the emotional side of things take over and I am unable to be as involved in my life as I'd like to be. I want to be further on from all this than I am but it's a big loss in my life and it will take as long as it takes to deal with it.

* I have lost direction. Losing a dream has caused me to question my whole life. Although I have a relationship with God, there are times when the not-knowing (especially for such a long period of time) has caused me to feel incredibly lost.

* I have lost God. Losing faith makes life feel so meaningless. There are times when the faith is there - but when it isn't - I feel as though I am at a complete standstill or go around in circles while been challenged by God's Will. I still do not understand how a desire doesn't always translate to a dream coming true. I have been angry and resentful towards God off and on for not granting me my wish!

* I have lost hope. I'm not sure I ever thought life was a fairytale. But until now I used to believe that everything works out in the end, no matter what life throws at you. Now I'm having to rethink my philosophies in life. Tragedy strikes in all of our lives at some point. Some tragedies are harder than others to reconcil. But it is hard to imagine life without grief in it right now. I've moved on from other personal crisis in my life, but this particular crisis feels like it will be with me for a long time.

* I have lost my place as a mother and as a woman. Secondary infertility is often described as been part-way between being part of the fertile world and the infertile world. I have a ticket to both worlds but neither really fit. I haven't felt comfortable around growing and completed families for some time now so have stepped away from many of my previous Mum connections. Although I have started an infertility support group, it is women with primary infertility who mainly attend and in that context, I can never completely be myself. Even with friends who have been through primary infertility or are going through it; there is an unspoken rift, no matter how close the friendship. Friends without children by choice have no comprehension of what SIF is all about so although there is the safety of no kids in tow with these friends; they are oblivious to my angst. It is hard to find women with SIF in real life - I haven't found a woman on the exact same path as me in my daily life and that causes me to feel incredibly alone at times.

* I have lost my sense of fun. Pre-SIF my life was filled with lighter moments in life. The last almost four years has added a heavy tone and seriousness to my life which is hard to turnaround. There are moments of peace, times of lightness - but my grief is tied to me always, no matter how positive and ok I am with my life as it stands at any given time. If this is the new me I'm afraid I will bore myself - if I haven't already (!) with the intensity that has come with hoping to add to our family.

* I have lost the dream of two biological children. Of course this is the obvious one. But so much falls under this umbrella - especially when looking at adoption as an option.
- There is the loss of two children being biologically linked/a family being biologically connected - The loss of physical and genetic similarities.
- The loss of rights as exclusive parents when looking into open adoption.
- The loss of a simple, straight-forward nuclear family.
- The loss of privacy - if we adopt; it will be obvious to many who know us well and not so well.

* The loss of pregnancy/childbirth and breastfeeding - This was such a big chapter around bonding/connecting with my daughter. I know I will miss these things if we get to adopt. Especially meeting a potential adopted child for the first time - "taking" a baby off it's mother, despite the fact she has consented, still feels like an awful and selfish thing to be hoping to do!

* The loss of some of our potential adopted child's life - another biggee. This is about history/time itself - it will probably be a few weeks that our potential adopted child will be living either with it's birth family or in foster care. Or the child might be older in which case there could be months or years that we have not a lot of insight into. There is no lead-up without a pregnancy to plan and get excitied - no time to paint a nursery or go shopping for baby clothes. If it happens it will be sudden (probably a few weeks notice - though maybe even days) and it will be a bit of a whirlwind.

I'm sure there's more stuff going on for me around this theme, but it does help to start the ball rolling and to start writing about it.

The infertility support group was on last night. There were just three of us. It was a good meeting but the numbers have been low the last couple of meetings so I am going to create and send out a questionnaire to see if we perhaps don't need to meet so frequently (monthly) if the interest isn't there. The meetings would have been running for a year next month. I value the meetings but the IF vs SIF dynamic does make it tricky and I often feel guilty, even within a meeting (which is meant to be my safe place), for being a Mum of One.

My daughter has been asking daily about adopting lately. In particular "What happens if we can't adopt? " Or words to that effect. I just say that we have to hope - we have to wait and see. Poor thing - she really looks quite upset at times around what must feel like a complicated way to hope to add to our family. I never do the doom and gloom thing with her. I try to be as upbeat as possible wheenver it comes up. She has said this week that a brother is okay too now - up until this point it was always a sister that she wanted!

If it isn't meant to be

2010-09-01T16:26:00.006+12:00

If it isn't meant to be
Then why God do you tease me so
Showing me completed families
Everywhere I go

If it isn't meant to be
Then why does my heart break
It's been almost four years
That's a very long time to wait

If it isn't meant to be
Why is this desire in my being
It really would be so much easier
Not to live in the in-between

If it isn't meant to be
Then I wish you would let me go
Show me a different dream
Because I've got nowhere else to go

If it isn't meant to be
Then please set me free
My daughter wants a sister
She's been waiting forever it seems

If it isn't meant to be
I wish you'd tell me soon
I've had enough of waiting
I want to sing another tune

If it isn't meant to be
Then this all feels like a waste of time
Another child was all I wanted
A little person to call mine

In My Head

2010-08-29T16:02:00.009+12:00

Post last appointment with our social worker in regards to the adoption process; I have been doing a lot of processing. I guess every step brings us one step closer to an ending. I feel as though my head is in adoption-overload right now and I can't seem to switch it off. It no doubt hasn't helped that I have been into the Adoption forum in Dailystrength. I joined some time ago but don't go in there much as the vibe is often a bit fraught with hurt from all sides of the adoption triad. But I've been in the last two days and all it's done is increase my anxieties around open adoption.

My husband and I have pretty much worked out our "contact plan" - which is something that is worked out by prospective adoptive parents and is added to individual profiles so birth families can get a sense of how an open adoption might look with any given family. I thought ours was quite generous, yet our social worker hinted that we should be a bit more flexible within our profile, just so birth families know there is room to move if that is desired or appropriate further down the line.

It is taking me a long time to get my head around open adoption. I will admit that. To find out that if we get picked, it will most likely be by a birth family in the same town was a bit of a shock this week. We live in a town of 40,000. Surely we are going to end up bumping into the birth family. I know we are going for an open adoption but it just feels a bit uncomfortable at the moment - having to envisage a birth family in our lives - and being in contact when arranged but perhaps sometimes when not arranged if we are living in the same town. We are quite a private, quiet family in lots of ways with family living out of town. It is hard to image a birth family living in the same town being in frequent contact.

I suppose looking within that Adoption forum this weekend I read a few comments from adult adopted children. I cannot help but think that our potential child might be registered on such a site twenty years from now, even with an open adoption! It seems there will always be issues with adoption - no matter how open the adoption or how loving the adoptive parents are. It is just the way it is.

And I accept the differences for the most part between adoption and having a biological child. Yet every time I make a shift in my thinking and accept something else about the adoption process; I am having to say goodbye to an aspect of having a biological child. I know that these issues will probably continue to crop up, even if we get picked by a birth family. How can I not compare going to a foster home or birth family to take away someone else's baby to being in hospital with my newborn daughter surrounded by loving gifts and flowers from friends and family?

AF tried to arrive this week. By tried, I mean I got some spotting and that was it. Some months I get spotting, some months I get nothing. It has been over six months since AF came for a visit and it is just adds salt to the SIF wound sometimes; that my periods have stopped. Although some of my menopausal symptoms have settled down; I do feel odd to not be menstruating at 42. Really my periods started disappearing over three years ago. But it has taken me a while to adjust to being in early menopause.

I've had a couple of people of late make that if you relax and/or let go it will happen comment - as in pregnancy. I've had to blantantly tell them that I am biologically unable to conceive as POF or early menopause is irreversible.

Guess I'm feeling so many feelings right now: some lingering anger at my reproductive situation, confusion around open adoption and just plain emotional exhausation from all the processing. I don't like being in a bad place - especially when I've had weeks of feeling ok. But I should expect that turbulent feelings will continue to appear every now and then. I want to be healed and done and dusted with all of this but I guess I've still got some things to get my head around.

I have been thinking too of late how now I am 42, I am in a new 7 year cycle. Some claim that life can be broken into seven year cycles. I don't constantly think about it, but often when I'm on the brink of leaving a cycle, I can feel change in the air. So I do feel it - new things ahead within this new cycle. The last one 35 - 42 was for me all about settling down/getting married/starting a family/buying a house - all that stuff. No wonder I was peeved within that cycle that I never got to finish our family! But I will get to finish our family in the next cycle - either as a family of three as we exist today - or perhaps as a family of four. I just want life to be about other things now - and more than that - I just want to enjoy what I have rather than being focused on what I don't have. God help me to let this all go. I'm having a hard time doing so today.

In The Meantime

2010-08-29T09:50:00.003+12:00

Now that we are near the end of the adoption process and all we pretty much have to do is write a profile and submit it (into the prospective adoptive parents pool); I find myself feeling a bit lost all over again. It is a strange place to be. There is a lot of relief to have reached this point, excitement on one hand on what could happen, and then fear on another hand around what might not happen. This is it for us - our last chance at parenthood for the second time. How can I not be feeling a little vulnerable?

When we first got the news that we had been unofficially accepted into the prospective adoptive parents this week I felt quite open about it and shared the news with friends and family who I was in contact with. However I have shut down around our news now and don't feel like sharing it much at all. I suppose I will continue to have ups and downs even within this time of nearing the end of the adoption process - and probably even when we are waiting in the pool. It's not like a place of one hundred percent acceptance and peace is ever achieved - I do have to remind myself of that - I'm only human and we are putting ourselves out there right now.

We went to a one year old birthday party yesterday. It was very sweet. But one of the relatives there knows about our adoption plans and I had never told her directly. I just didn't want to update her, so when she asked I just said something like everything was just moving along. She also commented on the newspaper article about me and the IF group I started - within a group of people I didn't know. I just didn't want to share my SIF stuff in that context. I'm open to a certain extent, but there is a time and a place for talking about SIF, I do believe. I just wasn't in the mood.

I guess some feelings have come up again post-SIF and post-adoption process. I know I am in a much better place these days. The resentments I used to have towards of Mums of more than one child are subsiding. I think I will actually be able to go and have a cuppa soon with the neighbour across the road whose third child was born about two months ago. I am able to talk more to Mums of more than one about their offspring now. I even commented to one Mum of two yesterday at the swimming pool that her kids were gorgeous - because they were.

There is just a wee sadness sitting with me today. Grief, I guess. I suppose giving myself permission to move on from SIF is harder some days than other days. Carrying on with life sometimes feels as though I am giving up on a dream. I want to make the most of my life as it stands today but the ghost of the child that hasn't yet come to us haunts me a lot of the time.

This week, just a few days before my birthday was my due date from three years ago. Our second child would have been three years old. I spoke to her on that day and said if she wanted to stay in the spirit world/in heaven then that was fine. I said I just wanted her to be happy and that we all missed her and that I loved her. It might sound strange, but for the last three years I have felt the spirit of a female around me. She is there but whether or not she will join our family; I don't know.

In the meantime I just have to keep focusing on today - to keep being gentle with myself while allowing myself to hope and dream.

Our final appointment with our social worker

2010-08-26T15:46:00.004+12:00

We had our last appointment with our social worker yesterday. Coincidentally, it was my 42nd birthday. We covered a lot of ground and were told that we have unofficially been accepted into the prospective adoptive parents pool. Our social worker has approved us but we still need to go through a couple of more channels more before getting an official ok. Our social worker gave us the information for writing our profile, so we can start to think about that.

It does feel good to have reached this point - pretty much the end of the adoption process. Reactions from friends and family have been mixed. I cannot help but feel a little disappointed by the reaction of some friends and family. For the most part, people don't know what to say. I guess they have no comprehension really of all we've been through to get this point. If I was announcing I was pregnant I would be receiving hugs and congratulations. The adoption process is described by some as a "paper pregnancy" and I really believe that it is the case. Just as if you were pregnant; you put your heart and soul into the adoption process and have to imagine a child that may come to you one day. One friend did actually say today "it's like you're pregnant" which was nice of her to say.

I guess as a couple we are being relatively open around our adoption plans. I haven't shared our plans with my work-place, however, but will have to once our profile goes into the prospective adoptive parents pool. I guess I am keen to continue to educate and advocate that there are other options to adding to one's family.

I worry sometimes that our potential adopted child may possibilibly get treated differently to our biological daughter by some family members. I suppose none of our family live in the same town so nobody has followed us closely in this process - I feel as though our motives aren't clearly understood. But really it is about our family and our desire to add to it that is the most important thing of all. Although extended family do play a part in our lives, it really isn't in a hands-on kind of a way. We just visit each other as much as we can.

I do feel a lot of relief to be at this stage in the adoption process. Our daughter has been talking about having a little sister a lot lately - almost every day. She even got her magnetic letters and asked how to spell Isobel - as she thinks that is what her little sister should be called! We are just going with it - allowing her to dream. It is a possibility that she might get a sibling at this point in time so I'm not going to squash her hopes though I do gently remind her that a baby might come - not that one is coming.

We found out yesterday that there are around eight or nine couples hoping to adopt in the town we live in and that three adoptions took place in this town last year. The odds feel promising to us though of course the numbers don't really mean a lot; it is more about the choice made by any given birth family.

Although I would say I am in a good space around SIF and the adoption process, silly comments do continue to irk me at times! Over the last week there have been a few incidences. It was hard to hear a Mum at a children's party last weekend while holding her baby declaring it was her last - I did get a pang of jealousy hearing another woman talking openly about her fertility. A friend commented when I said I had done some healing because of the IF group I started "And then you have your daughter..." - she may as well have sid "At least you have one. " In one second SIF was minimised and the comment made my blood boil. My husband and I stayed on for the first ten minutes one morning at school this week. The class was talking about babies on the way and babies who had just been born. I felt so bad for our daughter sitting there quietly while these conversations were going on. I know she feels excluded on some level that she doesn't have a sibling - or one on the way. Also at the birthday party we went to last weekend when all the kids were in a circle about to play parce-the-parcel they were talking about things and one of the questions was, who has a brother or sister at home? I guess I have dealt with enough of my SIF stuff to see and know that my daughter's desire to have a sibling is very real. I have never brought up the topic. Not once. I only ever elaborate if she starts talking about it.

I look forward to the day - at the latest in two years from now - when this is all over. Whatever happens. I look forward to concluding this long episode in our lives of hoping to add to our family. If we don't get picked by a birth family, it will be good to be able to tell our daughter that we tried and it wasn't meant to be. Although I have moved on a lot from SIF and am ready to let go of the adoption option soon too - in the sense that what will be, will be - I know there will be a part of me that will remain in limbo until the day this is all finished. I have found peace again but my heart still wants and needs an ending sometime soon. I know I can do it for another two years - wait and hope - but after that (if not before) I just want to embrace my life as it stands today.

Living in the in-between

2010-08-19T13:13:00.008+12:00

I read a recovery book recently called Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses. The title of the book is spot-on with where I'm at in my "SIF recovery."

Things are shifting and I know that I am gaining some perspective back in my life. SIF is more in the past than in the present these days. I really do see it as something I went through. This is particularly apparent when I talk to other women who are in the earlier stages of their IF journey's. I can see my own growth and healing through others stories. It is a relief to be on the other side of it all. Perhaps I will never be one hundred percent healed - but I am at least starting to feel whole again.

I was at the swimming pool with my daughter last weekend surrounded by families of many. But instead of seeing the children I wanted; I just saw children. I was able to look at siblings and be intrigued by their similarities and differences rather than feeling full of envy that I didn't have a couple of kids myself. For so long other people's additions have been representations of the child I couldn't have and so desperately wanted. The desperation is fading. I have been asking for God's help to move on and I guess He is helping me to do that.

My daughter continues to ask about a sibling and is fascinated, I suppose, or at least likes to talk about why I can't have any more children. Those conversations do tug at my heart-strings but I think talking about/being open about it is the best thing we can do as a family. One day the topic will make more sense for all of us. When our two years is up in the prospective adoptive pool then we will be able to find complete peace as a family.

We have a bit more paperwork to fill out around the adoption process. Our next appointment is next Thursday which is concidentially my 42nd birthday, and possibly our last appointment. We were meant to go in today actually for an appointment but I altered it as I wanted to go to the theatre with my daughter's school to see Peter And The Wolf. We've only delayed the adoption process by a week which isn't much, in the grand scheme of things. It felt good to choose an outing with my daughter over the bid to add another child to our family. My daughter has invariably suffered because of SIF, even if just subtly. I guess in time I will make the appropriate amends to her - but for now just enjoying and relishing my Mum-of-one time speaks volumes for the two of us.

Our social worker wants us to answer a few questions by email as she wants to wind things up soon as our appointment times are shorter than she'd like them to be because of my husbands availability during the working week. The thing is, although on one hand I want to be done and dusted with this adoption process I do, on the other hand, want to take our time and not feel pushed into completing it. I have been processing a lot emotionally as we've gone through the process and have needed the time between appointments to digest things.

For me the adoption process - particularly these last few months where we have picked things up again after stopping the process for eight months - has come with a lot of healing. It hasn't always been easy as it has been about truly letting go of our original dream to have another biological child. But somehow, letting go of this dream while we continue to open up ourselves to the possibility of adopting a child has put a lot more distance between myself and SIF.

Now that I can look back at my life and acknowledge other painful losses that I survived; I can now see that I have also survived SIF. It was I think one of the biggest losses in my life to go through - mainly because of how invisible SIF is to the rest of the world and all the misconceptions that come with it. I think for me a lot of spiritual and emotional growth has come about because of SIF and this can be summarised by the following excerpt:
"We may fear that if we let go of our old hopes and dreams, we won't have anything to take their place. These fears are natural enough. When we let go of our old dreams, we may need to stand in a place of not knowing for a while. This in-between place may feel uncomfortable, yet it is often the place where we can begin to build new dreams. It is this place of not knowing that, for many of us, becomes an integral part of our spiritual growth." (P. 169, Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses)

I did write a bucket list over the last week which isn't actually that long. I lived a pretty full life before SIF so have done many things I wanted to do in life. Seeing the bucket list written down has helped me see that although SIF/the adoption process has interrupted a good (almost) four years of my life; it hasn't impacted on the rest of my dreams. I lost one very big dream - to have another child and SIF buried the rest of my dreams in the process. For a long time I was afraid to dream. But I am ready to start resurrecting some of these dreams again. I have decided to give myself until we are finished with the adoption process and then I will start up, in particular, some of my creative dreams again. I am ready to finish the adoption process soon and to just carry on with things - which is all we can do anyway.

A friend I haven't seen for a while who went through IF and has completed her family commented that I wouldn't want to be too old (adding to our family) when I shared that we were almost done with the adoption process. Believe me I didn't want to be hoping to add to our family in my early-40s but it is just the way it has turned out. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt from SIF is that life comes with the unexpected; some things can be planned for in life but some unforeseeable events happen which can change the course of our lives. Not only that: the unexpected can rock our inner worlds in ways we never thought imaginable. It has taken me a long, long time to reach this place I am in today in which faith and hope is emerging again. After years of grappling with pain, loss and grief, it is certainly reassuring to know that I have made progress during this in-between time in my life.

On trusting God, trusting life

2010-08-12T12:57:00.004+12:00

I just had a good friend round for a cuppa. She's a very special friend to me in lots of ways. In her mid-60s, she has experienced her fair share of grief and loss in her life. The most heart-breaking of all was losing two of her adult sons (out of six children) several years apart. Her losses have given her an incredible insight and understanding with loss in any form in life. For that reason, I feel so safe and heard when I share with her about SIF and adoption.

I have found out so many things about myself on this almost four year journey to add to our family. I guess what I've realised lately is my whole perspective on life has shifted as a consequence of this journey. In my early-20s I lost three friends within five years. It was a shock to realise how abruptly life could end. It sparked me to live my life as if there was no tomorrow. I ended up travelling, having lots of fun, studying - I crammed a lot of life into those years as I feared I might run out of time and didn't want to look back at a wasted life - or worse, thought I better make the most of things in case my time too might get cut short.

The early deaths of my friends caused me to feel so vulnerable for quite some time in life. Yet they weren't the only life events that cause me to become wide open. I had several destructive relationships also in my twenties - some came with infidelity and that really rocked me to the core. I could not understand how someone else could cheat on a person they supposedly loved. It took me a long time to get over that.

So I am a seasoned traveller as far as the misfortunes, disappointments and heartbreaks in life go. Yet somehow, even with this stuff happening in my life, I have tried to make the most of what I have.

SIF was of course another season of major loss in my life that brought me to my knees perhaps in more ways than the former mentioned personal tragedies. I guess with death there eventually comes acceptance that everyone dies some time - even if their time here was too short. With infidelity I learnt a lot about myself - the importance of self-love and wholeness when choosing a partner/starting a relationship helps. I wasn't a "whole woman" when I dated the men who broke my heart. And, as painful as breakups can be, there are always more fish in the sea.

SIF has been the most challenging personal tragedy of all to reconcile because quite simply, what does replace the longing for another child? Almost four years into this quest to add to our family; and I've no idea. Adoption is our Plan B. We are nearly through the adoption process. It has been somewhat harrowing but I've pretty much survived it. At least we are one step closer to a conclusion/an ending to hoping to add to our family. At the most I might only have to wait another two years to find out how it's all going to end.

Because of SIF and living with the grief that comes with not being able to conceive; I have learnt how unexpected losses in life can change us forever. At one point I thought I was wasting my life processing all this grief. But the philosophies I had as a 20-something no longer apply. Sure, I don't know when my time will be up but I now have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am wired. I entered recovery some 14 years ago and have chosen a spiritual path - life is no longer about achievements for me - it is about spiritual and emotional growth.

Yet I do want to make the most of the time I have left on this planet, so am taking on a little of my 20-something attitude as I am going to write my bucket list - a list of things I hope to do before I die. I know I will feel - or do feel - in limbo all over again now that we are close to being in the prospective adoptive parents pool. So if I can start ticking off some things on my bucket list; then perhaps I won't feel as though life isn't moving anywhere.

Having said that (that life isn't moving anywhere), I do have a sense of late that my life is moving forward. I do feel God's hand in my life. Little things are coming together. Like I've now been in my job for nine months and I feel quite comfortable/settled in it. We've been in our first home for five months now - and I also feel both comfortable and settled here. We will be getting a significant amount of tax back soon which we are going to put aside as an emergency fund but also for lawyers fees/travelling to pick up a baby - if we get picked by a birth family. It is such a relief to know we have that money already. I also phoned up family assistance and found out we are eligible for the equivalent of $60NZ less a week that I currently bring in through my job. This means I would be able to either quit my job and be a fulltime Mum again for at least a year - or perhaps get a years maternity leave. Either way, I won't have to put our potential child into childcare under the age of one which is a huge relief!

Our next appointment with our social worker is meant to be next Thursday but I will have to change the time if not date as it clashes with a trip to the theatre my daughter is going on, and I really want to go too. Although I am keen to wind things up on the adoption front; I still don't feel a sense of urgency to complete the process. God is guiding us through the process in his own time and way. I have more faith and hope at the moment that my life will open up again soon - whatever the future holds on the baby front.

I don't want to be that woman

2010-08-06T09:36:00.005+12:00

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who suffers a big challenge in life and becomes a beckon of hope for other women. I don't want to be her. I want to experience my own miracle.

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who has lost faith and hope that dreams can come true. The one whose life has shrunk considerably in reaction to a very big loss.

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who is challenged being around women who have what I want. I don't want to be full of envy. I want to share motherhood with other women instead of feeling like I don't fit in.

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who has spent almost four years wanting another child. I hate that this desire has taken away from the enjoyment of being a Mum of one. I wish God would help me move on as I don't know how.

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who cries behind closed doors everytime she sees another baby or another sibling is added to another family. I want to feel complete with what I have. God help me to find peace within all this.

I don't want to be that woman...

The one who feels stuck in life. I seem to have lost all direction and it has killed my spirit. God help me to find my place in this life again.

The Home Visit

2010-08-05T11:58:00.002+12:00

We had our home visit this morning. It was our third appointment within six weeks with our assigned Social Worker from Adoption Services. It went well. I always seem to get pretty nervous about these appointments three or four days out - and especially this one, being in our home and all. But it was okay. We are making progress. We have another appointment at Adoption Services in two weeks time. We've been given a small amount of paperwork to do before then. Our social worker today said in so many words that we've pretty much made it into the pool - that there was nothing of concern to indicate that we wouldn't be accepted as prospective adoptive parents. We will receive an official letter telling us we have been accepted in the near future - as is the protocol with Adoption Services.

I have been in a wierd space of late. A friend in her sixties passed away last week from terminal cancer and I went to the funeral. I knew her well in some respects - but I didn't know her family. To hear her grandchildren saying prayers for her in the church with a microphone really got to me. I guess I have always thought that life is about the relationships we have ultimately - with our friends and family. As I watched her children and grandchildren sharing stories and prayers about her; I just felt so confused somehow about my own path - and that confusion is still sitting there a week later. I have been questioning what it's all about - life - as is probably natural after going to a funeral. I feel all I have been trying to do for the last almost four years is complete a family. I never expected life to be perfect because I know it isn't. But it still doesn't seem right and fair that this very basic need of mine to have my family completed is such a challenge. I feel as though life hasn't yet started properly for me somehow with all this waiting around for another child.

I just feel so frustrated and annoyed about the whole deal all over again. I have accepted my grief around this gap that exists in my heart and therefore within our family to have another child. But I seem to be stuck in this place of limbo-land and cannot move too far forward; no matter how hard I try - or want to try.

If God doesn't want me to mother another child then I would like to know what the hell I am meant to be doing on this planet. I feel lost and without a true purpose right now. Some people have strong vocations or passions in life but I am not really one of them. I cannot help but wonder that since motherhood has been the only vocation and true passion in my life thus far; and if I can't do it again - well, what am I meant to do?

I bought some canvasses the other week and have two entry forms for a couple of short story competitions coming up. But the desire to be creative isn't really there right now. I just don't seem to have any get up and go.

Throughout SIF/the aftermath of SIF I got the opportunity to get to know myself very well. I feel as though I understand myself in mind, body and soul. But who I am in the world/what I am meant to do - I have no idea. I guess for now I just have to continue "being" and praying for God to show me where He wants me to go.

Pre-SIF I was striving and achieving in life and somehow, post-SIF, it is as though I have no goals or ambition left. I feel as though I am functioning at a very basic level and my life is pretty small. Because of early menopause; I have to keep my life simple. I guess I am partly grieving the woman I used to be four years ago - the vibrant, fun Mum who had so many creative pursuits and interests.

I no longer let SIF or my experience of SIF define me - but it has most certainly affected me. I wonder if I will ever find my inner-zing again or if this is the new me - flat as a pancake most of the time.

I had the infertility support group meeting last night. Just two of us attended. It was okay - good in lots of ways. I have committed to hosting the group monthly for the rest of the year. But if numbers are for the most part small, then I might consider running bimonthly meetings in 2011. I will of course talk to the group about it as the year comes to a close.

I am rundown in mind, body and soul right now. Physically I am in need of some pampering, spiritually I need to continue to strengthen my relationship with God and mentally I just need to continue to rest. It just continues to seem to be a time of rest and recuperation as I deal with the aftermath of SIF and we go through the adoption process.

The neighbour across the road, who had her third child recently asked me round for a cuppa sometime. It was nice of her but I am in two minds about it. I told her I would once her Mum had left. I guess I can make it a quick visit. Her baby must be about four weeks old now. My husband and I went to a school assembly the other week and our daughter got an award at assembly - and then this neighbour's daughter read a story out she had written about her new baby brother and how much she loved him. It is still after all this time, so hard to hear an older sibling talking about a younger sibling.

My daughter has had some pretty bad meltdowns of late - one left me with scratches on my face. Sometimes I wonder if God thinks we have enough on our plates with just one child with ASD. If He thinks that I really wish he'd take my desire away to add to our family. Close to four years seems like too much time to be waiting - it feels like such a waste.

Dare I Dream A Little

2010-07-25T08:59:00.003+12:00

It feels as though this last quarter of the adoption process is going relatively fast. In between appointments with our assigned Social Worker I am a bundle of nerves. But I am fine once we are in there - being questioned as such - about every aspect of our lives.

After over three years of SIF I felt so ripped off by the God of my understanding. I felt like I only wanted one little thing, really - to be a mother again - to have another biological child. It turned out that was a big thing to ask for, in God's eyes. It wasn't so simple in the end - it was request God was unable to fulfill.

Naturally - well, I think it has been a natural response - I've been a little peeved at God. I do not understand and probably never will get why motherhood comes so, so easily for many women - even to women who don't even want it.

Yet God has directed me down the path of adoption. We have been warned that the chances of it working out are slim by the social workers themselves. Well, in so many words they have given us the stats and said we could get picked the next day after going into the prospective adoptive parents pool - or we may never get picked. It really is that black and white.

I have been trying to hold back with my adoption fantasies. I said to my husband that when a close friend comes to stay at the end of the year, with her one year old that we could have two babies in the house! He looked at me blankly. "You know, adoption..." I said. But he responded by saying it was most unlikely that would happen. So I took off my rose-coloured glasses and have been leaning more on the pessimistic side of adoption working out for us lately. But that is no fun. It is not good for one's psyche thinking in the long-term that dreams are unlikely to be delivered. So I've decided, because we are only in the pool for two years, why not dream a little. Because dreams are free, aren't they?

I find it so hard to live in the grey - to think that adoption could - or couldn't work out. I guess I will change a lot in the way I sit within the adoption process over the next few months and the time that we are in the actual prospective adoptive parents pool. Once again this limbo-land place with adding to our family impacts our lives in both small and significant ways. Other Mums I know of one child the same age as mine are retraining/changing jobs or looking to the next thing now that their child is settled at school. But I cannot plan too far ahead; just in case we get "the call" - the call telling us that we have been picked by a birth family.

So I'm not sure what exactly I am meant to be doing with myself as we head towards the end of the adoption process. Some creative urges have started up again so I guess I will go with those - paintings and short stories. I just cannot help but feel as though I am waiting for a big part of my life to "start" and I am almost 42! I am so looking forward to the day when the door is closed on all this - that we are either given another child - or not. Just to have an answer, a conclusion will be a relief at this stage - whatever it is.

Sarah McLachlan's song Angel has always been an amazing song to me. But right now some of the lyrics seem so apt for where I'm at - hoping and waiting for a second chance to add to our family.

Another appointment with our social worker ticked off

2010-07-22T12:47:00.003+12:00

We had our second official appointment with Adoption Services - with our assigned Social Worker this morning. I have been quite nervous about the appointment and was quite churned up about it this morning but it went fine. It wasn't so bad once we were in there. We have our next appointment in two weeks - this time the social worker will meet us in our home.

I feel such a mix of feelings all over again. It is so hard to know how to feel so I guess I just have to go with how I feel at any given time within the adoption process. It felt really good to write about "envy" in my last post. I really needed to get it out. I cannot beat myself up for feeling envious at times of those women that have what I want - a second child. It is unfortunately part and parcel of the SIF deal. Show me a woman who doesn't get jealous of women with their completed families who is trying to start or complete her family - I find it hard to believe that such a woman exists.

I feel a bit more excited and hopeful about adoption today. My husband and I do both feel the adoption process is moving us somewhere - it might be to go down the fostering path - we will just have to wait and see. After our appointment today I thought - I think we both felt - that we are great parents. In many ways fostering is the obvious option - particularly from a social worker's perspective. My husband said it himself.

I feel some self-pride today. Proud that I went through SIF and allowed myself to be exactly where I needed to be throughout it all and that I am doing the same within the adoption process. There are ups and downs within the adoption process and I will just have to ride them out. It is so different to SIF in that it isn't about me personally anymore - it's not about my body and what it can't/didn't do. It's about us as a couple and what we can offer for a child who is being adopted - and what we can offer a birth family.

Our colourful pasts - divorced and blended families and the experience of going through SIF - not to mention raising a child with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) means we have been through a lot of loss and change and challenges already in our lives. We are equipped to take on a child that isn't biologically ours and all that comes with the triad of open-adoption. I feel excited in some respects that a birth family might come into our lives. Everything happens for a reason. I always believe that. If an adopted child comes our way; I believe we are meant to be connected to a birth family.

Anyway, after the appointment in two weeks time we will be close to finishing all our appointments! Our social worker said there may be some additional questions. So perhaps we will hear in August whether or not we have been accepted as prospective adoptive parents. When we have we can get on to writing our profile which should be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October - if not earlier.

We bought a bed a couple of weeks ago - just a single one for our third bedroom. It feels as though someone is coming - that the bed will be used at some point. So our third bedroom is currently set up as my office/bedroom.

I phoned up the infertility specialists before who I saw in February...I am still waiting for my "closure letter" - five months later! Even though it is painfully obvious that I am in early menopause; my Dr and gynos won't treat me until I have such a letter to confirm that is what is going on. Plus I just really, really want the letter for closure reasons. AF has tried to come the last few months but to no avail. I think I might be close to being on the other side of going through menopause. I could be post-menopausal at 42 (you have to have 12 months of no periods to be classed as having gone through menopause). My symptoms continue to be aggravated when I am stressed and/or haven't had enough sleep or rest. But for the most part I am managing my symptoms 100% naturally and doing well. I probably need to have some bone density tests since I have been through menopause relatively young in life - I do believe I started menopause at the age of 38 - almost four years ago when we ironically started trying to conceive our second child.

I guess I am slowly getting the answers to some of the questions that have plagued me for a while. I feel some peace today. I will continue to stay close to God and to allow Him to show me the way. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Envy

2010-07-21T14:04:00.003+12:00

On the eve of our second offical appointment with our social worker from Adoption Services; I find myself riddled with envy. The fear I am living with; that adoption may not work out for us; makes it so very hard to live comfortably alongside all the Mums out there that have what I want - a completed family.

I feel so bad that I haven't yet acknowledged the baby that has been born to the family across the road from us. It is their third child. I kind of know the Mum through Kindy connections. I guess we are acquaintances only so I can get away with not acknowledging her baby for a while longer before it borders on being rude.

The baby must be a couple of weeks old now. On Monday it was the first day back at school and I saw her walking down the street looking so, so proud with her tribe - her five year old, her three (?) year old and her newborn. Her Mum or Mum-in-law was with her. A happy little bunch of family unity - it was almost as though God was directly smiling down on them. The MOTH (mother-of-three) looked like the cat that had gotten the cream. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, how radiant and content she looked. How proud she was to show off her newest addition to the family to all the school-Mums as she dropped her eldest daughter off at school. I was about to say "congratulations" but choked up when I saw all the other Mums swarming in to take a peek at her baby. I was so eaten alive with jealousy - and still am - I just find it easiest to keep a very wide berth right now.

I remember what it felt like to walk around with a new bundle of joy. The attention and the love was incredible. It was as if I had done something pretty incredible by creating a life and it felt so amazing. What Mum doesn't want to recreate that? I still feel so robbed that I will not get a repeat performance of conception/pregnancy/birth.

What I hate about SIF and the aftermath of SIF (well one of the things), is all the self-questioning. The way I have to justify to myself and to others why I want to be a Mum all over again. The Mums like the one across the road never had to. For them it is the norm, just spitting out another one. Yet I am in the spotlight now as an outted woman who went through SIF. I am the greedy one somehow because I am pushing past what is perhaps meant to be my fate - and trying to add to our family via adoption.

I have to plead my case before Social workers, before friends and family, before people I don't even know - and most of all - before God. I feel (once again) that my desire for another child is selfish. Just a couple of nights a go someone I work with commented that he saw my article about the infertility support group I started in the paper. He thought I had been through primary infertility and was quite sympathetic. When I said I had a child he swiftly changed his tune. He pulled out the usual" At least you have one child" card.

It's four days since my half-siblings left. I miss the chaos of three kids in the house together. I won't deny it was challenging having so many kids under one roof - but I felt like I did a really good job of mothering them all - and I enjoyed it. For one week I felt complete.

Some of my family of origin stuff has been triggered post-extended family visit. I wonder if my desire for another addition to our family is about healing old wounds. I get angry that I should even have to question why I want another child. Surely the want and desire is enough? It's enough for the majority of families out there.

I just feel as though I am missing something. It is as if there is one giant piece of the jigsaw puzzle has been lost and the pieces I have so far around my quest to add to our family don't make sense.

I desperately want to move on from being in this holding pattern and the only way I can do so is by completing the adoption process - I need to be done and dusted with that before I can completely start to make peace with this rather looooooong chapter in my life. I keep losing me throughout this process - first through SIF and now in the aftermath/the adoption process - I don't know who I am or what I want to be anymore.

If God doesn't grant me my wish to have another child, then I cannot help but take it personally that I am not good-enough in God's eyes to parent two children. And out of all the careers and various jobs I've had over the years; motherhood is the only job I have felt like I have really fitted in. I have heard some women say that they were born to be mothers. I felt like that when my daughter came along. But now she is fulltime in school and while I'm working part-time I still have time free in the week to do whatever - what exactly, I'm not sure. Sure, I enjoy going to the gym/having coffee with friends and making watching pre-recorded episodes of my favourite NZ soap. But there is a part of me that wants to keep doing the Mumsy stuff. I cannot quite accept that there isn't this other little one in tow at home getting under my feet and in my way as I do all the nesting stuff I enjoy.

My life feels like one big fat mystery at this moment in time. But I don't want to permanently be miserable. So I will do everything in my power to endure this trying life - I will apply as much self-care as I possibly can - and I will try to smell the roses. Despite of myself and what life has (or hasn't) offered me at this point of time; I do have fleeting moments of feeling connected to God. Like sitting on our backdoor step in the sunshine in the weekend and remembering how once we thought we were so priced out of the property market that we would never own our own home. Well we are now four months into home ownership and I am extremely grateful for that. It is a dream that came true and I have to remember that some good stuff has happened over the last (almost) four years since we started trying to add to our family. God has delivered some miracles.

I don't know what the future will bring. I know big disappointments in life often leave me afraid to dream too big for a while. I am back in that place. Scared and hurt that because we cannot conceive again; that I will not be a mother again. It has been like going through two separate deaths. The first one was so personal - that biologically my body was unable to make a baby again. It took such a long, long time to comprehend that. Now I'm having to accept that we may possibly not get picked by a birth family - we might - or we might not. I'm sure once we've been through this adoption process, I will have healed and accepted the status quo a little more. There is still so much more to take in - to digest. I'm trying to be gentle and to just roll with the punches. One Day At A Time - it always comes back to that.

Making sense of the universe

2010-07-18T19:28:00.008+12:00

Sometimes I think too much. I over-analyse things and get myself so wound up and confused that I don't know what is what. I feel as I move from SIF waters into the (serious) adoption process waters that I am in a mind-f**k all over again. It is so hard to just let it all go - to trust the universe - to go with the flow - and to let what will be, be.

I find myself feeling a mix of feelings all over again. Angry and resentful for one that I should even have to be in this position of going through the adoption process. Angry and resentful that we are putting ourselves through this process which might not actually work out for us. We are taking a risk while letting go of a big dream - to have another biological child - and the risk may just end up being that - a risk.

I am afraid to dream, to hope or to pray for another child to come into our lives anymore. I did all that for three plus long years and all it resulted in was heartbreak and pain. If I allow myself to dream, hope and pray again for another little person; I feel as though I will be or am fooling myself. Because yes, there is a part of me that feels foolish for even venturing down the Plan B route for us when there is no guarantee it will happen.

What are the lessons I am meant to be getting here? I've no idea. I know life comes with some hard bits but I feel as though I have been through one very hard bit - trying for another child and it didn't/couldn't happen. The adoption process feels hard in a different way. Hard because of the way in which we are being scrutinised as we go through this process. For would-be parents it must be hard. For actual parents it almost feels ludicrous, even though I completely understand why all the questions and appointments need to happen.

What a bittersweet week it was in many ways caring for my two half-siblings, alongside my daughter. I got a real taste of what it feels like to have several children under my wing. I loved it. I was challenged and I had less time to myself and so much more work to do - more food to cook/more mess to clean up/more children to manage. But when the three of them were buzzing around in their little threesome; our house came alive. Perhaps because I had a sister myself growing up, it feels eerily quiet at times with just one child living here (though trust me our daughter is pretty noisy at times!).

I'm sick of trying to make sense of this journey I have been on for too long. I so desperately want life to be about something else. I want to move on from this chapter in our lives soon. I really do. If I am not meant to parent another child, then I want to get on to the next thing - whatever that is. But I cannot move on to the next thing until the door is closed on adding to our family. I might have to wait another two years to get our answer. That will be six years all up of hoping and praying for another shot at motherhood and it may all be for nothing.

I looked online last night into fostering. It appeals. Sounds as though we meet all the criteria and the process is only two months. But I know we cannot look into that until we've finished the adoption process. It would be too confusing and perhaps not doable anyway, going down both the fostering and adoption roads at once. I need to be clear too. I am well aware that the fostering option could be a knee-jerk reaction to adoption being our only option to add to our family. The threat of it not working out hangs over me like one very dark cloud.

If it wasn't enough to endure the self-esteem-bashing of SIF; the adoption process only adds fuel to the fire. Obviously all those who make it into the prospective adoptive parents pool are reliable, stable types. So we are up against other would-be parents with similar solid characteristics. We aren't/won't be anything special. The bottom-line is whether or not a birth family likes what they see when they see our profile. We can only be ourselves and there is no guarantee that in the two years that we are choosing to be in the pool that we will match the needs/likes of a birth family.

It seems some struggle with SIF for however long and get their happy ending. But I fear that I will be left behind - not only did I not be one of the blessed who conquered SIF in the end - I may not even be rewarded with Plan B working out for adding to our family. I know this may sound like one big pity-party but I just feel so let-down by God/the universe.

It upset me at dinner tonight when my husband said to my daughter that she could boss her children around when she was an adult and she replied that not all women have children - "I might not have any children." Oh my God. Should a five year old even know that?! I have tried so hard to not dump my feelings or to burden my daughter about all this SIF crap but she was asking so much about siblings at one point that the conversation about not all women being able to have children - or another child came up. She gets it. I just hope that however this turns out she will learn and see that her Mum did her best and somehow turned things around. I want her to learn at least that life isn't perfect - since she has been unfortunately exposed to this lesson - but that it is possible to move on from disappointing life-events. (even though I still have some work to do there!)

Anyway, it's back to the grindstone as of tomorrow - my holidays are over. Back into my routine and early nights and self-care. Back to living one day at a time and not worrying about the future. I can't afford to look too far ahead as it only does my head-in if I think about how things may pan out too much. It is hard to stay in the present when the adoption process stirs up thoughts about an imagery child that may never come. I'm looking forward to our next appointment on Thursday simply so I can tick it off and to continue to move through the rest of the adoption process as fast as we can. It means we're one step closer to finishing this chapter of our lives - however it all ends.

A sinking feeling

2010-07-17T10:17:00.004+12:00

The last week has been a busy one. With my Dad and my two half-siblings here (my half-sister who is eight and my half-brother who is five years old), I have been busy taking on the mothering role for them as well as my daughter. We all went away to Hanmer for three nights which was fun - to a little alpine-like village about four hours drive from Nelson. With the kids being between 5-8 years old we were able to do quite a bit: lots of outdoorsy stuff like going to the hot-pools/playing in the snow/hiring a bike for all of us to go on at once/mini-golf/ and to an animal park.

It is sometimes a challenge having two families under the same roof - two different parenting styles and routines. Our daughters routine was rocked a bit but since it was the school holidays; I wasn't so worried about it. I did my best to accomodate the three kids.

It was an interesting position for me to be in too - to almost be co-parenting my half-sibilings who are so much younger than me with my Dad. I fed and bathed all the kids every night. I did enjoy having a larger family to feed for a few nights. But it was certainly triple the work having so many kids under one roof!

I have had this sinking feeling over the last few days that adoption is probably not going to work out for us. It is not a negative feeling. It is simply a gut feeling - almost a knowingness - very similar to the feeling I had around TTC for our second child.

Of course I wish and hope that a birth family will pick us. But we've made a decision to be in the prospective adoptive parents pool for just two years and that isn't a long time in be in the pool. And I don't want to be in it much longer than that. I just have this feeling that our time to experience the baby years again is running out. I cannot completely explain it even. But I will be 42 next month and I really don't want to be 45 years old and caring for a newborn, despite my SIF wounds. So I will be 44 years old by the time our time is up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. It feels like the right time and age in so many ways to pull the plug on adoption if we don't get picked.

There was a time when I hoped our family would be complete by the time I was 40. While I am not completely hung up on age and adding to families; I just get a sense for us and how we are placed financially in life - two years time is the best time for us to stop with the adoption plans.

After caring for my half-siblings for a week I have suggested the idea of fostering to my husband. I think we would be good at it and could provide a safe and stable home environment. I said it him that if adoption doesn't work out for us, then perhaps we could look into it. It's a bit early for him to be thinking about it seriously I think. But I have planted the seed. At this point in time I would want to foster older children too - probably Kindy age or five year olds. Perhaps this is a Plan C emerging for us.

Anyway, we have our next appointment with our social worker on Thursday. We will be having a series of appointments in close succession I think over the next few weeks. Originally I thought we would be in the prospective adoptive parents pool by October but it could be earlier at this rate.

I'm looking forward to getting back to normality after a week with extended family. I haven't been to the gym as much or had my early nights so know I need to get back into my self-care routine again. I feel okay at the moment. SIF is becoming part of my past. Going through the adoption process is helping let go of the dream I had for so long to have another biological child - even if we don't end up adopting.

I had to smile to myself when my half-sister was playing with my daughter and teaching her about adopting toys to the toys that didn't have mothers. It feels as though change is in the air in some form but it could be quite different to what we might have hoped for and planned. I cannot see a baby in our lives. As much as I wanted that; it really feels as though we missed the boat there. So perhaps adoption might lead us down the fostering path. Originally I didn't want to foster because having another child with us in the short-term might have been hard for all of us. But perhaps we are more adaptable than we think. After having my half-siblings with us for a week I think it could perhaps work. Sometimes long-term fostering can lead to adoption so who knows. For some reason I just see it been more likely that an older child will come into our family than a newborn.

I just have to trust God and His plan - whatever it is. In the meantime we have extended family to visit - there are lots of cousins and my half-siblings in New Zealand and Australia. I really don't know how this is all going to turn out. All I know is I cannot afford to expect adoption to work out for us - not the way it is done in this country. There aren't many kids to even adopt - that is the reality. It really is like playing the lottery - we may or may not have the lucky ticket - or lucky profile. Or we can do is put ourselves out there and give it a try.

First official session with our social worker

2010-07-08T17:58:00.007+12:00

We had our first session out of a series of appointments with our assigned Social Worker this morning. It went well. All the hairy questions that I thought would come up did come up. My husband and I were both open and honest around those. It felt good to be back in the game as such with the adoption process. The ball has really started rolling again as our next appointment is in two weeks time. Apparently there is now a time-line that the whole adoption process needs to be finished in. So we were lucky that we got the eight month break we needed within the adoption process before the time-line was introduced.

There were eight of us at the Nelson Infertility Support group last night. That is the biggest turn-out we've had yet since I started the group in October last year. It is pretty amazing to hear all the varying stories with the same underlying heartbreak in one room.

I have been busy at work and have had some big work issues of late which has been a big distraction from SIF/adding to our family. But I am on holidays as of yesterday for 10 days and am looking forward to my Dad, half-sister (8 yrs) and half-brother (5 yrs) coming to stay with us for 9 nights - and we're going away together for 3 nights Monday next week. It will be fun to have three kids in the house.

I guess watching others going through IF within the IF support group I started shows me just how far I've come. There is some distance now between myself and SIF though the desire for another child to be added to our family is always with me.

We have briefed our daughter about the adoption process. It seems unfair that a five year old on one hand has to hear about infertility. Yet on the other hand, I think our children learn from us - whatever life throws at us. So she knows her Mum has started a group to help women who cannot have children which I think is cool. Occasionally she does get a little upset about the whole deal and declares "But I want a sister!!" I asked her the other day why she wanted a sister and she said "So I can have a brand-new friend." Talk about pulling at the heart strings!! As I packed up her old clothes that don't fit anymore I told her they were going into the garage. And she said "For the child that might come." So I think she has a basic grasp of adoption - of what can be expected from a five year old, anyway.

I catch glimpses of our neighbours across the road with their newborn at their front window and that is a hard sight to see. Especially because their eldest daughter is the same age is my daughter and their second child is about three years old. Several Mums with five year olds have three kids around here. That just seems so unfair. I think women with two children are lucky but to have a third child - well, I find it hard still to be around women with multiple kids.

I guess I am doing ok. Just continuing to apply as much self-care as possible and to live for the day. I have been going to bed earlier for a few months now and that has really helped my state of mind. I think it has taken a while to unwind in the aftermath of SIF. I certainly didn't feel so jaded within our appointment with the social worker today as I probably did when we first started the adoption process. I feel a lot more healed/in a better place than I was eight months ago when we last saw our social worker. I also think I have given myself time to get through this so if we are picked by a birth family, I will be reasonably refreshed and not completely worn-out after over three years of SIF. I want to be feeling as good as possible when we enter the prospective adoptive parents pool. I know SIF will be there in the background - but I just want to move on from it as much as possible as we go through the rest of the adoption process.

On being wide-open

2010-07-02T09:35:00.007+12:00

Handing one's will and life over to the care of God isn't always easy. I am finding handing over the outcome - on whether or not adoption will work out for us - to be a bit of a challenge.

While I don't feel as desperate as I did within SIF; I do feel fearful and quite apprehensive around going through the adoption process. Some days I think it will work for us; I really feel that. Other days I feel as though we - or least I - am kidding myself. I feel as though we are buying a lotto ticket to add to our family as with domestic adoption here in New Zealand, it is up to the birth families to make a choice. And that hangs over me - we might get chosen or we might not get chosen.

There are approximately 86 children available for adoption a year in New Zealand and there are around three hundred prospective adoptive parents in the pool at any given time. Our population is almost four million. If you work out the odds there is a 33% chance that we could get picked. However I know the prospective adoptive parents pool doesn't work like that - the social workers give the birth family several profiles to look at (no idea how many) and a selection is made from that. But still, it is tempting to look at the stats and to think we are taking a huge risk going through the adoption process.

My husband wants to delay next weeks appointment because of work-stuff. But I just want to get this whole adoption process over and done with. In September it will be FOUR years of hoping to add to our family. We stopped the adoption process for eight months (for very good reasons). But I want to and need to keep going with the process now. My husband, although he of course wants to add to our family, doesn't share the same burning desire to keep things moving. That sense of urgency isn't there. Maybe I am a little more desperate than I think...

Anyway, over the last few months I have been working hard on the self-care stuff. I know that if I don't get enough rest or downtime; my menopausal symptoms are more severe. I know over the last week or two I haven't had the rest I need so I will endeavour to get things back on track.

I'm still waiting for the IF specialist to come back to me with an official letter/diagnosis from back in April. I was told the beginning of June. Hmmmm. Guess I need to phone the clinic up to remind them once again...

I'm not good at limbo land - even after all this time. I cannot maintain the casual approach required with domestic adoption in this country - that it may work out or not. I cannot pretend that if it doesn't work out at this point in time that I will be okay with that outcome. Sure, I will have to deal with it if that is how things go. But I don't want to underplay what a big deal this is to me.

I have work stresses going on and that doesn't help things. But it is now the school holidays and my Dad and family are coming down and we will be heading away for a few days at the end of next week. I think I need a break. The emotions that come with hoping for another child are taxing. It seems it is part of the package deal - I can't want another child and go through hoops to have one without all this emotional stuff coming up it would seem. But I need to get centred again as I have a few more months of this to endure as we go through the adoption process and I need to be as strong as possible to get through it.

Later that day...

I spoke with my husband and we are sticking to next week's appointment. Phew! What a relief.

Letting go of my first or perhaps only child

2010-07-01T11:28:00.007+12:00

Being back in the throes of the adoption process again has caused me to feel quite vulnerable. I don't even know where I fit. I'm not in the midst of SIF really as to me SIF is about actively trying to TTC. I've been there, done that and it didn't happen for us. But we're still hoping to add to our family via adoption so are there under the umbrella of those trying to add to their families through an alternate method. Yet we have a child already when most going down this route, wouldn't have one.

So once again, I feel as if I am in a league of my own. Just like I did when we were going through SIF - I was somewhere between fertile women and infertile women then. Now I'm somewhere between SIF and adding to our family via an alternate method. I can't put myself in a box and I don't much like it!!

My daughter finishes her first term at school this week. Normally on a Thursday (today) I would take her to her swimming lesson. I would take her out of school and to her lesson and afterwards we would hang in the spa together. But her lessons are finished for the term and today she wanted to stay at school all day. Next term she may end up being at school fulltime - possibly she may come home on a Wednesday afternoon - or we may play it by ear and just bring her home when she seems to need a break from school. With her autism, she does get very tired and so that's why she has slowly being weaned into school fulltime.

But I won't force my daughter to not go to school one afternoon a week if she doesn't want to go home. I feel sad that we may lose our mother-daughter afternoons next term. She is sweet in that she says she misses me when she is at school, yet she doesn't want to miss out on anything. And that's a great thing for a child on the autistic spectrum to say as school can be an overwhelming place for those with ASD to be.

So this could be it for me on the parental front. If we don't get picked by a birth family, there will be no more hanging at home with an under-five. God I miss that. Yet, at the same time, I did cherish those times so absolutely have no regrets about those early years with my daughter.

Our appointment with our social worker at Adoption Services is a week today. I am looking forward to it but cannot help but wonder if we will be a step closer to adding to our family; or a step closer to having to accept we will be a family of three.

I saw the woman who I had a chat with about adoption who has adopted and fostered today and she invited me round for a coffee with a heap of other Mums. I declined because I was genuinely going to the gym and also because I am not yet up to being in a room with women with their completed families. I could not deal with bumps/babies/siblings right now. I have avoided being in situations where there are groups of Mums like this on masse for over two years! And I'm still not ready to go there. I can do school events after-hours of course with other Mums/parents. I don't mind that kind of thing. But an intimate setting with babies crying and breastfeeding perhaps going on - nope, I am so not there yet.

I look forward to two and a half years from now when our time in the prospective adoptive pool will be up. It is our choice to just stay in it for two years. I just personally don't want to wait any longer. Never say never though. Perhaps in two and a half years if nothing has happened, we might decide to wait another two years. But for my sanity and just for today I need to have a time-line. I need to know there is an out - and end to waiting to add to our family.

The comments continue to come in regards to the article in the paper about the IF support group I started. Most people are pretty tactful. Though the office gossip at work did shut the door and blurt "Are you having trouble getting pregnant?!" I just said I had one child and couldn't have another and left it at that. Fine, if she wants to blab about me then so be it.

I guess I am feeling wide-open today in so many ways: the backlash of outting myself as having gone through (S)IF, feeling vulnerable around starting up the adoption process again and saying goodbye to what may be my only child as she settles fulltime into school. I loved being an at-home Mum. Absolutely loved it. I know lots of Mum who complain and feel trapped by being at home with their tribes. They just don't know how lucky they are - or if they do - they seem to often take it for granted. What could be or is more amazing than nurturing another life in this world? I cannot think of anything that tops that. Perhaps that is why SIF was such a blow to my ego as creativity, career, time at the gym - those things can be fulfilling - but they aren't as fulfilling to me as the joy of raising a child. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I got to do it once. Sure, I am still obviously raising my five year old but it does all certainly change once they start school. Autism or not.

Thanks to all my readers out there in cyberspace. It has been a long journey hoping to add to our family and we still have a way to go. I appreciate the support and a place to vent all these feelings that crop up as I continue to pray for another shot at motherhood.

Newspaper article about IF support group I started

2010-06-28T18:55:00.001+12:00

On outting myself (as someone who went through SIF)

2010-06-26T15:18:00.009+12:00

The last couple of weeks have been interesting ones post-SIF-wise. Being interviewed for a local newspaper and then interviewed live on a local radio station about the IF supported group I started has been quite freeing for the most part. It's almost as though I have given myself permission to really begin to move on from SIF. It still hurts a lot of the time, but I am trying my best to not be living and breathing SIF anymore - as I was for what felt like a very long time.

Not many people I know heard the radio interview - only my husband and a couple of women from the IF support group I started. But all (including the interviewer) said it was a good interview - that I "sounded real and on-to-it."

I've had some feedback from the newspaper article that was printed this week. The photo of me that featured next to the article was a big colour one and lots of people have given me compliments about it (have to say; it is one of the better photos ever taken of me!). I had one phone-call from a woman who went through IF who went through a very dark phase who thought it was great I started such a group. Another woman phoned up simply to share her IF story from 20 years ago! Both women now have children.

I was pleased with the article. Although I revealed my story in the interview, it didn't actually feature in it which in the end has felt like a bit of a relief. Obviously I went through infertility to be in the article - but it isn't like "all our dirty laundry is aired" as my husband put it. I have typed the article below:

Infertility support group by Matt Lawrey, The Leader, 24/6/10

Nelson women facing fertility problems need not suffer alone.
A group set up by Tahunanui woman Lynda Xxxxx meets monthly to provide support for women experiencing infertility. Meetings involve sharing stories in a safe and confidential environment, followed by a supper.
She said people often don't know how to deal with infertility when it comes up.
"It is a bit of party pooper," she said.
Lynda started the group to give women the opportunity to be with others who are going through or who have been through similar things.
"In many women's lives there is a big hole between how friends and family are able to support them and what they actually need. People who haven't been through infertility often put their foot in it, without intending to," she said.
Lynda said for many women infertility will be one of the biggest challenges they ever face.
"It can take years to reconcile a major loss like this which can hinge on a woman's identity; and therefore her self-esteem. I wanted to create a group or a space where women could start to support one another through the emotional roller-coaster ride of infertility. A place they could feel safe, be heard, accepted, understood and not judged."

The women from the IF support group itself I've had feedback from were pleased with it. Hopefully I've raised awareness a little about IF out there - in my corner of the world, anyway!

We now have an interview with our social worker in regards to the latest lot of paperwork we sent off for the adoption process. It's on July 8th. It's an hour long and I feel a mix of excitment/nerves about it. The further we get into the adoption process - the more real the possibility of adopting becomes. It is a strange process in that we really do have to think about how an adopted child will fit into our lives - yet the adopted child might never come. I am feeling a bit vulnerable as we go through this process - essentially playing our last card to parenthood for the second time. We have no choice but to put all our eggs in one basket (no pun intended there). I don't find it hard to imagine another child in our lives. Yet I worry about sleepness nights with two children - as sleep issues are just part of life with our daughter. I worry about finances and how exactly things will pan out, knowing I will have to work part-time when this potential baby is only very young. I worry about future relationships between extended family and our potential adopted child. I worry about how my autistic daughter will cope with a sibling after being an only-child for the first five years (or more - depending on when we may adopt) of her life.

But this week I had a wee talk with our daughter about adoption. She asked why I was in the paper so I explained how I had started a group for women who couldn't have children. She then said she wanted a brother or sister and was a bit upset about things. So I told her another way of adding to our family was adoption and asked her if she thought that was a good idea. She thought it was. I think she got the concept but it is a hard one to explain to an autistic child - that we may or not get to adopt a baby. She said she wanted to pick a name and wanted a sister.

In some ways it seems unfair that as a family we are making the room in our hearts and minds to accomodate a potential adopted child and all that comes with that decision. But this child may not come to us. We may not ever get picked (by a birth family). It is different to TTC within SIF. I don't feel quite so desperate. But I am hopeful. I know that if (open) adoption happens for us our lives will change quite dramatically. But I do feel strong enough to handle all the asides that come with open adoption and also know at times, if things work out, that it will be tough. I just hope some kind of healing comes out of it all. I don't expect an adopted child to take away my SIF pain or to wipe my slate clean. But I do expect and hope that another child being added to our family, if it happens, will shorten the gap that resides within our family - a family that does not feel complete.

Life after SIF

2010-06-18T13:54:00.005+12:00

The time and space I've allowed myself of late to heal from SIF is paying off. Big-time. I feel the shift happening within that I feel like I have waited for forever - the place where SIF feels as though it is something I went through, rather than something I am going through. And it feels great.

I have been working the twelve steps through-out my journey and am finally there - at Step Twelve: Having had a spirtual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I do feel as though I have had a spiritual awakening of sorts over the last week or so. Somehow the willingness to move on from SIF, giving myself the space I needed to heal from SIF, talking on the radio and to the local paper about the infertility support group I started, and checking in less to Dailystrength - all these things have equated to a lightness, an acceptance and a genuine release of all that has been.

I'm not saying I won't have my days anymore around bumps and completed families - nope, I'm still having to apply self-preservation there. But the difference is, I am not burdened by SIF. It no longer defines me. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of those who have followed my journey will recall that I wanted to write a book about SIF - with the same title as my blog. But it's never been the right time until now - because I really needed to have moved on from SIF to have the perspective I needed to write such a book. I am ready. I think it will be incredibly healing to write about my SIF journey - it will be based on this blog (as I do have two and a half years of material!) I've said it before - but I want to write such a book - basically my story with SIF - because there are hardly any books out there about SIF. I want to write it in a real way - about the emotional side of it - the roller-coaster ride. Also I think it is important that my book doesn't have a happy ending as in - we get picked by a birth family and life is fine. I want to end the book where I am now - in this place of moving on from SIF and been open to whatever outcome comes our way - maybe we will be picked by a birth family - or maybe not. The desperate place I was in for so long wouldn't have been a good place to write a book from - that would never work as it wouldn't offer a lot of hope to the women who follow me with SIF. I have no problems revealing my own highs and lows - but I needed to be content within the aftermath of SIF before writing about it.

So I am in the process of tidying up our third bedroom which is also known as "my office' - which is my place to write. After the school holidays (which start in two weeks time), I will have 9 - 3pm free twice a week, as my daughter will be going to school almost fulltime. So as well as starting my SIF book; I would also like to do a bit of freelance writing to generate some extra income - it's something I was just getting into but shut up shop when SIF took over my life.

I guess the biggest change of all is I now feel complete. I am a different person in some respects because of SIF - but I am feeling different in a positive way - not a damaged way. I felt so damaged for so long - it wasn't a nice place to be.

Next week my article will be published in the local paper about the IF support group I started and our adoption hopes will probably be mentioned. Therefore I think it is time to tell our daughter what our hopes are too and I think this weekend will be a good time to do it. Our paperwork for the next stage of the process was received by Adoption Services last week so we are just waiting to hear when our appointment will be with our assigned social worker. I do have this amazing sense of peace that I will be okay whatever happens - but that we are meant to go through the adoption process; wherever it leads us.

I wish peace and contentment to all my followers, wherever they might be in their IF or SIF journey's. There is life again after infertility - I guess we just all get there in our own way and time.

From survival to recovery

2010-06-13T10:29:00.003+12:00

One of the titles of a book in recovery is "From Survival to Recovery". It is all about growing up with the disease of alcoholism and living a life in survival mode and then entering recovery (a 12 step programme) to turn things around - to recover from the affects of living with an alcoholic.

I went through this process in recovery - of transforming my life so I was able to live beyond that of someone who had been strongly affected by living with another's alcoholism. It changed my life, looking at what was going on at a deep emotional level, facing it and moving past it. I am still in recovery - there is still some work to be done!

I only mention it because I find myself in a similar spot. I'm back in that place of having been through something life-altering in my life and am now in a position of making some kind of sense of it all. Three and a half years of living with SIF - of chasing hopes and dreams, trying different things, falling oh-so many times as each time a new approach failed has left me feeling just a bit, er deflated. It's not like I've reached the end of the road and picked myself up and dusted myself off to think" Oh well - that was that then. You win some, you lose some."

Nope, my response post-SIF has been a bitter one. A "why not me, God?" response. Why couldn't I have had a feel-good ending to this awful chapter of my life? Surely I prayed/desired/support other women through SIF enough to deserve it? Didn't I?

I hate that I now see motherhood as some kind of a "reward." Surely it is our God-given right to have children. There are so many other struggles in life - big and small. But not being able to have a child - that doesn't feel right or fair. I look at pregnant women or women with their proudly completed families and search for the x-factor, the missing ingredient that I obviously don't have.

Will I ever see a pregnant women and not think of myself? I'm not sure. It feels like such a deep, deep loss to lose my fertility/my reproductive years/to be in early menopause. I wasn't ready for this in mind, body and soul - that's why it's taking me so long to process and accept my fate.

I woke up crying this morning because I had a dream that I had a baby in my arms. Her name was either Rebecca-Rose or Rose-Rebecca. It felt so real holding her and the feeling of completeness I felt in my dream was amazing. Yet I knew on some level it was a dream and to wake up and feel that nothingness/emptiness that I have to live with right now - well, that was pretty sobering.

It is hard letting go of a lifestyle I ended up taking on for three and a half years. It is hard to not check into Dailystrength daily when I have done so for so long. But I know I have to let go of SIF - even in baby steps - so that the rest of my life has a chance to open up again. At the moment there is a huge gap in my life where SIF sat as it robbed me of so much time and energy. Letting go of it is hard - it isn't easy letting go of the urgency to add to our family. But it really is time to let God sort this one out for once and for all.

It feels like the right thing to do - to have this space of healing as we continue the rest of the adoption process. I want to be healed in mind, body and soul as much as possible by the time we end up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. There needs to be, I strongly believe, a gap between letting go of the TTC route and embracing the adoption path. They are two very different ways of adding to a family. If by some miracle we get picked as adoptive parents, then I want to have healed as much as I can from SIF. I am realistic though and know I cannot push that healing to happen within a given time-frame. But I'm allowing the space and time for some healing to occur - to let SIF fade into the background a bit more. That has to account for something.

I do feel as though I have emerged from a destructive relationship - even if it has been a destructive relationship with myself as I have fought so many demons within SIF. I went to some dark places and have taken SIF so personally. My self-esteem and self-worth as a woman is shattered and it feels as though it will take a long time to rebuild it. I feel so flat and empty most of the time. I have a connection with God, but I have to fight for serenity a lot of the time. I like to think I am getting there, one day at a time - moving from surviving SIF, to recovering from it.

Shedding my SIF skin

2010-06-10T12:55:00.002+12:00

I've had a significant week within my SIF/the aftermath of SIF. Things are shifting and I am making progress as far as moving on from one of the biggest nightmares in my life goes.

Last weekend my husband filled out his part of the adoption papers we needed to fill in so I posted off the papers on Monday. It has been an eight month recess for us within the adoption process - all by choice. We had a list of things we wanted to achieve before resuming the adoption process and we have done them all. The main goals were for me to find another job, to buy our first home and for me to do some healing around SIF. We have achieved all those things within eight months which I'm pretty pleased about.

The next step is we will get a call - hopefully sometime soon - about who our assigned social worker will be and then we will have two - four meetings based around the application and financial assessment forms we sent in. These are different to the initial adoption forms that we filled out last year. After the social worker visits we will be advised whether or not we have been accepted in the prospective adoptive parents pool.

I am looking forward to getting things in motion again within the adoption process. It did feel good to send off the paperwork. However it is a bit of a bittersweet time in that I am having to let go of/accept the death of a dream (once again) by continuing with an alternate option to add to our family. It is a mixed bag of feelings that I have.

I had an interview with the local community paper on Tuesday about the infertility support group and a little about my story. It will be published next week with a photograph of me. Next Tuesday morning I will also be doing a small radio interview - again about the infertility support group/my story.

It does feel good to educate and to be open about my journey on one hand. On the other hand, I feel like I have really "outted" myself and am not quite sure how I will feel when I will get comments from those who were clueless about my SIF.

But I do feel over the few days that I have put a bit more distance between myself and SIF. SIF really is in the past and therefore it only makes sense that the reason I have felt out of place within my online support group of two and a half years of late - Dailystrength - is because I no longer fit there. The group is really for women who are trying to conceive within SIF - not so much for those who can't. That's the way I see it, anyway. The few of us who cannot conceive again are in the minority and at this point in time I feel as though I am visiting a room of pregnant women every time I log in! It's not a good thing for someone who is trying her darnest to move on from SIF.

So after much thought, I have decided to check in less into Dailystrength for now. I'm not quite ready to cut all ties - it might be a bit of a weaning process. I am still in the process of healing from SIF - and very much want to move to a more content place. I cannot do that when I log in daily only to see pregnancy updates within the status of friends. A close online friend suggested I hide a couple of friends who went through SIF and now have babies on Facebook. It just hurts too much to see them clucking away about their new babies on line when I am still trying to make sense of the 3.5 years I spent trying to add to our family - only to fail. I am having to apply self-preservation once again.

It might seem that I am a bit of a bitter cow at this point. Maybe I am. But through this phase of healing I am allowing myself to go through; I am finding moments of peace. I am realistic though and have no idea what God's plans are for me from here. It isn't grade school - just because some of us get the second children we want; it doesn't mean we all will. So I need to start rebuilding my life post-SIF. Eventually some plans of life as a family of three will emerge. I just still need a bit more time to "be" as I make sense of this aftermath of SIF I am in right now.

I really do see SIF as in the past now. I have stepped out of what felt like a very long period of time in my life of desperately pining another child into a time of uncertainty. Logging into Dailystrength for two and a half years is a hard habit to break - but I will never move forward if I keep talking and focusing about the things that keep me stuck. So I guess I am shedding my SIF skin. Sure, a part of me will always be about SIF but I need to find me again and to find contentment with my life as it is today. I am sick of wishing things were different.

A time to heal

2010-06-03T10:14:00.007+12:00

To Every Thing There is a Season - Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I just searched online for the above bible verse as I feel it is exactly where I'm at right now. In particular the line "...a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up".

I also found the song by The Bryds based on this verse and listening to it affirms I am exactly where I'm meant to be in my life right now - sifting through my grief.

I have been simplying my life over the last little while to give myself time and space to heal. The more I free up time or allow myself to be - the more my true feelings - my deepseat grief has come up. It seems I am busy Monday - Wednesday being a part-time working Mum and there isn't much time to think or be. Then I get to Wednesday night (which is like my Friday) and I start to let go of the busy few days I've just had and my feelings come spilling out. Not surprisingly I end up in tears on most Thursdays or Fridays at the moment. This is the time I have to myself - my agenda is mine when my daughter is at school.

I had my crying release last night (Wednesday) so have let go of a few emotions this week. At the gym earlier that day I was aware of how angry I felt. So, so angry. So I just allowed myself to feel the anger as I lifted weights and accepted it, despite it being a very uncomfortable emotion for me to feel. Accepting and feeling through hard emotions helps release them. I certainly know this from past experience.

Over the last couple of months it has transpired that two women from the infertility support group I started are pregnant as well as two women from my online support group. This has been very hard to accept and digest despite the fact that I am genuinely happy for all of them. It is just strange to have started a support group in particular in "real life" and to feel left behind. I have been thinking a bit about how to handle all these pregnancies. It seems after so many years of running way from or at least hiding myself from swollen bellies; I have nowwhere to go. Either I cut myself off from women I care about or I learn to live with what feels like an uncomfortable dynamic for me a lot of the time. I have chosen to go with the latter option and will just have to be a WIP around that one.

I constantly have to remind myself I am on my own journey - I don't know how it will end - but it is different to many of the women I have crossed paths with over the last two and a half years that I have been blogging/seeking support online with. Friendships are ever-changing in the SIF world. Sometimes it is because of pregnancy - sometimes women tire of journalling/sharing about SIF and choose to move on. God only knows I will look forward to the day when I am writing about something else.

At the same time, I am aware and also annoyed that some of my infertile friends who are now pregnant or have made peace with their journey through a Plan B seem to expect me to be "over it." I am being brutally honest here. What I've come to realise is that women going through IF come in all shapes and sizes - as in - we are all so very, very different. Some women going through IF are so private that you won't even find them on-line. Some are open-books. Some roll with the punches. Some feel things very, very deeply. That is me - I feel things at a very deep level and get so, so frustrated when people don't know that about me! Every woman is different. Some will process their losses in weeks, some in months - some will take years.

I am taking years to get through this. And I am choosing to accept myself for who I am and where I am at. I don't have a lot of support within my family - and only with a couple of friends in my everyday life - so I sure as hell don't want to feel judged in cyberspace. This is meant to be my safe place, afterall. If I continue to feel unsafe, and/or misunderstood then I will have to look at how I share/where I share.

I went for a walk on the beach today after dropping my daughter off at school and thought perhaps I am just meant to really turn to God right now. I have been leaning on women - or trying to get the support I have felt I have needed for almost three years on-line now. But everything has a season - even friendships. Perhaps God thinks I need to do the next bit of healing on my own. It is like learning to ride a bike. I have needed my online friends to help me through a rocky patch of grief - they have been my training wheels as such . But the wheels have come off now - or dynamics are changing - and so I feel alone in my grief and know that if I allow myself to "be" in my grief - as I am right now - I will learn to ride my bike just fine.

My life feels as though it is as balanced as it could be right now. After toning down the exercise and allowing myself to have caffeine and sugar again; I have discovered through reading "Mind Over Menopause" that I do need to keep exercising and that caffeine and sugar do not help my mood swings or hot flushes. So I am back at the gym doing cardio three times a week, weights twice a week and my yoga/pilates class twice a week. I will also walk when I can - like I did this morning. It's all about time for me - time to release some of this pent-up emotion I have and time to be - time to accept my fate and life as it stands today.

For three and a half years I hid my SIF pain from my daughter as I didn't think it was fair for her to see it. Of course she would know on some level - kids pick up on things - especially a sensitive soul like my daughter. But as I cried last night with my husband I asked him if it was time to include her - to brief her on what is going on with me. He agreed. So I simply told her that mummy was sad because she can't have any more children. No questions asked, she accepted it and then decided a puppet-show was needed to cheer me up! So she sat me in the lounge and put a blanket on me, and a cushion behind my back (just like I do with her when she is tired and/or a bit low) and put on a wee finger-puppet show with my husband for me with a box he made on the spot with a hole cut-out and a couple of makeshift curtains. It was a bittersweet moment - but I did laugh and had enormous gratitude for my five year old daughter that I have such a strong emotional and spiritual connection with.

This morning she asked me if I was still sad and then asked me why I was sad last night (as she doesn't normally see me cry). I said it was because mummy could have just one child and some mummies could have more children like two, or three "or four or five" she piped up. And then I said some women can't have any children and she said something along the lines of "and they have dogs or cats or chickens." How apt!! And the funny thing (in a way) is I have been hankering for a dog and have said to my husband if adoption doesn't happen for us; then I want a dog - plus it would be good for our daughter. Good for us. A way to achieve a family of four - a bundle of fur to love. We have a mature cat so will let that one sit for a bit.

I hosted our nineth IF meeting last night. It was a good meeting and within that meeting we established a few boundaries about pregnant women attending the group. I am meeting up next week with the local paper to do a piece about the IF support group I started. My photo will be in too but I am ready to be more open about SIF. I am truly trying to move on from it (despite the opinion of some). But I want to send the message out there that it takes time to heal. It really does.

Will the real "me" please stand up!

2010-05-28T12:56:00.005+12:00

Going through SIF and facing early menopause has been a huge identity crisis for me. There is so much to unravel and to reconcile - I just don't know who I am anymore.

SIF took away my hopes and dreams. I cannot seem to "think big" much at all these days. I cannot see the point in asking for my hearts desire at the moment only to have it taken away again. In fact, I seem to have no dreams of my own in the pipeline anymore and that makes me feel really sad. Why? Because I always used to be such a dreamer - always thinking of new adventures and full of lots of creative pursuits I wanted to do. I was the organiser of fun events - the one friends often relied on to get people together. I used to be witty - I used to have the ability to make just about anybody smile. I used to have an energy within me that sparked me from one thing to the next. I used to be very much alive.

These days I feel as though SIF and early menopause have taken away my zest for life, my sense of humour, my creativity, my sense of fun and adventure - and the ability to connect with a lot of people.

I feel as though I am a shell of the person I used to be. I feel boring, unstable, too introspective, unsocial and withdrawn. I am flat as a pancake a lot of the time. My world has shrunk considerably to allow for my low energy levels. It is just where I am at yet I find myself missing the old me. Will I ever find her again? Or has she being lost forever in the storm that swept through that was SIF/early menopause? I feel like a different person and I am finding hard to make friends with myself - I feel like a stranger to myself, as absurd as that sounds.

All I can do is to continue to take it all one day at a time. I am reading up about early menopause and may possibly need to look at replacing the hormones that I know I don't have right now - hormones all women need for their general well-being. I have also been researching on the net about ovarian torsion as five years on, I really need to know what happened to my body. Until this week I did not know that twisted ovaries can be untwisted if gotten too soon enough. I thought they twisted and that was it - end of story. But a twisted ovary can be saved. If the pain/symptoms go on too long (it was three weeks for me) - then the ovary is cut off from the blood supply and "dies". The "ramifications are infertility".

So I am hurt and angry that five years ago my ovary could have been rescued if I'd had the right medical attention. Nobody knew what was wrong with me despite that fact I was 37 weeks pregnant and vomiting green bile. My midwife and nurses just scratched their heads in confusion. Apparently 20% of ovarian torsions happen in pregnancy. The gyno at the hospital discounted ovarian torsion because I "wasn't in enough pain." If she'd taken me seriously perhaps my ovary might have been saved and I might be still fertile. It's a long-shot - but I am allowing myself to ponder that thought.

If there are ramafications for infertility after a twisted ovary is removed, then why wasn't I directed to the right help - as in relevant blood tests when I tried to conceive? I could have saved myself three and a half years of heartbreak if I had known right then and there that I was infertile.

It is a hard long road making peace with all that has happened. I feel as though I have never been looked after appropriately medically through-out my whole SIF journey. I am still waiting for the letter from the infertility specialist that supposedly will put the pieces of the last three and a half years together.

There is a lot going on emotionally and I am just trying to filter through it all to work out who the real me is at this time. Underneath the grief of SIF, the reconciling of the last three and a half years and the menopausal symptoms I am learning to live with - there is a person I used to know. I know she has changed; but I do hope I see her again in some form.

Stuck in reverse

2010-05-27T12:49:00.002+12:00

I have had a hard week. I guess I am just sick and tired of feeling - sick and tired and try as I might, I just can't seem to move far past the overwhelming grief of SIF and the deep loss I feel as a woman going through early menopause.

I posted this song - Fix You by Coldplay a few months back. It's where I feel I sit sometimes in this journey and it isn't where I want to be. The first few versus really ring true for me right now:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

When I need a cry - like I do right now - this song gets me going everytime. I really feel stuck in reverse and seem to have no choice but to be here right now. But this song reassures me that I am just where I am.

It's not all about me

2010-05-22T07:54:00.009+12:00

I've come to realise lately that this campaign of mine to add to our family all these years has mostly been a selfish one. It's been about me, me, me (!)and the huge gaping hole I felt existed somewhere inside that needed a baby oh-so desperately to feel complete. I am not discounting the fact that my feelings have been very real - because they were - and they are. But I am beginning to see that my perspective is slightly skewed in that it has been all about me - and not my family.

As we get further into the adoption process, it is becoming more clear that some sacrifices will be made in our lives to add to our family. Mainly it will be a financial one - just as we are making progress in our lives on that front now that we have a school-age child (and I'm not a full-time at-home Mum), we will take a step backwards to accommodate another child in our lives. This will impact all of us.

Our daughter, with her ASD, has thrived as an only-child. Her needs are greater than that of the average child and that has been exhausting at times. Yet we've been able to manage meeting her needs since there are two of us to carry the load and to give her our undivided attention. I do know deep down inside that our daughter has benefited from having her parents to herself. People have commented about that along the way, which has of course irked me within my SIF journey! But of course it's okay if this insight comes from me! ;)

I know with another addition in the family we will be restricted in some ways and I have to be real about that as I consider this as a family decision -or at least a martial decision - and not just my decision. Adopting a child will change our lives in several ways and I just want to acknowledge that rather than assuming and pushing that this option should go ahead just to satisfy my maternal longings.

I think I am in a space of accepting that I will be okay living the rest of my life with"empty arms"; if that is the way things pan out. I have allowed myself some time to be and heal post-SIF and I think the healing has been going on. I feel so far removed from that TTC chapter of my life. I will probably never look at a pregnant belly and just see a pregnant belly - I think I will always be reminded of what wasn't. But the pain will lessen as the years go by. I do think that.

I feel I am really surrendering this over to God right now. He is the one with the plan. All I can do is the footwork and then leave the rest - the outcome to him. I know this is my path and I feel much more content when I accept it rather than fight it. I am tired of looking backwards at what didn't happen. But at the same time I don't want to look too far forward either as that also does my head in. So I am staying in the present - as best as I know how. I am choosing to stay in today rather than run from it or to fear it. It takes courage and patience to live within the unknown yet in doing that, true acceptance and peace can be found.

Every other week my daughter seems to ask about another addition to the family. One morning recently during cuddles in bed she asked me if I wanted another child. I said that would nice and left it at that. Later on she was cutting out photos from a magazine and she gave me a pile of her cutouts - they were all of mothers and babies! She also cut out some words (and she is only just beginning to learn to read) - and they had the words adoption on them. Go figure. The universe sends us messages in all sorts of ways. I'm not saying this will even work out - that we will be picked by a birth family -but we do need to try. We need to be in the running, at least. And I just want to do this for my family - not just for me.

The adoption process scares me in the respect that we are putting ourselves through this - and we may never get picked by a birth family. But it also scares me in the respect that we might get picked. We are going through an adoption process that is pretty informative but there are still many unknowns.

It seems the best way for me to keep healing from SIF is to stay close to God and allow the time and space to heal. I am continuing to surround myself with those who can support and encourage me. I do have to say I made a leap forward recently when I invited a family of six around for afternoon tea. Our friends, who we haven't seen for ages, have four boys aged between 2 and 9 years old. I told the Mum that we couldn't have any more children and were looking into adoption. She seemed to understand that there would need to be some space between accepting the news and exploring other options. Every time I tell my story; I feel a little more healed. I've also invited a family with three children around one weekend. I have kept my distance from families with two or more children for a good couple of years. It still hurts to see families of two, three and four - but I cannot hide from friends and family forever.

Being gentle with myself

2010-05-20T11:00:00.003+12:00

I just went for a lovely serene walk on the beach after I dropped my daughter off at school. It is Thursday and I have the morning off and I have the whole day off tomorrow as well. I am adapting to this new phase in my life where I'm a part-time working Mum with a child at school. I have to say I rather enjoy the work-life balance of working Monday - Wednesday 9 - 1pm with Thursday and Fridays off and then the whole weekend for family time.

My daughter with her ASD (autism spectrum disorder) isn't in school full-time. She does three full days a week but has two afternoons off school a week as she seems to need the downtime. I have to say as a Mum of one; I don't mind the fact that I get to take her out of school a couple of times a week! In fact, I took her out early yesterday as she is at the tail-end of a cold and was just plain exhausted. The school is supportive of her leaving early when she needs to.

I am really enjoying my Thursday and Fridays off where I can come home and just "be." I am trying to lead a much simplier life these days and do relish being at home and having our home to myself. It feels kinda selfish - but it feels really good! It is the next stage in my healing essentially - finding peace within the aftermath of SIF.

I feel close to God these days and I am really trying to make time to listen to Him. Not to just talk! ;) (or beg!) I have been doing Bodybalance twice a week at the gym which is a Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates class. I go for walks when I can. And I do a gentle workout at the gym with low-intensity cardio followed by weights a couple of times a week which feels like the right kind of work-out for me at this point in time. Up until two months ago I was doing RPM classes and other cardio-based group fitness classes. I needed to do those as a way of coping with my SIF emotions. But I am in a different space now. I feel being gentle with myself is the way to go. It is a time of healing; accepting, forgiving and reconciling my SIF journey in mind, body and soul.

A couple of nights ago I sat down with my husband and we filled out the financial papers for the adoption process. I have done my part for the paperwork around work history/extended family/etc. I have passed on the papers to my husband to fill out his part - and have to be patient and let him do it in his own time! Now that I have finally filled the forms out; I am keen to post them off and resume the rest of the adoption process. But my husband needs to do the paperwork in his own time. There is no big rush - we can just send it off when it's done.

There was a bit of an "oh-o" moment when we were filling out the financial papers. It was looking as though we had barely any disposal income at one point. I thought our adoption plans were going to have to be halted then and there. But on closer examination; there is a little more money to work with than what we'd thought.

Still, we do lead a very modest life. Yet that is us. If we wanted a life that had more material possessions and things in it; then we'd be living a very different life and one that wasn't us. I have had some big awarenesses around adoption - particularly around letting go of that desperation to have another baby. We cannot change our lives if we are true to ourselves to be any different. So we just are who we are. I am past trying to bend backwards to get another child in our lives. I think we have a great life - the three of us - which we have worked hard to set up. It cannot be changed to appeal more adoption-wise; it just is what it is.

I am working the maximum number of hours a week I am prepared to work with a child on the autistic spectrum who may need to be pulled out of school from time to time. We have a mortgage that requires one full-time and one part-time income. We made a committment to this house which we all love but financially we cannot take a drop in income. This has meant I've had to think very carefully about how another baby would fit into our lives. I need to investigate further; but at this point it is looking as though either I or my husband could take paternity leave for a few months but our potential adopted baby might go into childcare around six months old for a few mornings a week so I could work. Not ideal but this is our reality. We had to carry on with our lives and make the decision to buy a house with or without another child in the equation. It feels as though this is where we are all meant to be - in this house. Ultimately God will judge whether or not we are the right fit with a birth family out there.

There has been lots to think about in regards to open adoption. But I think even within my blog I might have to refrain from exposing those thoughts as I have been getting feedback which I'm not sure I feel comfortable with. I guess it is easy to forget that this blog is like an online journal. But really this is simply the place I write everything - and I mean everything I feel about SIF! But because we are looking at adopting in New Zealand and most of my readers are from other countries; I do think there are some differing views of what open adoption means. There are just under 4 million people in New Zealand. It's a small country where the degrees of separation are very small. Apparently in one closed adoption years ago the adopted child ended up living next to it's birth family!

All in all, I'm okay with open adoption and wouldn't proceed with adoption if it didn't feel right for us. We - my husband and I - are just getting our heads around it. It is probably a very private process between the two of us that I perhaps should edit a bit more. All I'm saying is people have opinions - which they are entitled too when you are writing openly in cyberspace - but I'm a little vulnerable around the adoption process right now so need to be careful how much I reveal even here.

I had a phone-call from the SIF woman in my IF group last night. We are going to meet for coffee next week. Finally! - after all these years I have someone to talk to about SIF. Ironically, I feel as though I am going through a phase of not wanting to talk about it much! I am craving peace and serenity right now and the best way to do that for me is to have lots of quiet time with myself and God. Still, it seems God has put this woman in my path alongside the one who has adopted/fostered locally as women who have moved past SIF and are either investigating alternate options or have come out on the other side of it all. It feels as though God is giving me a gentle push (that sometimes feels like a shove!!) to keep going with it all - as in, to keep moving forward with the adoption process. So that's what I am doing.