Updated Profile Handed In

Well I finally handed in our updated profile this week. I printed it off and then took it to our social worker. We sat down for a short five minute chat. She was checking in to see where we were at with things.

She asked twice if we wanted to remain in the pool of prospective parents past April and I said no. I said we very sure and happy with our decision to leave the pool at the end of April. I told her I was in a good place with it all and that other things were starting to open up in life. She said it sounded like a good place to be.

So I feel free in that knowing that's it - there is nothing further to do, no more updates to worry about. We have just six weeks left!! After that point, the whole journey of secondary infertility followed by the adoption process will finally come to an end.

I have to say, I'm pretty happy about that. :)

Despite my positive outlook of late, I do still get triggered by baby bumps and families of more than one. But it doesn't ruin my day like I used to. It's very much an in-the-moment kind of reaction. It is no nice to not be consumed by grief.

There are some friends I have kept on the outer for the last two years or more who have two or more children. For self-preservation reasons, I was only able to handle a couple of friendships in my life with women who had the families I'd dreamed and hoped about for so long while in the throes of SIF.

Now I'm slowly reconnecting with these women - and connecting with them around other things - not just motherhood.

I've been putting my book about secondary infertility together ever so slowly. I'm glad I'm writing it now as I think there will come a point where I don't want to think about it deeply any more. There are other things I want to write about - I want to have some fun with it all!

I hosted a meeting for the infertility support group I started up a couple of weeks back. The topic was Hope. Three women came along who have joined in the last six months. An infertility support network is certainly something that is needed in the community. I still run it but don't attend all the coffee groups for two reasons - the majority of women in the network are going through primary infertility and secondly because I'm not TTC and haven't been doing so for years. For now I just host formal meetings every four months and just email out suggested dates for coffee togethers. It seems to work.

I'm connected to an online early menopause group here in New Zealand, but I'm not a very active member. I was asked to submit a few sentences in order to part of alongside a handful of women to be selected for an upcoming magazine article. This is what I wrote:

Hi, I’m Lynda. When I was 38 years old my husband and I started trying for our second baby. It became clear quite early in the piece that something was array; especially since we conceived my daughter after just three months of trying. I slowly stopped ovulating and my periods became few and far between. My blood tests revealed that I could have POF – premature ovarian failure but this was never formally diagnosed. What followed was a year and a half of chasing herbalists, GPs, gynaecologists and eventually an infertility specialist in order to find an answer. I look relatively young for my age and no-one wanted to say the “M” word ie: menopause. I even had an operation at one point to remove a cyst in the hope that this would somehow restore my fertility. But deep down I knew I was undoubtedly going through premature menopause as I was experiencing hot flushes, night sweats, painful sex, my cycles were diminishing and I was battling mood swings. I was desperate to conceive another child but had to face the reality that wasn’t going to happen shortly before I turned 40 years old. Going through premature menopause was huge for me. It was an identity crisis unlike any other I have ever experienced! I felt much older than my years for a long time and this affected my self-esteem and femininity as a woman. I felt like a failure because I was unable to have any more children as well as feeling robbed by what should have been my God-given right. My sex drive was basically zilch as I went through it and I felt guilty as a consequence within my marriage. We are currently in the pool of prospective adoptive parents and our file expires this April. We’ve made a decision not to renew it as we are ready to move on. It has taken me years to work through and accept my fate of premature menopause. I’m now 43 years old and finally at peace with it all.

It was a really good exercise to write as it helped me condense my story in my head while at the same time giving me an opportunity to acknowledge my huge, life-changing journey! It was timely too in that I'm not "in" the midst of SIF anymore. I am most definitely on the other side of one harrowing journey that I wouldn't wish upon any woman.

The other day I was sitting outside my daughter's classroom, waiting for her to come out after school. I was talking to a friend and another Mum and somehow we started talking about menopause. The other Mum (who I don't know so well) shared how she's been through menopause - that she started at 43. I said I was 43 now and had been through menopause too - and that I had started at 38. She said "That is young." It was good to get that acknowledgment. I don't go around sharing my hormonal state with everybody; but I'm not afraid to in the right context. I'm all about educating and advocating!

It Might Not Be Right

I've been doing a lot of pondering over the last little while - about adoption/God/life. Yep, some soul-searching has been going on and with that has come a change in perspective.

Over five years of wanting things to be different in my life - or at least a thing (another baby in our family); caused me to have a negative outlook in life. I became a victim and although I was able to see some beauty in my life; the blinkers were on and I lost the ability to smell the roses.

In short, I was robbed of a lot of joy and contentment in my life. It was not a nice way to live.

Somehow, time, months and years of processing all this SIF shite, a reconnection with the God of my understanding and a very different take on life lately have resulted in a much healthier outlook.

Five years of "unaccepting" has ironically enough, led me to a place of acceptance.

Somehow breaking my elbow has resulted in a significant change in perspective. I have (finally) accepted the imperfections that life brings - accepted that life doesn't always go as planned; the unexpected happens and that we never know what is around the corner.

After five years of waiting and wanting another baby in our family; I do still question if it is the right thing for us now. So much has changed.

In the time I spent creating an "in-between" life - the life I had to keep me busy while I waited for our family to be "complete" - I have created a new life for myself - one that I have grown into and one that I am beginning to truly enjoy, for the first time in years.

The other day in town I was walking around alone while my daughter was at school, missing her like I often do and remembering all those days before she started school when she and I would have trips into town together or to the beach/park/cafes/wherever. There were of course several Mums in town pushing babies in buggies. It seems so long ago that that was me. So long ago that now, with my daughter turning seven in several weeks time, I find it hard to imagine handling a baby again.

I also was thinking in town how much time and energy looking after a baby requires. I am the sort of Mum that gives everything - or at least, that's how I was with my daughter when she was very young and dependent.

I have changed post-accident. Because my of arm injury, my parenting is different. Obviously I love my daughter in the same way I always have. But I need rest at the moment with my arm and I cannot do some things that I used to do with my daughter. It's been good for her independence, but hard in some ways for the two of us. I have to tell her Mummy needs to sit for half an hour (with a cast I have to wear to help straighten my arm) and that she has to do things for herself in that time.

What I'm trying to say is; I don't have it in me any more to ran around after a child! I'm not one hundred recovered by any means from my accident. I still have a way to go. And the reality is; I may and most probably will have for life, a permanent injury.

So in town I was thinking given that I only have a certain amount of energy and my passion for writing is reemerging loud and strong; I'm not sure I even want to sacrifice it all for another baby. Yep, you heard right!

Can you believe it?! After all this time, all this pining, all this grief and pain - and now I'm losing interest?!

Ironically just as I was having these thoughts in town one of the former adoption social workers walked by. Just as I was thinking, perhaps creativity is my "baby" now - not a baby in the flesh as such.

So what a turnaround. I'm not sure I'd be here if it wasn't for my arm-accident. It truly has been life-changing.

But, I do still plan to hand in our updated profile anyway very soon as our social worker is back from holiday. I figure we've gotten this far, I may as well. Even though I can't help but wonder if God wants me to let go of this dream - to figure it out for myself - and to not rely on Him for an answer/conclusion.

Still In Two Minds

Well, it seems I am still in turmoil as to whether to hand in our updated profile or not to our social worker. Our social worker is back from holidays this week so I need to make a decision soon...

Just when I think I've decided what I want to do about things, I don't feel a hundred percent satisfied with my decision. I guess we could always say no - if by some huge miracle we got picked as adoptive parents over the next couple of months, and I didn't feel up to it.

Because that's the truth. I don't feel up to parenting another child right now - for a number of reasons. I'm emotionally burnt-out after 5.5 years of living in the inbetween - living a life on hold and hoping for something that has seemed so far out of reach. Physically I'm in a lot of pain with my arm still and exhausted as daily life has an impact on my arm and I often have sleepless nights as it's very hard to get comfortable.

Spiritually I'm probably doing well with it all. I have given up trying to make life be the way I want it to be. It is so much easier living with what is rather than what isn't.

I have discovered a new-found freedom as I get closer to the end of this rather long era in my life. I do feel a lot more positive about life and am more engaged. I guess a lot of the energy that went into the pain and grief of SIF for so long has been turned around. It is a much better place to be in.

This is my third week of turning my blog into a book. Although I enjoy writing, it does bring stuff up reading some of my posts. I certainly went through some very hard times. (understatement!)

I know things are shifting in ways I cannot describe. Perhaps because I am ready to just let things unfold as they are meant to, I can finally enjoy the life I have been given.

I've planned a few trips over the next few months. My sense of adventure and fun has been reignited. I'm off to my hometown next month for work (for a weekend), then over Easter am going on a road trip with my family of three to the Westcoast of the South Island (just over three hours drive from where we live). In June my daughter and I are heading to Sydney for my niece's 10th birthday.

It feels as though I am able to celebrate again. I realised that we hadn't been away as a family of three for a while so I'm looking forward to our family-of-three road trip.

My relationships and friendships with MOTs (Mums-Of-Two) - or more - are easier. Although a part of me will probably always get a pang of jealousy or a stab of grief when I see siblings playing together; I no longer feel as resentful to the MOTs as I used to.

I even went and had a cup of tea with a Mum Of Three who lives across the road from me yesterday. She is going through treatment for breast cancer so is going through a lot. But we were able to talk openly about all sorts of things. Because of SIF, I feel I was able to understand the emotional side of being diagnosed with cancer.

Last weekend my sister and my niece visited from Sydney. My niece is also an only-child. My daughter said she wished they were sisters but we all agreed that cousins were a close second to being siblings.

I have never really seriously considered raising an only child as I didn't want that to be the case for so long. Now that it is most likely the way it is going to be permanently, I will make allowances for that the best I can. I can no longer think the heartache of being an only child will be taken away by the arrival of another sibling as that just doesn't feel like a possibility anymore.

I think I need to do some soul-searching over the next few days and decide whether or not I want to drop off our updated profile. I think it would be quite freeing to let go of the whole adoption process right now. I need to have a few words with God to see what He thinks.

At Crossroads

A week ago my body started to have what I think is a backlash to all the medication I've been on post-surgery the last couple of months. I've had vomiting, nausea, stomach cramps and well, the rest. Scarily many of the symptoms are in line with bowel cancer. So I went to my Dr and have been recommended to have a colonoscopy. I'm not sure yet if I'm going ahead with it.

After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.

Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.

It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.

It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.

Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.

Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.

I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.

Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.

I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...

So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.

I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.

I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.

It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.

I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.

Back in the game - for three months!

I had an appointment with my physio on Tuesday. She thought that I had progressed quite well with my arm. I can bend it more - but not straighten it so well. Now that I'm back at work, the gym and driving again, my confidence has increased (around living with a bung arm) and she noticed that.

So I asked her. I asked her if she thought I could care for a baby - that our plans to adopt were on hold and that we only had a few months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. She said to go for it. She suggested practising carrying around bags of pototoes or flour (!). I said I had been testing the water, trying to lift our cat!

The thing is, she's young and not a Mum and I'm not sure her advice is necessarily right. I feel weak, sore and tired right now. But I am getting better each week. The reality is I will have a disabled arm for life. It will never be the same. I damaged my arm way too severely for it tofully recover. My surgeon and physio have both warned me about this.

I phoned our social worker on Tuesday and told her what the physio said. So she is happy for our file to be reopened. I've just emailed her an edited version of our profile - as a few things have changed over the last six months or so (husband has a new job, we have a dog, I hurt my arm and if we adopted now, I would leave my job for good.) I will be dropping off a colour final version to her by the end of the month.

Our file expires April 29th so we have in effect three months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents!!

I have to say I am both excited and relieved about this. We have a teeny tiny opportunity in a very small time-frame for something to work out. And if it doesn't; it is finally over. I can honestly say I am glad the end is in sight, whatever happens.

Our social worker said it was time to consider a biannual update if we wanted to go in the pool for another two years. She said we could think about it and come in and let her know. I said we knew already - I told her we didn't want to go in the pool for another two years. In fact I wanted to say "God no!!" when she asked me. I'm so over the waiting. I said we'd consider fostering but that might not be immediately - that later on we'd make contact with the appropriate social worker.

For coming up to five and a half years I have lived a life on hold and I simply can't do it anymore. I'm done. I've started looking to the future and there is hope that a life exists for me post-SIF, that once this era is finally done and dusted I will be free and able to move on. If fostering is something that happens, it will be more likely that we invite a child or children into our home to fit into our lives - not the other way around.

I'm moving forward - somewhere. I even booked a weekend in Sydney for my daughter and I in June. We are going over for my niece's 10th birthday. I got flights for a reasonable price. If I'd waited for another three months - until we got our "answer" around adoption I would have missed out on the flights.

So 2012 is about making life fun again - about something other than what isn't in life. I'm ready for it.

Has My Dream Expired?

I always knew 2012 would be a big year on the SIF front. I knew it would be big in the sense that an answer would finally be given around adding to our family - we would either be welcoming another child into our lives, or moving on from that dream.

For a long time I thought I would have to wait it out until April this year - when our adoption file expires before working out what comes next.

But fate intervened. Breaking my elbow put a big spanner in the works. Two months on from my accident and I still don't feel as though I am in a position to mother a baby. I cannot tie my hair back,wear a regular bra (because I can't do it up) or put on a necklace. My arm extension is severely limited. My surgeries may be over - for now at least - but there is still a long way to go physio-wise. I have three slings to wear at home to help bend and extent my arm. I am in pain and discomfort about eighty percent of the time. I'm driving and am back at work again. But I have a long way to go recovery-wise.

I know within my heart that I have made the right decision putting our adoption plans on hold. But the reality is we may not even be going back into the pool of prospective adoptive parents before April if my arm/physical health isn't greatly improved over the next three months.

As angry as I was at first to have to accept that possibility; it has somehow given me the reality check I needed perhaps to move on for once and for all. Because at the moment the whole adoption deal seems to be moving against us.

So instead of waiting until April, I am making changes now in my life. Changes I need to do for me. I am looking for a new job and am hoping to find work as a teacher aide and to perhaps work voluntarily in a Kindergarten to see if that is the field I want to move into. It seems retraining in 2013 in Early Childhood Education is a big possibility.

Even though I cried when I shared with a friend that one night a voice came to me recently that said "Mummy, go and help the other children." - I believed it was a message from my daughter who passed over during early pregnancy at the age of six weeks. Don't ask me why I think the baby I miscarried was a girl - I just do. I feel her spirit with me often and I feel I am really getting that it is time to let go of my dream of a two-child family. If I hadn't broken my arm and had time to reflect about a lot of things, I'm pretty sure I would be desperately holding out for an adoption outcome in April.

A peacefulness has emerged within our family over the last few weeks. My husband has had three weeks off work, I've worked very small hours so have also been in holiday mode and of course our daughter is on Summer school holidays. We haven't gone far. Many families around us have gone camping. But because of my arm and the pain/discomfort I'm in and the physio I'm still doing and the fact my husband is very happy to stay put after working long hours for months; we stayed at home. We've had very cruisy days holidaying in the town we live in and have had to make the most of our own company since friends have been away. It's been good for us. Almost as though a type of healing has take place.

If this is the way my life is meant to be - as a family of three - then I finally give up the fight to make it different. The universe has made it clear that it's time to move on - that my dream has pretty much expired.

A Brand New Year

2012. Four days into a brand new year and I wonder what it will bring. It is the year in which we will finally gain some closure around our adoption plans as our file expires in April. Our file is currently on hold as I continue to heal from my fall two months ago. I had my second surgery on my arm just a week ago and am still in a lot of pain and discomfort - especially at night. Certainly not in a position to be nurturing a baby, as much as I hate to admit that.

I've been doing some soul-searching/reflecting these last couple of months. One thing that has come resoundingly clear over the last few days is I want to leave my job. I only applied for my job to keep me occupied while my daughter was at school so I wouldn't be at home wallowing in my SIF grief. Too much. And obviously I may as well be earning some dollars during the week too.

On some level, despite the cynical side that dominates my being after five plus years of SIF; I believe everything happens for a reason. So yes, there have been lessons from this job, and experiences gained. There have been loads of challenges and the main one being that the field I work in hasn't been funded by the government for the last two years and it has been like fighting a losing battle.

Before my fall I was stretched managing my job/home-life/my daughter with my husbands' long working days. But now that I'm physically disabled (I cannot extend my right arm and this limits a lot of what I can do), I know that I will be stretched more than ever.

So I am contemplating resigning soon and looking for other work. Not immediately; within the next few months.

I have also been thinking that it is important for me to come up with an alternative if the adoption plans fall through. The reality is, the chances are high that adoption won't work out - and we may not even make it make into the pool of perspective adoptive parents if my arm isn't "baby ready."

Fostering was my original plan C if we couldn't have or adopt another child. But at this point in time my husband isn't so keen...

So come April I need to know that there is something else for me to look forward to in life if (and I want to say when) our adoption plans fail.

I have been thinking about retraining as a Kindergarten teacher - or the correct term - an early childhood education teacher. My degree is in education/psychology so I only would have to do one year to be qualified. It's too late to apply for this year plus I'm not physically well enough to do some serious study. So I'm looking at 2013.

I thought after leaving my job at some point this year that I could have a go at teacher-aide work and perhaps do some volunteer work at the local Kindy to see if is for me.

This might all sound very exciting - and God knows I like to study and retrain. But it breaks my heart that I am now at the point of seriously having to consider another plan to motherhood for the second time round.

Yes I know I would get to "mother" the three and four year olds under my care if I was a Kindy teacher, but I know I would get triggered at times - especially with families of growing families that would be part of my daily life.

I no longer feel as though my life can be great or exist beyond my wildest dreams. My dreams have been shattered anyway - and have been so out of reach for so long, that I no longer know what they are. I once fantasied about being a writer and although that is my passion, the reality is I want to write for me - I enjoy creative writing or writing my story. It is something I can develop in my own time but am unlikely to make a living out of. I'm not really interested in other types of writing. I don't think...

I feel so old and downtrodden. Perhaps I have hoped for too much. I have given up creating the kind of life that I wanted and am instead being guided by God - and am just not at this stage so enthused about the direction He seems to want me to go in. I seem to have lost all positivity and it's not how I want to be. I just have to pray and hope that God will lead me to a new beginning, if that is the way it's meant to go, one day at a time.