Saturday, December 1, 2007

Why this blog?

Secondary infertility is described as being unable to conceive after giving birth to at least one baby after trying to conceive for a year. I'm around fifteen months into my journey. (See My back story for details). It has been a continuous emotional roller coaster - one of disappointment, frustration, fear, despair, depression, grief and hope.

To some it might seem a bit like doom and gloom focusing on something seemingly "negative" such as secondary infertility. But it's my reality for now and writing is my way to purge. Already after just a couple of days of launching this blog, I feel a little better. Like somehow this isn't my dirty little secret anymore. That behind closed doors (and even out there in the big wide world), I do suffer some days.

The truth is it hurts having my fertility floating out there in the unknown. I suspect I will carry this maternal ache around with me until things are resolved - either through another pregnancy, adding a child to our family through another means or simply by acknowledging one day that perhaps we are just meant to be a family of three. At the same time, I am trying to be as optimistic, grateful, joyful and as present as I can be with my life as it is today. I'm hoping by revealing my pain and struggles, that my energy will not be consumed so much by all of this.

There are many women who cannot have children for a multitude of reasons. But I can only speak from my own experience. My struggle isn't any better or worse than any other woman's; it is just my struggle and it is the only one I know.

I have friends who have been unable to conceive at all and I am grateful to each and every one of them for their honesty during such a difficult time. There is a part of me that feels terrible guilt and like a bit of a shit for bitching and moaning about only having one child. For this reason I recognise that my issue is different to theirs. There will always be that underlying feeling from me or them that "you have one child already, so what's your problem?" Just like I cannot fully comprehend their angst; they cannot truly understand mine. Although our pain is similar in some ways it is also very different.

I know Mums with one child who are unable to have another because of circumstances - particularly through separation or divorce. For those who desire more children this is understandably upsetting. I also have friends in their late thirties/early forties who have either settled with a partner later in life or haven't settled at all. Once again circumstance has dictated that motherhood may not happen for them. I feel for all these women but do recognise that not having a choice to have a child is quite different to trying to have one without success.

Sometimes it feels as though others are pointing out that I don't get how lucky I am to actually be a mother when I reveal my frustration with my current state of affairs. But I am aware of what a huge gift my daughter is. I have never taken her or motherhood for granted. That's the trouble - the intoxicating love for my daughter only fuels my fire even more for a second child.

I'm pretty sure there are women out there who can identify with me. I personally only know of one other woman within my Mum networks experiencing secondary infertility. Most Mums have popped their second babies out and some even their third or fourths! On the internet there are several blogs and web sites on the subject. However often personal blogs aren't maintained, forums are out-of-date and web sites offer a description only. I have made a personal commitment to post regularly on this blog, through-out my journey.

I hope I can offer a form of support and comfort to those in the same boat. That is why I have started this blog.

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