Still In Two Minds

Well, it seems I am still in turmoil as to whether to hand in our updated profile or not to our social worker. Our social worker is back from holidays this week so I need to make a decision soon...

Just when I think I've decided what I want to do about things, I don't feel a hundred percent satisfied with my decision. I guess we could always say no - if by some huge miracle we got picked as adoptive parents over the next couple of months, and I didn't feel up to it.

Because that's the truth. I don't feel up to parenting another child right now - for a number of reasons. I'm emotionally burnt-out after 5.5 years of living in the inbetween - living a life on hold and hoping for something that has seemed so far out of reach. Physically I'm in a lot of pain with my arm still and exhausted as daily life has an impact on my arm and I often have sleepless nights as it's very hard to get comfortable.

Spiritually I'm probably doing well with it all. I have given up trying to make life be the way I want it to be. It is so much easier living with what is rather than what isn't.

I have discovered a new-found freedom as I get closer to the end of this rather long era in my life. I do feel a lot more positive about life and am more engaged. I guess a lot of the energy that went into the pain and grief of SIF for so long has been turned around. It is a much better place to be in.

This is my third week of turning my blog into a book. Although I enjoy writing, it does bring stuff up reading some of my posts. I certainly went through some very hard times. (understatement!)

I know things are shifting in ways I cannot describe. Perhaps because I am ready to just let things unfold as they are meant to, I can finally enjoy the life I have been given.

I've planned a few trips over the next few months. My sense of adventure and fun has been reignited. I'm off to my hometown next month for work (for a weekend), then over Easter am going on a road trip with my family of three to the Westcoast of the South Island (just over three hours drive from where we live). In June my daughter and I are heading to Sydney for my niece's 10th birthday.

It feels as though I am able to celebrate again. I realised that we hadn't been away as a family of three for a while so I'm looking forward to our family-of-three road trip.

My relationships and friendships with MOTs (Mums-Of-Two) - or more - are easier. Although a part of me will probably always get a pang of jealousy or a stab of grief when I see siblings playing together; I no longer feel as resentful to the MOTs as I used to.

I even went and had a cup of tea with a Mum Of Three who lives across the road from me yesterday. She is going through treatment for breast cancer so is going through a lot. But we were able to talk openly about all sorts of things. Because of SIF, I feel I was able to understand the emotional side of being diagnosed with cancer.

Last weekend my sister and my niece visited from Sydney. My niece is also an only-child. My daughter said she wished they were sisters but we all agreed that cousins were a close second to being siblings.

I have never really seriously considered raising an only child as I didn't want that to be the case for so long. Now that it is most likely the way it is going to be permanently, I will make allowances for that the best I can. I can no longer think the heartache of being an only child will be taken away by the arrival of another sibling as that just doesn't feel like a possibility anymore.

I think I need to do some soul-searching over the next few days and decide whether or not I want to drop off our updated profile. I think it would be quite freeing to let go of the whole adoption process right now. I need to have a few words with God to see what He thinks.

At Crossroads

A week ago my body started to have what I think is a backlash to all the medication I've been on post-surgery the last couple of months. I've had vomiting, nausea, stomach cramps and well, the rest. Scarily many of the symptoms are in line with bowel cancer. So I went to my Dr and have been recommended to have a colonoscopy. I'm not sure yet if I'm going ahead with it.

After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.

Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.

It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.

It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.

Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.

Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.

I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.

Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.

I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...

So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.

I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.

I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.

It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.

I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.

Back in the game - for three months!

I had an appointment with my physio on Tuesday. She thought that I had progressed quite well with my arm. I can bend it more - but not straighten it so well. Now that I'm back at work, the gym and driving again, my confidence has increased (around living with a bung arm) and she noticed that.

So I asked her. I asked her if she thought I could care for a baby - that our plans to adopt were on hold and that we only had a few months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. She said to go for it. She suggested practising carrying around bags of pototoes or flour (!). I said I had been testing the water, trying to lift our cat!

The thing is, she's young and not a Mum and I'm not sure her advice is necessarily right. I feel weak, sore and tired right now. But I am getting better each week. The reality is I will have a disabled arm for life. It will never be the same. I damaged my arm way too severely for it tofully recover. My surgeon and physio have both warned me about this.

I phoned our social worker on Tuesday and told her what the physio said. So she is happy for our file to be reopened. I've just emailed her an edited version of our profile - as a few things have changed over the last six months or so (husband has a new job, we have a dog, I hurt my arm and if we adopted now, I would leave my job for good.) I will be dropping off a colour final version to her by the end of the month.

Our file expires April 29th so we have in effect three months left in the pool of prospective adoptive parents!!

I have to say I am both excited and relieved about this. We have a teeny tiny opportunity in a very small time-frame for something to work out. And if it doesn't; it is finally over. I can honestly say I am glad the end is in sight, whatever happens.

Our social worker said it was time to consider a biannual update if we wanted to go in the pool for another two years. She said we could think about it and come in and let her know. I said we knew already - I told her we didn't want to go in the pool for another two years. In fact I wanted to say "God no!!" when she asked me. I'm so over the waiting. I said we'd consider fostering but that might not be immediately - that later on we'd make contact with the appropriate social worker.

For coming up to five and a half years I have lived a life on hold and I simply can't do it anymore. I'm done. I've started looking to the future and there is hope that a life exists for me post-SIF, that once this era is finally done and dusted I will be free and able to move on. If fostering is something that happens, it will be more likely that we invite a child or children into our home to fit into our lives - not the other way around.

I'm moving forward - somewhere. I even booked a weekend in Sydney for my daughter and I in June. We are going over for my niece's 10th birthday. I got flights for a reasonable price. If I'd waited for another three months - until we got our "answer" around adoption I would have missed out on the flights.

So 2012 is about making life fun again - about something other than what isn't in life. I'm ready for it.

Has My Dream Expired?

I always knew 2012 would be a big year on the SIF front. I knew it would be big in the sense that an answer would finally be given around adding to our family - we would either be welcoming another child into our lives, or moving on from that dream.

For a long time I thought I would have to wait it out until April this year - when our adoption file expires before working out what comes next.

But fate intervened. Breaking my elbow put a big spanner in the works. Two months on from my accident and I still don't feel as though I am in a position to mother a baby. I cannot tie my hair back,wear a regular bra (because I can't do it up) or put on a necklace. My arm extension is severely limited. My surgeries may be over - for now at least - but there is still a long way to go physio-wise. I have three slings to wear at home to help bend and extent my arm. I am in pain and discomfort about eighty percent of the time. I'm driving and am back at work again. But I have a long way to go recovery-wise.

I know within my heart that I have made the right decision putting our adoption plans on hold. But the reality is we may not even be going back into the pool of prospective adoptive parents before April if my arm/physical health isn't greatly improved over the next three months.

As angry as I was at first to have to accept that possibility; it has somehow given me the reality check I needed perhaps to move on for once and for all. Because at the moment the whole adoption deal seems to be moving against us.

So instead of waiting until April, I am making changes now in my life. Changes I need to do for me. I am looking for a new job and am hoping to find work as a teacher aide and to perhaps work voluntarily in a Kindergarten to see if that is the field I want to move into. It seems retraining in 2013 in Early Childhood Education is a big possibility.

Even though I cried when I shared with a friend that one night a voice came to me recently that said "Mummy, go and help the other children." - I believed it was a message from my daughter who passed over during early pregnancy at the age of six weeks. Don't ask me why I think the baby I miscarried was a girl - I just do. I feel her spirit with me often and I feel I am really getting that it is time to let go of my dream of a two-child family. If I hadn't broken my arm and had time to reflect about a lot of things, I'm pretty sure I would be desperately holding out for an adoption outcome in April.

A peacefulness has emerged within our family over the last few weeks. My husband has had three weeks off work, I've worked very small hours so have also been in holiday mode and of course our daughter is on Summer school holidays. We haven't gone far. Many families around us have gone camping. But because of my arm and the pain/discomfort I'm in and the physio I'm still doing and the fact my husband is very happy to stay put after working long hours for months; we stayed at home. We've had very cruisy days holidaying in the town we live in and have had to make the most of our own company since friends have been away. It's been good for us. Almost as though a type of healing has take place.

If this is the way my life is meant to be - as a family of three - then I finally give up the fight to make it different. The universe has made it clear that it's time to move on - that my dream has pretty much expired.

A Brand New Year

2012. Four days into a brand new year and I wonder what it will bring. It is the year in which we will finally gain some closure around our adoption plans as our file expires in April. Our file is currently on hold as I continue to heal from my fall two months ago. I had my second surgery on my arm just a week ago and am still in a lot of pain and discomfort - especially at night. Certainly not in a position to be nurturing a baby, as much as I hate to admit that.

I've been doing some soul-searching/reflecting these last couple of months. One thing that has come resoundingly clear over the last few days is I want to leave my job. I only applied for my job to keep me occupied while my daughter was at school so I wouldn't be at home wallowing in my SIF grief. Too much. And obviously I may as well be earning some dollars during the week too.

On some level, despite the cynical side that dominates my being after five plus years of SIF; I believe everything happens for a reason. So yes, there have been lessons from this job, and experiences gained. There have been loads of challenges and the main one being that the field I work in hasn't been funded by the government for the last two years and it has been like fighting a losing battle.

Before my fall I was stretched managing my job/home-life/my daughter with my husbands' long working days. But now that I'm physically disabled (I cannot extend my right arm and this limits a lot of what I can do), I know that I will be stretched more than ever.

So I am contemplating resigning soon and looking for other work. Not immediately; within the next few months.

I have also been thinking that it is important for me to come up with an alternative if the adoption plans fall through. The reality is, the chances are high that adoption won't work out - and we may not even make it make into the pool of perspective adoptive parents if my arm isn't "baby ready."

Fostering was my original plan C if we couldn't have or adopt another child. But at this point in time my husband isn't so keen...

So come April I need to know that there is something else for me to look forward to in life if (and I want to say when) our adoption plans fail.

I have been thinking about retraining as a Kindergarten teacher - or the correct term - an early childhood education teacher. My degree is in education/psychology so I only would have to do one year to be qualified. It's too late to apply for this year plus I'm not physically well enough to do some serious study. So I'm looking at 2013.

I thought after leaving my job at some point this year that I could have a go at teacher-aide work and perhaps do some volunteer work at the local Kindy to see if is for me.

This might all sound very exciting - and God knows I like to study and retrain. But it breaks my heart that I am now at the point of seriously having to consider another plan to motherhood for the second time round.

Yes I know I would get to "mother" the three and four year olds under my care if I was a Kindy teacher, but I know I would get triggered at times - especially with families of growing families that would be part of my daily life.

I no longer feel as though my life can be great or exist beyond my wildest dreams. My dreams have been shattered anyway - and have been so out of reach for so long, that I no longer know what they are. I once fantasied about being a writer and although that is my passion, the reality is I want to write for me - I enjoy creative writing or writing my story. It is something I can develop in my own time but am unlikely to make a living out of. I'm not really interested in other types of writing. I don't think...

I feel so old and downtrodden. Perhaps I have hoped for too much. I have given up creating the kind of life that I wanted and am instead being guided by God - and am just not at this stage so enthused about the direction He seems to want me to go in. I seem to have lost all positivity and it's not how I want to be. I just have to pray and hope that God will lead me to a new beginning, if that is the way it's meant to go, one day at a time.

It's Christmas Time...

It's Christmas time again. Another festive season in which I've had to deal with my SIF angst. It's not as perhaps as tragic as it once was - or perhaps I'm not quite as tragic as I was with SIF. I'm not in tears, depressed or completely feeling hopeless. But it is there all the same - the pining, the yearning and the feeling of being utterly incomplete.

The reminders that other women, or even most women out there conceive effortlessly are tenfold this time of year - the pregnancy announcements around Christmas time sting just a little more. In a magazine I've bought there is a story about a Mum who has fifteen children and wants just one more. She's 42 - one year younger than me. Interesting that her wishes may be deemed appropriate given she is obviously a Fertile Myrtle. But for me - somehow still - that desire for a second child - and for soooo long - seems to be greedy and so very old to many around me.

So it's Christmas tomorrow and it's just the three of us - myself, my husband and our six year old (who will be seven in March!) As always, it feels as though we are missing someone. I feel it. My daughter feels it. My husband doesn't but he may as well knowing my daughter and I are still very much grieving another child in our family.

It all still feels a bit sad - and unfinished - our family with just the three of us. I pray that next Christmas some finality and closure will have been reached around completing our family.

I have wondered if God created a situation in which I broke my elbow to teach me a lesson. Did He think I wasn't appreciative of my life as it was before? Did He or does He really want me to move on from this painful longstanding dream of mine? I cannot help it; but I do see God as a punishing God right now. The God from my childhood was like this and every now and then He pops up. It is hard to see the positive in having one health issue follow another one.

I really don't understand what life is all about for me at this point. I really am just taking it all one day at a time - it's all I can do.

Merry Christmas to you all out there. I pray that Christmas comes with peace to you this year, wherever you are at in your own lives.

Adoption plans on hold

I haven't blogged for a while. The reason is because I had an accident six weeks ago - I tripped and fell and broke my arm at the elbow. I made a real mess of it and ended up having a three hour surgery that involved three plates being fitted in my arm.

It's my right arm which is my writing arm which has meant I've been out of action . I had a few nights in hospital as well as six days at home with my arm in a cast while I waited to go back for surgery and into hospital for the second time, My hand isn't working yet as the tendons are still healing. I'm having physio sessions one - two times a week.

I was off work for a month. But started working from home from last week - shorter hours for the first couple of weeks. I can't drive and have difficulty doing many things around the house. We have home help in the short-term. Friends and family have helped here and there. My husband is doing a lot around the home on top of his long working hours. I am dependent on others right now and it that in itself has been very challenging!

I spent the first two weeks post-accident virtually on complete bedrest. I'm up more as time goes on but still need a lot of rest/to pace myself. I'm still on pain relief. The physio exercises I do hourly are painful and my arm is very sore at night.

All in all it has been a challenging time for myself, my husband and daughter. My gym membership is on hold til next year. My life has been very small for the past six weeks. All up my recovery will take about a year according to the surgeon and I may never gain full extension of my arm again.

There are life lessons to be learnt from this, I know. But I'm still living life day by day to get through it all so don't have perspective from the whole experience yet. I know my life felt too busy and I was struggling with that - ironically stressing about work and rushing to get to a seminar about autism when I tripped and fell.

I felt as though I was making progress healing-wise about SIF so feel angry with God a bit that I have had another health issue thrown my way. I've had to put our adoption plans on hold as I am in no position to care for a baby right now. Our adoption file expires in April so depending on my recovery, we may only end up with a couple of months in the pool of prospective adoptive parents next year.

I feel as though God is screaming at me that this is not his plan for me - to have another child. Yet I still cannot accept it and my desire to mother again is as strong as ever.

My daughter finished school for the year last week. How heartbroken was I to read in one of her writing books that one day at school she'd written: "I want a brother or a sister because I am lonely." She tells me this stuff regularly but to see it written down was something else... I asked her why she wrote the story and she said because everyone else in her class has a brother or sister. Hmmm.

On Sunday I met up with some of the women from the infertility support network I started, including a new woman. I was able to shed some tears with them about the above piece of writing by my daughter. Normally I hold back my grief as they are all going through or have been through primary infertility. But I felt safe and ok around opening up around this particular group - but I don't feel like that with everyone in the network.

I've no idea where I'm headed in life at this point. I just have to recover from my accident for now and not think about the future too much.