A New Life

I know I am making progress as far as letting go of secondary infertility goes - that chapter in my life (or should I say novel!), that went on for over five long years.

The period of time when the end has been reached - a conclusion finally given (even if it wasn't the one you were hoping for), is a strange one. Life isn't simple. A new something doesn't just appear over night, or even weeks or months later.

At the same time, it isn't until the letting go happens that A New Life can be born.

I seem to be in the process of allowing this to happen.

It is now five months on since our journey finished. I've not worked for three months out of that five months. I actually resigned from my job as soon as our adoption file expired. It was as though I just needed to give myself the time and space I needed to put my whole SIF experience in perspective.

I believe I am getting there. Thinking and talking about my SIF journey will always be painful, I would think. But I can see, when I talk or think about it now, that I have and am still in the process of moving on.

I talked to someone else the other day who is going through secondary infertility. I was asked to call her by Fertility New Zealand, who I am connected to because I started up an infertility support group here.

She is early in her journey (though it probably doesn't feel like it to her). But sharing my story I hope helped her - even though I didn't get the fairy-tale ending. I was able to tell her that over time I had healed - and am still healing. That I was having morning tea with three other Mums next week who all have second children. These are scenarios I have avoided and not encouraged for years. It was actually me who initiated this morning tea.

There are still many ouch moments. Like seeing siblings with matching hair styles for school and Mums outside the classroom at the end of the day (while waiting to pick up their kids) talking about their children's relationships with one another. I heard of both a newborn's arrival this week and a pregnancy. Yet I didn't feel quite as stung as I have in the past. I am trying hard to let God in and to heal from it all.

It has been very timely to have the last three months off - as in not working. I basically have the whole of the school week off while my daughter is at school. It is the first time since she was born that I've had so much time to myself!

It is a big treat - a luxury really. But a necessity on a spiritual and emotional level as it is an opportunity to just be and to make peace with the way life panned out. I think for so long I dreaded being at home on my own while my daughter was at school as I couldn't accept there wasn't a second child at home to care for.

But I've been (mostly) gentle with myself over these last three months. I've used the time to read, write, join a local Tai Chi group, go to a writers group, try new recipes, declutter, go to a sports physiotherapist and practise exercises for my arm, to start getting fit again, to see friends for coffee, to enter short story and poetry competitions and to write my book - I've even applied for the odd job here and there. But I've tried not to clutter my week and so I've had time to just be, which I believe, has allowed me to heal - to find peace and contentment being at home on my own while my daughter is at school. Often she needs a rest from school and was sick for two weeks. It has been great to be here for her and to not have to juggle work with her needs.

It hasn't all been smooth sailing. There has been some pressure (mainly from myself), to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with my life if it's not motherhood for the second time. There are a few ways I could go next - I most certainly seem to be at crossroads. A year's study could give me a Masters Degree, a teaching qualification or a post-grad qualification in journalism or social work or I could do a writing course for a year - so many choices!

It has been like an identity crisis going through secondary infertility as I have been affected deeply in mind, body and soul. My self-esteem as a woman has dropped because of my failure to conceive. Forgiving myself is still a work in progress. I feel lost in life in some ways but just have to trust that now is a time of healing - a time to regroup, reevaluate and rest (as written in my journal this morning).

I just have to trust that the next thing will come along in God's time and that sorting myself out is perhaps the priority at this stage.  In the meantime I continue to write and will get published again in Gods' time with that. I plan to resurrect my art again today (!) as it's been a year and a half since I last painted. I have a table booked at a Plunket Baby Bonanza in November. I've put it out there in regards to freelance writing and graphic design work as well as teacher aiding so it will be interesting to see which way my Higher Power wants me to go next.

Today I am also going to order some hard copies of family photos. We hardly have any printed out (but thousands on the computer!). I want to create albums for us all of my daughter growing up/family life. I want to celebrate being a family of three.

I think I am doing pretty good, all in all. I only seem to be blogging about once a month at this stage. I guess life is becoming about more than my secondary infertility experience. There is light, love and hope in my life again. I just have to sometimes remind myself of that - I have to work hard to live in the present and to let go of my past.