Thursday, October 11, 2012

I'll Never Forget

It has been a strange place to be - post my whole secondary-infertility journey. At the end of this month it will be six months since our adoption file expired. So I've had six months to get my head around it all - the outcome I didn't want; how things ended up.

I know I've let go in some respects - in leaps and bounds compared to where I was once with all this. But in other ways it feels as though I've made no or little progress.

I had my Dad and two half siblings stay for four nights recently. My half-siblings are ten and eight years old- so close in age to my daughter who is over seven and a half now. They all got on really well. Well, my daughter got on well with the other kids - they fought amongst themselves - as siblings do.

I always take on a mothering role when my half-siblings stay. It is certainly a lot more work caring for three children - more dishes, more food to prepare and more managing to do. But in so many ways it was easy dealing with kids en masse. As a Mum Of One of a child with autism; I am often the entertainment hub. And that is hard - adults are never going to be quite as good company as another child. With my half-siblings here  my daughter had entertainment on tap - she played barbies and imaginative games with my half-sister and XBOX with my half-brother and had plenty of bouncing on the trampoline with them both. She had a lovely time.

When they left on Monday morning both my daughter and I felt extremely flat. In fact it has taken us almost all week to resume to the usual mother-daughter dynamic that exists all week as my husband works twelve hours shifts and we don't see him much during the week.

I know my daughter feels lonely as an only child. I hate that. I do my best to have her friends round, to organise playdates and do things, go places etc. But nothing can replace the company and love of a sibling. It is that simple.

Once again my pain and grief around failing to add to our family is up there.

I have been feeling completely lost lately. It seems I am at crossroads in my life with the next job/career. I feel so confused and frustrated - there is no clarity at this time as to where I should go next. I've applied for three jobs over the last month. No bites yet.

I'm not sure if I should be pursuing my creative dreams as nothing is really going on there. I've entered some short story competitions and have submitted some freelance article proposals - and I've had virtually no response. I feel completely deluded about my dreams and aspirations. And just a tad annoyed that God hasn't allowed these dreams to happen - yet (as the case may be) - after such a long time of waiting for another child. I desperately want to move on from that era and to find some success and happiness somewhere else - surely I deserve that!

I am leaning on my Higher Power but he is answering my prayers slowly - once again! After five and a half years of waiting to add to our family, I am peeved that the next thing  - the what-was-meant-to-happen-instead-of-motherhood hasn't happened yet! And I'm telling you this - when it happens, it better be bloody good after all this waiting!!

I still have a lot of healing to do. Some days I wonder if I'll ever be over it all. It stings so much to see siblings together at the moment. Facebook isn't an easy place to go to right now. I read a headline to do with a story about a woman who had survived a natural disaster. Her words were something like "You move forwards and upwards. But you never forget." That is certainly how I feel about secondary infertility.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you are still feeling so emotional about everything. I've just found ur blog so I don't know if ur first pregnancy was easy. I was looking for secondary infertility as I was interested in experiences. It took 6 years for my daughter to get here, she's 13 months now and I felt a huge relief and fulfilment when she was born, I'd done it, my dream had come true. And yet 13 months later I can feel the old whisperes creeping back into my mind, a sibling for my daughter . I know my body well enough to know natural is unlikely and ivf is out of the question. I always thought people who got upset about not having a second child were just greedy, I couldn't get 1 and they want two! Now I know and understand that the feeling of longing for a baby is the same whatever number ur on, I think it's just biology, you can't fight it. I hope the pain eases for u and the only difference between primary and secondary infertility is that you do have that beautiful little girl you made to watch grow. It won't erase the other feeling but it's a hell of a bright side. Lots of love and luck, u never know what's around the corner! Xx

Katrina said...

Hi, I stumbled upon your blog as I was googling secondary infertility (as I do when down about not being able to have more kids). We have a 12 year old daughter and have been waiting on the adoption list for 4.5 years. I am 37 and know that soon in my future will be the decision to get off the adoption list. This loss you are going through is real and I pray that you allow yourself to grieve. If you ever want to email with someone that understands what you are going through, you can contact me.

Katrina
tomkatmal@shaw.ca

Anonymous said...

Wow. Your story is my story--it's uncanny. Glad to have found your blog. I'll go back and read the archives now.

-Chris