A year since my miscarriage

I've realised lately that my tears of late haven't just been about friend no.1's pregnancy news and all that has brought up for me. It's also been because next week is the first anniversary of my miscarriage.

This time a year ago I was pregnant and elated. Foolishly perhaps, I worked out the due date just days into my pregnancy - Aug 23, which happens to be three days before my own birthday. I thought it was a happy coincidence. We were about to go on holiday and I couldn't wait to tell the close friends and family we were about to visit the news.

Days later it was all over. I miscarried at six weeks.

At the time because we were going away the next day, I didn't really process what had happened. I shared the initial shock with my husband, but neither of us knew how to process it. I used other people's reactions to gauge how "big" this was. I only told a handful of people. Most didn't really comment, and I took this to mean it wasn't a big deal. In hindsight it was because I disclosed my news mainly to people who had never experienced a miscarriage. The ones who'd experienced a miscarriage had fallen pregnant again quite fast and took this as a sign that this would happen for me too, which it hasn't.

I've realised lately I am drawn to babies who are around four months old. I have clicked that had my pregnancy lasted, that is how old our baby would be today. I don't purposely dwell on how-old-our-baby-would-be-had-it-made it, it is more of an unconscious awareness.

I watched a baby around that age at church today. It was only for a few minutes and it was delicious. He smiled and cuddled into me and it felt so natural. I'm no baby-snatcher; but I didn't want to hand him back to his Mum. I wanted the cuddles to last just a little bit longer.

I went to church as although I'm not an avid church-goer, I felt I needed to go. Sure enough the songs of worship bought tears to my eyes. I just needed to see the bigger picture, and to step outside of my infertility hell.

This weekend I have been talking about the future with my husband - about other dreams outside of baby-making. Of course when the attention shifts off one area; life starts to feel not so stagnant anymore. Life goes on. It has to. Just because one dream may not work out, it doesn't mean all the others should be forgotten.