Underneath it all

For some weeks now I have pondered as to whether there might be more to "this" than wanting another baby. I am not going down play my desire by saying having another baby isn't that important to me, 'cos it is. But there are several other issues bubbling beneath the surface. I have thought for a little bit that I might need to get some counseling around it all and last night made a personal commitment to myself to do that in 2008.

I searched depression on the Net last night and found a great New Zealand web site that had some very useful resources on it. Because that is my truth; I have reached a place that is proving very hard to get out of and completing the on-line questionnaire confirmed that for me. I have had depressive episodes in the past, varying in their intensity and duration. I haven't moved on from this particular episode in a hurry and that concerns me. It is not fair on my wee family that I stay here without actively seeking help.

So last night I made three lists for 2008 - some daily goals to keep me sane, three month goals to hopefully help move me out of this hole, and several goals for 2008 to inspire me and keep me motivated. Interestingly the site above suggested doing something similar. It's something I've felt I've needed to do over the past few days so I must be in tune with what feels like my own partial insanity at this time.

At this point what lies beneath it all seems to be a complex mini-crisis, that is made up of several elements. There is obviously my human powerlessness over something I so very much want (another baby). Although that concept in itself rips my heart to pieces most days I am going through some kind of a spiritual makeover at the same time. I've been suggesting to my husband that we go to church more. It seems to be the only place I feel at peace - there is definitely something about those worship songs that do it for me.

I'm also having an identity versus motherhood crisis of sorts. With my daughter coming up to three and no baby in the wings; it's time to reclaim aspects of my life back as she becomes more independent. I can understand why Mums keep reproducing as for some of us (I won't assume all Mums feel this), there is a bit of grief that comes with your baby making the very clear transition to a child. They no longer need us with the same intensity. My daughter was clingy until she hit around two years old. Now at almost three she has evolved into quite the social butterfly. She is confident, out-going, and relishes new social experiences. I am so very proud of her yet in my heart feel the end of a very definite chapter as she enters her Kindy years in the upcoming year.

I'm sure many Mums go through this - what to do next. I haven't "worked" for around three months and this has affected my self-esteem somewhat. I had an evening job at the local paper from when my daughter was six months old til she was around two and a half. For two years it was great to be able to get out of the house a couple of nights a week and to do something outside of mothering. After a while, with another weekly commitment I have and also an evening course I did this year, family life started to suffer a bit as I was out four nights a week. Around that time a print-broker I met on my course approached me about doing some freelance graphic design work. I did that for a couple of months and it all came to a grinding halt a few months back. There may be more work for me in the New Year but for now I'm treating it as a casual thing and am going to look for weekend work. I clearly am someone who needs to work and socialise out of the house even if it just for a few hours a week.

Part of my identity crisis is linked in with turning 40 next year. I am questioning my career-path and have thought about changing direction. Forty suddenly seems so close to sixty and I want to once and for all utilise the talents that I think I have. Life suddenly does seem so short when you've almost clocked up forty years on the planet.

Around ten years ago I went through a similar process which meant letting go of two big things in my life - a relationship (an unhealthy one that I was much better off not being in) and a country (Canada - my visa ran out and it was time to move on). Surrendering these two loves of mine at the time exposed layers of myself I really didn't want to see. I was absolutely devastated yet recognised I could no longer dictate my life. I was forced to rediscover myself as I let go of things outside of myself. Without anything external to hide behind, I was stripped bare. My life completely changed as a result of handing my life over to the God of my understanding.

Now it feels as though I am once again being challenged to let go and let God all over again. I mean really let go. The last decade has of course had it's ups and downs, but my life has felt very rich as a consequence of trying to follow a spiritual path. This time round it seems I am being led to go to a deeper place with it all. There will be blue skies again for me. I have to believe that.