Another Mum hits the jackpot

I don't want to be all bitter and twisted everytime I hear about another's pregnancy; but at this stage in the game that is my reaction.

Tonight my husband told me one of his friends was pregnant with her third child. As I tried to choke back the tears he asked if I'd like to add anything to an email he was sending to her. I declined. I mean really, what was I to write: "You lucky cow, I wish it was me!!" ?? And that's one of the polite versions I had in mind. She's a lovely woman and I feel awful having such thoughts. They aren't personal - envy over another woman's pregnancy can crop up at any time, around any given woman. Just a sight of a bump can set me off sometimes.

It's not a nice place to be, gripped in the throes of my own fears of the future (yes, I'm back there again) while others families seemingly expand so easily.

Late this morning as my daughter drifted off to sleep on her nap, I watched her long fingers stretched out in her almost-three-year-old hand and I wondered if I might get to know a newborns hands all over again. I should be so lucky. Tonight we watched part of a DVD my husband put together of our daughter's first year of life (as she loves watching footage of herself). I could feel the heart-strings pulling and the feeling still sits with me, as it did right from the start, that she could be our only child. I have been so lucky to be an at-home Mum for almost three years and have truly cherished watching her grow. I have no regrets, I can honestly say that. And although not flawless, I am a Mum who doesn't want another child to correct past parenting mistakes and regrets. It's not about that at all.

Tonight I cried to my husband, perhaps it's not meant to be. I don't want to accept that as my reality today and so what choice do I have but to hang in there.

In a way it would be easier to have a conclusive result, even if it meant we couldn't have any more biological children. At least there would be somewhere to go from there. I don't know how this story is going to end, yet I have to believe it's going to be the right outcome for us, whatever it is.