One of the people I care about most on the planet has just told me via email that she is pregnant with her second child. It's early days, but she obviously got a positive on her pregnancy test. She cares about me greatly too and has anticipated that I may be affected by this news. Damn right and I hate my reaction.
On one hand I am happy for her. She's a great Mum and a top person. She really deserves to have a dream come true, that being a mother to two biological children. It happened within months for her so was clearly meant to be.
Yet my own pain has come up and slapped me in the face. Why can't it be me? I knew she'd fall pregnant easily. Mind you, she has "normal" cycles whereas I have erratic cycles so the odds were in her favour.
What I hate about this secondary infertility deal is how it eats away at your confidence. I guess because something is obviously wrong with me physically, it is easy for the thoughts of failure at being able to conceive to cross over into other areas of my life.
I do feel not good-enough. I feel the God of my understanding must not believe in me as a Mum 'cos if he did, another pregnancy would have happened by now. And then if I apply the law of attraction to this (which is damn hard when wrapped up in my own pain), it is clear that I don't think I perhaps deserve another pregnancy and I don't know why. I know I'm a good Mum too (mostly) so it's about something deeper that I haven't discovered yet.
I have another close friend who is in the throes of primary infertility who has chosen not to look at this blog for now. I understand why but it is painful losing friends, even if temporarily, to infertility. Instead of uniting us, our differing degrees of infertility have put a huge unspoken void between us.
Another friend several years ago, also cursed with primary infertility, burst into tears when a mutual friend's baby arrived. I so get that reaction now. Somehow it is more painful when good friends get the very thing we desire in life, especially when it may look as though it's not going to happen for us.
At this point I'm not up to a congratulatory phone-call for the friend who is newly pregnant. And so it has began already in our friendship - I am emotionally recoiling from her. I may not be able to be there for her completely in this exciting new chapter in her life and that sucks.
I want to cry and kick and scream right now. I am like a toddler who is angry that things aren't going her way. I hate the powerlessness and the up and down-ness of it all. Yesterday I felt positive; today hopeless. Yesterday I thought if I focused on some other things in life, perhaps this unbearable pain would shift to the background. And it did for a few hours. I just have to accept that as long as I chose to try for another baby (even if I can't physically do so because of lack of ovulation right now), I am probably going to be subjected to many more women falling pregnant around me and this will result in more unleashed and mixed feelings coming up.
Today I pray to feel love for my newly pregnant friend rather than the resentment that is threatening to eat me up.
1 comment:
Hi Lynda. I'm Jacinta, we have been trying for 2 years now for a second child. I am glad I found your blog. You have express all the feelings I have. Just like you ppl always remind me to be thankful for my first child not that I am not. Being around 3 of my sister in laws, one with two children, and the other 2 pregnant with their first. It hits me really hard to go through day by day looking at them and pretend I am fine when inside I want to hide and sulk. Thank you for sharing your story. At least I know I am not alone or any less of a human when there are days I feel angry and hatred looking at my sister in laws children an growing bellies.
Post a Comment