You wouldn't have that though, would you?

I went to the Dr this afternoon to check out my sore throat/ears and my toe - as it's a bit "wobbly" and it's been two weeks since I hurt it.

I had a different Dr (as mine only works mornings) and she reckoned my sore throat and ears have nothing to do with Provera. However on a google search I found many women who'd had those side effects. Essentially it's a virus which the Dr agreed with. I have fluid in one ear and my glands are up. I said to my husband it makes sense to me that my glands could be playing up given all the synthetic hormones racing around in my body right now. The trouble is my gyno doesn't take direct calls, and the surgery isn't open much during the week so I thought it was best going via my GP. Anyway, I've been cleared for flying and that was my main concern.

I'm going in to get an x-ray on my toe first thing in the morning as the Dr thought it was a bit of a concern that there isn't much movement there. It just sits there kind of limp-like. I joked to my husband tonight that I got an appointment at radiology within 24 hours for my toe whereas I had to wait several weeks for an ultrasound scan for my cyst!

Today has been a bit of a tough day as far as Mum-of-twos (MOTs) goes. A Mum from Playgroup had obviously had her second child as her bump had disappeared. I braced myself for delivering the niceties, even though a part of me didn't want to go there. But I had to acknowledge her addition at some point, I just didn't particularly want to do it today.

I took my daughter to the park and beach before the Dr's today. She was absolutely fascinated by a crawling baby. And as rough as she can be, she did stand rather protectively next to this little baby boy and another little baby girl as they scrambled around the playground. As much as I try to tell myself she'll be fine if she ends up being an only child, I do feel she will be cheated in so many ways.

At the Dr's I saw a former Mum from Playgroup with her two children (three and around eighteen months) in the waiting room. We had a wee chat about Kindy, the dropping of naps and keeping three year olds entertained. She told me her two were starting to play really well together, for twenty minutes at a time. Then she looked at me and said You wouldn't have that though, would you? somewhat sympathetically. She doesn't know my predicament so I guess it was just an obvious comment. Thanks for the reminder, I thought to myself.

I have felt the Green-eyed Monster today (in case you hadn't guessed!). Have my happy pills worn off?! I am angry today - it just seems like such a normal thing for a woman to do - to fall pregnant and have a baby. It shouldn't be so complicated. I had a wee weep over the dishes tonight and realised a lot of my fear is coming up around the Clomid. I feel a lot is impinging on it, and it might not work...

Meanwhile the Provera seems to have started things moving a bit as I have had a wee bit of spotting. I feel a bit obsessive checking to see what's transpiring quite frequently, but I am after all waiting for my long lost Aunt - you know the one; Aunt Flo.

Last day on Provera

Well I took my last Provera pill about an hour ago. So now it's a case of waiting for a bleed. How wierd, I haven't had a proper period in over six months. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to have a period!

Today on our weekly shop I bought tampons and pads which made me giggle inwardly as since I last bought tampons, the brand I use has changed it's packaging. My husband did comment recently that I ought to have my "womanly supplies on hand" as we laughed that the flood-gates may just open! I've searched on the Net a bit about Provera and bleeding. Apparently I could bleed anywhere between three days and two weeks from today. The bleed varies from woman to woman but I'm kind of preparing myself for a heavier bleed as my poor body probably needs a good clean out.

So I'm on stand-by with the Clomid!

It will be interesting to see if my mood swings return now the Provera is finished with. I have felt really settled within myself this last week or so. I've had a sore throat/ears which I've also googled which sounds like a side effect. I've been trying to get hold of my Dr as I'll be flying on Sunday and just wanted to make sure I'll be okay.

Today at the supermarket I saw a Mum who used to go to Playgroup with a baby. I hadn't seen her for a while so was taken by surprise. Her eldest is in afternoon Kindy and she said she was struggling with giving her preschooler enough attention. I felt for her and thought if we do have another one, my daughter will be well and truly settled into morning Kindy by then. I do have some hope that the Clomid might work for us. It will be an interesting biological experiment at the very least.

Friend no.2 who has been dealing with primary infertility for around two years texted me last night to say her 2nd round of IVF failed. I feel so sad for her. And even though I'm also going through IF, I feel powerless around her pain as I know there is nothing I can do.

Any chance you could be pregnant?

Today my husband and I took our daughter in for an appointment at the Orthopaedic department at Nelson hospital for her thumb which has been bent permanently for months, not unlike trigger finger. It is not known why. She will be having a small operation to correct it within the next six weeks if all goes to plan.

The radiologist asked me Any chance you could be pregnant? at Nelson hospital this afternoon as I held my daughter's hand in place for a thumb x-ray, clad in a lead apron. No, I said as I shook my head. Of course they have to ask - especially since I was there with my preschooler. It wouldn't be unlikely now would it.

I had a flashback up at the hospital today. It is hard to not be reminded of my daughter's birth since she was born in the one and only hospital in Nelson. I remembered our antenatal class and how we visited the hospital one hot Summers night and saw the delivery rooms with the courtyards. I said to my husband today I had visualised walking around in one of the courtyards during labour, as well as using a swiss ball and a bath. However, I had an emergency c-section so my plans fell to the wayside. It was good to be reminded of this today as in the end it all turned out fine even though my daughter's delivery was very different to what I'd hoped and imagined.

Today I don't feel bitter about the whole TTC/IF ordeal. The heaviness around it all seems to have gone. I do still have the pangs of longing though. At Playgroup today my daughter's friend had her arm around her six month old sister in a tender moment. That makes my heart melt. I don't want to hear too much about others pregnancies and babies yet at the same time I'm okay hearing small tidbits of information. Hopefully this means I'm beginning to make some peace with my situation. Even when my daughter talked about a "little wister" (probably in reference to her friend's little sister) this afternoon my heart didn't break quite as much as it might have. Instead, I thought how cute, she's starting to notice babies.

My perspective is changing

I have been thinking the last couple of days or so that this period of my life called secondary infertility is not going to last forever. I've always known this but I feel on a deep level I am starting to see the wood for the trees as such. Whether it's the Provera leveling out my moods, adrendlin highs from the gym or just a place I've naturally moved too as I continue to process things, I don't know. It feels like something is shifting. This chapter of my life might be a loooong one in many ways yet in the grand scheme of things, it is just a few years out of my life.

Day Four on Provera

I have felt really good the last few days! Is this a side effect of Provera?, I wondered tonight? My mood swings seem to have stablised. I just did a quick search on the Net and found this . Interesting, I didn't realise Provera was used for hormone replacement therapy. (HRT). I just said to my husband I can understand the addiction to pills some women get with HRT as seriously, when you've had the mood swings I've had for so long, it is so nice to feel "normal". Goes to show I must be hormonally imbalanced so I guess I could investigate a way of sorting this out naturally later on down the track.

Day two on Provera

So far so good in regards to the Provera. I've had minor spotting the last couple of days but figure that is just my "cycle". My stomach is bloated but I've had that off and on over the last few months. It looks like water retention/PMS/early pregnancy and is quite uncomfortable. I can't wear tight pants at this point in time!

I have to be careful that I don't blame the drugs for my mood swings. Yesterday I felt pretty good but today I've been quite up and down. Mainly because I'm tired. I've had a very busy couple of weeks with a new job/a freelance job on the side/starting counseling and just parenting in general. I just want to blob in front of the tele tonight with my hubby. I feel we've hardly seen each other while I've been busy getting my shit together.

I went to the Dr this a.m as I hurt my toe badly just over a week ago - I accidentally slammed it into my daughter's highchair. It was very painful and has been sore ever since. Turns out I have "sausage digit" (!) - I have torn some muscles at the bottom of my toe and it'll take around four weeks to heal. I've not been walking so much over the past week and have restricted my gym work-outs to the bike and weights. However my Dr reckoned I could go for it with the classes - will obviously have to pace myself. Exercising means I'll delay the healing of my toe by a week or two but she seemed to think I was fine carrying on as normal which is good as I have been missing my gym classes.

My Dr asked where I was at fertility-wise so it was good to go in today just to touch base with her. She also asked indirectly why I'd changed Dr's and also what my expectations were from her. So it feels good to have established what my needs are with her early in our Dr-patient relationship.

This week has gone really well with my daughter. It seems to be working taking her out of her activities early, watching her like a hawk and using the sticker chart system for reinforcing her positive behaviour. i.e "playing nice" with other kids. The teacher at Playgroup said this week we have to go through our GP if we want to get a referral to Child Development Services. Now we have some strategies that are working for us, it doesn't seem so crucial that we get her checked out at this point. Will sit on that one for a bit.

At the same time I have been giving my daughter independence where appropriate. Yesterday we went into town without the buggy and did an errand before going to the icecream palour together. She was proud of herself walking around town amongst all the foot traffic. And today she walked back from the park by herself for the first time.

There were a few baby/bump triggers at Music today. A Mum-of-two friend told me about a friend of hers going through secondary infertility. It was wierd in a sense - is in I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit or if she was just sharing she knew someone in the same boat. I was thinking you've shared this because...? There were three siblings (all girls) standing in a row with their varying heights like peas in a pod in Music class today. They have a wee baby sister on the way. And then my daughter "chased" around a crawling baby. She had a lot of fun, giggling and following the baby back and forth. That pulls at my heart-strings every time. Also another Mum of One said in passing to someone else "I have a cold and I'm pregnant" implying she felt like shit. She's just 11 weeks apparently and certainly didn't look it. She's lovely and I could empathise and can't expect people to censor their conversations just because I'm around and anyway, the majority of people out there don't know my predictment. It is just so in my face in that environment that I have missed the boat for some unexplained biological reason with having a second baby. I may catch another boat eventually, much later than planned, but mainly I feel as though I have been left behind with not even a life-jacket.

However today I feel as though I've stepped outside this secondary infertility deal a little. I've been thinking of a couple of random things such as all the travel I did as a twenty-something. In particular I was thinking about listening to live music in New Orleans many years ago. It was just so amazing to experience that. I guess I'm getting a sense of although it feels like forever that we've been TTC; I've had a life outside of this period of time and will do again. My counselor did suggest I go for a walk to a top of a hill and take in the view as a way of getting some perspective with my life.

I do feel better having a plan with the Clomid for three months. All I can do is hand it over to the God of my understanding. I think I'm able to do it because it is for a short period of time. I won't worry about what comes next til I get there. And you just never know. There is an op-shop where Music is held and this morning I caught some babies clothes out of the corner of my eye and thought "It could happen."and actually believed it for a second.

Let The Games Begin!

I took my first Provera pill this morning....so I have officially started the ball rolling with the fertility drugs. I'm day 31 on my cycle (though that's debatable since it was more spotting than a bleed last cycle). I worked out some upcoming dates around my daughter and I going to Wellington in just over a week for a week and then my husbands brother and family are coming down around Easter for a week to stay with us (which means my husband, daughter and I being in the same room for a week since we have a two-bedroomed house). Basically if I didn't start the Provera today I would have to delay taking it as I'd end up ovulating when we had guests here and well that just wouldn't work...

Last night I met a Mum-of-two-to-be (MOT-to-be) for a coffee after the gym. She suggested meeting up as we have talked briefly in the past around TTC with both herbal and medical help. She conceived her first child (my daughter's age) after around four years. (possibly more, actually). In the end it was her third round of Clomid that worked. She conceived her second child naturally.

I wondered how I might feel having a chat with a Mum who was very heavily pregnant (37 weeks) with her 2nd child yet it was fine. It was good. I was in a good space - had just been to the gym and it is always comforting to talk to women who have used Clomid and in particular have done so here in Nelson so have used the same Drs.

So in many ways it was a case of do or die with the fertility drugs for me. Clearly conceiving a child naturally is impossible at this stage due to my absent periods for over six months. It will be interesting to see if I actually do get the fake period Provera is meant to bring in about a weeks time so I can start the Clomid.