Yesterday I went and had a day 21 progesterone blood test. The woman who did it was quite a friendly sort and noted I was on Clomid. Then she proceeded to tell me how she had conceived on Clomid twenty years ago with the same gyno I have and went on to say how wonderful he was. I know she meant well, but given my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure and the unlikehood of Clomid working in my situation; I really didn't need to hear it. Also my experiences with my gyno haven't been quite so wonderful. I didn't know what to say so just kind of nodded and smiled. She was attempting to be sympathetic around TTC and the pressure around it yet obviously thought I was still in the running - not that I had been sent off the TTC field!
I'm pleased that Clomid has worked for so many women. But not me. I guess I had a sinking feeling right from the start that Clomid might not kick-start ovulation for me. I have known my infertility was permanent I suppose on some level for quite some time.
But it's not getting easier accepting my fate. Sure, I might be in a better space with it all. I'm trying to look at the positives and to just follow God's lead. However some days are going to be better - or worse - than others.
I received the final copy of the parent centre newsletter that I wrote a (voluntary) column for in the mail yesterday. I was already feeling quite triggered around my infertility after my blood test so shouldn't have done it - shouldn't have opened up the newsletter as sure enough it is riddled with stories about pregnancies and growing families. The knife really went in when I read that the editor's second baby was now four weeks old and she was relishing motherhood for the second time, including breastfeeding in the wee hours with her bundle of joy.
I have been thinking again why God, why me? I just don't understand why I had to be one of the "chosen" infertiles. Today I am hurting and not so okay with the way things are paning out.
Yet I'm trying my best to move on and accept things and will get there in my own time and way. Even though I am looking forward to the next stage - the Kindy years - within parenthood, I am also sad to say goodbye to the toddler years. A part of me is more than ready to move on from Playgroup yet another part of me will miss it. We have afterall been going twice a week for almost three years. This next stage in my daughter's life only empathises the fact there isn't a babe in the wings. It seems so natural that I should be looking after a younger child at this stage - and so unnatural that I'm not.
Anyway I'm choosing to see our last day at Playgroup this morning as a celebration. I've bought a book and a card and will do a bit of baking this morning for the Mums. I want to say thanks to the centre but in a way, I'm doing this for me. It's my way of embracing change in a positive manner.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Moving forward
Yesterday I went and did the paperwork to get my daughter into Kindy. I took her along and she had a ball running around for twenty minutes with the whole Kindy to herself (as we went in at the end of the afternoon session.) I think she is going to love it!
I feel as though both she and I are graduating from Playgroup! Although I am ready for this next stage I do feel sad that I don't have a baby in the wings to look after at home as my daughter enters Kindy. When we went to the supermarket yesterday I saw a MOT who used to go to Playgroup with her baby - her son would have been at Kindy. I used to think or at least hope that would be me - that by the time my daughter entered Kindy, there would be another one on the way at the very least.
Although I am disappointed by the non-baby outcome, I am trying not to dwell on what isn't and embrace what is. When my grief comes up around having a two-child family; I remind myself that I do have options should we want to add to our family. I have been researching a bit on the Net about donor eggs and adoption. I haven't even discussed this with my husband yet as I feel we need a period of time to digest our reality and no doubt we won't do that completely until I get a proper diagnosis. But I know there are other possibilites out there for us should it turn out that adding to our family is what we really want to do.
I talked to my sister yesterday about the positives of being a one-child family. I guess for so long I have rejected the whole one-child family concept and so I've had quite a negative perspective on it. (for us - not for one-child families in general). But there are certainly advantages of having just one child: more financial freedom, more spare time, and no sibling rivlary. For us as non-home owners it would mean we could focus on buying a two bedroom home rather than the three bedroom home that seems to be out of our reach in these economic times.
I guess it's simply about looking on the brighter side of things. I have also been thinking how shit happens in life. We all have disappointments and incidences of things not turning out as we hoped. This is one of those times for me. Yet now I pretty much know that having another biological child is ruled out; I am able to move forward.
I may carry around my maternal ache for another child for quite some time. I'm not going to pressure myself to get past it all within any particular time-frame. It is like processing a death so I'm sure there'll be a few more ups and downs to come. But I'm drawn towards the positives in my life. I went to the gym last night and went on the bike, did some weights then a Bodybalance class. The gym has been my saviour these last months - I am well and truly addicted to the feel-good factor a gym workout provides.
I feel a sense of freedom as this new chapter in our family life opens up. I was chained to the TTC mode for too long. It wasn't even two years but it was long enough for me to feel affected and restricted so that was all my life was about. No longer as I have closed the door on all that. (admittedly it's open a crack as I wait for a full medical opinion). I feel as though I am rediscovering me post-TTC. I believe I will come out of this feeling stronger and more in tune with what I want out of life than ever before.
I feel as though both she and I are graduating from Playgroup! Although I am ready for this next stage I do feel sad that I don't have a baby in the wings to look after at home as my daughter enters Kindy. When we went to the supermarket yesterday I saw a MOT who used to go to Playgroup with her baby - her son would have been at Kindy. I used to think or at least hope that would be me - that by the time my daughter entered Kindy, there would be another one on the way at the very least.
Although I am disappointed by the non-baby outcome, I am trying not to dwell on what isn't and embrace what is. When my grief comes up around having a two-child family; I remind myself that I do have options should we want to add to our family. I have been researching a bit on the Net about donor eggs and adoption. I haven't even discussed this with my husband yet as I feel we need a period of time to digest our reality and no doubt we won't do that completely until I get a proper diagnosis. But I know there are other possibilites out there for us should it turn out that adding to our family is what we really want to do.
I talked to my sister yesterday about the positives of being a one-child family. I guess for so long I have rejected the whole one-child family concept and so I've had quite a negative perspective on it. (for us - not for one-child families in general). But there are certainly advantages of having just one child: more financial freedom, more spare time, and no sibling rivlary. For us as non-home owners it would mean we could focus on buying a two bedroom home rather than the three bedroom home that seems to be out of our reach in these economic times.
I guess it's simply about looking on the brighter side of things. I have also been thinking how shit happens in life. We all have disappointments and incidences of things not turning out as we hoped. This is one of those times for me. Yet now I pretty much know that having another biological child is ruled out; I am able to move forward.
I may carry around my maternal ache for another child for quite some time. I'm not going to pressure myself to get past it all within any particular time-frame. It is like processing a death so I'm sure there'll be a few more ups and downs to come. But I'm drawn towards the positives in my life. I went to the gym last night and went on the bike, did some weights then a Bodybalance class. The gym has been my saviour these last months - I am well and truly addicted to the feel-good factor a gym workout provides.
I feel a sense of freedom as this new chapter in our family life opens up. I was chained to the TTC mode for too long. It wasn't even two years but it was long enough for me to feel affected and restricted so that was all my life was about. No longer as I have closed the door on all that. (admittedly it's open a crack as I wait for a full medical opinion). I feel as though I am rediscovering me post-TTC. I believe I will come out of this feeling stronger and more in tune with what I want out of life than ever before.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
A New Chapter
Last night I went to the first of three workshops on Stress Free Parenting held by SKIP at our local Kindy. It's essentially a workshop about disciplining preschoolers and it's free. It was good. It feels like I'm doing something positive for my daughter/our family. The Head Teacher was there and she said my daughter now has a spot to start Kindy - so she's starting on Monday! She's going into afternoon Kindy which means attending three two hour sessions a week.
I am so excited about this next phase of parenthood - becoming a Kindy Mum! My daughter and I are both ready for the next step. It means we can finally let go of Playgroup which will be a huge relief. Although I will miss the social contact and support Playgroup has provided me, it is quite timely that we leave at this point. We'll pop in in the school holidays but won't be on the role anymore as of this Thursday. I thought I would donate a book to Playgroup as a thanks for the last almost three years. (I started taking my daughter when she was six months old). It has been a great place to go to network with other Mums.
It does feel as though my world is slowly opening up outside of Mummyhood. At the workshop last night there were some Mums that I know from Playgroup/Music. The majority had two kids, one had three and one Mum announced she was pregnant with her fourth child! There were three of us with one child. Sibling rivalry came up a bit in discussions as did the limited amount of time you have with several children.
The usual mix of heart-ache and envy came up when the MOTs shared. I guess it will be there for a while. Yet when the MOF-to-be shared around the dilemma of so many children/not enough time I did think well that's my blessing then, isn't it - there is enough time in the day. My daughter and I just cruise around, really, doing our own thing.
As we move on from Playgroup I am letting go of my Mum social network a little. Music will be the only activity we'll attend weekly where I'll be swamped by MOTs and bumps. And I'm happy about that.
My social contact is now through my job on Sundays and the gym. And I'm satisfied with that. I feel like I really am no longer part of the baby/toddler world so it feels good to be moving on from that.
It does indeed feel like a new chapter. God is showing me that great things are on the horizon. I've known all along it would all work out - it's just God's plan is clearly quite different to what mine was.
I am so excited about this next phase of parenthood - becoming a Kindy Mum! My daughter and I are both ready for the next step. It means we can finally let go of Playgroup which will be a huge relief. Although I will miss the social contact and support Playgroup has provided me, it is quite timely that we leave at this point. We'll pop in in the school holidays but won't be on the role anymore as of this Thursday. I thought I would donate a book to Playgroup as a thanks for the last almost three years. (I started taking my daughter when she was six months old). It has been a great place to go to network with other Mums.
It does feel as though my world is slowly opening up outside of Mummyhood. At the workshop last night there were some Mums that I know from Playgroup/Music. The majority had two kids, one had three and one Mum announced she was pregnant with her fourth child! There were three of us with one child. Sibling rivalry came up a bit in discussions as did the limited amount of time you have with several children.
The usual mix of heart-ache and envy came up when the MOTs shared. I guess it will be there for a while. Yet when the MOF-to-be shared around the dilemma of so many children/not enough time I did think well that's my blessing then, isn't it - there is enough time in the day. My daughter and I just cruise around, really, doing our own thing.
As we move on from Playgroup I am letting go of my Mum social network a little. Music will be the only activity we'll attend weekly where I'll be swamped by MOTs and bumps. And I'm happy about that.
My social contact is now through my job on Sundays and the gym. And I'm satisfied with that. I feel like I really am no longer part of the baby/toddler world so it feels good to be moving on from that.
It does indeed feel like a new chapter. God is showing me that great things are on the horizon. I've known all along it would all work out - it's just God's plan is clearly quite different to what mine was.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Going with God's Will
I have felt much better about things the last couple of days. Where I'm at is perhaps God's Will for me to (probably) not have another biological child isn't a bad thing. I guess I have moved into acceptance a little more, have been looking at the positives and am also over fighting something that really feels like it isn't meant to be.
To be honest, I have slowly felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I have gradually let go of the TTC deal. I feel a shift going on. For so long I have put TTC first but now I'm back to putting me first. This means sorting me out - not pushing me aside in my desperate attempts to achieve ovulation. I've had a hormonal imbalance for a couple of years - it is time to get that sorted out. My progesterone levels are so low - no wonder I have such severe mood swings. If I take a step back from all this, I know I'm not normally so moody. Emotional, yes. Moody, no. They are two different things.
I'm starting to embrace life as a family of three a lot more. We've talked about taking a wee family trip away sometime soon. It's time to celebrate us. I had put a holiday on hold in case it interfered with our TTC plans. But I cannot sit around anymore waiting for AF, or ovulation to occur.
I've been thinking about the advantages of having just one child. Financially we would be better off. I've been a stay-at-home Mum for almost three and a half years. I've had wee casual, part-time jobs on the side since my daughter was six months old but never more than ten hours a week. So we've essentially been living on one income for a few years. Once my daughter enters morning Kindy next year, I will have five mornings a week to work in some form. It will be nice to have a bit more money in our family budget.
Although I have loved being an at-home Mum, I do like my space. I do so love going to the gym and working my Sunday job. I am a creative person who without a creative outlet feels unfulfilled. Strangely this blog has met that need over the last few months. But one day it will be nice to write about something else!!
I feel I need a break from it all - to push TTC aside while I wait for some medical explanations. I can't even go there about other options for adding to our family. All options involve time and energy all over again and I'm not in the head space to consider them. Besides, there is no rush in regards to the other options if we're talking about IVF via donor eggs or adoption as it's not a case of dealing with my aging eggs and time running out. If you use a younger woman's eggs you can fall pregnant much later in life. The idea of this does not appeal to me at this point - I'm just mentioning it because it is one of my options.
Every now and then I feel pangs of excitement rushing through my body. That to me is about feeling God's Will. It may be different to mine, but it doesn't mean it isn't great. Letting go of TTC reminds me of letting go of a dying relationship. It's like the writing has been on the wall for so long and I didn't want to accept it so I hung in there much like a desperate woman clinging to a relationship that is sinking fast. I am essentially letting go of love (for another child). It's like that saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."
To be honest, I have slowly felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I have gradually let go of the TTC deal. I feel a shift going on. For so long I have put TTC first but now I'm back to putting me first. This means sorting me out - not pushing me aside in my desperate attempts to achieve ovulation. I've had a hormonal imbalance for a couple of years - it is time to get that sorted out. My progesterone levels are so low - no wonder I have such severe mood swings. If I take a step back from all this, I know I'm not normally so moody. Emotional, yes. Moody, no. They are two different things.
I'm starting to embrace life as a family of three a lot more. We've talked about taking a wee family trip away sometime soon. It's time to celebrate us. I had put a holiday on hold in case it interfered with our TTC plans. But I cannot sit around anymore waiting for AF, or ovulation to occur.
I've been thinking about the advantages of having just one child. Financially we would be better off. I've been a stay-at-home Mum for almost three and a half years. I've had wee casual, part-time jobs on the side since my daughter was six months old but never more than ten hours a week. So we've essentially been living on one income for a few years. Once my daughter enters morning Kindy next year, I will have five mornings a week to work in some form. It will be nice to have a bit more money in our family budget.
Although I have loved being an at-home Mum, I do like my space. I do so love going to the gym and working my Sunday job. I am a creative person who without a creative outlet feels unfulfilled. Strangely this blog has met that need over the last few months. But one day it will be nice to write about something else!!
I feel I need a break from it all - to push TTC aside while I wait for some medical explanations. I can't even go there about other options for adding to our family. All options involve time and energy all over again and I'm not in the head space to consider them. Besides, there is no rush in regards to the other options if we're talking about IVF via donor eggs or adoption as it's not a case of dealing with my aging eggs and time running out. If you use a younger woman's eggs you can fall pregnant much later in life. The idea of this does not appeal to me at this point - I'm just mentioning it because it is one of my options.
Every now and then I feel pangs of excitement rushing through my body. That to me is about feeling God's Will. It may be different to mine, but it doesn't mean it isn't great. Letting go of TTC reminds me of letting go of a dying relationship. It's like the writing has been on the wall for so long and I didn't want to accept it so I hung in there much like a desperate woman clinging to a relationship that is sinking fast. I am essentially letting go of love (for another child). It's like that saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."
Saturday, July 26, 2008
One Day At A Time
My gyno didn't phone me yesterday after his receptionist had said he would the day before. I am not surprised. Communication with my gyno has felt very stilted all along.
So all I can do is take it one day at a time. I will just go with what my Dr suggested and have another round of blood tests and see what results come out of those. It is a maddening place to be - half-knowing it's all over but having to wait for the full medical evidence before I can properly move on.
I am actually doing okay though, I think. I blog six mornings a week (with Sundays off) and it is so therapeutic for me. I just write what is on top and surprise, surprise I've had some devastating news in the last week so therefore my posts have reflected that. The feedback I get from some annoys me - kind of along the lines of push it to one side and carry on with my life as if my world isn't crumbling.
Well actually there are positives in my day - every day. I just do not necessarily report them within my blog as my blog is my emotional outlet. It is because I can purge here that I can go on with my day and hopefully be as present as possible in it.
I have started my day every day for a long time with a gratitude list. I list five things every morning that I am grateful for. Even within this time there are certainly things to be grateful for. I feel very connected to the God of my understanding right now despite the fact my will and His will do not match. There is healing going on spiritually and emotionally. A lot of good is coming out of this situation as far as relationships with others go. Of course I don't yet have the perspective to appreciate that fully.
I am a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and has no issues with feeling her feelings. I always tell it like it is. This blog is firstly for me, secondly for anyone else who wants to read it. I am afterall the one experiencing this nightmare. If you choose to read this then you will know by now that it isn't always the most uplifting reading. But it's honest. It's real. And I know some women appreciate that. I am not about making light of difficult situations. That is not my style at all.
Last night I emailed out the invites for my Girls Night Out for my 40th in five weeks time. It is a fun night with a bodyjam class, dinner, and then dancing in town. I am not all doom and gloom. I have a sense of humour despite my current state of affairs. I feel I have to prove this to some out there right now and that just downright sucks. Have a heart for goodness sakes.
So just know that I am trying to make the most of an unacceptable situation (in my mind). I am in conflict with myself just about every day - do I accept my dire news or to I just carry on as if it hasn't happened? Do I believe the medical perspective of no hope for me with FSH levels of 86 or do I hold out hope that a pregnancy could occur for me despite the odds a la Julia Indichova ? By the way, one obviously needs to ovulate on occasion at least to have any kind of hope to fall pregnant. I haven't read Inconceivable but certainly wouldn't mind reading it as it sounds like an amazing story.
I feel as though I've done a lot of grieving this week but then my denial/non-acceptance of my situation creeps in and I think I maybe do still have another shot at motherhood. I simply don't know where I'm placed and that makes for some very confusing conversations with myself!
All I know is I don't want to fight this anymore. I think I will just let go of it all as best as I can as I wait for a proper diagnosis. No prenatal vitamins and no Clomid while the jury is out. I will keep charting to prove that my cycles are still annovulatory but that's about it. Although it feels odd to let go of my TTC patterns; I do feel some relief that my wasted efforts are coming to a close.
So all I can do is take it one day at a time. I will just go with what my Dr suggested and have another round of blood tests and see what results come out of those. It is a maddening place to be - half-knowing it's all over but having to wait for the full medical evidence before I can properly move on.
I am actually doing okay though, I think. I blog six mornings a week (with Sundays off) and it is so therapeutic for me. I just write what is on top and surprise, surprise I've had some devastating news in the last week so therefore my posts have reflected that. The feedback I get from some annoys me - kind of along the lines of push it to one side and carry on with my life as if my world isn't crumbling.
Well actually there are positives in my day - every day. I just do not necessarily report them within my blog as my blog is my emotional outlet. It is because I can purge here that I can go on with my day and hopefully be as present as possible in it.
I have started my day every day for a long time with a gratitude list. I list five things every morning that I am grateful for. Even within this time there are certainly things to be grateful for. I feel very connected to the God of my understanding right now despite the fact my will and His will do not match. There is healing going on spiritually and emotionally. A lot of good is coming out of this situation as far as relationships with others go. Of course I don't yet have the perspective to appreciate that fully.
I am a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and has no issues with feeling her feelings. I always tell it like it is. This blog is firstly for me, secondly for anyone else who wants to read it. I am afterall the one experiencing this nightmare. If you choose to read this then you will know by now that it isn't always the most uplifting reading. But it's honest. It's real. And I know some women appreciate that. I am not about making light of difficult situations. That is not my style at all.
Last night I emailed out the invites for my Girls Night Out for my 40th in five weeks time. It is a fun night with a bodyjam class, dinner, and then dancing in town. I am not all doom and gloom. I have a sense of humour despite my current state of affairs. I feel I have to prove this to some out there right now and that just downright sucks. Have a heart for goodness sakes.
So just know that I am trying to make the most of an unacceptable situation (in my mind). I am in conflict with myself just about every day - do I accept my dire news or to I just carry on as if it hasn't happened? Do I believe the medical perspective of no hope for me with FSH levels of 86 or do I hold out hope that a pregnancy could occur for me despite the odds a la Julia Indichova ? By the way, one obviously needs to ovulate on occasion at least to have any kind of hope to fall pregnant. I haven't read Inconceivable but certainly wouldn't mind reading it as it sounds like an amazing story.
I feel as though I've done a lot of grieving this week but then my denial/non-acceptance of my situation creeps in and I think I maybe do still have another shot at motherhood. I simply don't know where I'm placed and that makes for some very confusing conversations with myself!
All I know is I don't want to fight this anymore. I think I will just let go of it all as best as I can as I wait for a proper diagnosis. No prenatal vitamins and no Clomid while the jury is out. I will keep charting to prove that my cycles are still annovulatory but that's about it. Although it feels odd to let go of my TTC patterns; I do feel some relief that my wasted efforts are coming to a close.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Took my last prenatal vitamin yesterday
I'm a little confused as to what I should be doing right now now that I'm somewhere between being properly diagnosed with ovarian failure and half-way through a cycle after round three of Clomid. (day 16 today). My temperature is so very low right now; it is obvious (to me) that I am in another annovulatory cycle.
I phoned my gyno surgery yesterday and asked that my gyno call me which he is due to do after lunch today. I really need to talk to him to discuss where I'm at. I was given an unofficial ovarian failure diagnosis via a blood report I received on Saturday in the mail, my Dr didn't want to elaborate too much on the diagnosis when I talked to her on Monday and wanted to do another lot of blood tests before confirming things. She plans to write to my gyno once the second lot of bloods are in.
From where I stand it seems absolutely ridiculous to continue with the Clomid. I have another day 21 progesterone test to do next Wednesday to check whether I ovulated or not. It may sound incredibly negative; but I know I haven't. I just know it. My prenatal vitamins ran out yesterday and it doesn't feel right buying any more. Don't worry people, if I thought there was any chance I could get pregnant then I would continue with them. Bascially TTC was a huge joke this cycle anyway as I have been too much of a mess to go there this week and my husband has been sick with a stomach bug! I have let go of TTC for now. Neither of us are in the right emotional or physical space to do so.
I am sure as hell hoping that my gyno will deliver some encouraging news today yet at the same time I know in my heart that this is it for me. I so don't want it to be and would do anything to turn around my situation. But I am completely and utterly powerless.
It has been a very emotional week with lots of tears and I've been so very tired. I've just been very kind to myself and have been taking it easy. I just really want this to all be over even though it is breaking my heart exiting the fertility race.
I opened my emails this morning to hear that a friend who has been struggling with primary infertility is pregnant with twins via IVF. I am rapt for her and shed some tears for her - as she's been through so much to get here. I also shed some tears for me as I am just so very, very sad that another pregnancy is so very unlikely at this point for me.
I phoned my gyno surgery yesterday and asked that my gyno call me which he is due to do after lunch today. I really need to talk to him to discuss where I'm at. I was given an unofficial ovarian failure diagnosis via a blood report I received on Saturday in the mail, my Dr didn't want to elaborate too much on the diagnosis when I talked to her on Monday and wanted to do another lot of blood tests before confirming things. She plans to write to my gyno once the second lot of bloods are in.
From where I stand it seems absolutely ridiculous to continue with the Clomid. I have another day 21 progesterone test to do next Wednesday to check whether I ovulated or not. It may sound incredibly negative; but I know I haven't. I just know it. My prenatal vitamins ran out yesterday and it doesn't feel right buying any more. Don't worry people, if I thought there was any chance I could get pregnant then I would continue with them. Bascially TTC was a huge joke this cycle anyway as I have been too much of a mess to go there this week and my husband has been sick with a stomach bug! I have let go of TTC for now. Neither of us are in the right emotional or physical space to do so.
I am sure as hell hoping that my gyno will deliver some encouraging news today yet at the same time I know in my heart that this is it for me. I so don't want it to be and would do anything to turn around my situation. But I am completely and utterly powerless.
It has been a very emotional week with lots of tears and I've been so very tired. I've just been very kind to myself and have been taking it easy. I just really want this to all be over even though it is breaking my heart exiting the fertility race.
I opened my emails this morning to hear that a friend who has been struggling with primary infertility is pregnant with twins via IVF. I am rapt for her and shed some tears for her - as she's been through so much to get here. I also shed some tears for me as I am just so very, very sad that another pregnancy is so very unlikely at this point for me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thawing out
I've started (slowly) telling friends and family about my "news". Each time I tell someone it makes it more real, my denial is chipped away just a little bit more and I am forced to accept my reality. Boy do I hate it. I am so very, very angry with God right now. As my husband said this morning I will need to forgive God. I know. But I have a way to go at this point.
The tears have been flowing and I want to just stay in bed for a week and sleep and cry. I am so exhausted with all these emotions that are being released. I feel so flat. I went to bodycombat last night and had nothing much to give. The fight in me is gone as the fight is over and I feel well and truly defeated. I have been in this "fighting infertility" mode for so long that it is what I became. Now I don't know what I am. I feel lost all over again.
I am going to phone my gyno's surgery today about my recent blood test results as it seems ridiculous to do another round of Clomid at this point. It will be interesting to see how he interprets the results.
The tears have been flowing and I want to just stay in bed for a week and sleep and cry. I am so exhausted with all these emotions that are being released. I feel so flat. I went to bodycombat last night and had nothing much to give. The fight in me is gone as the fight is over and I feel well and truly defeated. I have been in this "fighting infertility" mode for so long that it is what I became. Now I don't know what I am. I feel lost all over again.
I am going to phone my gyno's surgery today about my recent blood test results as it seems ridiculous to do another round of Clomid at this point. It will be interesting to see how he interprets the results.
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