Goodbye 2010!

Another short and sweet post to say goodbye to 2010 - a year that has been about letting go on the SIF front - letting go of a dream (to have another biological child), letting go of the outcome of our alternate plan (to adopt a child) and letting go of the last four years of pain, grief, and hope. I know I cannot completely wipe the slate clean in 2011 - the stink of SIF will waver for years to come. But I have done everything in my power to make my life about other things in 2011. SIF will not be my focus; whatever the year brings. I wish nothing but peace and happiness to other women/families out there going through IF and SIF - and hope those that are "through it" continue to heal.

Merry Christmas!

Just a short post today to wish my readers/followers a very Merry Christmas. Thanks for reading and keeping up with my story. I sincerely hope 2011 comes with some good news for you all - in whatever form that may be.

We received a letter from Adoption Services this week to say that our profile has been accepted. So except for a small amount of paperwork that we will need to do in January; we are done and dusted with the adoption process. It's a good feeling. :) Our file is valid until April 2012 - if we want to remain in the "waiting pool" after that we have to send out a new application form, do another lot of medical and police checks plus provide two referees again. It will be interesting to see if we want to remain in the pool when this eighteen month period is up. I thought we'd be in for two years but obviously they start the two years from when the main application form is handed in.

I'm feeling pretty good as Christmas approaches. I'm surrounded by extended family right now which helps ease the pain of SIF that rears it's ugly head this time of year. I do have to apply self-preservation though and have to put a little distance between myself and some families of four that I know.

I left Dailystrength last weekend which was a freeing thing to do. I have also told the members of the local IF support group that I have started that I will be stepping down from hosting nightly meetings next year. I am still keen to organise casual cafe meetings every couple of months but personally need to move on from hearing about IF regularly. I really want and need to heal from it all. I'm hoping someone from the group will step into my shoes and offer to take nightly meetings or organise something so that the women who are still TTC/ going through treatments have somewhere to go.

My daughter was with me when we handed in our profile over a week ago. She has been telling kids and adults that she is "getting a brother or sister." For the most part she understands it is only something that might happen. But my heart does break for her whenever I hear her mention the sibling thing. For that reason I am glad that we have this eighteen month period of time to get through - to wait. I don't think as a family we can wait too much longer for a child to join us as we all need the closure - but at least it's not far now til we will get that. But I don't know what kind of a space we will be in when our eighteen months in the pool is up - perhaps we will want to wait another two years. I've no idea. But for now I have to break it down in chucks - smaller periods of time are easier to manage.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. xx

No Christmas baby

It's my fourth Christmas of hoping for another shot at motherhood. Four years of praying, living with the grief of SIF, growing emotionally and spiritually because of SIF, accepting and battling my fate, and moving on (ever-so-slowly) from what seemed like a simple desire many years ago - to have another child. It has been quite the journey.

And I still care. - still care and want that original dream to work out. Still want, carve and grieve the loss of the biological child that never came. Somehow Christmas makes the whole thing seem a whole lot worse. It is hard to see others - even others who well and truly deserve that much-wanted second child; get their Christmas bundles. When I revealed to some that we were close to going into the pool for prospective adoptive parents it was too easy and obvious that some would exclaim that we might get a baby for Christmas. I understand that friends are only looking out for us when they make comments like that. Yet the cold stark reality of adoption, and of SIF; is that miracles don't always happen. Yes, we are in the pool now. But there are no birth families looking to adopt out babies right now in our region. It will be another Christmas without a baby in my arms. I cannot pretend that that desire to hold and love another child isn't there. The tears are there this Christmas just like they were four years ago.

Our social worker went on holiday yesterday and isn't back til January 5th. She gave me some more feedback for our second draft of our profile and I've made the suggested changes and then my husband printed it out at his work today so it is ready to drop in to Adoption Services within the week. We still have a small amount of paperwork to do next year when our social worker gets back. So we've done just about everything entailed in the adoption process except for filling out two bits of paperwork. It would have been nice to have it all tidied up for 2010 but I guess things are just working out the way they are meant to - this whole thing has been dragged into 2011.

I feel as though I have been triggered on the SIF front in several ways this week - not just with the whole Christmas thing going on and that being a reminder of broken dreams - but also a few comments this week from my daughter about her "sister or brother" - she still has hope and talks freely about her sibling as if one is really coming - it breaks my heart on the days when adoption doesn't feel very hopeful. One of my daughter's caseworkers who hasn't been in touch for a year asked if another one had come along this week. I brushed that comment off with a "Not yet. Well you never know..." and wanted to kick myself for saying so. But I just couldn't do it - couldn't reveal my SIF as it has been many months since I've had to disclose my SIF to anyone. If feels as though it has gone back to being my dirty little secret as it was for a while before I starting blogging/forming a support group and joining online groups.

We have a steady stream of visitors coming through from this Saturday til January 8th so I guess my focus will soon be changed around SIF. Not that I have purposefully being dwelling as I have been very busy with work and ASD issues at my daughter's school - I've barely been able to keep up with my life. Yet I feel the heartache of SIF lingering in the background. The fear that our last shot at parenthood for the second time might not happen is right up there right now. I don't feel so blase about the outcome right now. I want it to work out. (adoption). I'm also aware of how much more waiting we have to do - another two years of building our lives quite significantly around the unknown. For the next two years we will have to consider plans carefully in case a baby does come into the picture. I resent living in limbo yet I have made the choice to do so as I cannot at this point let go of this dream.

I know I am overtired and stressed at the moment. My daughter is home sick as she has a stomach bug and I am meant to be work. I have been juggling motherhood and work for several works now as I've been working more in order to meet deadlines. It has made me grumpy as normally I have the work-life balance thing sorted with working 12 hours a week but when it is closer to 20 hours a week; I get exhausted.

I guess the one big thing I have done this week around SIF is I have declared it to be my last week with Dailystrength (til Saturday). I joined three years ago and it is time to move on. So guess I am making progress with all this. It's just at times like this, when the SIF grief feels big and I have to apply a lot of self-preservation and keep my distance from families of many; I wonder if I will ever not have this inner-ache that I feel like I have lived with for way too long. I so desperately want my life to be about other things - to move past all this. But it seems SIF runs so deep that there are times in my life - probably always will be - when it surfaces and takes over.

2nd draft of profile done

I went in for an appointment with our Social Worker on Thursday last week to look over our profile as she and two other staff members at Adoption Services had suggested some changes. I spent an hour or so making the changes and emailed the second draft off to her on Sunday night, so she should have received it this week. But I haven't heard back from her yet so will follow that up next week as I'm aware she is knocking off for Christmas very soon.

Apparently we are considered to be in the pool for prospective adoptive parents - even though our profile hasn't officially been handed in yet. I'm really looking forward to handing over the hand-copy of our profile and just walking away from it all. I'm more than ready to wind up this whole adoption process and this whole trying to add to our family deal. It does feel as though things have started to drag getting the profile to the final stages.

For a few weeks I felt quite positive and hopeful about the adoption process. But at the moment I am concerned about elements of our profile - "our story" as such, that may not be so appealing to some. Afterall, we've had to share our life history warts and all - the past - and the present. After a challenging couple of weeks on the autism front with our daughter; I wonder if the family member who said perhaps we are better off just having one child because of the ASD factor, is in fact, right. I've been asked to elaborate about life with our daughter in our profile. Anyone who understands autism even remotely knows that these children need a lot of extra special care and attention. I guess I have heard one story too many where siblings of autistic children are affected.

There is no perfect family. I know that - especially these days after having survived SIF. But I know the perspective of a birth family must be about aiming for the most perfect family possible since as birth parents they have obviously decided they are not up to the job.

I also worry about having to say that we'd more than likely put our potential adopted child into childcare at some point. Yet I don't know for sure what will happen as I may take maternity leave and then decide not to go back to work - which is what happened with my daughter - I didn't go back to the job I had maternity leave from but took on a different job with lesser hours. I understand about needing to be as clear as possible for the birth family but it is hard to predict how things will go when we don't know the timing of a potential adoption happening, where we will be at financially or what kind of head-space I will even be in to make decisions about work and when and if childcare even enters into the equation.

I guess when our social worker asked if I could work from home I kind of got the vibe that perhaps childcare in the earlier years isn't perhaps an appealing offer for some birth families. I've pointed out in the profile that I only actually work 12 hours a week and have no plans to increase my hours. Sigh. We can only be who we are, I guess. At this point in time I do need to work to help pay our mortgage. But with two kids we'd be eligible to more government support and once you factor in the cost of childcare - we possibly might be in the same boat whether or not I work or not. Perhaps I need to do some calculations to get my head around things and this might lead to some further clarity in our plans for our profile.

I've been busy with work - and still am - these past few weeks. In fact I haven't blogged for well over two weeks as my head has been full of work stuff. I'm looking forward to the Christmas holidays just to slow down and get some r & r.

I am a little anxious about the whole profile deal - that's why I just want it done and dusted so I cannot worry anymore about the content. I also feel my SIF stuff lurking in the background with Christmas just around the corner. I guess Christmas is a time of acknowledging one's dreams in life and when they haven't happened; it can be painful.

Many of the women I've met on my SIF journey are doing well. Babies have arrived or are arriving soon. Or there is a lot of hope in the air as new procedures or treatments are tried. At the same time my heart bleeds for the women I know who have reached the end of the road - who have to rebuild their lives somehow. I still stand somewhere in the middle - we have the opportunity at least to be considered for adoption - but it might not happen. I have no idea how this is all going to turn out. But just looking forward to 2011 being about other things - whatever they are.

Social worker has received our profile!

I got an email from our social worker today saying that she has received our profile and that that she, another social worker and another staff member will all be looking at it over the next couple of weeks. She said it looked great at a glance which was good to hear. She said to be assured that if a birth family came through soon then all efforts would be made to finalise our profile.

I'm quite happy with the timing as I have a busy couple of weeks coming up at work and really want to get things tidied up on the work-front before going into the pool. Our social worker said in an email that she was aware that Christmas was looming and so the aim is to get us in the pool before Christmas - so not long to go at all!

I feel the most incredible sense of relief knowing we are so close to being prospective adoptive parents. As my husband said, it is quite good going in to the pool at the end of this year because that means we only have to hang around for two full years to see what happens. It all feels right anyway - the way we have approached the adoption process - slowly but surely in our own time.

After feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off after completing the first draft of our profile; I have found this natural urge emerging to focus on the next thing. It is as though all this energy that went into hoping for another child and trying different ways to achieve this dream has come back to me again. I am astounded to realise just how much of myself I lost in so many ways as I went through the whole SIF deal. I have been looking online at writing courses and at a job that interests me. Yet I cannot really pursue these other things as writing courses involve money we don't have right now and starting a new job would really throw a spanner in the works as we enter the pool for prospective adoptive parents. But still; it's good to think about other things I might want to do with my life should I end up a Mum of One for good.

Although the limbo of being in the pool will restrict and define how we live our lives somewhat over the next couple of years; it won't be as frustrating as the limbo of living with secondary infertility. At least at this point in time we know exactly where we stand - we have reached the end of the road for adding to our family (adoption) - it's either going to work, or not. It really is that simple.

I have sent messages on Facebook to three groups around where we are at in the adoption process (near the end) - my in-laws, my Dailystrength friends (some of whom have moved on from Dailystrength) and my local friends who have known about our desire to adopt. There are others out there who know a little about our adoption plans but I will wait until we are in the pool before announcing it to the world - or at least on Facebook. We have been relatively open about our adoption plans but I am still somewhat careful around who I disclose full details to.

Already one friend today came back with how it would be a nice Christmas present - if we got picked this year. Hmmm. I have spent the last three Christmases hoping and dreaming another addition to the family would be here to share it with us. I am not holding my breath. Don't get me wrong - I am excited to have this opportunity to even be considered by birth families as adoptive parents. But I really have no idea how this is all going to pan out. Most I've met who have adopted in this country have waited several years before anything happened so I'm sure we won't suddenly get a phonecall just minutes after going into the pool!

Yep, the whole SIF has caused me to me a bit of a cynic. Or am I just realistic these days? I'm not sure. I no longer feel bitter, or consumed about SIF or riddled with grief and pain. I seem to be able to live in the moment more and am able to enjoy what I have in life - rather than what I don't. But I feel too defined still by this big loss that occurred in my life. It changed me. I still haven't quite figured out who I am post-SIF.

Emailed profile to social worker today!

Finally - our profile is done! I have spent quite a lot of time on it over the last two weeks - in particular the last weekend just been. I got my husband to read it last night and make any changes he thought we needed to make. I made the changes today and then emailed a copy off to our social worker. I gave her a call to tell her I'd emailed our profile through only to discover she's on leave til Tuesday. Nevermind. I know we are so, so close to being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents that I can just about taste it! ;)

It has been quite the process putting the profile together. I found it quite an exhausting task as essentially it was about telling our life story - and that meant including the good, the bad and the ugly. Plus I've included quite a few photos so have had to rifle through all our family photos over the last five and a half years. It has all been quite emotional and just huge really.

So to get it done is not unlike the feeling of getting a massive assignment or essay finished at university - the relief afterwards is the same - as is the questioning ie: Could I have done a better job? (!) That's why I had to email it off today as I was starting to examine every photo I had included and put myself in the position of birth families and wonder what they would think of when they looked at it. Which you of course partly have to do anyway - you do have to see things from the birth parents perspective and are encouraged to by the social workers.

I said to my husband that I thought we looked good - that our profile looks good and I'm happy with it. It is an honest account of who we are and the life we lead. It will be interesting to see what kind of feedback we get from our social worker.

Our profile ended up being 24 pages long - mainly because each new category - there were ten to write about starts on a new page. I cannot think of anything else to add so I guess it really is done!

I'm so pleased to have the profile finished though. I'm so rapt that we can wind up the year now knowing we have done our best as far as trying to add to our family goes. Good old-fashioned TTC didn't work, nor did fertility treatments or alternate methods (such as herbs, naturopaths and acupuncture) so we shall see what adoption holds in store for us.

I feel we have all the information we need, have allowed plenty of time to get our heads around open adoption (which is what social workers diplomatically encourage both birth families and adoptive parents to go for in this country), and are prepared in every way possible to be adoptive parents. I have been nesting even - especially at work - tying up loose ends just in case someone else may walk into my position sometime soon...

It does not feel like an unlikely scenario, even - that we could get picked as adoptive parents. In fact upon reading our profile, I cannot think but how can we not get chosen? Of course I'm biased and understand it's about what birth families are looking for matching what we have to offer. But I do feel we have a chance. I feel more hopeful about adoption working out for us than I ever did when TTC for our second child - even with fertility drugs and after an operation I just knew my time was up and that many of the things I tried were a big fat waste of time.

But if we don't get picked I know I will find peace with that outcome. Even getting this far - on the brink of submitting our profile into the pool has ended up being a huge healing process. Because adoption is just a maybe - there is a lot of letting go involved in the adoption process. I just feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A friend commented today that she could see a change in me. I guess to some it may be quite obvious as I feel quite different - I feel free.

Our daughter has been involved a bit with the profile. I think it's important she knows adoption could happen for us but I don't want it to be a big focus for our family once we are in the pool. I am looking forward to starting a new era in 2011.

It feels so great to get my life back again as it has been four long years of hoping to add to our family. I have some creative plans in the wings - in particular I am finally ready to start writing/editing the book I always said I would write about SIF which will be based on this blog. After putting our profile together with an index; I know the time has arrived. I'm painting again and am in an art class and am really enjoying just being in the moment. I have books to write and art to sell. I know 2011 will be about that. The second child business I have handed over to God. I've done my part. It's all up to Him now.

Triggered

We've just had family stay for four nights and I seem to be experiencing a bit of an emotional backlash. What seems to have come to the fore of late is that my family of origin stuff is very much intertwined with SIF. I always suspected I wanted to create the perfect family of four as a consequence of some childhood dysfunction. I am aware that there is a part of me that wants to compensate for the past - that the child within is still healing and craves a peaceful, stable and loving home life.

Perhaps the God of my understanding will just bless us as a family of three as adding another child to the mix would be a duplication of the family I grew up in - and maybe I'm not meant to recreate the past - perhaps I am just meant to have the family I have today as it stands. After having another child under our roof for four nights, it is obvious to me just how much I want to play "happy families" - so much as so I almost don't trust my own motives for wanting another child.

My parents separated when I was 24 and divorced a few months later. It was so long ago yet there is a part of me that still grieves my family - my family being altogether. All these years on and it still hurts that we (my family of origin) live in four different places within Australasia. It means we don't see each other much. It affects our daughter - she often asks if she can invite her cousins round. Obviously we have made a choice to live where we do - away from family on both sides. We did move once (to where we are now) to be closer to family but they moved away! I don't think I would risk moving for family again as people are pretty transient these days. Besides, it seems we are simply living where we are meant to be living.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment around exposure to a child who is in the midst of an unstable home-life. It breaks my heart. And of course reminds me of my own upbringing. I have shed tears for this child and there are more to come. Although I have accepted God's will of no more biological children and possibly no more children at all for our family; I do not understand why others who cannot seem to provide a child with it's basic needs are granted several children - one of life's mysteries. I suppose today I feel a gaping hole around my family of origin stuff. I envy families that are close both emotionally and in proximity. It makes so much sense why I wanted to add another child to the mix - to heal past wounds - to perhaps have a shot at saving myself and my sister by creating the kind of home-life we both craved.

I know it isn't the responsibility of course of another child to heal my wounds. But I suppose if we did get picked as adoptive parents then perhaps we - the child and I - would be able to heal each other partly. Adoption is an imperfect situation, I know that. It will not erase the pain from any of the parties involved in the adoption triad - the adopted child, adopted parents and birth parents all come with their own forms of loss to adoption. But it is a solution in lots of ways and no doubt each adoption is as unique as every birth.

I've made some progress with our profile. I will do some more work on it this week. I have most certainly been taking my time with it while tying up some loose ends at work. It is hard to believe that once we go into the pool of prospective adoptive parents that we will be at the end of our journey in many ways - it will be our last attempt at trying to add to our family. I am relieved that after this - finishing the profile and submitting it into the pool - there won't be anything else to do. I am looking forward to starting 2011 without adding to our family being our main focus. There will be no TTC, no fertility treatments/operations or an adoption process to go through - it will all be over. Finally!

At least in a months time or so this will all be over. We should be closer to being in the pool and closer to moving on with our lives. Really it will just be next year and the year after of quietly waiting in the background to see if we get picked as birth parents - and then that's it - we will be able to move on for once and for all if we don't get picked.

I want to start 2011 as SIF-free as possible - no more Dailystrength for starters. Plus I want to have some goals/things to look forward to. I plan to do the same the year after.

I feel the old me emerging a little these days though I know I have changed a hell of a lot because of SIF. I certainly have a new kind of compassion and am able to really reach out now when others face their own losses in life. All people want is to be heard and acknowledged in their grief. It is that simple. That was all I wanted and I really do not find it hard to understand that when others are faced with grief that they are feeling lost and alone like I did for such a long time.

Last week we had the IF support meeting here in town. Five of us turned up. It was a good meeting and great to see women connecting in the group. I was on the fence about continuing meetings next year but think I will hold bimonthly meetings with cafe meetings inbetween. I feel as though I wear two hats: the SIF one and a Mum hat. I still feel displaced and very much between infertility and motherhood. I don't seem to have a full membership to either club!