A New Freedom

It seems I have been waiting a very long time to end my SIF/family building journey. So unbelievable in some ways that in a weeks time, it will all be over!

Relief has been the main feeling I've felt for the last few months. Relief that life can soon/now be about different things - other things.

I had coffee with a friend this weekend who is going through primary infertility. How nice it was to be able to share with her that there is an end to it all - an end to the emotional torture, regardless of whether a baby comes or not.

We purchased some bunks this week for our spare room. When we bought our house two years ago, one of the reasons was because it was a three bedroom home and could accommodate our hoped-for family-of-four. The social worker from Adoption Services came round and inspected our place. She ticked it off as been a good home for an adopted child.

So for the two years we've lived here, our spare room has been an in-between room - a room that might one day be decorated or kitted out for our addition.

Now that that isn't going to happen, we've accepted that our spare room is a guest room/office (aka my "woman-cave"!). It's not the biggest of rooms so the bunks fit perfectly for guests and I have space to write in the office and do whatever else I want to do (blog, use Facebook...)

The closure around this era feels good. I'm certainly ready for it and embracing it - the end of an era.

There are changes ahead.  I was sharing with the friend going through primary infertility how small my world became when dealing with secondary infertility/going through premature menopause. Well my world is opening up again and I just want to embrace and enjoy life.

I am not happy in my job and am making steps towards finding another one. I have decided I want to do teacher aiding as it fits in with school hours and working with special needs children has always been an interest of mine, even before I was a Mum and ended up with a daughter with autism - that is simply one of life's ironies. 

My current part-time job is demanding and unrewarding in so many ways.  I am done with it. I want to teacher-aide and then find time in my week to write, write, write - because at the moment that (writing) isn't happening as much as I'd like it to. My brain is too full with the stress of my job and I am exhausted a lot with my husband working 12 hour days. 

I want and deserve a more balanced life - especially after enduring a disappointment (understatement) like the one I've been through - 5.5 years of pining is too bloody long, if you ask me. And not in character with how I usually respond to life's u-turns. Normally I get it quite fast in the piece - I back paddle out of situations that don't appear to be working for me. But not with SIF. It was just something I couldn't let go of for a very long time.

But I have no regrets. I TTC, used fertility drugs and went through the adoption process for another child and nothing worked. I can't say I didn't try or didn't give it my best shot.

Now that I have a conclusion, I finally feel I can sit down and spend some time writing my book about my experience. Even though I've been blogging on this topic for four years, and I've wanted to write a book about it for some time and have started editing my blog; I did need an ending to give me a perspective of some sort. I like that I can offer a tale of stamina, strength and honesty based on not getting what I wanted.

I've met a few women - mainly online but also some in real life (through the infertility support group I started), who once they got pregnant after a time of infertility, hoped and even believed that I would too - or later down the track,  believed that we would get picked as adoptive parents. I wanted to have the faith these women had for me after their dreams were realised but I guess at some point reality hit and I knew the chances of me joining them were incredibly slim, for reasons known only by God.

When I drove past Adoption Services this week I could only think it was meant to be part of our journey - going through the adoption process. I learnt a lot and healed too around not being able to have a biological child at that time. I know I could raise a child that wasn't biologically ours now. I probably always could have done that, but after having a biological child it did take a while to make that leap.

Now I'm in a position of seeing the word's children in a different way - it's not just about mothering our own, it's about mothering those that come to us. I know with teacher aiding I will bond with children in some amazing ways. I've been there before, a lifetime ago before I was a mother myself - nurturing children with special needs. I guess this is the direction I am meant to be heading in.

The Final Countdown...

Wow, 14 days to go until our adoption fire expires. Two weeks to go until we will be finally done and dusted with this long, painful and frustrating period of our lives.

I know once we're officially out of the pool of prospective adoptive parents, I will be able to move on and make sense of things.

Over the last few days our seven year old daughter has been asking about siblings again. When she asked today I had to say that we weren't picked - that there were lots of families to choose from and they were all different so there were lots of choices for the families adopting out. I'm not sure how much of it she got. She just wanted a chance to be a "big sister".

As I walked back from the fish and chip shop tonight, I saw two siblings (one is in my daughter's class) playing happily together on a trampoline. I know our daughter is missing out, not having a sibling in so many ways. I have to try extra hard to provide her with play dates so that she is around other children as much as possible. This is easier said than done when autism is added to the mix.

Who knows how things might have gone had another child being added to our family. If it had happened biologically, perhaps we may have ended up with a second child with autism. That could have been a possibility. Or if we'd adopted, who knows what the dynamic between our daughter and another sibling would have been like. I know from the families I know with autistic children that their siblings are affected and things can be tricky. But at the same time, family is family and to have a sibling that loves you for you; that is priceless.

I spoke to a very close friend today who went through primary infertility and went on to try for another child but it didn't happen - she reached the end of the road recently with that. So we were able to share about our journey's and the relief we felt at being at the end of it all. We tried to be positive about it all, as best as we could.

I packed up some of my daughter's old clothes today to post to one of my sister-in-law's who has three children. It's all her size six and seven clothing. I always find it to be a little heart-wrenching saying goodbye to her old things - things that represent different eras that I'll never get back, especially because she's my only one.

Now my daughter is seven she seems like such a big-little girl - no longer a new entrant at school and so sophisticated in her thinking and speech in lots of ways.

Even though I am reflecting back a bit as we approach the end of the road with this journey; I am also looking forward. I just want life to be as fun and as light as possible after all the heaviness and seriousness of the last five and a half years. Life is short and I can't stop life throwing me a lemon every now and then. But I can enjoy the good bits and make the most of things the way they are.

Adoption File Expires in 3 Weeks!

Finally it's April 2012. The month and the year in which this five and a half year chapter in my life finishes. At long-bloody-last!!

I'm well over it. And in many ways I have moved on - emotionally and spiritually. I've carried on with my life and gone on to live it as a Family Of Three. Who knows when exactly I determined that it was best to stop hoping and dreaming for A Family Of Four. I guess it happened in stages. I just couldn't do it to myself anymore.

I've found a new freedom in accepting what wasn't meant to be. Though admittedly a little part of me - (so very, very small) - wonders if at the end of all this, at the eleventh hour, if we might get "The Phone-Call." That is, the call they talk about during the adoption process where the social worker apparently starts the call with "Are you sitting down?" Because what follows are the words that those couples (and singles) in the pool of prospective adoptive parents dream about "You've been picked!" (by a birth family.)

I'm not going to pretend I haven't played out that scenario and had visions of us all hopping into in the car off to some part of the country to collect "our baby." Moments of intense emotion have been anticipated too around taking home "our baby" while comforting the Birth Mum.

Yep, I have lived in hope and fantasy for a very long time.

So in three weeks time I genuinely am pleased that I can finally rid my hands free of secondary infertility. Because by that point I will no longer be TTC, trying fertility treatments. undergoing surgery or waiting for a baby to be adopted into our family in order for our family to feel complete. Secondary infertility will not be relevant - and hopefully will be very much redundant in my life. Because life will no longer be about trying to add to our family or trying to change what perhaps wasn't meant to be.

This period of time is significant not just because our adoption file is about to expire, but because I can now officially say I've been through "The Change." Yep, at 43 I am post-menopausal. I am finally on the other side of what was a very difficult transition - mainly because I did want another child but also because I was only 38 years old when I started going into premature menopause.

Our daughter is now seven years old. She was just 18 months old when I TTC for the second time. Most of her life has been about trying to add to our family. I always told her when she was seven we'd know whether a baby was coming to us or not. In three weeks time, when our adoption file finally expires, I will be able to give her that closure.

She hasn't asked about another sibling for a while. Perhaps her needs have changed or she's accepted her status as an only child. She gets lonely at times and my heart breaks during those moments. But she also, with her autism, needs a lot of space and quiet times. Maybe being an only child is what was best for her - even though it wasn't what I wanted.

We've had my husband's brother staying with us for the last six weeks. It has been challenging for all of us sharing our small three bedroomed home. Fostering for now remains something that may or may not be looked into further in the future. Perhaps it would be too disruptive - especially if it wasn't permanent. For now it doesn't feel like the right track to go down.

I think for anyone who has been through a loss and survived, the only way to move is forward. That is where I've been headed for a while now. But our upcoming closure in three weeks will help me further. I know I will really be able to get my teeth stuck into other dreams - such as writing my book about secondary infertility - once I've been set free.

I've learnt so much over the last five and half years. I know that my experience with SIF is more than just the death of a dream. It has been about opening up to the lessons offered when life throws a lemon - to allow myself to grow emotionally and spiritually at those times. I have mainly learnt that life is imperfect and that the bumps come along at any time. For that reason, I have given up fighting life and am accepting things the way they are - no matter how uncomfortable that is at times.

Updated Profile Handed In

Well I finally handed in our updated profile this week. I printed it off and then took it to our social worker. We sat down for a short five minute chat. She was checking in to see where we were at with things.

She asked twice if we wanted to remain in the pool of prospective parents past April and I said no. I said we very sure and happy with our decision to leave the pool at the end of April. I told her I was in a good place with it all and that other things were starting to open up in life. She said it sounded like a good place to be.

So I feel free in that knowing that's it - there is nothing further to do, no more updates to worry about. We have just six weeks left!! After that point, the whole journey of secondary infertility followed by the adoption process will finally come to an end.

I have to say, I'm pretty happy about that. :)

Despite my positive outlook of late, I do still get triggered by baby bumps and families of more than one. But it doesn't ruin my day like I used to. It's very much an in-the-moment kind of reaction. It is no nice to not be consumed by grief.

There are some friends I have kept on the outer for the last two years or more who have two or more children. For self-preservation reasons, I was only able to handle a couple of friendships in my life with women who had the families I'd dreamed and hoped about for so long while in the throes of SIF.

Now I'm slowly reconnecting with these women - and connecting with them around other things - not just motherhood.

I've been putting my book about secondary infertility together ever so slowly. I'm glad I'm writing it now as I think there will come a point where I don't want to think about it deeply any more. There are other things I want to write about - I want to have some fun with it all!

I hosted a meeting for the infertility support group I started up a couple of weeks back. The topic was Hope. Three women came along who have joined in the last six months. An infertility support network is certainly something that is needed in the community. I still run it but don't attend all the coffee groups for two reasons - the majority of women in the network are going through primary infertility and secondly because I'm not TTC and haven't been doing so for years. For now I just host formal meetings every four months and just email out suggested dates for coffee togethers. It seems to work.

I'm connected to an online early menopause group here in New Zealand, but I'm not a very active member. I was asked to submit a few sentences in order to part of alongside a handful of women to be selected for an upcoming magazine article. This is what I wrote:

Hi, I’m Lynda. When I was 38 years old my husband and I started trying for our second baby. It became clear quite early in the piece that something was array; especially since we conceived my daughter after just three months of trying. I slowly stopped ovulating and my periods became few and far between. My blood tests revealed that I could have POF – premature ovarian failure but this was never formally diagnosed. What followed was a year and a half of chasing herbalists, GPs, gynaecologists and eventually an infertility specialist in order to find an answer. I look relatively young for my age and no-one wanted to say the “M” word ie: menopause. I even had an operation at one point to remove a cyst in the hope that this would somehow restore my fertility. But deep down I knew I was undoubtedly going through premature menopause as I was experiencing hot flushes, night sweats, painful sex, my cycles were diminishing and I was battling mood swings. I was desperate to conceive another child but had to face the reality that wasn’t going to happen shortly before I turned 40 years old. Going through premature menopause was huge for me. It was an identity crisis unlike any other I have ever experienced! I felt much older than my years for a long time and this affected my self-esteem and femininity as a woman. I felt like a failure because I was unable to have any more children as well as feeling robbed by what should have been my God-given right. My sex drive was basically zilch as I went through it and I felt guilty as a consequence within my marriage. We are currently in the pool of prospective adoptive parents and our file expires this April. We’ve made a decision not to renew it as we are ready to move on. It has taken me years to work through and accept my fate of premature menopause. I’m now 43 years old and finally at peace with it all.

It was a really good exercise to write as it helped me condense my story in my head while at the same time giving me an opportunity to acknowledge my huge, life-changing journey! It was timely too in that I'm not "in" the midst of SIF anymore. I am most definitely on the other side of one harrowing journey that I wouldn't wish upon any woman.

The other day I was sitting outside my daughter's classroom, waiting for her to come out after school. I was talking to a friend and another Mum and somehow we started talking about menopause. The other Mum (who I don't know so well) shared how she's been through menopause - that she started at 43. I said I was 43 now and had been through menopause too - and that I had started at 38. She said "That is young." It was good to get that acknowledgment. I don't go around sharing my hormonal state with everybody; but I'm not afraid to in the right context. I'm all about educating and advocating!

It Might Not Be Right

I've been doing a lot of pondering over the last little while - about adoption/God/life. Yep, some soul-searching has been going on and with that has come a change in perspective.

Over five years of wanting things to be different in my life - or at least a thing (another baby in our family); caused me to have a negative outlook in life. I became a victim and although I was able to see some beauty in my life; the blinkers were on and I lost the ability to smell the roses.

In short, I was robbed of a lot of joy and contentment in my life. It was not a nice way to live.

Somehow, time, months and years of processing all this SIF shite, a reconnection with the God of my understanding and a very different take on life lately have resulted in a much healthier outlook.

Five years of "unaccepting" has ironically enough, led me to a place of acceptance.

Somehow breaking my elbow has resulted in a significant change in perspective. I have (finally) accepted the imperfections that life brings - accepted that life doesn't always go as planned; the unexpected happens and that we never know what is around the corner.

After five years of waiting and wanting another baby in our family; I do still question if it is the right thing for us now. So much has changed.

In the time I spent creating an "in-between" life - the life I had to keep me busy while I waited for our family to be "complete" - I have created a new life for myself - one that I have grown into and one that I am beginning to truly enjoy, for the first time in years.

The other day in town I was walking around alone while my daughter was at school, missing her like I often do and remembering all those days before she started school when she and I would have trips into town together or to the beach/park/cafes/wherever. There were of course several Mums in town pushing babies in buggies. It seems so long ago that that was me. So long ago that now, with my daughter turning seven in several weeks time, I find it hard to imagine handling a baby again.

I also was thinking in town how much time and energy looking after a baby requires. I am the sort of Mum that gives everything - or at least, that's how I was with my daughter when she was very young and dependent.

I have changed post-accident. Because my of arm injury, my parenting is different. Obviously I love my daughter in the same way I always have. But I need rest at the moment with my arm and I cannot do some things that I used to do with my daughter. It's been good for her independence, but hard in some ways for the two of us. I have to tell her Mummy needs to sit for half an hour (with a cast I have to wear to help straighten my arm) and that she has to do things for herself in that time.

What I'm trying to say is; I don't have it in me any more to ran around after a child! I'm not one hundred recovered by any means from my accident. I still have a way to go. And the reality is; I may and most probably will have for life, a permanent injury.

So in town I was thinking given that I only have a certain amount of energy and my passion for writing is reemerging loud and strong; I'm not sure I even want to sacrifice it all for another baby. Yep, you heard right!

Can you believe it?! After all this time, all this pining, all this grief and pain - and now I'm losing interest?!

Ironically just as I was having these thoughts in town one of the former adoption social workers walked by. Just as I was thinking, perhaps creativity is my "baby" now - not a baby in the flesh as such.

So what a turnaround. I'm not sure I'd be here if it wasn't for my arm-accident. It truly has been life-changing.

But, I do still plan to hand in our updated profile anyway very soon as our social worker is back from holiday. I figure we've gotten this far, I may as well. Even though I can't help but wonder if God wants me to let go of this dream - to figure it out for myself - and to not rely on Him for an answer/conclusion.

Still In Two Minds

Well, it seems I am still in turmoil as to whether to hand in our updated profile or not to our social worker. Our social worker is back from holidays this week so I need to make a decision soon...

Just when I think I've decided what I want to do about things, I don't feel a hundred percent satisfied with my decision. I guess we could always say no - if by some huge miracle we got picked as adoptive parents over the next couple of months, and I didn't feel up to it.

Because that's the truth. I don't feel up to parenting another child right now - for a number of reasons. I'm emotionally burnt-out after 5.5 years of living in the inbetween - living a life on hold and hoping for something that has seemed so far out of reach. Physically I'm in a lot of pain with my arm still and exhausted as daily life has an impact on my arm and I often have sleepless nights as it's very hard to get comfortable.

Spiritually I'm probably doing well with it all. I have given up trying to make life be the way I want it to be. It is so much easier living with what is rather than what isn't.

I have discovered a new-found freedom as I get closer to the end of this rather long era in my life. I do feel a lot more positive about life and am more engaged. I guess a lot of the energy that went into the pain and grief of SIF for so long has been turned around. It is a much better place to be in.

This is my third week of turning my blog into a book. Although I enjoy writing, it does bring stuff up reading some of my posts. I certainly went through some very hard times. (understatement!)

I know things are shifting in ways I cannot describe. Perhaps because I am ready to just let things unfold as they are meant to, I can finally enjoy the life I have been given.

I've planned a few trips over the next few months. My sense of adventure and fun has been reignited. I'm off to my hometown next month for work (for a weekend), then over Easter am going on a road trip with my family of three to the Westcoast of the South Island (just over three hours drive from where we live). In June my daughter and I are heading to Sydney for my niece's 10th birthday.

It feels as though I am able to celebrate again. I realised that we hadn't been away as a family of three for a while so I'm looking forward to our family-of-three road trip.

My relationships and friendships with MOTs (Mums-Of-Two) - or more - are easier. Although a part of me will probably always get a pang of jealousy or a stab of grief when I see siblings playing together; I no longer feel as resentful to the MOTs as I used to.

I even went and had a cup of tea with a Mum Of Three who lives across the road from me yesterday. She is going through treatment for breast cancer so is going through a lot. But we were able to talk openly about all sorts of things. Because of SIF, I feel I was able to understand the emotional side of being diagnosed with cancer.

Last weekend my sister and my niece visited from Sydney. My niece is also an only-child. My daughter said she wished they were sisters but we all agreed that cousins were a close second to being siblings.

I have never really seriously considered raising an only child as I didn't want that to be the case for so long. Now that it is most likely the way it is going to be permanently, I will make allowances for that the best I can. I can no longer think the heartache of being an only child will be taken away by the arrival of another sibling as that just doesn't feel like a possibility anymore.

I think I need to do some soul-searching over the next few days and decide whether or not I want to drop off our updated profile. I think it would be quite freeing to let go of the whole adoption process right now. I need to have a few words with God to see what He thinks.

At Crossroads

A week ago my body started to have what I think is a backlash to all the medication I've been on post-surgery the last couple of months. I've had vomiting, nausea, stomach cramps and well, the rest. Scarily many of the symptoms are in line with bowel cancer. So I went to my Dr and have been recommended to have a colonoscopy. I'm not sure yet if I'm going ahead with it.

After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.

Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.

It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.

It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.

Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.

Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.

I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.

Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.

I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...

So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.

I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.

I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.

It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.

I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.