Updated Profile Handed In

Well I finally handed in our updated profile this week. I printed it off and then took it to our social worker. We sat down for a short five minute chat. She was checking in to see where we were at with things.

She asked twice if we wanted to remain in the pool of prospective parents past April and I said no. I said we very sure and happy with our decision to leave the pool at the end of April. I told her I was in a good place with it all and that other things were starting to open up in life. She said it sounded like a good place to be.

So I feel free in that knowing that's it - there is nothing further to do, no more updates to worry about. We have just six weeks left!! After that point, the whole journey of secondary infertility followed by the adoption process will finally come to an end.

I have to say, I'm pretty happy about that. :)

Despite my positive outlook of late, I do still get triggered by baby bumps and families of more than one. But it doesn't ruin my day like I used to. It's very much an in-the-moment kind of reaction. It is no nice to not be consumed by grief.

There are some friends I have kept on the outer for the last two years or more who have two or more children. For self-preservation reasons, I was only able to handle a couple of friendships in my life with women who had the families I'd dreamed and hoped about for so long while in the throes of SIF.

Now I'm slowly reconnecting with these women - and connecting with them around other things - not just motherhood.

I've been putting my book about secondary infertility together ever so slowly. I'm glad I'm writing it now as I think there will come a point where I don't want to think about it deeply any more. There are other things I want to write about - I want to have some fun with it all!

I hosted a meeting for the infertility support group I started up a couple of weeks back. The topic was Hope. Three women came along who have joined in the last six months. An infertility support network is certainly something that is needed in the community. I still run it but don't attend all the coffee groups for two reasons - the majority of women in the network are going through primary infertility and secondly because I'm not TTC and haven't been doing so for years. For now I just host formal meetings every four months and just email out suggested dates for coffee togethers. It seems to work.

I'm connected to an online early menopause group here in New Zealand, but I'm not a very active member. I was asked to submit a few sentences in order to part of alongside a handful of women to be selected for an upcoming magazine article. This is what I wrote:

Hi, I’m Lynda. When I was 38 years old my husband and I started trying for our second baby. It became clear quite early in the piece that something was array; especially since we conceived my daughter after just three months of trying. I slowly stopped ovulating and my periods became few and far between. My blood tests revealed that I could have POF – premature ovarian failure but this was never formally diagnosed. What followed was a year and a half of chasing herbalists, GPs, gynaecologists and eventually an infertility specialist in order to find an answer. I look relatively young for my age and no-one wanted to say the “M” word ie: menopause. I even had an operation at one point to remove a cyst in the hope that this would somehow restore my fertility. But deep down I knew I was undoubtedly going through premature menopause as I was experiencing hot flushes, night sweats, painful sex, my cycles were diminishing and I was battling mood swings. I was desperate to conceive another child but had to face the reality that wasn’t going to happen shortly before I turned 40 years old. Going through premature menopause was huge for me. It was an identity crisis unlike any other I have ever experienced! I felt much older than my years for a long time and this affected my self-esteem and femininity as a woman. I felt like a failure because I was unable to have any more children as well as feeling robbed by what should have been my God-given right. My sex drive was basically zilch as I went through it and I felt guilty as a consequence within my marriage. We are currently in the pool of prospective adoptive parents and our file expires this April. We’ve made a decision not to renew it as we are ready to move on. It has taken me years to work through and accept my fate of premature menopause. I’m now 43 years old and finally at peace with it all.

It was a really good exercise to write as it helped me condense my story in my head while at the same time giving me an opportunity to acknowledge my huge, life-changing journey! It was timely too in that I'm not "in" the midst of SIF anymore. I am most definitely on the other side of one harrowing journey that I wouldn't wish upon any woman.

The other day I was sitting outside my daughter's classroom, waiting for her to come out after school. I was talking to a friend and another Mum and somehow we started talking about menopause. The other Mum (who I don't know so well) shared how she's been through menopause - that she started at 43. I said I was 43 now and had been through menopause too - and that I had started at 38. She said "That is young." It was good to get that acknowledgment. I don't go around sharing my hormonal state with everybody; but I'm not afraid to in the right context. I'm all about educating and advocating!

It Might Not Be Right

I've been doing a lot of pondering over the last little while - about adoption/God/life. Yep, some soul-searching has been going on and with that has come a change in perspective.

Over five years of wanting things to be different in my life - or at least a thing (another baby in our family); caused me to have a negative outlook in life. I became a victim and although I was able to see some beauty in my life; the blinkers were on and I lost the ability to smell the roses.

In short, I was robbed of a lot of joy and contentment in my life. It was not a nice way to live.

Somehow, time, months and years of processing all this SIF shite, a reconnection with the God of my understanding and a very different take on life lately have resulted in a much healthier outlook.

Five years of "unaccepting" has ironically enough, led me to a place of acceptance.

Somehow breaking my elbow has resulted in a significant change in perspective. I have (finally) accepted the imperfections that life brings - accepted that life doesn't always go as planned; the unexpected happens and that we never know what is around the corner.

After five years of waiting and wanting another baby in our family; I do still question if it is the right thing for us now. So much has changed.

In the time I spent creating an "in-between" life - the life I had to keep me busy while I waited for our family to be "complete" - I have created a new life for myself - one that I have grown into and one that I am beginning to truly enjoy, for the first time in years.

The other day in town I was walking around alone while my daughter was at school, missing her like I often do and remembering all those days before she started school when she and I would have trips into town together or to the beach/park/cafes/wherever. There were of course several Mums in town pushing babies in buggies. It seems so long ago that that was me. So long ago that now, with my daughter turning seven in several weeks time, I find it hard to imagine handling a baby again.

I also was thinking in town how much time and energy looking after a baby requires. I am the sort of Mum that gives everything - or at least, that's how I was with my daughter when she was very young and dependent.

I have changed post-accident. Because my of arm injury, my parenting is different. Obviously I love my daughter in the same way I always have. But I need rest at the moment with my arm and I cannot do some things that I used to do with my daughter. It's been good for her independence, but hard in some ways for the two of us. I have to tell her Mummy needs to sit for half an hour (with a cast I have to wear to help straighten my arm) and that she has to do things for herself in that time.

What I'm trying to say is; I don't have it in me any more to ran around after a child! I'm not one hundred recovered by any means from my accident. I still have a way to go. And the reality is; I may and most probably will have for life, a permanent injury.

So in town I was thinking given that I only have a certain amount of energy and my passion for writing is reemerging loud and strong; I'm not sure I even want to sacrifice it all for another baby. Yep, you heard right!

Can you believe it?! After all this time, all this pining, all this grief and pain - and now I'm losing interest?!

Ironically just as I was having these thoughts in town one of the former adoption social workers walked by. Just as I was thinking, perhaps creativity is my "baby" now - not a baby in the flesh as such.

So what a turnaround. I'm not sure I'd be here if it wasn't for my arm-accident. It truly has been life-changing.

But, I do still plan to hand in our updated profile anyway very soon as our social worker is back from holiday. I figure we've gotten this far, I may as well. Even though I can't help but wonder if God wants me to let go of this dream - to figure it out for myself - and to not rely on Him for an answer/conclusion.