It must be about six weeks since our adoption file expired. The first month post-it all ending was hard - way more emotions came up then I expected. I felt very raw and defeated.
But I'm feeling better about things now. I'm a big believer in feeling your feelings and working through things - pain comes up for a reason, and if faced, better times are on the other side of trying times. Sometimes a shift in perspective is all that is required - and this is something that can only come with time.
I suppose I've emerged out of the SIF chapter in my life a much stronger person. I certainly have way more compassion than I ever had before - and I was an empathetic, compassionate person before all this.
Life and the lemon's it throws, either to myself and others no longer surprise me. It's not that I think life completely sucks. More like, I think life is actually pretty good. But tragedy is part of life and will affect each and every one of us in different ways, either personally or to those who we love.
With SIF behind me, I feel I am able to understand big loss and major grief in a way I never could before. I understand that some life events are near impossible to overcome or if they can be overcome, could take a very long time to heal from.
I understand about rebuilding a life when a dream has been lost. About starting again and finding a new direction.
I really, really get at a deep level, that life is not perfect.
Accepting life on life's terms, and being able to see the bigger picture is finally allowing me the perspective I've needed to put SIF behind me. It is something that happened to me. Not something that is happening to me now.
Sure, I will get triggered probably in some way for the rest of my life. Pregnancy, babies and siblings - those are all bittersweet things that will always be part of my life as life is about child-birth and families, afterall. I don't think I will ever be cured or done and dusted completely with SIF.
But I will not dwell on it. I have a belief in God and God is helping me let go, to finally move on from a dream that wasn't meant to be. I do trust that a different life awaits. I have to trust that it will be a life that will be just as good as the one I hoped for.
I feel blessed today. I've come out of all this with a new gratitude and appreciation for what is, rather than what isn't. Life can change in an instance. Things don't always go as we hoped and planned. But it is possible to not only survive the impossible, it is possible, I believe, to thrive.
I have booked to do a novel writing course next Sunday. I am deadly serious that I will write my book about my own secondary infertility experience. I am not afraid to share my story and to be an advocate for those in society who often go through SIF in silence. I don't think it should be or that it needs to be that way.
Last weekend my seven year old daughter and I went to Sydney for a weekend. It was a whirlwind trip - fun to see family and the sights of Sydney. I know I will now make more of an effort to spend time with family outside of our city now that our daughter really is a confirmed only child.
We have had some challenging times with our daughter - her autism changes as she gets older and in many ways although it is easier to read, it is harder to manage. I do think any sibling our daughter may have had would have being greatly impacted by her autism.
At the same time, our daughter was asking recently about adoption and we had to explain it was all over - we had explained it before, but I guess she's still digesting it. We talked about fostering. Even she said "Maybe when I'm older." But I don't know - I'm really not sure about fostering for us. I guess we will leave things as they are for this year. I have another operation for my arm later this year (to remove the metal). It doesn't feel like the right time at all to be considering opening our home to foster children.
My replacement starts at work tomorrow and we will be training for three weeks together. I haven't yet found another job but have applied and enquired about a couple of jobs to do with community/social work. It is the first time in five and a half years I'll be looking for a job for me as a career move as opposed to a job to do "until the baby comes." There is some freedom in that.
So all in all, I would say I'm in a pretty good place. I had a big response to the poem I wrote "Don't Leave Me Alone" in my last post, two weeks ago. I put it on Facebook and got some interesting feedback - many valued the insight to SIF. I was hurting when I wrote it and it was incredibly healing both writing and sharing it. That is my hope for those that follow in my footsteps with SIF; that they don't feel they have to get through it alone - that those around them will reach out as much as they possibly can. Nobody can take away the pain of SIF but being supported, even in a small way helps.
