Why Me?

I try not to do the woe-is-mes around this trying for baby number two on purpose. But sometimes I just get damn well triggered.

Like today at Playgroup it seemed like every second Mum had a bump and was commiserating with another bump-Mum about pregnancy complications. Or there were the Mums juggling a toddler and a baby simultanenously whilst talking about the woes of the Mum-of-two balancing act. I had a moment in which I had to blink away the tears.

Don't they know how lucky they are?

To experience morning sickness again would be a dream. In fact I welcome every pregnancy symptom under the sun should I be lucky enough to fall pregnant! I look forward to the chaos of managing two preschoolers. Somehow as a Mum of one thus far I feel as though my mothering skills have not had the opportunity to be stretched to full capacity.

I'm a good Mum - a stay-at-home Mum who takes her two year and eight month old to Playgroup twice a week, music and to swimming lessons. We go to the beach, to the playground, and for big walks at the local motorcamp. Twice a week there are playdates where little under-three friendships are forming.

I love cooking tea for my wee family and putting out snacks and making lunch for my little girl. Watching her grow up thus far has been an honour and sometimes I can't believe I'm actually a Mum. For these reasons I want to experience motherhood again. I want to know what it feels like to have a completely different personality in the house. There are a thousand different reasons why I want another child but I'm not going to list them all for fear of sounding corny.

I just plead to God some days, why me? Why can't I be a Mum-of-two like all those other Mums out there?

All I can do is trust that the God of my understanding will answer my burning desire to have another child in his own time and in his own way. Somehow I feel my journey in trying to conceive for baby number two has only just begun.

My back story

I started dating my husband-to-be when I was thirty - two years old. We married when I was thirty-five. One of the main reasons we married was so we could have children. We started to try for a family within months of getting hitched.

Because of my age, I chose to go to Natural Fertility New Zealand so I could learn all about charting etc. I had no idea at this point whether I was fertile or not but thought as long as we were trying when I was ovulating, our chances of conceiving would be considerably higher. Somewhat surprisingly I was pregnant within three months. I knew I was for sure as my period was never late, and I had strong smell aversions.

Two years and eight months ago I had my daughter via an emergency c-section. She was in foetal distress in response to some undiagnosed pain I'd been experiencing for three weeks before her delivery. After the c-section my right ovary was found, blackened and torted and it was subsequently removed.

I was warned by the obstertician that if I wanted any more kids, that I should act "sooner rather than later." However after a c-section and just a general settling-down period within motherhood, I really wasn't ready to get back on to the horse as such until eighteen months after my daughter's arrival. I had just turned thirty-six.

For the first few months of trying it become apparent that I was probably only ovulating every second cycle due to the erratic nature of my periods. However I did manage to conceive but had what is termed a "chemical pregnancy" and miscarried at six weeks. This was in December 2006.

I barely drink alcohol. I eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet in response to my miscarriage as I had heard that all three vices could be contributing factors. As a result I dropped 7 kg.

April 2007 I sought the help from a herbalist and a few months later added an acupuncturist to the mix. At the same time I sought medical advice and was given a prescription for Clomid from a gynaecologist . However at the time (the earlier part of 2007), I didn't feel ready to take a fertility drug and made a decision to stick to the natural remedies til the end of 2007.

As the end of 2007 approaches I have to accept the fact that neither the herbs or acupuncture have worked for me. My periods are more erratic than ever. At this point in time (November 2007) I haven't menstruated for three months. In the last few weeks I've had several blood tests to check my hormones and thyroids. In a couple of weeks I'm having an ultra-sound to see if there might be a cyst in there due to some unexplained bloating. I'm now thirty-nine years old.

I have found a Progesterone Cream on the New Zealand market which may or may not work for me. Firstly I have to do a saliva test and then a phone consult.

In January 2008 I have a tentative booking with a Doctor from Wellington who specialises in "women issues". My current Doctor is useless as far as hormonal imbalances go and so I recognise it is time to find one who is up with the play.

So until my period returns, this is all I can do.

Once it does, I'm pretty sure I will give Clomid a go.