I have just been into town - had a meeting and a cuppa with the women from the autism group I am connected to. I went shopping - I bought card and stickers for sticker charts for my girl and art canvasses on sale for myself. I also bought my husband some new pants (as in trousers) for his job interview tomorrow and some clothes for my daughter.
I'm home now. The washing machine is going and I have stuff to do. But I feel it today - that lingering gnaw of an emptiness inside that was meant to be filled by another child.
I feel as though I am moving forward in my life in some ways - there is movement happening on the creative front. I don't feel completely stagnant like I did for so long. But the desire of another child coupled with the reality of one not being here - and possibly not coming any time soon - is painful today.
Even in town I found myself wondering what my daughter would think of the clothes I bought her - how she would of course have input around which coloured pieces of card I purchased for her sticker-chart. But she wasn't with me. Her second year into school, she flew the nest well over twelve months ago. Yet I miss the early days, when we did have our trips into town and cafes and did our own thing on our own schedule.
I found out this week that a workmate is pregnant with her third child. She would be about my age. It was an unplanned pregnancy, apparently. It still feels like a new shock some days - that my body cannot produce another child. It is very hard to get past the feeling of feeling very old.
I have made an appointment to see a doctor next week for a half hour appointment about (early) menopause. It will be good to have the whole half hour appointment to have the opportunity to discuss the various menopausal symptoms I have.
I have organised a morning tea with the women from the infertility network I have started up in a weeks time. One of the women from the network is hosting it and it is child-friendly this time so some of the babies who have arrived since I started the network will be there. I was in a good space when I suggested the get-together - I'm just hoping this vulnerable phase will pass before the morning tea.
It still amazes me how SIF can throw me off in an instance. Today it was about simply coming home to an empty house after some time in town missing my daughter's company.
I have been trying to live my life simply with no expectations and for the most part that works. In four months time it would have been five years of hoping for another shot at motherhood. What a long, long time. I cannot believe I have had an unfulfilled dream for so long. The dream - the longing and the wanting - has never changed. I have never once over the last four and a half years felt as if I have moved on from this dream. Many times I have wished I would - but it is still a very real desire - as it was all those years ago when we first TTC our second child.
Apparently there is a programme on tv at the moment about reuniting people and it features adoption stories - New Zealand ones - called Missing Pieces. I'm not quite ready to watch that, I don't think. Another workmate commented about parenting a newborn in her forties - that she'd find that hard and she didn't think she could do it (in reference to the work colleague who is pregnant in her 40s). I think I would find it hard too, with my menopausal symptoms going on - and that worries me. That perhaps the reality is I couldn't cope with a young baby. I'm glad I haven't disclosed to work that I am hoping to adopt. I couldn't handle being questioned about it - however well intentioned. I'm glad I've kept it quiet.
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