Five Years On

It's now five years since we started the quest to add to our family. Our daughter was just eighteen months old when this journey started. Because I'd had a c-section, I was advised not to start trying for a second child too early on. But I'd been forewarned by the obstertician who delivered our daughter, that because I'd lost an ovary at the same time, that early menopause might be a possibility so I was urged to not leave it too late. I was 38 years old.

I knew my age was "up there" yet I had several friends and acquaintances who conceived at the same age - and even older. I did conceive pretty fast - only for it to end in an early miscarriage. I had a sinking feeling that this was the last pregnancy I would ever have.

Shortly afterwards it was clear there were issues with my fertility. Deep down I knew it was serious. Yet I thought I could conquer this thing called secondary infertility and somehow find the magic formula to make my body do what I desperately wanted it to do. I tried everything. I tried alternative therapies - acupuncture and a herbalist. I was told it was stress, it was normal, and that my wonky cycles could be fixed. I trusted, I hoped, I prayed.

But I wasn't getting any younger and time was running out so I stepped it up a notch and got medical help. I was prescribed clomid which didn't work, followed by an operation to remove a cyst that was meant to improve my fertility. Once again I trusted, I hoped, I prayed. When this didn't work I was referred to a specialist.

About this time we started going through the adoption process. I knew that the specialist wasn't able to help me so held off on going to an appointment for a while. Blood tests, my own research and monitoring as well a gut instinct all led to the painful revealation that I was indeed going through early menopause. I was so far gone that not even IVF was an option - not with my own eggs anyway.

When I finally went to a specialist for closure more than anything, my self-diagnosis was confirmed. Donor egg was the only way I could experience a pregnancy ever again.

As we had already gone down the adoption route, the donor egg option didn't come into it. I knew that this was our last chance to add a child from birth into our family and I just didn't have any further energy to explore any other alternatives.

It took us almost two years to go through the adoption process. It was intense and we chose to put things on hold for several months as the leap from biological to adoptive child is big for many, and it was for us.

There is a small chance that an addition to our family could still happen as we are currently waiting in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. Our file expires in April next year and although we could renew it, we have chosen not to. Fostering is a possible option but we don't know yet whether or not that is the right fit for our family. Time will tell.

Our daughter is now six and a half years old.

In the last five years our daughter has started and finished Kindergarten, and has almost been at school for two years. We've bought a house. I've changed jobs. Twice. Our cat died that we had for several years And we now have new pets - a kitten and a dog.

We've travelled to Australia, to the North Island several times and have had four Christmases.

I've changed my hairstyle several times, lost weight, put in on again, lost it again - and so on.

Externally family-life has altered several times. But the desire to have another child has not.

I've no idea how many pregnancies and births I've heard about in the last five years but there have been many. If I could have a coin for every birth announcement in the last five years, well I'd perhaps not be rich, but I may have enough for a good meal out!

Secondary infertility has been the strangest, loneliest and most maddening journey of my life to go through. How many times I wished I was happy with just one child over the last five years, I can't say. But I have certainly prayed and willed my very deep-set desire to go away. Although I have been unable to see that it was all for the best, I have after all this time ever-so-slowly started to embrace my fate.

Well-meaning comments over the last five years have centred around the dreaded "Be grateful for the one you've got." and "Perhaps it's for the best." (Our only child is autistic).

The thing with secondary infertility, is you learn pretty fast that the child that did come to you is an incredible blessing. Knowing I will probably only get to go through all the milestones and ages and stages once, has been bittersweet. It is like saying goodbye to the child that is changing before my eyes while at the same time grieving the child that was meant to follow in her footsteps.

I have slowly been letting go of these wasted years over the last few months. In mind, body and soul it was time to move on. Five years has been too long for me to live a life on hold. With a child in the mix who desperately wants a sibling, it is hard to accept it may be just her. But adoptions are rare in this country and the reality is it is more likely to not work out, than happen.

I'm looking forward to April next year as the waiting game will finally be over.

It has been tiring. I'm ready for something new and ready to let go of a dream I held on to for a very long time. The thing is, five years on it is still there. It is a dream that I suspect will linger for the rest of my life.