We didn't get picked

I got a call from our social worker on Tuesday to tell us that we didn't get picked as adoptive parents by the birth mother who looked at our profile in Dunedin. It wasn't a surprise, but it brought up a lot of SIF stuff for a couple of days. I certainly shed some tears and felt as if I had failed once again on the adding-to-our-family front.

Our social worker said she didn't know the full story and thought that perhaps the birth mother may have changed her mind about adoption, as all the profiles came back - not just ours.

Still. It's the closest we've gotten to being picked as adoptive parents. It is hard to not take it personally.

It seems to be another era of babies being born around me. SIF is still very much in my face. I continue to apply self-preservation. It is still hard to understand why God didn't want me to have my heart's desire. But I have hope and faith that He has another plan for me, if having another child isn't on the cards.

Deep down I know God has it all covered. There is change in the air yet I'm not sure where I'm headed. SIF has impacted me greatly and has touched every aspect of my being. I have emerged a different person who wants different things. Some things in my life no longer fit so I have to work through the aftermath of SIF and face the reality of where I stand with "the externals" in my life.

I no longer expect my life to be a certain way. Living with broken dreams for so many years hasn't been good for me. I am ready to hand it all over to God and to let him sort it out.

Will I Get A Rose?

Waiting to hear whether or not a Birth Mother is going to choose us or not out of several profiles, is a lot like waiting for a rose from The Bachelor!

I can pretend that life is about other things right now, but ultimately it all comes back to getting a rose.

My gut feeling is that we haven't been picked. I'm pretty sure we'd know by now as the social worker took the profiles from our region down South late this week. Who knows. Perhaps big decisions (well, of course they are!) need to be made by the Birth Mum. Perhaps it takes more than one look to select an adoptive family.

Sigh. The thought of being picked has set me off into a bit of a panic - the timing is not great. I have been doing some extensive recovery work which means I have been confronted by some full-on emotional stuff. It is going to take a while to work through it all. I feel I'm not far away from an emotional break-through that has been sitting at the heart of all my SIF grief, all these years. Yet other women have emotional baggage in their lives and it hasn't resulted in completing their families being put on hold. But I strongly feel that I can not move forward in my life until I face all that has been revealed.

I'm also entering a very busy time at work and have a lot to do over the next couple of months, before the year is out. We also have a Halloween Party next weekend and it would break my daughter's heart to have to cancel it, if we did have to go down to Dunedin.

I've been thinking about how much my life has changed since becoming a one-child family - I went back into part-time work earlier than I perhaps would have (if another one had come along) , have had opportunities off and on to explore my creative side, and go to the gym regularly. I had a day on Friday which was all about me. It was the school holidays and my husband was home for the day so I went to the gym, went to work and had a couple of hours painting with a friend who'd set up a craft afternoon.

I am not naive. I do know that if a baby came along I can pretty much kiss most of these out-of-home activities I do, goodbye. At least to begin with.

I worry as to how I'd cope with two children on my own given my husband works all week and isn't home either until late at night or is on night shift. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Perhaps I would be in over my head. After all these years of wanting another child, I now question my capabilities.

But I know if a baby arrived, I would make it all work. The truth is I would drop all our other plans in a heartbeat and I would find a way. Just like every other Mum of two (or more) does.

Two babies have been born in my extended family over the last couple of days. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. The joy of a new baby - is there anything that can compete with that? I'm not sure. Nobody except for a handful of people in my everyday life know about our profile heading South. I will go to work this week as per normal and it will just be another week.

It will be good to get some feedback from the Birth Mother (if there is any) on Wednesday or Thursday via our social worker about our profile.

I know I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I'm feeling a mix of feelings and most of them are "on ice" I think - waiting until I hear for sure that we haven't been picked.

Six months left in the adoption pool

In six months time we will have our answer. The waiting game will be over - we will either be adoptive parents - or not (once our file expires).

I'm at the point now of living life regardless of what happens. As time has gone on, I have let go of the outcome and have settled into life as it stands today.

Yet, change is in the air.

Yesterday I spoke to our social worker as a Birth Mum in Dunedin wants to view profiles from around the South Island. So this weekend our profile is going on a field trip! I know we will be one of several profiles that the Birth Mum will be looking at - but it is exciting to have the opportunity to be viewed.

Our social worker said to call her next week if we hadn't heard anything. In other words, if we got picked as adoptive parents for this baby girl that apparently arrived early, then we'd hear from our social worker. If we don't hear from her, we obviously didn't get picked. But our social worker said it is still good to touch base anyway to see if there was any feedback from the Birth Mum.

I have to admit, despite what I've declared above about being at peace with it all, I have been a bit triggered since we got this news. I have dreamed a little about travelling down to Dunedin to meet the baby girl and the Birth Mum. It is a possibility and dreams are free, afterall...

Interestingly I was in town recently and saw babies everywhere and this time round it wasn't a case of "Why not me?" it was more a case of "Is a baby the right thing for us?"

For reasons that are too personal even for this blog, I cannot disclose exactly what is going on with me except to say a lot of soul-searching about my life and the way I want to live it. Who knows if a baby is the right fit at this point.

We recently had family visit which meant we had my nine year old half-sister here for five nights. She has her own issues and a lot of behavioural problems. It was incredibly stressful and challenging having her stay. My husband I have agreed that as far as fostering goes; we aren't prepared to foster a child who is older than our daughter as it was a confusing time for her.

When I picked up my relatives from the airport a woman who was in the same antenatal yoga class as me was there picking up her husband. She told me she was pregnant with her fourth child. Her first child is my daughter's age - six - and is in the same class at school.

I no longer know if motherhood for the second time round is part of my destiny. I am leaving it all up to God now. Perhaps a life much different to the one I had dreamed of and planned for is waiting just around the corner. I will just have to wait and see.