The reminders that other women, or even most women out there conceive effortlessly are tenfold this time of year - the pregnancy announcements around Christmas time sting just a little more. In a magazine I've bought there is a story about a Mum who has fifteen children and wants just one more. She's 42 - one year younger than me. Interesting that her wishes may be deemed appropriate given she is obviously a Fertile Myrtle. But for me - somehow still - that desire for a second child - and for soooo long - seems to be greedy and so very old to many around me.
So it's Christmas tomorrow and it's just the three of us - myself, my husband and our six year old (who will be seven in March!) As always, it feels as though we are missing someone. I feel it. My daughter feels it. My husband doesn't but he may as well knowing my daughter and I are still very much grieving another child in our family.
It all still feels a bit sad - and unfinished - our family with just the three of us. I pray that next Christmas some finality and closure will have been reached around completing our family.
I have wondered if God created a situation in which I broke my elbow to teach me a lesson. Did He think I wasn't appreciative of my life as it was before? Did He or does He really want me to move on from this painful longstanding dream of mine? I cannot help it; but I do see God as a punishing God right now. The God from my childhood was like this and every now and then He pops up. It is hard to see the positive in having one health issue follow another one.
I really don't understand what life is all about for me at this point. I really am just taking it all one day at a time - it's all I can do.
Merry Christmas to you all out there. I pray that Christmas comes with peace to you this year, wherever you are at in your own lives.
2 comments:
You are waiting my thoughts.. As a fellow SIF'er, I get it. Watching your first borns birthdays fly by is a brilliant reminder of your own failure to provide them with a sibling to fight with, get into mischief with and just live life with. And age is just a fcking killer as well. I would not care near as much if I was in my 20's! I'd laugh it off knowing I have time on my side. The thing people don't get is that our pain is NOT about our greedy need to breed... Not on your life, it's about the need to provide a child with a sibling as they get so damn lonely, that no amount of toys and zoo's (given in love and guilt), will ever substitute a sibling. My son is as bad as me and loves babies. My DH is te same, he can't really see the issue or feel the pain until he sees our son asking for a baby, which is often.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There is barely any SIF blogs, so it's out job to support each other and educate the world on SIF..
Merry Xmas, and pray and beg 2012 is the turnaround year....
Just dropping in to see how you are doing. I need to catch up on your blog. Hope the new year brings happiness and good things to you and your family.
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