Has My Dream Expired?

I always knew 2012 would be a big year on the SIF front. I knew it would be big in the sense that an answer would finally be given around adding to our family - we would either be welcoming another child into our lives, or moving on from that dream.

For a long time I thought I would have to wait it out until April this year - when our adoption file expires before working out what comes next.

But fate intervened. Breaking my elbow put a big spanner in the works. Two months on from my accident and I still don't feel as though I am in a position to mother a baby. I cannot tie my hair back,wear a regular bra (because I can't do it up) or put on a necklace. My arm extension is severely limited. My surgeries may be over - for now at least - but there is still a long way to go physio-wise. I have three slings to wear at home to help bend and extent my arm. I am in pain and discomfort about eighty percent of the time. I'm driving and am back at work again. But I have a long way to go recovery-wise.

I know within my heart that I have made the right decision putting our adoption plans on hold. But the reality is we may not even be going back into the pool of prospective adoptive parents before April if my arm/physical health isn't greatly improved over the next three months.

As angry as I was at first to have to accept that possibility; it has somehow given me the reality check I needed perhaps to move on for once and for all. Because at the moment the whole adoption deal seems to be moving against us.

So instead of waiting until April, I am making changes now in my life. Changes I need to do for me. I am looking for a new job and am hoping to find work as a teacher aide and to perhaps work voluntarily in a Kindergarten to see if that is the field I want to move into. It seems retraining in 2013 in Early Childhood Education is a big possibility.

Even though I cried when I shared with a friend that one night a voice came to me recently that said "Mummy, go and help the other children." - I believed it was a message from my daughter who passed over during early pregnancy at the age of six weeks. Don't ask me why I think the baby I miscarried was a girl - I just do. I feel her spirit with me often and I feel I am really getting that it is time to let go of my dream of a two-child family. If I hadn't broken my arm and had time to reflect about a lot of things, I'm pretty sure I would be desperately holding out for an adoption outcome in April.

A peacefulness has emerged within our family over the last few weeks. My husband has had three weeks off work, I've worked very small hours so have also been in holiday mode and of course our daughter is on Summer school holidays. We haven't gone far. Many families around us have gone camping. But because of my arm and the pain/discomfort I'm in and the physio I'm still doing and the fact my husband is very happy to stay put after working long hours for months; we stayed at home. We've had very cruisy days holidaying in the town we live in and have had to make the most of our own company since friends have been away. It's been good for us. Almost as though a type of healing has take place.

If this is the way my life is meant to be - as a family of three - then I finally give up the fight to make it different. The universe has made it clear that it's time to move on - that my dream has pretty much expired.