To stew in my grief
Because it's not my fault
My family is incomplete
My body went through
"The change" very young
Amongst my peers
I feel like the only one
People think
Because I have one
That the pain isn't as deep
As those that have none
I feel so guilty
To have wanted another child
I have been called greedy
And for that I feel judged
Nobody seems to know
What to do or say
But it's a death I'm experiencing
So I need help in the same way
A phone-call, a cuppa
Just asking me how I am
All of these things will help me
To feel not as lonely as I am
Grief is not something
That disappears one day
Just because we are at the end
Doesn't mean the pain
Has gone away
My heart is still breaking
Every single day
Reminders are everywhere
Of the child that wasn't
Meant to be
Meant to be
Please understand if
I cannot rejoice
In your pregnancy or your baby
As I didn't have a choice
I want to be free
To move on from this pain
If you'd listen to me for a moment
Then a lot could be gained
Don't ever judge
If you haven't been in my shoes
I should have a right to be a mother
To as many kids as I chose
It's been a long journey
Lasting five and a half years
So many methods
So many tears
There is no quick fix
No easy answer
As secondary infertility
Was simply my personal disaster
6 comments:
I think you are very brave for sharing your feelings with strangers. It helps to know I am not alone in my struggle with sif. Your personal disaster is also mine. I am also struggling to come to terms with all this. I hope you find peace. I hope I can too.
You are a brave lady sharing your heart ache with secondary infertility. I am in exactly the same boat and there is a silence in this that can be over whelming. You aren't alone though. I too started blogging about my journey, but I have posted positive stories about other things going on in my life, because right now, we have been forced to take a break from treatment. Having another child is a dream I won't let go of though, so I suspect my blog, like yours will be full of heart wrenching stories about my treatment when my journey starts again. Good luck for the future xxx
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. You are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart on here ... I have had secondary infertility for two years now. Was great to find your blog and not feel so alone. Have just started reading your posts but so good to hear from a fellow new zealander!
My name is Michal Munk and I am pursuing a doctoral degree in clinical psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University. As part of my dissertation I am researching the relationship between infertility, depression and body image in women, specifically as related to the differences between women with primary (unable to conceive and maintain a first pregnancy) and secondary (unable to conceive and maintain a pregnancy subsequent to having at least one child) infertility. I hope that findings from this study will eventually help develop better psychotherapy treatments for women with infertility.
Females between the ages of 18-50, who are currently infertile (have had unprotected sex for at least 12 months with no successful pregnancy, those with primary or secondary infertility are eligible for this study), and have no adopted/step child(ren) are eligible to participate in this study. The study entails completing questionnaires either online (https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YCBQ35D), or by hard-copy upon request (call: 347-766-3798), and may be completed in 20-30 minutes. Participation is voluntary and confidentiality will be maintained. For each person who completes the survey, 2$ will be donated to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. This study has been approved by the FDU IRB (2/17/12).
Feel free to contact me with any further questions about this study. I may be reached at 347-766-3798 or michalm@student.fdu.edu.
My name is Michal Munk and I am pursuing a doctoral degree in clinical psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University. As part of my dissertation I am researching the relationship between infertility, depression and body image in women, specifically as related to the differences between women with primary (unable to conceive and maintain a first pregnancy) and secondary (unable to conceive and maintain a pregnancy subsequent to having at least one child) infertility. I hope that findings from this study will eventually help develop better psychotherapy treatments for women with infertility.
Females between the ages of 18-50, who are currently infertile (have had unprotected sex for at least 12 months with no successful pregnancy, those with primary or secondary infertility are eligible for this study), and have no adopted/step child(ren) are eligible to participate in this study. The study entails completing questionnaires either online (https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YCBQ35D), or by hard-copy upon request (call: 347-766-3798), and may be completed in 20-30 minutes. Participation is voluntary and confidentiality will be maintained. For each person who completes the survey, 2$ will be donated to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. This study has been approved by the FDU IRB (2/17/12).
Feel free to contact me with any further questions about this study. I may be reached at 347-766-3798 or michalm@student.fdu.edu.
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