It has been a strange place to be - post my whole secondary-infertility journey. At the end of this month it will be six months since our adoption file expired. So I've had six months to get my head around it all - the outcome I didn't want; how things ended up.
I know I've let go in some respects - in leaps and bounds compared to where I was once with all this. But in other ways it feels as though I've made no or little progress.
I had my Dad and two half siblings stay for four nights recently. My half-siblings are ten and eight years old- so close in age to my daughter who is over seven and a half now. They all got on really well. Well, my daughter got on well with the other kids - they fought amongst themselves - as siblings do.
I always take on a mothering role when my half-siblings stay. It is certainly a lot more work caring for three children - more dishes, more food to prepare and more managing to do. But in so many ways it was easy dealing with kids en masse. As a Mum Of One of a child with autism; I am often the entertainment hub. And that is hard - adults are never going to be quite as good company as another child. With my half-siblings here my daughter had entertainment on tap - she played barbies and imaginative games with my half-sister and XBOX with my half-brother and had plenty of bouncing on the trampoline with them both. She had a lovely time.
When they left on Monday morning both my daughter and I felt extremely flat. In fact it has taken us almost all week to resume to the usual mother-daughter dynamic that exists all week as my husband works twelve hours shifts and we don't see him much during the week.
I know my daughter feels lonely as an only child. I hate that. I do my best to have her friends round, to organise playdates and do things, go places etc. But nothing can replace the company and love of a sibling. It is that simple.
Once again my pain and grief around failing to add to our family is up there.
I have been feeling completely lost lately. It seems I am at crossroads in my life with the next job/career. I feel so confused and frustrated - there is no clarity at this time as to where I should go next. I've applied for three jobs over the last month. No bites yet.
I'm not sure if I should be pursuing my creative dreams as nothing is really going on there. I've entered some short story competitions and have submitted some freelance article proposals - and I've had virtually no response. I feel completely deluded about my dreams and aspirations. And just a tad annoyed that God hasn't allowed these dreams to happen - yet (as the case may be) - after such a long time of waiting for another child. I desperately want to move on from that era and to find some success and happiness somewhere else - surely I deserve that!
I am leaning on my Higher Power but he is answering my prayers slowly - once again! After five and a half years of waiting to add to our family, I am peeved that the next thing - the what-was-meant-to-happen-instead-of-motherhood hasn't happened yet! And I'm telling you this - when it happens, it better be bloody good after all this waiting!!
I still have a lot of healing to do. Some days I wonder if I'll ever be over it all. It stings so much to see siblings together at the moment. Facebook isn't an easy place to go to right now. I read a headline to do with a story about a woman who had survived a natural disaster. Her words were something like "You move forwards and upwards. But you never forget." That is certainly how I feel about secondary infertility.
