We've all heard the notion about not putting all our hopes and dreams and therefore happiness into tomorrow. Because if we do; we'll miss the joys of today. Life is about the journey - not the destination. Blah de blah...
Okay, I get all that. The thing is, I understand and have even succeeded at living one day at a time - in the past and off and on over the last couple of years. I guess my worries and fears cause me to lose my serenity every now and then - this SIF episode has certainly resulted me living in the future way too much. I have most certainly being doing a lot of fretting over the last few months/two years or more and it is proving to be a very hard habit to break.
Yet, slowing down - as in really slowing down and allowing myself time to meditate helps. Last week I did two Bodybalance classes (a combination of Yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi) and one morning while my daughter was at Kindy, I lit a scented candle and had a lovely long bath. I have really noticed how much more "in today" I have been for several days this week because I had allowed myself to just be. By that I mean just being still and being with me wherever I'm at. It's been an exercise in accepting myself where I am today in mind, body and soul. And where am I just now? In healing and accepting mode. My mind, body and soul - all of me - is exhausted after this tiresome SIF journey. It really is time for a rest. My mind has taken me to some pretty dark places, my body is physically fatigued and my soul desperately needs to be reenergised back to a place of peace and love again.
Last week was a start at least. For the couple of years I've been in coping mode around SIF yet I'm not sure these coping behaviours are so good for me in the long-term. I am fit and have enjoyed being cardio-fit but am going to drop my cardio fitness down a notch and opt for more gentle exercise over the next few months. Quite frankly the class that reaps the best overall results for me right now is Bodybalance.
I was in a book-store a couple of weeks ago - an alternative one - and there was a book about menopause and Yoga. I flicked through it and could identify with some of the extracts I read. Yoga is about restoring balance in the mind, body and soul. Menopause is all about hormone imbalances so it makes total sense that Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi would all help at this time.
Perhaps I am finally accepting my mind, body and soul as it is today. I am a woman who has erratic cycles and experiences menopausal symptoms. That's my truth. I cannot change where I'm at.
When I get into the full-on cardio work-outs I feel as though I am "fighting" SIF - and even worse, fighting me. Perhaps I don't need to do that anymore.
A friend has asked if I want to join a book club (a new one starting out) and I'm quite keen. Itwould entail reading a book a month. Another way to encourage me to slow down and just be.
I see the next six months - til then end of this year - as being a time of "being". It's not the time to make changes in my life or in our lives as a family. I have been so desperate for change for the last couple of years and I am tired of wishing things were different. We have so many external challenges going on in our wee family. Yesterday I was in overwhelm. My husband didn't get a job he'd applied for and I was upset for us. I'd also heard of another family experiencing an addition to their family and so the downward spiral started. My wish-list could have read:
I'll be happy, when my husband gets another job/stable work
I'll be happy, when I become a mother again
I'll be happy, when we're no longer in debt
I'll be happy, when my hormonal imbalances make sense
I'll be happy, when my daughter is toilet-trained (she is four with ASD and it's a huge, daily issue)
I am a big fan of The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Guess what, I'm powerless around everything in the above list! I can't make any of it change. I/we can take steps as a family to improve our financial situation - which we are doing - but when my husband gets another job is in Gods hands. I doubt my hormonal imbalances will ever make sense - I am pretty much going to just have to ride this one out. My daughter is home sick from Kindy today as she has a stomach upset. It is such a ODAT (one day at a time) thing around her toileting - my stress and anxiety around it don't help the situation at all. As for when I become a mother again - that's in God's hand too - entirely. I am so desperate some days for a letter from adoption services indicating we're "in" - that we're passed the first stage (the adoption assessment) but who knows when we'll find out. (We were told the next stage - meeting adoptive parents was Julyish). Waiting, waiting, waiting...
All good things come to those who wait they say. We must be due for some pretty amazing things one day, I'd say!
In the meantime I have a very low-key day to enjoy with my daughter today since she is home sick from Kindy. It is nice having a change from our routine - not having to rush out the door at 9am. Although she has a stomach upset, she is in good spirits. Tomorrow afternoon I am flying up to Auckland for a childfree weekend! - yes just me! The main event being a friends 40th but I'll also be seeing my Dad and family plus another friend for coffee. I'm staying with the friend having the 40th and her husband in their very cool, urban villa. I can't wait!! Ironically these friends have grappled with infertility for years - seven plus years. It's amazing how well this friend has handled IF although she certainly had her phases of wanting to be far away from growing families as most of us do at times when facing IF/SIF.
A big awareness of late has been around accepting that I am forty - and where my life is and isn't. I think this is a natural process when having a big zero birthday - a time of reflection/celebration which is met with some regret and sadness around the losses and disappointments in ones life. I am having to accept that although I am a young-looking forty year old and am young in other ways - attitude/lifestyle - I am an "old" forty biologically. It has been good to note that as I have had some envy around a friend getting pregnant recently at the age of 41. I'm so pleased she is pregnant as it took six IVFs for her to be pregnant. But I'm jealous that she has a body that still works the way it is supposed to! I'm a year younger than her and I'm having menopausal symptoms at 40 whereas she's 41 her body is producing baby-making hormones. She is also a young-looking 40-something and is young in attitude and lifestyle also. I cannot help but scruntise any pregnant woman wondering what she has that I don't. That is one of life's mysterious that I will never understand.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
The different categories of SIF
I will have been praying for another shot at motherhood for three years this September. Secondary infertility is described as having trouble conceiving after a year of TTC (when the first time round conception was relatively easy). So really I can only describe myself as being a secondary infertile for almost two years. However, after six months of TTC, my wonky cycles had me alerted to there being a problem on the conception front. The textbook definition for SIF is a year of regular sex with no results. I'm sure I read somewhere that those in their late thirtes/early forties ought to consider getting outside help if after six months there isn't any success.
So I feel like I've been a secondary infertile pretty much for the (almost) full three years of TTC. I guess I feel like that because I have been concerned and carrying a lot of angst this whole time - I have been so, so afraid that my dream of having another biological child would never come into fruitation.
As the average secondary infertile will attest; secondary infertility is a lonely experience to go through. This was why I started this blog November 2007 and shortly after joined the secondary infertility community on Dailystrength. Blogging was and still is a great way to vent and share my SIF experience but it is just a little one-sided talking about me all the time! Dailystrength helped fill that void at first. Now I'm not so sure. The reason why? A lot of the "friends" I befriended on Dailystrength are either up the duff or got their second shot at motherhood and I feel like I have been left behind in the dust.
As time has gone on, many of my "friends" on Dailystrength have fallen by the wayside. In my opinion, this is because SIF falls into three categories:
1. The Delayed Conceivers: In my book, conceiving just under a year of TTC your second child or falling pregnant even after eighteen months of TTC is not a long time. It is merely delayed conception. It is without a doubt frustrating as it involves many months of the dreaded BFNs. But they say God has a plan with all this - perhaps baby number two was just meant to come along that little bit later for the ladies in this category.
2. The Need A Helping Hand SIs (secondary infertiles): Perhaps the first time round, the women (and men) in this category got pregnant naturally. However, for whatever reason, the second time round trying for a baby something was amiss - they weren't ovulating, there was a cyst, maybe even several miscarriages occurred. After several pained tries at specialist input, bingo the jackpot was made and a bun was in the oven. Was the right remedy found in this case? Was it really IVF number three that was the magic number or again - did God just plan it this way? Were these couples meant to go through a couple - several years of angst to test their faith? Often those who've experienced IF or SIF claim that their faith has been renewed once a much longed for babe was been blessed to their families.
3. The Unlikely to Conceive Again SIs (secondary infertiles) : The SIs in this category "know" they are most unlikely to conceive again. Most of them won't have the concrete proof so they hang in secondary infertile waters hoping to join those in category two. A lot of the time they wonder if they are kidding themselves. Yet some hope remains - and a lot of wishful thinking. If a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle - an against-the-odds outcome. Another biological child just might not be part of Gods plan for these women. The women in this category will probably have to accept their infertility at some point. Either they'll choose to accept the status quo family-wise or will consider adoption as a viable way of adding to their family. Some of the women here could perhaps have conceived if they'd had the time or money, but financial restrictions and/or age may have indicated that their TTC days were over.
Which category am I in? Category three, I believe. Many of my Dailystrength friends are in category one or two. It is perhaps too awkward for many of my "friendships" to continue at this point because of what can only be described as a kind of on-line awkward silence. I don't want to hear about their bumps and babies all that much. And I get the feeling my on-going "fight" with SIF is somewhat old to those that have moved on from this terrible chapter in their lives.
I have just a few friends in category three and although I am glad I am not the only one left behind as such, I am sad for these friends. Many of my category three friends aren't around so often as I know it hurts them too to watch other women one by one falling pregnant. I need them though - so if you are a category three SI - know that you are very important to me. I have appreciated my Dailystrength friendships all the way through. However, I know it is time to let go of some of them soon. It's an unfortunate aspect of being part of a secondary infertility community - some will fall pregnant, and some won't. It is very hard to swallow the bitter pill while others get what you had so desperately hoped for. It's kind of like not getting a rose on The Batchelor!
So I feel like I've been a secondary infertile pretty much for the (almost) full three years of TTC. I guess I feel like that because I have been concerned and carrying a lot of angst this whole time - I have been so, so afraid that my dream of having another biological child would never come into fruitation.
As the average secondary infertile will attest; secondary infertility is a lonely experience to go through. This was why I started this blog November 2007 and shortly after joined the secondary infertility community on Dailystrength. Blogging was and still is a great way to vent and share my SIF experience but it is just a little one-sided talking about me all the time! Dailystrength helped fill that void at first. Now I'm not so sure. The reason why? A lot of the "friends" I befriended on Dailystrength are either up the duff or got their second shot at motherhood and I feel like I have been left behind in the dust.
As time has gone on, many of my "friends" on Dailystrength have fallen by the wayside. In my opinion, this is because SIF falls into three categories:
1. The Delayed Conceivers: In my book, conceiving just under a year of TTC your second child or falling pregnant even after eighteen months of TTC is not a long time. It is merely delayed conception. It is without a doubt frustrating as it involves many months of the dreaded BFNs. But they say God has a plan with all this - perhaps baby number two was just meant to come along that little bit later for the ladies in this category.
2. The Need A Helping Hand SIs (secondary infertiles): Perhaps the first time round, the women (and men) in this category got pregnant naturally. However, for whatever reason, the second time round trying for a baby something was amiss - they weren't ovulating, there was a cyst, maybe even several miscarriages occurred. After several pained tries at specialist input, bingo the jackpot was made and a bun was in the oven. Was the right remedy found in this case? Was it really IVF number three that was the magic number or again - did God just plan it this way? Were these couples meant to go through a couple - several years of angst to test their faith? Often those who've experienced IF or SIF claim that their faith has been renewed once a much longed for babe was been blessed to their families.
3. The Unlikely to Conceive Again SIs (secondary infertiles) : The SIs in this category "know" they are most unlikely to conceive again. Most of them won't have the concrete proof so they hang in secondary infertile waters hoping to join those in category two. A lot of the time they wonder if they are kidding themselves. Yet some hope remains - and a lot of wishful thinking. If a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle - an against-the-odds outcome. Another biological child just might not be part of Gods plan for these women. The women in this category will probably have to accept their infertility at some point. Either they'll choose to accept the status quo family-wise or will consider adoption as a viable way of adding to their family. Some of the women here could perhaps have conceived if they'd had the time or money, but financial restrictions and/or age may have indicated that their TTC days were over.
Which category am I in? Category three, I believe. Many of my Dailystrength friends are in category one or two. It is perhaps too awkward for many of my "friendships" to continue at this point because of what can only be described as a kind of on-line awkward silence. I don't want to hear about their bumps and babies all that much. And I get the feeling my on-going "fight" with SIF is somewhat old to those that have moved on from this terrible chapter in their lives.
I have just a few friends in category three and although I am glad I am not the only one left behind as such, I am sad for these friends. Many of my category three friends aren't around so often as I know it hurts them too to watch other women one by one falling pregnant. I need them though - so if you are a category three SI - know that you are very important to me. I have appreciated my Dailystrength friendships all the way through. However, I know it is time to let go of some of them soon. It's an unfortunate aspect of being part of a secondary infertility community - some will fall pregnant, and some won't. It is very hard to swallow the bitter pill while others get what you had so desperately hoped for. It's kind of like not getting a rose on The Batchelor!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Our Time Will Come
After many months of fighting, pushing, wishing and even attempting to will my life to be in different place - I believe I am finally slowly down to just accept and be with this standstill period. It is so frustrating on a daily basis to feel as though life isn't moving anywhere. This stagnant phase is about more than SIF. Our family life and my own life on many levels has felt "stuck" for quite some time. When I sit still and listen the message seems to be to - well, just to be. "Nothingness" is probably one of the most challenging states to try and achieve as a restless human-being in this day and age of instant gratification.
I'm a WIP with sitting with the unknown. I don't like not knowing what's on God's agenda for me. I feel like I have been in and out with accepting God's Will for close to three years. (It'll be three years of praying for another shot at motherhood this September). I have been trying to be more gentle and kind to myself - to plan weeks where there are pockets of time for me to just chill. For quite some time I have been running from SIF as quite frankly, the pain was too much. So I'm trying to up my Yoga classes at the gym - so I go twice a week. It didn't feel right to go to my hard-core RPM class on Sunday so I gave it a miss. It's hard to get the balance right between managing my hormonally imbalanced emotions and using exercise to hide from my pain.
I know I have been operating on empty for so long that I am used to feeling exhausted. However I had a fantastic sleep over the weekend - a proper eight hours and felt so much better. I am certainly my own worst enemy when it comes to staying up too late. My daughter might go through phases of being wakeful - and more often that not wakes at least once a night - but I can certainly help myself more by going to bed earlier at least a few nights a week.
It is sometimes hard to not feel the full force of the green-eyed monster when others dreams are fulfilled and mine remain broken. But I know our time will come. I get angry with God from time to time. Once again my husbands work has been going through a rocky patch. He had another week of no work. But he's applied for a new job and here's hoping he makes the short list. It's very competitive out there on the job-hunting front. I applied for half a dozen or so (part-time) jobs myself a couple of months ago and got as far as one interview - but didn't get a job.
It feels as though I am not meant to be working more than my Sunday job at this point in time. So I'm planning to use the free time I have (mainly while my daughter is at Kindy) in more nuturing ways for myself. She'll be at school next year and I may possibly end up working during the school-term. So my gym mornings aren't going to last forever! They certainly feel like a real treat. But it is important I make time for the God of my understanding too. Meditation during Yoga is a great time to connect with my Higher Power but some alone time at home is what I need too. For a while there I was fighting yet another severe depression so felt I needed the company during the week and organised quite a few coffee dates. But I think I'm okay now. So long as I keep working hard at the self-love; I think my broken heart may get a chance to heal.
That is exactly how I feel: like my heart is broken from the whole SIF experience. My reaction to SIF took me to places I really don't want to go to again mind, body and soul-wise. I believe I did some terrible damage to my own self-esteem with some of the negative inner talk and attitudes that came about because of my loss of my fertility. I am having to accept my body is different to what it was when I conceived my daughter five years ago. Who knows what is going on - but I have these erratic cycles that make no sense. The "menopausal" symptoms are a challenge to live with yet they are part of me at this point in time. There is no use in pretending the symptoms don't exist as they are a huge part of who I am right now.
I'm a WIP with sitting with the unknown. I don't like not knowing what's on God's agenda for me. I feel like I have been in and out with accepting God's Will for close to three years. (It'll be three years of praying for another shot at motherhood this September). I have been trying to be more gentle and kind to myself - to plan weeks where there are pockets of time for me to just chill. For quite some time I have been running from SIF as quite frankly, the pain was too much. So I'm trying to up my Yoga classes at the gym - so I go twice a week. It didn't feel right to go to my hard-core RPM class on Sunday so I gave it a miss. It's hard to get the balance right between managing my hormonally imbalanced emotions and using exercise to hide from my pain.
I know I have been operating on empty for so long that I am used to feeling exhausted. However I had a fantastic sleep over the weekend - a proper eight hours and felt so much better. I am certainly my own worst enemy when it comes to staying up too late. My daughter might go through phases of being wakeful - and more often that not wakes at least once a night - but I can certainly help myself more by going to bed earlier at least a few nights a week.
It is sometimes hard to not feel the full force of the green-eyed monster when others dreams are fulfilled and mine remain broken. But I know our time will come. I get angry with God from time to time. Once again my husbands work has been going through a rocky patch. He had another week of no work. But he's applied for a new job and here's hoping he makes the short list. It's very competitive out there on the job-hunting front. I applied for half a dozen or so (part-time) jobs myself a couple of months ago and got as far as one interview - but didn't get a job.
It feels as though I am not meant to be working more than my Sunday job at this point in time. So I'm planning to use the free time I have (mainly while my daughter is at Kindy) in more nuturing ways for myself. She'll be at school next year and I may possibly end up working during the school-term. So my gym mornings aren't going to last forever! They certainly feel like a real treat. But it is important I make time for the God of my understanding too. Meditation during Yoga is a great time to connect with my Higher Power but some alone time at home is what I need too. For a while there I was fighting yet another severe depression so felt I needed the company during the week and organised quite a few coffee dates. But I think I'm okay now. So long as I keep working hard at the self-love; I think my broken heart may get a chance to heal.
That is exactly how I feel: like my heart is broken from the whole SIF experience. My reaction to SIF took me to places I really don't want to go to again mind, body and soul-wise. I believe I did some terrible damage to my own self-esteem with some of the negative inner talk and attitudes that came about because of my loss of my fertility. I am having to accept my body is different to what it was when I conceived my daughter five years ago. Who knows what is going on - but I have these erratic cycles that make no sense. The "menopausal" symptoms are a challenge to live with yet they are part of me at this point in time. There is no use in pretending the symptoms don't exist as they are a huge part of who I am right now.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
What do I know?
SIF is an exhausting business - particularly emotionally so. Try as I might to retrain my brain to think in the gray; I invariably end up trying to slot my personal SIF into a box and wind up feeling quite depressed and frustrated for doing so.
Last Thursday I went to visit a clairvoyant. I have seen him before - around six years ago at a group session (of all things). There were around eight women in the room and we all got a ten minute or so reading. He was pretty accurate. Back then he told me that "family would come". This was a good year or so ahead of TTC - way before I knew if I was fertile or not.
I felt I was ready to go and get some "other world" help; mainly because I've been feeling so stuck in my SIF journey for so long. Well after a nintety-minute consult with the clarivoyant I felt strongly that everything was happening as it was meant to. I feel back on track.
The actual reading is still a bit of a blur. The clarivoyants style is just to talk as things "come to him". He was amazingly accurate around a lot of things. And yes, pretty early into the reading he asked if I had two children. When I said just one, and had one miscarriage he said there was a girl-spirit around me who was like my guardian angel. Several times in the reading he stressed keeping an open mind around how it would happen - to not discount getting pregnant even, and to ignore the stats etc - because a girl was going to be "placed" in our family.
He touched on other areas in my life which were all pretty spot on including some relationships. The thing is I had just gotten to this point recently where I felt very strongly it was time to just "be" - time to heal. I have been fighting SIF for so long and second-guessing God for so long - even self-diagnosing myself within SIF - that I am now completely exhausted from it all.
As the clairvoyant clarified; now is a time of slowly down and mediating and allowing myself to daydream - it's time to reclaim my dreams. It's about connecting with my spiritual side - not my emotional side so much. I know that allowing myself to be will settle me down and allow peace and therefore happiness to enter my being again - as he also said.
I know I've heard others who have miscarried share that they felt the spirit of their lost children around them. I believe very strongly that I have had this girl-spirit around me for a couple of years now. Whether this is connected to the miscarriage, I'm not sure. I actually felt a girl-spirit around me before TTC our daughter - a good couple of years before. Is this the maternal urge talking? Spirits of babies-to-be tapping us on the shoulder and entering our minds, bodies and souls so that we will fight for them to be born? I think so. Perhaps a little way out for some but when the clairvoyant picked up on the girl-spirit being around me, I had tears in my eyes because someone else saw that. Perhaps this is why SIF is so painful - I cannot let go of this desire to have another child because I already love her. Whether she remains in the spiritual world or joins our family remains to be seen. But somehow it is freeing acknowledging to myself that it's okay to have this enormous love for a child who isn't "here".
My feeling is that for the next six months or so - the rest of the year - it is a time for resting/healing/enjoying each other (our family of three). I have grieved having a second child so many times and went quite deeply into that grief recently. I go through phases of wanting to explain my SIF to myself - to understand it and to even close the door on it. But it's still not over. I don't know what's in store for me. I do hope there's an addition to our family. Yet I feel it is time to let go of a lot of the baby gear we have. It's kind of like that saying "If you love something set it free if it comes back it's yours, if not it was never meant to be."
Last Thursday I went to visit a clairvoyant. I have seen him before - around six years ago at a group session (of all things). There were around eight women in the room and we all got a ten minute or so reading. He was pretty accurate. Back then he told me that "family would come". This was a good year or so ahead of TTC - way before I knew if I was fertile or not.
I felt I was ready to go and get some "other world" help; mainly because I've been feeling so stuck in my SIF journey for so long. Well after a nintety-minute consult with the clarivoyant I felt strongly that everything was happening as it was meant to. I feel back on track.
The actual reading is still a bit of a blur. The clarivoyants style is just to talk as things "come to him". He was amazingly accurate around a lot of things. And yes, pretty early into the reading he asked if I had two children. When I said just one, and had one miscarriage he said there was a girl-spirit around me who was like my guardian angel. Several times in the reading he stressed keeping an open mind around how it would happen - to not discount getting pregnant even, and to ignore the stats etc - because a girl was going to be "placed" in our family.
He touched on other areas in my life which were all pretty spot on including some relationships. The thing is I had just gotten to this point recently where I felt very strongly it was time to just "be" - time to heal. I have been fighting SIF for so long and second-guessing God for so long - even self-diagnosing myself within SIF - that I am now completely exhausted from it all.
As the clairvoyant clarified; now is a time of slowly down and mediating and allowing myself to daydream - it's time to reclaim my dreams. It's about connecting with my spiritual side - not my emotional side so much. I know that allowing myself to be will settle me down and allow peace and therefore happiness to enter my being again - as he also said.
I know I've heard others who have miscarried share that they felt the spirit of their lost children around them. I believe very strongly that I have had this girl-spirit around me for a couple of years now. Whether this is connected to the miscarriage, I'm not sure. I actually felt a girl-spirit around me before TTC our daughter - a good couple of years before. Is this the maternal urge talking? Spirits of babies-to-be tapping us on the shoulder and entering our minds, bodies and souls so that we will fight for them to be born? I think so. Perhaps a little way out for some but when the clairvoyant picked up on the girl-spirit being around me, I had tears in my eyes because someone else saw that. Perhaps this is why SIF is so painful - I cannot let go of this desire to have another child because I already love her. Whether she remains in the spiritual world or joins our family remains to be seen. But somehow it is freeing acknowledging to myself that it's okay to have this enormous love for a child who isn't "here".
My feeling is that for the next six months or so - the rest of the year - it is a time for resting/healing/enjoying each other (our family of three). I have grieved having a second child so many times and went quite deeply into that grief recently. I go through phases of wanting to explain my SIF to myself - to understand it and to even close the door on it. But it's still not over. I don't know what's in store for me. I do hope there's an addition to our family. Yet I feel it is time to let go of a lot of the baby gear we have. It's kind of like that saying "If you love something set it free if it comes back it's yours, if not it was never meant to be."
Monday, June 1, 2009
Feeling like a failure
The hardest thing about facing a loss of fertility is finding a way to be with my loss. How do I accept that my child-bearing days are over? And not only that, how can I get my head around the fact that my womanhood has been compromised?
We watched Earth this weekend. What an amazing wilderness documentary. The crux of it is about life and survival - about procreation and all that many of our species go through on our planet to keep the cycle of life going. Tragedies happen even in the animal kingdom. One species needs to feed - so another loses a member. Yet the breeding side of the cycle of life is so very natural. Without the breeding, then there would be no point to the life of the average polar bear, humpback whale, elephant, or even duck as depicted in this epic movie.
Living in the Western world we could be mistaken for thinking that life is about obtaining things - material possessions and reaching our true potential. As we eventually discover; not many things to life fulfill us quite like raising a family does. Despite the challenges and the effort required to nurture a child; there is undoubtedtly nothing as satisfying as watching your off-spring grow. No wonder many parents don't stop at one. Parenthood almost becomes addictive.
Until I faced infertility I perhaps didn't appreciate how magnificent and precious parenting is. Now that I cannot have what I so desperately want: all the other external things don't seem important at all. Not that I have ever been terribly materialistic. But I would give up a lot of things just to be able to create another human being again.
As a woman I am so angry and feel so wronged that what should be my God-given right to produce has been taken away. I cannot seem to accept that I don't have a choice in all this. The powerlessness has quite frankly almost driven me crazy. We cannot control many things in life but surely our right to conceive as humans should be something we have some say in.
A sense of failure in one significant area in ones life can quite easily waft into other areas. It has with me. I feel like a failure across the board. My useless uterus and stubborn ovary cause me to feel less than in so many ways. I feel as though I may as well have a used-by-date plastered across my empty womb.
In time I will reconcile this grief and will reinvent myself as a woman - that's what the counsellors keep saying. That's three counsellors within a year by the way. None of them of course have experienced infertility personally. They expect me to cry in a few sessions and to just come to the conclusion that my lot is my lot. But unlike some forms of grief in which progress can be ascertained from time to time; infertility is so very different. I can be fine for hours/days and sometimes weeks. Yet invariably the pain takes over from time to time and feels like I am grieving as if my loss has just occurred all over again. I for one am sick of drowning in it.
On Sunday at work two MOTs-to-be were sharing how they flippant they were now that they were pregnant for the second time. They were apparently eating ham sandwiches and sushi and wolfing down junk-food. They'd produced a child each before and trusted that all would be fine the second time round.
Sometimes my internal dialogue around MOTs-to-be and MOTs is not unlike Ally McBeal. I want to slap these women across the face and exclaim You can't be too careful you stupid women! Don't abuse the gift of life you have - you are so, so incredibly lucky!!
But I don't say anything do I. I smile and appear fine outwardly - certainly not as though my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I for one am sick of picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again. It is exhausting.
Today is the first day of Winter on this side of the world and I kind of wish I could go into hiberation for a few months. To sleep off my infertility heartbreak feels so very inviting. Yet I continue to go to the gym and be social; proving to the world and myself that I am able to carry on, even though some days it is such a struggle to do so.
We watched Earth this weekend. What an amazing wilderness documentary. The crux of it is about life and survival - about procreation and all that many of our species go through on our planet to keep the cycle of life going. Tragedies happen even in the animal kingdom. One species needs to feed - so another loses a member. Yet the breeding side of the cycle of life is so very natural. Without the breeding, then there would be no point to the life of the average polar bear, humpback whale, elephant, or even duck as depicted in this epic movie.
Living in the Western world we could be mistaken for thinking that life is about obtaining things - material possessions and reaching our true potential. As we eventually discover; not many things to life fulfill us quite like raising a family does. Despite the challenges and the effort required to nurture a child; there is undoubtedtly nothing as satisfying as watching your off-spring grow. No wonder many parents don't stop at one. Parenthood almost becomes addictive.
Until I faced infertility I perhaps didn't appreciate how magnificent and precious parenting is. Now that I cannot have what I so desperately want: all the other external things don't seem important at all. Not that I have ever been terribly materialistic. But I would give up a lot of things just to be able to create another human being again.
As a woman I am so angry and feel so wronged that what should be my God-given right to produce has been taken away. I cannot seem to accept that I don't have a choice in all this. The powerlessness has quite frankly almost driven me crazy. We cannot control many things in life but surely our right to conceive as humans should be something we have some say in.
A sense of failure in one significant area in ones life can quite easily waft into other areas. It has with me. I feel like a failure across the board. My useless uterus and stubborn ovary cause me to feel less than in so many ways. I feel as though I may as well have a used-by-date plastered across my empty womb.
In time I will reconcile this grief and will reinvent myself as a woman - that's what the counsellors keep saying. That's three counsellors within a year by the way. None of them of course have experienced infertility personally. They expect me to cry in a few sessions and to just come to the conclusion that my lot is my lot. But unlike some forms of grief in which progress can be ascertained from time to time; infertility is so very different. I can be fine for hours/days and sometimes weeks. Yet invariably the pain takes over from time to time and feels like I am grieving as if my loss has just occurred all over again. I for one am sick of drowning in it.
On Sunday at work two MOTs-to-be were sharing how they flippant they were now that they were pregnant for the second time. They were apparently eating ham sandwiches and sushi and wolfing down junk-food. They'd produced a child each before and trusted that all would be fine the second time round.
Sometimes my internal dialogue around MOTs-to-be and MOTs is not unlike Ally McBeal. I want to slap these women across the face and exclaim You can't be too careful you stupid women! Don't abuse the gift of life you have - you are so, so incredibly lucky!!
But I don't say anything do I. I smile and appear fine outwardly - certainly not as though my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I for one am sick of picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again. It is exhausting.
Today is the first day of Winter on this side of the world and I kind of wish I could go into hiberation for a few months. To sleep off my infertility heartbreak feels so very inviting. Yet I continue to go to the gym and be social; proving to the world and myself that I am able to carry on, even though some days it is such a struggle to do so.
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