Our Time Will Come

After many months of fighting, pushing, wishing and even attempting to will my life to be in different place - I believe I am finally slowly down to just accept and be with this standstill period. It is so frustrating on a daily basis to feel as though life isn't moving anywhere. This stagnant phase is about more than SIF. Our family life and my own life on many levels has felt "stuck" for quite some time. When I sit still and listen the message seems to be to - well, just to be. "Nothingness" is probably one of the most challenging states to try and achieve as a restless human-being in this day and age of instant gratification.

I'm a WIP with sitting with the unknown. I don't like not knowing what's on God's agenda for me. I feel like I have been in and out with accepting God's Will for close to three years. (It'll be three years of praying for another shot at motherhood this September). I have been trying to be more gentle and kind to myself - to plan weeks where there are pockets of time for me to just chill. For quite some time I have been running from SIF as quite frankly, the pain was too much. So I'm trying to up my Yoga classes at the gym - so I go twice a week. It didn't feel right to go to my hard-core RPM class on Sunday so I gave it a miss. It's hard to get the balance right between managing my hormonally imbalanced emotions and using exercise to hide from my pain.

I know I have been operating on empty for so long that I am used to feeling exhausted. However I had a fantastic sleep over the weekend - a proper eight hours and felt so much better. I am certainly my own worst enemy when it comes to staying up too late. My daughter might go through phases of being wakeful - and more often that not wakes at least once a night - but I can certainly help myself more by going to bed earlier at least a few nights a week.

It is sometimes hard to not feel the full force of the green-eyed monster when others dreams are fulfilled and mine remain broken. But I know our time will come. I get angry with God from time to time. Once again my husbands work has been going through a rocky patch. He had another week of no work. But he's applied for a new job and here's hoping he makes the short list. It's very competitive out there on the job-hunting front. I applied for half a dozen or so (part-time) jobs myself a couple of months ago and got as far as one interview - but didn't get a job.

It feels as though I am not meant to be working more than my Sunday job at this point in time. So I'm planning to use the free time I have (mainly while my daughter is at Kindy) in more nuturing ways for myself. She'll be at school next year and I may possibly end up working during the school-term. So my gym mornings aren't going to last forever! They certainly feel like a real treat. But it is important I make time for the God of my understanding too. Meditation during Yoga is a great time to connect with my Higher Power but some alone time at home is what I need too. For a while there I was fighting yet another severe depression so felt I needed the company during the week and organised quite a few coffee dates. But I think I'm okay now. So long as I keep working hard at the self-love; I think my broken heart may get a chance to heal.

That is exactly how I feel: like my heart is broken from the whole SIF experience. My reaction to SIF took me to places I really don't want to go to again mind, body and soul-wise. I believe I did some terrible damage to my own self-esteem with some of the negative inner talk and attitudes that came about because of my loss of my fertility. I am having to accept my body is different to what it was when I conceived my daughter five years ago. Who knows what is going on - but I have these erratic cycles that make no sense. The "menopausal" symptoms are a challenge to live with yet they are part of me at this point in time. There is no use in pretending the symptoms don't exist as they are a huge part of who I am right now.