I'll be happy, when...

We've all heard the notion about not putting all our hopes and dreams and therefore happiness into tomorrow. Because if we do; we'll miss the joys of today. Life is about the journey - not the destination. Blah de blah...

Okay, I get all that. The thing is, I understand and have even succeeded at living one day at a time - in the past and off and on over the last couple of years. I guess my worries and fears cause me to lose my serenity every now and then - this SIF episode has certainly resulted me living in the future way too much. I have most certainly being doing a lot of fretting over the last few months/two years or more and it is proving to be a very hard habit to break.

Yet, slowing down - as in really slowing down and allowing myself time to meditate helps. Last week I did two Bodybalance classes (a combination of Yoga, Pilates and Tai Chi) and one morning while my daughter was at Kindy, I lit a scented candle and had a lovely long bath. I have really noticed how much more "in today" I have been for several days this week because I had allowed myself to just be. By that I mean just being still and being with me wherever I'm at. It's been an exercise in accepting myself where I am today in mind, body and soul. And where am I just now? In healing and accepting mode. My mind, body and soul - all of me - is exhausted after this tiresome SIF journey. It really is time for a rest. My mind has taken me to some pretty dark places, my body is physically fatigued and my soul desperately needs to be reenergised back to a place of peace and love again.

Last week was a start at least. For the couple of years I've been in coping mode around SIF yet I'm not sure these coping behaviours are so good for me in the long-term. I am fit and have enjoyed being cardio-fit but am going to drop my cardio fitness down a notch and opt for more gentle exercise over the next few months. Quite frankly the class that reaps the best overall results for me right now is Bodybalance.

I was in a book-store a couple of weeks ago - an alternative one - and there was a book about menopause and Yoga. I flicked through it and could identify with some of the extracts I read. Yoga is about restoring balance in the mind, body and soul. Menopause is all about hormone imbalances so it makes total sense that Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi would all help at this time.

Perhaps I am finally accepting my mind, body and soul as it is today. I am a woman who has erratic cycles and experiences menopausal symptoms. That's my truth. I cannot change where I'm at.

When I get into the full-on cardio work-outs I feel as though I am "fighting" SIF - and even worse, fighting me. Perhaps I don't need to do that anymore.

A friend has asked if I want to join a book club (a new one starting out) and I'm quite keen. Itwould entail reading a book a month. Another way to encourage me to slow down and just be.

I see the next six months - til then end of this year - as being a time of "being". It's not the time to make changes in my life or in our lives as a family. I have been so desperate for change for the last couple of years and I am tired of wishing things were different. We have so many external challenges going on in our wee family. Yesterday I was in overwhelm. My husband didn't get a job he'd applied for and I was upset for us. I'd also heard of another family experiencing an addition to their family and so the downward spiral started. My wish-list could have read:
I'll be happy, when my husband gets another job/stable work
I'll be happy, when I become a mother again
I'll be happy, when we're no longer in debt
I'll be happy, when my hormonal imbalances make sense
I'll be happy, when my daughter is toilet-trained (she is four with ASD and it's a huge, daily issue)

I am a big fan of The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Guess what, I'm powerless around everything in the above list! I can't make any of it change. I/we can take steps as a family to improve our financial situation - which we are doing - but when my husband gets another job is in Gods hands. I doubt my hormonal imbalances will ever make sense - I am pretty much going to just have to ride this one out. My daughter is home sick from Kindy today as she has a stomach upset. It is such a ODAT (one day at a time) thing around her toileting - my stress and anxiety around it don't help the situation at all. As for when I become a mother again - that's in God's hand too - entirely. I am so desperate some days for a letter from adoption services indicating we're "in" - that we're passed the first stage (the adoption assessment) but who knows when we'll find out. (We were told the next stage - meeting adoptive parents was Julyish). Waiting, waiting, waiting...

All good things come to those who wait they say. We must be due for some pretty amazing things one day, I'd say!

In the meantime I have a very low-key day to enjoy with my daughter today since she is home sick from Kindy. It is nice having a change from our routine - not having to rush out the door at 9am. Although she has a stomach upset, she is in good spirits. Tomorrow afternoon I am flying up to Auckland for a childfree weekend! - yes just me! The main event being a friends 40th but I'll also be seeing my Dad and family plus another friend for coffee. I'm staying with the friend having the 40th and her husband in their very cool, urban villa. I can't wait!! Ironically these friends have grappled with infertility for years - seven plus years. It's amazing how well this friend has handled IF although she certainly had her phases of wanting to be far away from growing families as most of us do at times when facing IF/SIF.

A big awareness of late has been around accepting that I am forty - and where my life is and isn't. I think this is a natural process when having a big zero birthday - a time of reflection/celebration which is met with some regret and sadness around the losses and disappointments in ones life. I am having to accept that although I am a young-looking forty year old and am young in other ways - attitude/lifestyle - I am an "old" forty biologically. It has been good to note that as I have had some envy around a friend getting pregnant recently at the age of 41. I'm so pleased she is pregnant as it took six IVFs for her to be pregnant. But I'm jealous that she has a body that still works the way it is supposed to! I'm a year younger than her and I'm having menopausal symptoms at 40 whereas she's 41 her body is producing baby-making hormones. She is also a young-looking 40-something and is young in attitude and lifestyle also. I cannot help but scruntise any pregnant woman wondering what she has that I don't. That is one of life's mysterious that I will never understand.