This SIF journey of mine has come with many ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days - you get the drift. I've been through so many cycles of acceptance, fighting SIF, then accepting again - it has been a very tiring process. I keep thinking I've turned a corner and then my SIF grief overwhelms me once again.
But this time, this time I really think I have my SIF sussed. I know that I am living with this background grief that is sometimes faint and sometimes loud. The thing is I cannot force myself to be over what I can only describe as a personal crisis. I can, however, help myself and ensure that I take the best care of me that I possibly can.
I have been doing that these last few weeks and I am feeling the benefits. I am slowing down my body and therefore my mind is following suit. Spiritually I feel much more in tune with the God of my understanding too. For so long I have been in hyper-mode - running here, doing that. Perhaps that was my way of coping with my on-going grief because when I stopped for too long, it was just too much to bear at times. So it has been an interesting Lynda experiment - searching for peace after heartbreak. I certainly didn't expect to turn from hyper to chilled overnight but as each week goes by, I am feeling more at peace. And peace equals contentment. It's as simple as that.
I went up to Auckland last weekend for a friends 40th. I had a whole weekend to myself, to do as I pleased. Childless, husbandless - it was great! I caught up with my Dad and his family for dinner, a good friend I hadn't seen for about five years for coffee and stayed with the friend and her husband whose 40th it was. I ended up getting completely mind-numblingly drunk at the 40th! It wasn't my intention. Things just got of control. I was drinking champagne and there was a wine-tasting as part of the 40th - after that it was all over rover for me. There was some Tapas food but all I really had were a few pieces of chicken. Basically this usual teetoller was out of her league. There were shots of tequila for the guys and shots of zumbucca for the girls - too much alcohol for my system, that's for sure. I think because I had no responsibilites for the weekend, I just thought "what the hell." I had fun though. We were out til 3am and I suffered for several days afterwards. It took me a good four days to detox.
I met some great people at the 40th. Naturally at a party of thirty and forty-somethings the subject of kids/fertility comes up. One friends husband asked if we having more then corrected himself and said it was an odd question to ask - they come if they come. Another woman was there who had a nine year old daughter and I know she's a SI as my friend had revealed that before the party. I think once I revealed my daughter's age, she knew that I was too. The couple I stayed with have been fighting IF for a long, long time. They've been married ten years and are childless. For the first time the husband revealed his pain around IF to me (after a few drinks). I felt so very humbled by that. They are such an amazing couple and were so hospitable - I am so angry and sad for them that their desire to have children hasn't happened.
The friend I had an almost three hour coffee with is also going through perimenopause at the age of forty-two. We had a very candid conversation about it. She doesn't have a life partner/is single. Once again it seems so unfair that this brilliant teacher has not been granted the opportunity to have kids.
So although I have always been grateful to be a Mum of One; I am feeling that gratitude at a deeper level. We got a letter in the mail yesterday from adoption services giving us tentative dates for the next stage of the adoption process - The Education and Preparation Programme. It's for two Fridays (full days) - August 28th and September 18th. Apparently the dates are tentative because of numbers - they need x amount of applicants before proceeding. Still, it feels good to know when the next stage is going to be. I tried to phone to see if that meant we had successfully "passed" the initial assessment but the contact is away on annual leave. I'm guessing if anything is amiss we will be notified. No news is good news in this case!
The other day my daughter asked how many sisters she had to which she herself replied "Zero. I have zero sisters." Then she said she could share Bonnie (not her real name) with Kath (not her real name). Kath is her same-aged very good mate who lives in the same street. And Bonnie is her sister. I thought that was really sweet - and great logic too!
A friend has asked me to join a book club and I'm keen. It will be good for me to read a book a month - as expected by the club. I'll meet some new people and it's about bringing in something new and enjoyable into my life again. I want to get back to being mellow me again and just enjoying life on life's terms. After being at the 40th and talking with some other acquaintainces from years gone by, I was reminded that life isn't always a bed or roses. By the age of 40 most of us have experienced heartbreak or loss in some form or another. And if we haven't, we are pretty damn lucky. None of us know what life will bring. Stopping and smelling the roses seems to be working for me - enjoying each days as it unfolds certainly helps with the bigger picture.
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