Feeling old

I've had a rough few days around accepting this "change of life" that I'm going through. I think I am in acceptance around my SIF. Obviously I'd rather not be a SI, but I am, and I am getting better at embracing my infertility (for lack of a better term).

But the other symptoms that come with perimenopause/ovarian failure; I'm still struggling with. My sleep gets disrupted with the night sweats, the mood swings mean I feel like I'm going mad quite frequently, the hot flushes mean I feel uncomfortable every now and then and the low libido/painful sex - that has to be one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. Quite frankly after SIF, nothing has made me feel so old as my waning sex drive. I know there are creams out there to help - hormonal ones - and I do have some in my drawer. I haven't used them yet as my herbalist was quite against them. I have a non-herbal remedy I could try so I ought to give that a decent shot before perhaps resorting to hormonal creams.

I guess the biggest emotion I feel right now is loss. I feel like I am grieving my pre-menopausal self. I was in good health for so many years; it is difficult accepting my imperfect body. I think I have been grieving another biological child for a good couple of years and now I am grieving my former "young" body. I don't much like this old one I have now. I know I will get there with acceptance and just have to give myself time to do so.

I am still trying to be as gentle and kind to myself as possible. The day by day approach seems to work. Yet I find it hard to not get impatient with God's Will in my life. It feels like forever that I have been living in this standstill mode. I've applied for another part-time position - waiting to hear about that one. These days I only apply for jobs if they genuinely feel like positions that interest me. This one is connected to a non-profit organisation and it could be a good fit.

I certainly feel lost on my path. I don't know what my path is. If it wasn't to be a MOT (up until this point) - then what is it? It's not to be a high-flying career type - that has never been me. I seem to have stepped out of one industry that I've been in for the last ten years (graphic design), yet I'm not sure where to go to from here.

I have been at major crossroads before in my life so I know that in time this will all be worked out. My path will become clear again and life will once again feel as if it is flowing. But for now it feels stuck and stagnant and I am bored and over feeling lost. I suppose it's a time for collecting my thoughts and refueling. A time for accepting my body as a forty-something. The deepest and most painful feeling is I feel like I've failed as a woman - I cannot produce children any more and I cannot even freely enjoy sex. I feel quite unsexy - just so old and crusty. It's a shock. For so long I've looked and felt so much younger than I look but that is no longer the case. I feel like an old crusty woman on the inside. Sigh.

I'm trying to do the things that make me feel good about myself - the nurturing stuff. I joined a book club - a new one - and am looking forward to our first meeting next week. We will be meeting once a month and reading a book a month. I think it will be good for me as I really need a focus for now - especially until I work out what I want to do/am meant to be doing vocation-wise.

Also by the time I've read the first book for the book club it will be close to our Eduction and Preparation Programme (for adoption) in late August. I'm looking forward to that. I've also thought I may as well enjoy reading books over the next little bit as you never know, there is a possibility that in 2010 I could become a Mum for the second time. We should be through the paperwork side of it, all going well, by Aprilish next year so who knows how long we will be sitting, waiting in the adoptive parents pool. Apparently after two years of being in the pool you have to renew your interest. My feeling is if nothing happens after two years then it clearly wasn't meant to be.