The heartbreak of SIF caused me to lose sight of many things in my life. The loss of a big dream - to have another biological child - resulted in many of my former dreams also taking the plunge. Life seemed quite hopeless, meaningless and without direction for quite some time.
Yet lately I feel some dreams re-emerging again. It is nice to be able to think about the future a bit more instead of just being in survival mode, fighting the emotional side affects of being a SI.
Perhaps I am accepting on a deeper level that it doesn't matter how another child comes into our family. I have grieved having a biological child but now feel quite hopeful that an addition to our family via adoption could be quite a strong possibility. I have been allowing myself to have baby fantasies again. I can actually imagine my daughter with a baby sister. My feeling is that my daughter is quite open to the idea.
This morning on a children's TV show; a mouse character was upset because her new baby sister was getting all the attention and she felt unloved. My daughter was quite interested in what was going on. She often has little sisters in her play. Funny how neither I nor her seem to fantasie about a boy or a brother. I wouldn't say no to a boy - it's just I have always thought I'd have two girls, for some reason.
Last night I went to a first aid evening at my daughter's Kindy. A group of Mum's were talking how easy number three child was to care for. Although I felt a pang I didn't feel like a dagger was going straight through my heart. However I still often feel like the odd one out socially with Mum's of more than one child.
I suppose sometimes we do end up getting all we desired for in life - it's just it is often orchestrated in quite a different way to how we'd envisoned it. So I think I could become a MOT one day - and as time goes by, I know if it happens, it'll be in the way it's meant to be.
For quite some time I've been quite adamant that I wanted us to buy a house in the area we currently reside in. However, after the dramas and disappointments of the last few years, I am ready for a change. I am much more open to us buying in a different part of Nelson. Somehow, because I am letting go of things having to be a certain way; I know they are more likely to work-out.
The other night I was sorting through some old boxes and it was like rediscovering pieces of me through old photos, artwork, and bits of memorabilia. Going through a personal crisis (like I think SIF has been for me) involves looking back, reclaiming some parts of oneself, letting go of other parts and then reinventing oneself. That has been my experience, anyway.
I feel as though I am reaping the benefits from making a real effort to slow down and smell the roses - to get to know me again and to accept this phase of my life. I do feel change in the air. I know I will be out of this standstill mode sometime soon. In fact, I believe I am already out of it. I am moving forward with a new confidence that better things are indeed in store for me.
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