Hell In The Hallway

A close friend of mine recently reminded me of the Hell In The Hallway saying - that is, when one door shuts there is often a lapse of time before the next door opens. No-one enjoys being In The Hallway. It's cold, dark and lonely in the hallway - and a little bit boring! SIF has undoubtedly been one of the longest and intense experiences of Hell In The Hallway I have endured!

Yet I have been thinking of how I've become a bit of a semi-expert at managing my Time In The Hallway, because of this latest experience. Over the last almost three years I have learnt that when life feels as though it is completely stagnant; it is possible to create goals for the short-term. It's possible to introduce change in one's life on a small scale. The effort is worth it.

This time round in the hallway I've joined a gym, been to art classes, sold my art at three different markets, started a couple of blogs and my latest "new" thing - I've joined a book club. If I didn't do these things - these attempts at keeping life somewhat fresh, I would well and truly go mad, I'm sure.

Everytime I make a change or bring in something new in my life, I feel as though my life isn't completely all about some outcome I'd wanted more than anything ie: another biological child.

Had it not being for SIF; I'm not sure I'd be doing some of the stuff I have been over the last couple of years. I guess if another child had come along as planned and hoped; then all my time would have gone into nurturing that child. Instead, my excess love and energy has gone into nurturing me. And I'm getting better at it.

It is a gift from God that I have this free time in my life right now - five mornings a week while my daughter goes to Kindy. Basically, aside from the odd appointment related to her ASD, I can do whatever the hell I like for about three hours a day, Monday - Friday. In this time of economic stress, it is quite the treat. I feel very blessed yet at the same time think and know that I need this excess of "me-time." It's almost like I'm having to get reacquainted with myself after enduring the hardest two or so years of my life. I've truly slowed-down over the last couple of weeks. Now I'm enjoying using my "me-time" to have long hot baths with a candle, to read a book in the sunshine, to journal, to meet a friend for coffee or to go to the gym.

Although my emotional state is a bit rocky at times, due to perimenopause/a hormonal imbalance - I believe I am through the actual trials and tribulations of SIF. I have no periods, ovulate probably never and well, it's kind of like I reached the end of the road on the TTC front. Because we've started the adoption process, I am in The Hallway all over again. I am still waiting and hoping that there will be another addition to our family.

If adoption hadn't been an option for us, I think I would be in quite a different space. Somehow the unknowingness around whether our family will be added to or not still has a very big hold on on far we are able to move forward as a family. Basically we haven't moved forward for a very long time. I do trust that we will one day - and when it happens it will be amazing.

Joining the book club was a great call for me. I really enjoyed going to the first session this Wednesday where I met eleven women (I knew one already) mainly in their forties - many of them Mums. We only got our first book to read that night so we were able to just mingle for a bit. I had a great chat with a woman who was also at cross-roads in her life: her son was five and she'd left her career of twelve years and was currently not working - she was giving herself space to work out what comes next (much like I am).

I am a great believer in God delivering us messages through people, places and things. Those messages are both key and vital when you are In The Hallway. I joined RESOLVE recently - an on-line support group for those struggling with infertility. I've made some great connections already but in particular was rapt to hear another Mum share her story which was very similar to mine: went through SIF, her child was diagnosed with ASD and she's adopted her second child.

People are coming into my life lately in all sorts of shapes and sizes - on-line and in real life. Everyone seems to have something to offer. I am grateful for my close friends who I have history with and who accept me for where I am at in my life. Yet it is always imperative, I believe, to meet others who are also In The Hallway facing the same challenges - it certainly helps with the loneliness.

For now the gym, painting and now the book club are my means of surviving the rest of my time In The Hallway. My husband and I are also endeavouring to be a bit more social - as a couple and with friends. I'm looking into taking on a new respite carer for our daughter as the current one hasn't really worked out.

We have a month to read each book in the book club and so by the time I finish this first book (The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver), we will be just a couple of days away from the (Adoption) Education and Preparation Programme. I'm really looking forward to the next step in the adoption process. Once we're through the paperwork there will be nothing else we can do around hoping for another child in our family - it really will be entirely up to God.