Wow, amazing how one week I can feel as though I have the whole SIF ordeal sorted and the next feel as though I have been completely crushed all over again. Time and time again I think I have nailed SIF only to have a day or days of feeling absolutely shite. Never say never when dealing with SIF!
For me SIF has been the biggest identity crisis of my life. It has filtered into my being and affected my outlook of so many things - how I see myself, my complete confusion right now as to what I want to do in life and it has affected so many of my relationships, it's not funny.
I feel so responsible for this horrible stagnant phase our family has been in for the last (almost) three years. It seems our dreams and aspirations as a family are forever an arms length away.
Buying a house is definitely the next big thing for us yet to do that I will have to work more hours. I have been applying for part-time work over the last three - four months and so far haven't had any bites. I don't even know what I want to do. I worked in the graphic design industry for a decade but it just isn't my passion. Somehow I want to work in a more meaningful field and am on the fence as to whether or not I want to return to working with special needs children since my own daughter has ASD (autism spectrum disorder).
The economic climate of course is affecting our ability to move into home ownership - not just SIF. But the emotional side of SIF is so draining at times and often I just don't have the time or energy to do much more than parent my four year old. I seem to need a lot of downtime to just "be" right now.
Sigh. I guess I am still in the midst of some changes that from the outside (and sometimes inside!) appear as if they aren't happening - but if I take a step back, I know they are happening. I am very drawn to my art and when I do have the time and energy for it - I truly enjoy painting.
I guess I am in conflict with myself as to whether I pursue a passion - or just get some job so we can buy a house. I know I could do both. I will just continue to keep an open mind as to how that all might pan out.
The next step for our adoption process is just under four weeks away. I feel as though I have been hanging out for that. By the time I've finished the first book for the book club; it'll just be days to this next step. I am really keen to meet parents who have adopted through the Education and Preparation Programme. Plus I just want to tick this step off so we can proceed to the next one! I want to keep things moving along people!
All I f**king want is to have our family completed and settled in a home that we own so we can just get on with it - just get on with living! It really isn't too much to ask now, is it? I am finding it hard to not only be jealous of friends and family who got their second children easily - but how they've been able to carry on with their other dreams such as buying houses. Sometimes it perplexes me as to why exactly such simple and everyday wants - having two children and a house are such a hurdle for us.
Logically, it makes no sense. It is only when I can get into a decent space where I can stop and listen that I think perhaps my Higher Power just sees all this as an opportunity for immense spiritual growth. I have nothing to cling to outside of myself to warm my battered ego at this point - I have no choice but to do the internal work I seem to be coaxed to do by the God of my understanding. And even though I get that - that this is my time of learning great spiritual lessons, if I am willing, I still envy that others have gotten the stuff I so desperately want so easily.
Phew. One day I hope to be able to look back at all this and genuinely claim it was worth it. I really do. In the meantime all I can do is to continue to hang in there and pray and make time for God as much as possible because at the end of the day, God is the only one who can fill this aching God-shaped hole that I have.
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