One of the side affects of my SIF has been a feeling of no longer understanding or being in tune with my body. I used to know my body so well. Yet for the last two years or more I have been completely and continually baffled by my reproductive system.
This swollen belly is starting to do my head in. I had a bout of slightly blurred vision today, followed by an intense headache and then some pretty bad nausea. Luckily I was able to blob on the couch for a couple of hours watching tele with my daughter.
When the nausea hit I was starting to buy into the possibility that no periods for a while, a swollen stomach and nausea could equate to pregnancy. Hello? In most cases that would make sense wouldn't it. It would all add up. Not with me, I'm afraid.
The blurred vision of today tells me that something else is going on. Before I got pregnant with my daughter I used to have excruitating periods whereupon I would black out. That's kind of how I was feeling today - a similar feeling where I was on the verge of a black-out - without AF present. I never made it into the box for endometriosis many moons ago, but occasionally specialists will ask or have asked along this SIF journey of mine if I have had it.
Anyway, my appointment with the Dr is first thing in the morning. I just want to get the pregnancy test out of the way so whatever else is going on can be figured out.
I hate that I cannot let myself get hopeful really because of the reality - the dark, horrible truth that a pregnancy is so very, very unlikely. It does suck how what should be a dream just feels like one ridiculous fantasy.
I guess I am triggered because I have been doing the "what ifs" these past few days around being pregnant when I thought I had well and truly closed the lid on even thinking that was a possibility. Who knows what's going on with my swollen belly: perhaps it is just a cyst-bump. I have been waiting gingerly for someone to ask the awkward question since I do look a few months pregnant. But luckily those in my Mum's networks gave up looking at my stomach to see if there was a bump a good year or so ago.
What a strange, strange journey this SIF is. Continual unknowingness and confusion. It has been bizarre allowing myself to go there today and to imagine that it (SIF) could all be over. Could it? One more day to find out.
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