The joke is on me

My body - what is it playing at this time?

A recap: December '07 a 5cm ovarian cyst was discovered via an ultrasound. I suspected something was wrong as I wasn't pregnant, but I certainly looked like I was with some bloating around my abdomin. May '08 the cyst had grown to over 6cm and so I had it removed - I had a laparotomy. Actually, two cysts were removed in the end.

My obsterician was hopeful that my fertility would improve after that op, but it never did. He didn't know what to do with me after that point since it seemed I wasn't ovulating and my periods were irregular. He referred me to a specialist but because of cash-flow problems and a realisation that all the specialists were going to do was claim my eggs were no doubt not of good quality and or quantity; I cancelled the appointment.

Since May '08 my periods have continued to be all over the place. I had one patch where I didn't have AF visit for six months, AF came back for four months, disappeared and hasn't visited for around five months.

That's the recap. The present situation is I have swollen abs all over again. It is like really bad water retention and yes, the joke is on me, as I look about three months pregnant (my husband's words). The thing is, even though I know my chances of conceiving are virtually nil, I've been prone to a bit of fantasizing these last few days around being pregnant. I am going in to see my Dr on Wednesday and am expecting I will have to do a pregnancy test and will probably be referred on for an ultrasound.

Part of me thinks imagine if by some tremendous miracle I did get pregnant - imagine that! Then another part of me is fearful that I have another cyst and am concerned about possible surgery. I cannot guess what is going on here. I know I could have done a pregnancy test myself - rather than wait til I go to the Dr - but I would rather save the expense of buying yet another pregnancy test to get yet another BFN. It is free if I go through the Dr (though I will still have to go through the consult). BTW, we haven't even (you know what) much at all the last few months so given I have erratic cycles, ovulation is unlikely, I have one ovary and we've barely even gone there - it really is no doubt a case of my body playing a bit of a mean trick on me. (as far as I am concerned).

I am partly embarrassed by my swollen abs as I have been pretty fit for the last year and a half with a flat stomach and now I look out of shape! My pants are all tight. I had to wear a skirt to work today for comfort reasons! I'm worried someone will ask me if I am pregnant!! It really is that noticeable. Seriously!!

Speaking of work I had a good day today: I spent most it of changing around the displays at the gallery. I really got stuck into my creative side.

A MOT I know, and used to be kind of friends with once upon a time came in with her family today to work. I admit it, I have resentments against her as she is the Mum who openly talked about her IF with me yet when she conceived her second child, after a patch of SIF, completely shut me down saying her husband wasn't comfortable with the world knowing how their children were conceived. I was so hurt at the time when it happened as she was - and still is - the only woman in the town I live in that I have personally met who went through SIF. I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to share your experiences - especially if the outcome was positive - with another SI.

Anyway, she gave me a hug which I thought was kind of odd. Sure, we did the small talk thing. I think one of the last times I saw her I was in tears at a Music group we both used to go to as I got so overwhelmed by all the MOTS and bumps. I actually left that day before the class started. She has seen my pain several times yet is somehow oblivious to it even though she obviously has been through similar herself. I just don't get it. I suppose some folk are much more private than others.

I've been busy on the ASD front with my daughter which is a very good focus - it gets me out of my SIF blues. To be honest, even though it's a one percent chance or something pathetic like that, that I could actually be pregnant; there is a part of me that would be concerned with a pregnancy now given autism is genetic. We are very lucky with our daughter that she is just mildly autistic. Even so, there is so much work and energy required to bring her into the mainstream - all the specialists, social stories etc take a lot of time. Some of the Mums I've met through the local autism support group have older children and then their second or third children are the ones with ASD or Aspergers. Many have said how grateful they are that it wasn't their first child who was autistic. There are differing degrees of autism and some families have several kids with differing degrees of autism: from mild to severe.

I have a God box - a physical box that sits in our wardrobe where I put my dreams and desires. Naturally my wish for "another healthy child" has been sitting there for a couple of years now. And that's just it - I would like a healthy child. I would accept whatever God had planned for us, however. Yet even within my fantasies of a family of four I picture us with our child with ASD and another - without ASD. I love my daughter more than anything. Yet it is heart-breaking at times dealing with her autism. Our daughter is thriving - she has come such a long way. But she has more struggles than typical children. I just wouldn't want another one of our children to go through it, that's all. (if we are blessed with another one).

Who knows, maybe this is why adoption is part of the grand plan for us.

I'm probably talking through a hole in my head. I'm just looking forward to seeing my Dr soon and sorting out what is going on with my body this time!