As expected - a BFN

I just got back from the Dr. Sure enough I did a pregnancy test first. And I just knew, knew it was going to be a BFN. Yet I feel devastated after getting a BFN as I had allowed myself to dream, to fantasise about being pregnant. I feel like a fool.

I never thought I would ever take another pregnancy test as I thought I had pretty much being written off around TTC again. I hate that I had to take one which was 99.99% likely to be a negative. It feels as though my infertility was flaunted in front of me and I really didn't need to be reminded, thank-you very much.

So I have this swollen belly that looks like pregnancy...I am going in for an ultrasound on Friday to see if there is a cyst in there. My Dr's verdict today was that I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). WTF??!! It's caused by stress, she said. And yesterday - when I had the blurred vision, splitting headache and nausea - it was probably a migraine.

For a day or so when I thought I might perhaps be pregnant, I did think how amazing would it be to be off this SIF roller-coaster. In particular to be past all this stress. As no matter how hard I try to "lighten" up - I feel the burden of SIF on my shoulders. It's never far away.

I'm hoping the further we get into the adoption process, the further away SIF falls behind. If and when we get picked as prospective adoptive parents; perhaps I will relax a bit more. But until then we are still waiting, going through the motions of adoption. It's positive but it is a painstakingly slow - well domestic adoption is in this country (NZ), anyway.

I've shed some tears while writing this today. I feel like my morning has been blown to pieces. My precious "me-time" while my daughter is at Kindy is about picking myself up off the floor and dusting myself off. It sucks. I feel angry. Angry at God once again for allowing me to believe what seems to be the impossible. Grrrrr.

Oh well, Friday week is the Education and Preparation Assessment programme (with adoption services). Only ten days to go to that!