Today is my forty-first birthday. It is a sunny day after a stormy night last night. Spring is in the air and the sky is blue. The weather conditions are perfect - yet my heart is heavy.
Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day - these are hard days. It is impossible to ignore the tug of the very present I had hoped for at the very core of my being. For the last few birthdays I have hoped that God might somehow orchestrate a miracle. Yet every birthday I wind up feeling older in the true sense of the word and further away from my dream of another biological child.
I hate that this desire clouds what should be simple pleasures in my life. Like how today no present, no matter how sweet or thoughtful can replace what I really want.
Today my daughter's Kindy are off to the local petting zoo. It will be a nice morning yet I am not looking forward to spending part of my birthday with all The Completed Families that will be there. It is so unfair that once again my SIF grief threatens what should be a lovely outing with my daughter. I didn't have to go either - it's totally up to the parents on whether they choose to come or not. But there is always this background fear that my daughter could be my only one; so I am not missing out on anything! - even if it means having to tolerate groups of MOTs and MOTHs from time to time.
Does the God of my understanding have a sense of humour or what?! As on my way back home from dropping off my daughter at Kindy just now (as I have an hour here before heading back for the petting zoo excursion); my eighteen year old neighbour informed me that she thought she was in labour and asked me to sit with her until her Mum arrived! Thankfully her Mum did arrive just five minutes later. I would have supported her - and have always said I would - but still....My neighbour asked me if I thought she was in labour to which I said you're probably better off asking your Mum. Her Mum said "Oh, because you've just had one". Well, no, the reason I was thinking her Mum would be more knowledgable was because I had an emergency c-section so haven't actually experienced labour!
I truly want to enjoy the rest of my day so hope by having a wee vent this morning I can feel my Higher Powers love today. I want to have hope and faith and to feel abundance in my life. My daughter and I made a chocolate cake last night and decorated it with lollies. We're having a simple family dinner tonight. Then afterwards I have my book club to go to.
I feel obliged to feel on cloud nine because it's my birthday but I don't feel like that at all. I just want to tell someone that "I'm 41 today. I've been going through SIF for almost three years and actually, it sucks. I don't much feel like celebrating."
I've been working the twelve steps around SIF for several months now and am partly through Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. When I shared my step four on Monday, I was able to reveal how much I hold back in my SIF grief. I have realised that not being able to share how I truly feel with friends and family has been hugely detrimental to me. So, I am going to attempt to be a little more open with those around me. It's not my problem if they don't understand, feel uncomfortable or don't take my pain seriously. I am not going to be the last woman who goes through SIF - there will be many women to follow. So I think I will be helping others by disclosing as much as I feel comfortable revealing.
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