Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
On outting myself (as someone who went through SIF)
The last couple of weeks have been interesting ones post-SIF-wise. Being interviewed for a local newspaper and then interviewed live on a local radio station about the IF supported group I started has been quite freeing for the most part. It's almost as though I have given myself permission to really begin to move on from SIF. It still hurts a lot of the time, but I am trying my best to not be living and breathing SIF anymore - as I was for what felt like a very long time.
Not many people I know heard the radio interview - only my husband and a couple of women from the IF support group I started. But all (including the interviewer) said it was a good interview - that I "sounded real and on-to-it."
I've had some feedback from the newspaper article that was printed this week. The photo of me that featured next to the article was a big colour one and lots of people have given me compliments about it (have to say; it is one of the better photos ever taken of me!). I had one phone-call from a woman who went through IF who went through a very dark phase who thought it was great I started such a group. Another woman phoned up simply to share her IF story from 20 years ago! Both women now have children.
I was pleased with the article. Although I revealed my story in the interview, it didn't actually feature in it which in the end has felt like a bit of a relief. Obviously I went through infertility to be in the article - but it isn't like "all our dirty laundry is aired" as my husband put it. I have typed the article below:
Infertility support group by Matt Lawrey, The Leader, 24/6/10
Nelson women facing fertility problems need not suffer alone.
A group set up by Tahunanui woman Lynda Xxxxx meets monthly to provide support for women experiencing infertility. Meetings involve sharing stories in a safe and confidential environment, followed by a supper.
She said people often don't know how to deal with infertility when it comes up.
"It is a bit of party pooper," she said.
Lynda started the group to give women the opportunity to be with others who are going through or who have been through similar things.
"In many women's lives there is a big hole between how friends and family are able to support them and what they actually need. People who haven't been through infertility often put their foot in it, without intending to," she said.
Lynda said for many women infertility will be one of the biggest challenges they ever face.
"It can take years to reconcile a major loss like this which can hinge on a woman's identity; and therefore her self-esteem. I wanted to create a group or a space where women could start to support one another through the emotional roller-coaster ride of infertility. A place they could feel safe, be heard, accepted, understood and not judged."
The women from the IF support group itself I've had feedback from were pleased with it. Hopefully I've raised awareness a little about IF out there - in my corner of the world, anyway!
We now have an interview with our social worker in regards to the latest lot of paperwork we sent off for the adoption process. It's on July 8th. It's an hour long and I feel a mix of excitment/nerves about it. The further we get into the adoption process - the more real the possibility of adopting becomes. It is a strange process in that we really do have to think about how an adopted child will fit into our lives - yet the adopted child might never come. I am feeling a bit vulnerable as we go through this process - essentially playing our last card to parenthood for the second time. We have no choice but to put all our eggs in one basket (no pun intended there). I don't find it hard to imagine another child in our lives. Yet I worry about sleepness nights with two children - as sleep issues are just part of life with our daughter. I worry about finances and how exactly things will pan out, knowing I will have to work part-time when this potential baby is only very young. I worry about future relationships between extended family and our potential adopted child. I worry about how my autistic daughter will cope with a sibling after being an only-child for the first five years (or more - depending on when we may adopt) of her life.
But this week I had a wee talk with our daughter about adoption. She asked why I was in the paper so I explained how I had started a group for women who couldn't have children. She then said she wanted a brother or sister and was a bit upset about things. So I told her another way of adding to our family was adoption and asked her if she thought that was a good idea. She thought it was. I think she got the concept but it is a hard one to explain to an autistic child - that we may or not get to adopt a baby. She said she wanted to pick a name and wanted a sister.
In some ways it seems unfair that as a family we are making the room in our hearts and minds to accomodate a potential adopted child and all that comes with that decision. But this child may not come to us. We may not ever get picked (by a birth family). It is different to TTC within SIF. I don't feel quite so desperate. But I am hopeful. I know that if (open) adoption happens for us our lives will change quite dramatically. But I do feel strong enough to handle all the asides that come with open adoption and also know at times, if things work out, that it will be tough. I just hope some kind of healing comes out of it all. I don't expect an adopted child to take away my SIF pain or to wipe my slate clean. But I do expect and hope that another child being added to our family, if it happens, will shorten the gap that resides within our family - a family that does not feel complete.
Not many people I know heard the radio interview - only my husband and a couple of women from the IF support group I started. But all (including the interviewer) said it was a good interview - that I "sounded real and on-to-it."
I've had some feedback from the newspaper article that was printed this week. The photo of me that featured next to the article was a big colour one and lots of people have given me compliments about it (have to say; it is one of the better photos ever taken of me!). I had one phone-call from a woman who went through IF who went through a very dark phase who thought it was great I started such a group. Another woman phoned up simply to share her IF story from 20 years ago! Both women now have children.
I was pleased with the article. Although I revealed my story in the interview, it didn't actually feature in it which in the end has felt like a bit of a relief. Obviously I went through infertility to be in the article - but it isn't like "all our dirty laundry is aired" as my husband put it. I have typed the article below:
Infertility support group by Matt Lawrey, The Leader, 24/6/10
Nelson women facing fertility problems need not suffer alone.
A group set up by Tahunanui woman Lynda Xxxxx meets monthly to provide support for women experiencing infertility. Meetings involve sharing stories in a safe and confidential environment, followed by a supper.
She said people often don't know how to deal with infertility when it comes up.
"It is a bit of party pooper," she said.
Lynda started the group to give women the opportunity to be with others who are going through or who have been through similar things.
"In many women's lives there is a big hole between how friends and family are able to support them and what they actually need. People who haven't been through infertility often put their foot in it, without intending to," she said.
Lynda said for many women infertility will be one of the biggest challenges they ever face.
"It can take years to reconcile a major loss like this which can hinge on a woman's identity; and therefore her self-esteem. I wanted to create a group or a space where women could start to support one another through the emotional roller-coaster ride of infertility. A place they could feel safe, be heard, accepted, understood and not judged."
The women from the IF support group itself I've had feedback from were pleased with it. Hopefully I've raised awareness a little about IF out there - in my corner of the world, anyway!
We now have an interview with our social worker in regards to the latest lot of paperwork we sent off for the adoption process. It's on July 8th. It's an hour long and I feel a mix of excitment/nerves about it. The further we get into the adoption process - the more real the possibility of adopting becomes. It is a strange process in that we really do have to think about how an adopted child will fit into our lives - yet the adopted child might never come. I am feeling a bit vulnerable as we go through this process - essentially playing our last card to parenthood for the second time. We have no choice but to put all our eggs in one basket (no pun intended there). I don't find it hard to imagine another child in our lives. Yet I worry about sleepness nights with two children - as sleep issues are just part of life with our daughter. I worry about finances and how exactly things will pan out, knowing I will have to work part-time when this potential baby is only very young. I worry about future relationships between extended family and our potential adopted child. I worry about how my autistic daughter will cope with a sibling after being an only-child for the first five years (or more - depending on when we may adopt) of her life.
But this week I had a wee talk with our daughter about adoption. She asked why I was in the paper so I explained how I had started a group for women who couldn't have children. She then said she wanted a brother or sister and was a bit upset about things. So I told her another way of adding to our family was adoption and asked her if she thought that was a good idea. She thought it was. I think she got the concept but it is a hard one to explain to an autistic child - that we may or not get to adopt a baby. She said she wanted to pick a name and wanted a sister.
In some ways it seems unfair that as a family we are making the room in our hearts and minds to accomodate a potential adopted child and all that comes with that decision. But this child may not come to us. We may not ever get picked (by a birth family). It is different to TTC within SIF. I don't feel quite so desperate. But I am hopeful. I know that if (open) adoption happens for us our lives will change quite dramatically. But I do feel strong enough to handle all the asides that come with open adoption and also know at times, if things work out, that it will be tough. I just hope some kind of healing comes out of it all. I don't expect an adopted child to take away my SIF pain or to wipe my slate clean. But I do expect and hope that another child being added to our family, if it happens, will shorten the gap that resides within our family - a family that does not feel complete.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Life after SIF
The time and space I've allowed myself of late to heal from SIF is paying off. Big-time. I feel the shift happening within that I feel like I have waited for forever - the place where SIF feels as though it is something I went through, rather than something I am going through. And it feels great.
I have been working the twelve steps through-out my journey and am finally there - at Step Twelve: Having had a spirtual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I do feel as though I have had a spiritual awakening of sorts over the last week or so. Somehow the willingness to move on from SIF, giving myself the space I needed to heal from SIF, talking on the radio and to the local paper about the infertility support group I started, and checking in less to Dailystrength - all these things have equated to a lightness, an acceptance and a genuine release of all that has been.
I'm not saying I won't have my days anymore around bumps and completed families - nope, I'm still having to apply self-preservation there. But the difference is, I am not burdened by SIF. It no longer defines me. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Some of those who have followed my journey will recall that I wanted to write a book about SIF - with the same title as my blog. But it's never been the right time until now - because I really needed to have moved on from SIF to have the perspective I needed to write such a book. I am ready. I think it will be incredibly healing to write about my SIF journey - it will be based on this blog (as I do have two and a half years of material!) I've said it before - but I want to write such a book - basically my story with SIF - because there are hardly any books out there about SIF. I want to write it in a real way - about the emotional side of it - the roller-coaster ride. Also I think it is important that my book doesn't have a happy ending as in - we get picked by a birth family and life is fine. I want to end the book where I am now - in this place of moving on from SIF and been open to whatever outcome comes our way - maybe we will be picked by a birth family - or maybe not. The desperate place I was in for so long wouldn't have been a good place to write a book from - that would never work as it wouldn't offer a lot of hope to the women who follow me with SIF. I have no problems revealing my own highs and lows - but I needed to be content within the aftermath of SIF before writing about it.
So I am in the process of tidying up our third bedroom which is also known as "my office' - which is my place to write. After the school holidays (which start in two weeks time), I will have 9 - 3pm free twice a week, as my daughter will be going to school almost fulltime. So as well as starting my SIF book; I would also like to do a bit of freelance writing to generate some extra income - it's something I was just getting into but shut up shop when SIF took over my life.
I guess the biggest change of all is I now feel complete. I am a different person in some respects because of SIF - but I am feeling different in a positive way - not a damaged way. I felt so damaged for so long - it wasn't a nice place to be.
Next week my article will be published in the local paper about the IF support group I started and our adoption hopes will probably be mentioned. Therefore I think it is time to tell our daughter what our hopes are too and I think this weekend will be a good time to do it. Our paperwork for the next stage of the process was received by Adoption Services last week so we are just waiting to hear when our appointment will be with our assigned social worker. I do have this amazing sense of peace that I will be okay whatever happens - but that we are meant to go through the adoption process; wherever it leads us.
I wish peace and contentment to all my followers, wherever they might be in their IF or SIF journey's. There is life again after infertility - I guess we just all get there in our own way and time.
I have been working the twelve steps through-out my journey and am finally there - at Step Twelve: Having had a spirtual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I do feel as though I have had a spiritual awakening of sorts over the last week or so. Somehow the willingness to move on from SIF, giving myself the space I needed to heal from SIF, talking on the radio and to the local paper about the infertility support group I started, and checking in less to Dailystrength - all these things have equated to a lightness, an acceptance and a genuine release of all that has been.
I'm not saying I won't have my days anymore around bumps and completed families - nope, I'm still having to apply self-preservation there. But the difference is, I am not burdened by SIF. It no longer defines me. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Some of those who have followed my journey will recall that I wanted to write a book about SIF - with the same title as my blog. But it's never been the right time until now - because I really needed to have moved on from SIF to have the perspective I needed to write such a book. I am ready. I think it will be incredibly healing to write about my SIF journey - it will be based on this blog (as I do have two and a half years of material!) I've said it before - but I want to write such a book - basically my story with SIF - because there are hardly any books out there about SIF. I want to write it in a real way - about the emotional side of it - the roller-coaster ride. Also I think it is important that my book doesn't have a happy ending as in - we get picked by a birth family and life is fine. I want to end the book where I am now - in this place of moving on from SIF and been open to whatever outcome comes our way - maybe we will be picked by a birth family - or maybe not. The desperate place I was in for so long wouldn't have been a good place to write a book from - that would never work as it wouldn't offer a lot of hope to the women who follow me with SIF. I have no problems revealing my own highs and lows - but I needed to be content within the aftermath of SIF before writing about it.
So I am in the process of tidying up our third bedroom which is also known as "my office' - which is my place to write. After the school holidays (which start in two weeks time), I will have 9 - 3pm free twice a week, as my daughter will be going to school almost fulltime. So as well as starting my SIF book; I would also like to do a bit of freelance writing to generate some extra income - it's something I was just getting into but shut up shop when SIF took over my life.
I guess the biggest change of all is I now feel complete. I am a different person in some respects because of SIF - but I am feeling different in a positive way - not a damaged way. I felt so damaged for so long - it wasn't a nice place to be.
Next week my article will be published in the local paper about the IF support group I started and our adoption hopes will probably be mentioned. Therefore I think it is time to tell our daughter what our hopes are too and I think this weekend will be a good time to do it. Our paperwork for the next stage of the process was received by Adoption Services last week so we are just waiting to hear when our appointment will be with our assigned social worker. I do have this amazing sense of peace that I will be okay whatever happens - but that we are meant to go through the adoption process; wherever it leads us.
I wish peace and contentment to all my followers, wherever they might be in their IF or SIF journey's. There is life again after infertility - I guess we just all get there in our own way and time.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
From survival to recovery
One of the titles of a book in recovery is "From Survival to Recovery". It is all about growing up with the disease of alcoholism and living a life in survival mode and then entering recovery (a 12 step programme) to turn things around - to recover from the affects of living with an alcoholic.
I went through this process in recovery - of transforming my life so I was able to live beyond that of someone who had been strongly affected by living with another's alcoholism. It changed my life, looking at what was going on at a deep emotional level, facing it and moving past it. I am still in recovery - there is still some work to be done!
I only mention it because I find myself in a similar spot. I'm back in that place of having been through something life-altering in my life and am now in a position of making some kind of sense of it all. Three and a half years of living with SIF - of chasing hopes and dreams, trying different things, falling oh-so many times as each time a new approach failed has left me feeling just a bit, er deflated. It's not like I've reached the end of the road and picked myself up and dusted myself off to think" Oh well - that was that then. You win some, you lose some."
Nope, my response post-SIF has been a bitter one. A "why not me, God?" response. Why couldn't I have had a feel-good ending to this awful chapter of my life? Surely I prayed/desired/support other women through SIF enough to deserve it? Didn't I?
I hate that I now see motherhood as some kind of a "reward." Surely it is our God-given right to have children. There are so many other struggles in life - big and small. But not being able to have a child - that doesn't feel right or fair. I look at pregnant women or women with their proudly completed families and search for the x-factor, the missing ingredient that I obviously don't have.
Will I ever see a pregnant women and not think of myself? I'm not sure. It feels like such a deep, deep loss to lose my fertility/my reproductive years/to be in early menopause. I wasn't ready for this in mind, body and soul - that's why it's taking me so long to process and accept my fate.
I woke up crying this morning because I had a dream that I had a baby in my arms. Her name was either Rebecca-Rose or Rose-Rebecca. It felt so real holding her and the feeling of completeness I felt in my dream was amazing. Yet I knew on some level it was a dream and to wake up and feel that nothingness/emptiness that I have to live with right now - well, that was pretty sobering.
It is hard letting go of a lifestyle I ended up taking on for three and a half years. It is hard to not check into Dailystrength daily when I have done so for so long. But I know I have to let go of SIF - even in baby steps - so that the rest of my life has a chance to open up again. At the moment there is a huge gap in my life where SIF sat as it robbed me of so much time and energy. Letting go of it is hard - it isn't easy letting go of the urgency to add to our family. But it really is time to let God sort this one out for once and for all.
It feels like the right thing to do - to have this space of healing as we continue the rest of the adoption process. I want to be healed in mind, body and soul as much as possible by the time we end up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. There needs to be, I strongly believe, a gap between letting go of the TTC route and embracing the adoption path. They are two very different ways of adding to a family. If by some miracle we get picked as adoptive parents, then I want to have healed as much as I can from SIF. I am realistic though and know I cannot push that healing to happen within a given time-frame. But I'm allowing the space and time for some healing to occur - to let SIF fade into the background a bit more. That has to account for something.
I do feel as though I have emerged from a destructive relationship - even if it has been a destructive relationship with myself as I have fought so many demons within SIF. I went to some dark places and have taken SIF so personally. My self-esteem and self-worth as a woman is shattered and it feels as though it will take a long time to rebuild it. I feel so flat and empty most of the time. I have a connection with God, but I have to fight for serenity a lot of the time. I like to think I am getting there, one day at a time - moving from surviving SIF, to recovering from it.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Shedding my SIF skin
I've had a significant week within my SIF/the aftermath of SIF. Things are shifting and I am making progress as far as moving on from one of the biggest nightmares in my life goes.
Last weekend my husband filled out his part of the adoption papers we needed to fill in so I posted off the papers on Monday. It has been an eight month recess for us within the adoption process - all by choice. We had a list of things we wanted to achieve before resuming the adoption process and we have done them all. The main goals were for me to find another job, to buy our first home and for me to do some healing around SIF. We have achieved all those things within eight months which I'm pretty pleased about.
The next step is we will get a call - hopefully sometime soon - about who our assigned social worker will be and then we will have two - four meetings based around the application and financial assessment forms we sent in. These are different to the initial adoption forms that we filled out last year. After the social worker visits we will be advised whether or not we have been accepted in the prospective adoptive parents pool.
I am looking forward to getting things in motion again within the adoption process. It did feel good to send off the paperwork. However it is a bit of a bittersweet time in that I am having to let go of/accept the death of a dream (once again) by continuing with an alternate option to add to our family. It is a mixed bag of feelings that I have.
I had an interview with the local community paper on Tuesday about the infertility support group and a little about my story. It will be published next week with a photograph of me. Next Tuesday morning I will also be doing a small radio interview - again about the infertility support group/my story.
It does feel good to educate and to be open about my journey on one hand. On the other hand, I feel like I have really "outted" myself and am not quite sure how I will feel when I will get comments from those who were clueless about my SIF.
But I do feel over the few days that I have put a bit more distance between myself and SIF. SIF really is in the past and therefore it only makes sense that the reason I have felt out of place within my online support group of two and a half years of late - Dailystrength - is because I no longer fit there. The group is really for women who are trying to conceive within SIF - not so much for those who can't. That's the way I see it, anyway. The few of us who cannot conceive again are in the minority and at this point in time I feel as though I am visiting a room of pregnant women every time I log in! It's not a good thing for someone who is trying her darnest to move on from SIF.
So after much thought, I have decided to check in less into Dailystrength for now. I'm not quite ready to cut all ties - it might be a bit of a weaning process. I am still in the process of healing from SIF - and very much want to move to a more content place. I cannot do that when I log in daily only to see pregnancy updates within the status of friends. A close online friend suggested I hide a couple of friends who went through SIF and now have babies on Facebook. It just hurts too much to see them clucking away about their new babies on line when I am still trying to make sense of the 3.5 years I spent trying to add to our family - only to fail. I am having to apply self-preservation once again.
It might seem that I am a bit of a bitter cow at this point. Maybe I am. But through this phase of healing I am allowing myself to go through; I am finding moments of peace. I am realistic though and have no idea what God's plans are for me from here. It isn't grade school - just because some of us get the second children we want; it doesn't mean we all will. So I need to start rebuilding my life post-SIF. Eventually some plans of life as a family of three will emerge. I just still need a bit more time to "be" as I make sense of this aftermath of SIF I am in right now.
I really do see SIF as in the past now. I have stepped out of what felt like a very long period of time in my life of desperately pining another child into a time of uncertainty. Logging into Dailystrength for two and a half years is a hard habit to break - but I will never move forward if I keep talking and focusing about the things that keep me stuck. So I guess I am shedding my SIF skin. Sure, a part of me will always be about SIF but I need to find me again and to find contentment with my life as it is today. I am sick of wishing things were different.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
A time to heal
To Every Thing There is a Season - Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
I just searched online for the above bible verse as I feel it is exactly where I'm at right now. In particular the line "...a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up".
I also found the song by The Bryds based on this verse and listening to it affirms I am exactly where I'm meant to be in my life right now - sifting through my grief.
I have been simplying my life over the last little while to give myself time and space to heal. The more I free up time or allow myself to be - the more my true feelings - my deepseat grief has come up. It seems I am busy Monday - Wednesday being a part-time working Mum and there isn't much time to think or be. Then I get to Wednesday night (which is like my Friday) and I start to let go of the busy few days I've just had and my feelings come spilling out. Not surprisingly I end up in tears on most Thursdays or Fridays at the moment. This is the time I have to myself - my agenda is mine when my daughter is at school.
I had my crying release last night (Wednesday) so have let go of a few emotions this week. At the gym earlier that day I was aware of how angry I felt. So, so angry. So I just allowed myself to feel the anger as I lifted weights and accepted it, despite it being a very uncomfortable emotion for me to feel. Accepting and feeling through hard emotions helps release them. I certainly know this from past experience.
Over the last couple of months it has transpired that two women from the infertility support group I started are pregnant as well as two women from my online support group. This has been very hard to accept and digest despite the fact that I am genuinely happy for all of them. It is just strange to have started a support group in particular in "real life" and to feel left behind. I have been thinking a bit about how to handle all these pregnancies. It seems after so many years of running way from or at least hiding myself from swollen bellies; I have nowwhere to go. Either I cut myself off from women I care about or I learn to live with what feels like an uncomfortable dynamic for me a lot of the time. I have chosen to go with the latter option and will just have to be a WIP around that one.
I constantly have to remind myself I am on my own journey - I don't know how it will end - but it is different to many of the women I have crossed paths with over the last two and a half years that I have been blogging/seeking support online with. Friendships are ever-changing in the SIF world. Sometimes it is because of pregnancy - sometimes women tire of journalling/sharing about SIF and choose to move on. God only knows I will look forward to the day when I am writing about something else.
At the same time, I am aware and also annoyed that some of my infertile friends who are now pregnant or have made peace with their journey through a Plan B seem to expect me to be "over it." I am being brutally honest here. What I've come to realise is that women going through IF come in all shapes and sizes - as in - we are all so very, very different. Some women going through IF are so private that you won't even find them on-line. Some are open-books. Some roll with the punches. Some feel things very, very deeply. That is me - I feel things at a very deep level and get so, so frustrated when people don't know that about me! Every woman is different. Some will process their losses in weeks, some in months - some will take years.
I am taking years to get through this. And I am choosing to accept myself for who I am and where I am at. I don't have a lot of support within my family - and only with a couple of friends in my everyday life - so I sure as hell don't want to feel judged in cyberspace. This is meant to be my safe place, afterall. If I continue to feel unsafe, and/or misunderstood then I will have to look at how I share/where I share.
I went for a walk on the beach today after dropping my daughter off at school and thought perhaps I am just meant to really turn to God right now. I have been leaning on women - or trying to get the support I have felt I have needed for almost three years on-line now. But everything has a season - even friendships. Perhaps God thinks I need to do the next bit of healing on my own. It is like learning to ride a bike. I have needed my online friends to help me through a rocky patch of grief - they have been my training wheels as such . But the wheels have come off now - or dynamics are changing - and so I feel alone in my grief and know that if I allow myself to "be" in my grief - as I am right now - I will learn to ride my bike just fine.
My life feels as though it is as balanced as it could be right now. After toning down the exercise and allowing myself to have caffeine and sugar again; I have discovered through reading "Mind Over Menopause" that I do need to keep exercising and that caffeine and sugar do not help my mood swings or hot flushes. So I am back at the gym doing cardio three times a week, weights twice a week and my yoga/pilates class twice a week. I will also walk when I can - like I did this morning. It's all about time for me - time to release some of this pent-up emotion I have and time to be - time to accept my fate and life as it stands today.
For three and a half years I hid my SIF pain from my daughter as I didn't think it was fair for her to see it. Of course she would know on some level - kids pick up on things - especially a sensitive soul like my daughter. But as I cried last night with my husband I asked him if it was time to include her - to brief her on what is going on with me. He agreed. So I simply told her that mummy was sad because she can't have any more children. No questions asked, she accepted it and then decided a puppet-show was needed to cheer me up! So she sat me in the lounge and put a blanket on me, and a cushion behind my back (just like I do with her when she is tired and/or a bit low) and put on a wee finger-puppet show with my husband for me with a box he made on the spot with a hole cut-out and a couple of makeshift curtains. It was a bittersweet moment - but I did laugh and had enormous gratitude for my five year old daughter that I have such a strong emotional and spiritual connection with.
This morning she asked me if I was still sad and then asked me why I was sad last night (as she doesn't normally see me cry). I said it was because mummy could have just one child and some mummies could have more children like two, or three "or four or five" she piped up. And then I said some women can't have any children and she said something along the lines of "and they have dogs or cats or chickens." How apt!! And the funny thing (in a way) is I have been hankering for a dog and have said to my husband if adoption doesn't happen for us; then I want a dog - plus it would be good for our daughter. Good for us. A way to achieve a family of four - a bundle of fur to love. We have a mature cat so will let that one sit for a bit.
I hosted our nineth IF meeting last night. It was a good meeting and within that meeting we established a few boundaries about pregnant women attending the group. I am meeting up next week with the local paper to do a piece about the IF support group I started. My photo will be in too but I am ready to be more open about SIF. I am truly trying to move on from it (despite the opinion of some). But I want to send the message out there that it takes time to heal. It really does.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
I just searched online for the above bible verse as I feel it is exactly where I'm at right now. In particular the line "...a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up".
I also found the song by The Bryds based on this verse and listening to it affirms I am exactly where I'm meant to be in my life right now - sifting through my grief.
I have been simplying my life over the last little while to give myself time and space to heal. The more I free up time or allow myself to be - the more my true feelings - my deepseat grief has come up. It seems I am busy Monday - Wednesday being a part-time working Mum and there isn't much time to think or be. Then I get to Wednesday night (which is like my Friday) and I start to let go of the busy few days I've just had and my feelings come spilling out. Not surprisingly I end up in tears on most Thursdays or Fridays at the moment. This is the time I have to myself - my agenda is mine when my daughter is at school.
I had my crying release last night (Wednesday) so have let go of a few emotions this week. At the gym earlier that day I was aware of how angry I felt. So, so angry. So I just allowed myself to feel the anger as I lifted weights and accepted it, despite it being a very uncomfortable emotion for me to feel. Accepting and feeling through hard emotions helps release them. I certainly know this from past experience.
Over the last couple of months it has transpired that two women from the infertility support group I started are pregnant as well as two women from my online support group. This has been very hard to accept and digest despite the fact that I am genuinely happy for all of them. It is just strange to have started a support group in particular in "real life" and to feel left behind. I have been thinking a bit about how to handle all these pregnancies. It seems after so many years of running way from or at least hiding myself from swollen bellies; I have nowwhere to go. Either I cut myself off from women I care about or I learn to live with what feels like an uncomfortable dynamic for me a lot of the time. I have chosen to go with the latter option and will just have to be a WIP around that one.
I constantly have to remind myself I am on my own journey - I don't know how it will end - but it is different to many of the women I have crossed paths with over the last two and a half years that I have been blogging/seeking support online with. Friendships are ever-changing in the SIF world. Sometimes it is because of pregnancy - sometimes women tire of journalling/sharing about SIF and choose to move on. God only knows I will look forward to the day when I am writing about something else.
At the same time, I am aware and also annoyed that some of my infertile friends who are now pregnant or have made peace with their journey through a Plan B seem to expect me to be "over it." I am being brutally honest here. What I've come to realise is that women going through IF come in all shapes and sizes - as in - we are all so very, very different. Some women going through IF are so private that you won't even find them on-line. Some are open-books. Some roll with the punches. Some feel things very, very deeply. That is me - I feel things at a very deep level and get so, so frustrated when people don't know that about me! Every woman is different. Some will process their losses in weeks, some in months - some will take years.
I am taking years to get through this. And I am choosing to accept myself for who I am and where I am at. I don't have a lot of support within my family - and only with a couple of friends in my everyday life - so I sure as hell don't want to feel judged in cyberspace. This is meant to be my safe place, afterall. If I continue to feel unsafe, and/or misunderstood then I will have to look at how I share/where I share.
I went for a walk on the beach today after dropping my daughter off at school and thought perhaps I am just meant to really turn to God right now. I have been leaning on women - or trying to get the support I have felt I have needed for almost three years on-line now. But everything has a season - even friendships. Perhaps God thinks I need to do the next bit of healing on my own. It is like learning to ride a bike. I have needed my online friends to help me through a rocky patch of grief - they have been my training wheels as such . But the wheels have come off now - or dynamics are changing - and so I feel alone in my grief and know that if I allow myself to "be" in my grief - as I am right now - I will learn to ride my bike just fine.
My life feels as though it is as balanced as it could be right now. After toning down the exercise and allowing myself to have caffeine and sugar again; I have discovered through reading "Mind Over Menopause" that I do need to keep exercising and that caffeine and sugar do not help my mood swings or hot flushes. So I am back at the gym doing cardio three times a week, weights twice a week and my yoga/pilates class twice a week. I will also walk when I can - like I did this morning. It's all about time for me - time to release some of this pent-up emotion I have and time to be - time to accept my fate and life as it stands today.
For three and a half years I hid my SIF pain from my daughter as I didn't think it was fair for her to see it. Of course she would know on some level - kids pick up on things - especially a sensitive soul like my daughter. But as I cried last night with my husband I asked him if it was time to include her - to brief her on what is going on with me. He agreed. So I simply told her that mummy was sad because she can't have any more children. No questions asked, she accepted it and then decided a puppet-show was needed to cheer me up! So she sat me in the lounge and put a blanket on me, and a cushion behind my back (just like I do with her when she is tired and/or a bit low) and put on a wee finger-puppet show with my husband for me with a box he made on the spot with a hole cut-out and a couple of makeshift curtains. It was a bittersweet moment - but I did laugh and had enormous gratitude for my five year old daughter that I have such a strong emotional and spiritual connection with.
This morning she asked me if I was still sad and then asked me why I was sad last night (as she doesn't normally see me cry). I said it was because mummy could have just one child and some mummies could have more children like two, or three "or four or five" she piped up. And then I said some women can't have any children and she said something along the lines of "and they have dogs or cats or chickens." How apt!! And the funny thing (in a way) is I have been hankering for a dog and have said to my husband if adoption doesn't happen for us; then I want a dog - plus it would be good for our daughter. Good for us. A way to achieve a family of four - a bundle of fur to love. We have a mature cat so will let that one sit for a bit.
I hosted our nineth IF meeting last night. It was a good meeting and within that meeting we established a few boundaries about pregnant women attending the group. I am meeting up next week with the local paper to do a piece about the IF support group I started. My photo will be in too but I am ready to be more open about SIF. I am truly trying to move on from it (despite the opinion of some). But I want to send the message out there that it takes time to heal. It really does.
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