I went through this process in recovery - of transforming my life so I was able to live beyond that of someone who had been strongly affected by living with another's alcoholism. It changed my life, looking at what was going on at a deep emotional level, facing it and moving past it. I am still in recovery - there is still some work to be done!
I only mention it because I find myself in a similar spot. I'm back in that place of having been through something life-altering in my life and am now in a position of making some kind of sense of it all. Three and a half years of living with SIF - of chasing hopes and dreams, trying different things, falling oh-so many times as each time a new approach failed has left me feeling just a bit, er deflated. It's not like I've reached the end of the road and picked myself up and dusted myself off to think" Oh well - that was that then. You win some, you lose some."
Nope, my response post-SIF has been a bitter one. A "why not me, God?" response. Why couldn't I have had a feel-good ending to this awful chapter of my life? Surely I prayed/desired/support other women through SIF enough to deserve it? Didn't I?
I hate that I now see motherhood as some kind of a "reward." Surely it is our God-given right to have children. There are so many other struggles in life - big and small. But not being able to have a child - that doesn't feel right or fair. I look at pregnant women or women with their proudly completed families and search for the x-factor, the missing ingredient that I obviously don't have.
Will I ever see a pregnant women and not think of myself? I'm not sure. It feels like such a deep, deep loss to lose my fertility/my reproductive years/to be in early menopause. I wasn't ready for this in mind, body and soul - that's why it's taking me so long to process and accept my fate.
I woke up crying this morning because I had a dream that I had a baby in my arms. Her name was either Rebecca-Rose or Rose-Rebecca. It felt so real holding her and the feeling of completeness I felt in my dream was amazing. Yet I knew on some level it was a dream and to wake up and feel that nothingness/emptiness that I have to live with right now - well, that was pretty sobering.
It is hard letting go of a lifestyle I ended up taking on for three and a half years. It is hard to not check into Dailystrength daily when I have done so for so long. But I know I have to let go of SIF - even in baby steps - so that the rest of my life has a chance to open up again. At the moment there is a huge gap in my life where SIF sat as it robbed me of so much time and energy. Letting go of it is hard - it isn't easy letting go of the urgency to add to our family. But it really is time to let God sort this one out for once and for all.
It feels like the right thing to do - to have this space of healing as we continue the rest of the adoption process. I want to be healed in mind, body and soul as much as possible by the time we end up in the prospective adoptive parents pool. There needs to be, I strongly believe, a gap between letting go of the TTC route and embracing the adoption path. They are two very different ways of adding to a family. If by some miracle we get picked as adoptive parents, then I want to have healed as much as I can from SIF. I am realistic though and know I cannot push that healing to happen within a given time-frame. But I'm allowing the space and time for some healing to occur - to let SIF fade into the background a bit more. That has to account for something.
I do feel as though I have emerged from a destructive relationship - even if it has been a destructive relationship with myself as I have fought so many demons within SIF. I went to some dark places and have taken SIF so personally. My self-esteem and self-worth as a woman is shattered and it feels as though it will take a long time to rebuild it. I feel so flat and empty most of the time. I have a connection with God, but I have to fight for serenity a lot of the time. I like to think I am getting there, one day at a time - moving from surviving SIF, to recovering from it.
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