On outting myself (as someone who went through SIF)

The last couple of weeks have been interesting ones post-SIF-wise. Being interviewed for a local newspaper and then interviewed live on a local radio station about the IF supported group I started has been quite freeing for the most part. It's almost as though I have given myself permission to really begin to move on from SIF. It still hurts a lot of the time, but I am trying my best to not be living and breathing SIF anymore - as I was for what felt like a very long time.

Not many people I know heard the radio interview - only my husband and a couple of women from the IF support group I started. But all (including the interviewer) said it was a good interview - that I "sounded real and on-to-it."

I've had some feedback from the newspaper article that was printed this week. The photo of me that featured next to the article was a big colour one and lots of people have given me compliments about it (have to say; it is one of the better photos ever taken of me!). I had one phone-call from a woman who went through IF who went through a very dark phase who thought it was great I started such a group. Another woman phoned up simply to share her IF story from 20 years ago! Both women now have children.

I was pleased with the article. Although I revealed my story in the interview, it didn't actually feature in it which in the end has felt like a bit of a relief. Obviously I went through infertility to be in the article - but it isn't like "all our dirty laundry is aired" as my husband put it. I have typed the article below:

Infertility support group by Matt Lawrey, The Leader, 24/6/10

Nelson women facing fertility problems need not suffer alone.
A group set up by Tahunanui woman Lynda Xxxxx meets monthly to provide support for women experiencing infertility. Meetings involve sharing stories in a safe and confidential environment, followed by a supper.
She said people often don't know how to deal with infertility when it comes up.
"It is a bit of party pooper," she said.
Lynda started the group to give women the opportunity to be with others who are going through or who have been through similar things.
"In many women's lives there is a big hole between how friends and family are able to support them and what they actually need. People who haven't been through infertility often put their foot in it, without intending to," she said.
Lynda said for many women infertility will be one of the biggest challenges they ever face.
"It can take years to reconcile a major loss like this which can hinge on a woman's identity; and therefore her self-esteem. I wanted to create a group or a space where women could start to support one another through the emotional roller-coaster ride of infertility. A place they could feel safe, be heard, accepted, understood and not judged."

The women from the IF support group itself I've had feedback from were pleased with it. Hopefully I've raised awareness a little about IF out there - in my corner of the world, anyway!

We now have an interview with our social worker in regards to the latest lot of paperwork we sent off for the adoption process. It's on July 8th. It's an hour long and I feel a mix of excitment/nerves about it. The further we get into the adoption process - the more real the possibility of adopting becomes. It is a strange process in that we really do have to think about how an adopted child will fit into our lives - yet the adopted child might never come. I am feeling a bit vulnerable as we go through this process - essentially playing our last card to parenthood for the second time. We have no choice but to put all our eggs in one basket (no pun intended there). I don't find it hard to imagine another child in our lives. Yet I worry about sleepness nights with two children - as sleep issues are just part of life with our daughter. I worry about finances and how exactly things will pan out, knowing I will have to work part-time when this potential baby is only very young. I worry about future relationships between extended family and our potential adopted child. I worry about how my autistic daughter will cope with a sibling after being an only-child for the first five years (or more - depending on when we may adopt) of her life.

But this week I had a wee talk with our daughter about adoption. She asked why I was in the paper so I explained how I had started a group for women who couldn't have children. She then said she wanted a brother or sister and was a bit upset about things. So I told her another way of adding to our family was adoption and asked her if she thought that was a good idea. She thought it was. I think she got the concept but it is a hard one to explain to an autistic child - that we may or not get to adopt a baby. She said she wanted to pick a name and wanted a sister.

In some ways it seems unfair that as a family we are making the room in our hearts and minds to accomodate a potential adopted child and all that comes with that decision. But this child may not come to us. We may not ever get picked (by a birth family). It is different to TTC within SIF. I don't feel quite so desperate. But I am hopeful. I know that if (open) adoption happens for us our lives will change quite dramatically. But I do feel strong enough to handle all the asides that come with open adoption and also know at times, if things work out, that it will be tough. I just hope some kind of healing comes out of it all. I don't expect an adopted child to take away my SIF pain or to wipe my slate clean. But I do expect and hope that another child being added to our family, if it happens, will shorten the gap that resides within our family - a family that does not feel complete.