It has been quite the process putting the profile together. I found it quite an exhausting task as essentially it was about telling our life story - and that meant including the good, the bad and the ugly. Plus I've included quite a few photos so have had to rifle through all our family photos over the last five and a half years. It has all been quite emotional and just huge really.
So to get it done is not unlike the feeling of getting a massive assignment or essay finished at university - the relief afterwards is the same - as is the questioning ie: Could I have done a better job? (!) That's why I had to email it off today as I was starting to examine every photo I had included and put myself in the position of birth families and wonder what they would think of when they looked at it. Which you of course partly have to do anyway - you do have to see things from the birth parents perspective and are encouraged to by the social workers.
I said to my husband that I thought we looked good - that our profile looks good and I'm happy with it. It is an honest account of who we are and the life we lead. It will be interesting to see what kind of feedback we get from our social worker.
Our profile ended up being 24 pages long - mainly because each new category - there were ten to write about starts on a new page. I cannot think of anything else to add so I guess it really is done!
I'm so pleased to have the profile finished though. I'm so rapt that we can wind up the year now knowing we have done our best as far as trying to add to our family goes. Good old-fashioned TTC didn't work, nor did fertility treatments or alternate methods (such as herbs, naturopaths and acupuncture) so we shall see what adoption holds in store for us.
I feel we have all the information we need, have allowed plenty of time to get our heads around open adoption (which is what social workers diplomatically encourage both birth families and adoptive parents to go for in this country), and are prepared in every way possible to be adoptive parents. I have been nesting even - especially at work - tying up loose ends just in case someone else may walk into my position sometime soon...
It does not feel like an unlikely scenario, even - that we could get picked as adoptive parents. In fact upon reading our profile, I cannot think but how can we not get chosen? Of course I'm biased and understand it's about what birth families are looking for matching what we have to offer. But I do feel we have a chance. I feel more hopeful about adoption working out for us than I ever did when TTC for our second child - even with fertility drugs and after an operation I just knew my time was up and that many of the things I tried were a big fat waste of time.
But if we don't get picked I know I will find peace with that outcome. Even getting this far - on the brink of submitting our profile into the pool has ended up being a huge healing process. Because adoption is just a maybe - there is a lot of letting go involved in the adoption process. I just feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A friend commented today that she could see a change in me. I guess to some it may be quite obvious as I feel quite different - I feel free.
Our daughter has been involved a bit with the profile. I think it's important she knows adoption could happen for us but I don't want it to be a big focus for our family once we are in the pool. I am looking forward to starting a new era in 2011.
It feels so great to get my life back again as it has been four long years of hoping to add to our family. I have some creative plans in the wings - in particular I am finally ready to start writing/editing the book I always said I would write about SIF which will be based on this blog. After putting our profile together with an index; I know the time has arrived. I'm painting again and am in an art class and am really enjoying just being in the moment. I have books to write and art to sell. I know 2011 will be about that. The second child business I have handed over to God. I've done my part. It's all up to Him now.
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