Triggered

We've just had family stay for four nights and I seem to be experiencing a bit of an emotional backlash. What seems to have come to the fore of late is that my family of origin stuff is very much intertwined with SIF. I always suspected I wanted to create the perfect family of four as a consequence of some childhood dysfunction. I am aware that there is a part of me that wants to compensate for the past - that the child within is still healing and craves a peaceful, stable and loving home life.

Perhaps the God of my understanding will just bless us as a family of three as adding another child to the mix would be a duplication of the family I grew up in - and maybe I'm not meant to recreate the past - perhaps I am just meant to have the family I have today as it stands. After having another child under our roof for four nights, it is obvious to me just how much I want to play "happy families" - so much as so I almost don't trust my own motives for wanting another child.

My parents separated when I was 24 and divorced a few months later. It was so long ago yet there is a part of me that still grieves my family - my family being altogether. All these years on and it still hurts that we (my family of origin) live in four different places within Australasia. It means we don't see each other much. It affects our daughter - she often asks if she can invite her cousins round. Obviously we have made a choice to live where we do - away from family on both sides. We did move once (to where we are now) to be closer to family but they moved away! I don't think I would risk moving for family again as people are pretty transient these days. Besides, it seems we are simply living where we are meant to be living.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment around exposure to a child who is in the midst of an unstable home-life. It breaks my heart. And of course reminds me of my own upbringing. I have shed tears for this child and there are more to come. Although I have accepted God's will of no more biological children and possibly no more children at all for our family; I do not understand why others who cannot seem to provide a child with it's basic needs are granted several children - one of life's mysteries. I suppose today I feel a gaping hole around my family of origin stuff. I envy families that are close both emotionally and in proximity. It makes so much sense why I wanted to add another child to the mix - to heal past wounds - to perhaps have a shot at saving myself and my sister by creating the kind of home-life we both craved.

I know it isn't the responsibility of course of another child to heal my wounds. But I suppose if we did get picked as adoptive parents then perhaps we - the child and I - would be able to heal each other partly. Adoption is an imperfect situation, I know that. It will not erase the pain from any of the parties involved in the adoption triad - the adopted child, adopted parents and birth parents all come with their own forms of loss to adoption. But it is a solution in lots of ways and no doubt each adoption is as unique as every birth.

I've made some progress with our profile. I will do some more work on it this week. I have most certainly been taking my time with it while tying up some loose ends at work. It is hard to believe that once we go into the pool of prospective adoptive parents that we will be at the end of our journey in many ways - it will be our last attempt at trying to add to our family. I am relieved that after this - finishing the profile and submitting it into the pool - there won't be anything else to do. I am looking forward to starting 2011 without adding to our family being our main focus. There will be no TTC, no fertility treatments/operations or an adoption process to go through - it will all be over. Finally!

At least in a months time or so this will all be over. We should be closer to being in the pool and closer to moving on with our lives. Really it will just be next year and the year after of quietly waiting in the background to see if we get picked as birth parents - and then that's it - we will be able to move on for once and for all if we don't get picked.

I want to start 2011 as SIF-free as possible - no more Dailystrength for starters. Plus I want to have some goals/things to look forward to. I plan to do the same the year after.

I feel the old me emerging a little these days though I know I have changed a hell of a lot because of SIF. I certainly have a new kind of compassion and am able to really reach out now when others face their own losses in life. All people want is to be heard and acknowledged in their grief. It is that simple. That was all I wanted and I really do not find it hard to understand that when others are faced with grief that they are feeling lost and alone like I did for such a long time.

Last week we had the IF support meeting here in town. Five of us turned up. It was a good meeting and great to see women connecting in the group. I was on the fence about continuing meetings next year but think I will hold bimonthly meetings with cafe meetings inbetween. I feel as though I wear two hats: the SIF one and a Mum hat. I still feel displaced and very much between infertility and motherhood. I don't seem to have a full membership to either club!