However, during my SIF my faith was seriously challenged. Although I "talked" to God daily throughout my tough years of SIF: I didn't make the time to listen. It was too painful at the time to hear what He might have to say. So I turned away from God in a sense - without realising it.
Throughout SIF I mainly felt unsupported by those around me. I wanted my husband, family, friends - and other mothers - to "get" SIF. I was constantly let-down by the lack of empathy given during that time.
Yet I have learnt in recent times, that this whole SIF ordeal was between God and I. It really was an exercise in faith and trust yet I was unable to "hear" God. Instead I kept hoping that one day those in my circle would understand.
I can honestly say that because of the decision I made to walk away from SIF a couple of months back; I have found God in my life again. Not only that; my relationship with the God of my understanding is stronger than ever. I no longer feel empty. Some major healing has taken place - I no longer live and breathe SIF.
I trust in God's timing and do not feel compelled to complete our profile urgently. I feel I need to get through November work-wise (as the next few weeks are going to be busy) before divulging to my boss that we will be in the prospective adoptive parents pool once our profile has been written and approved by our social worker.
The funny thing is I seem to be going through a nesting phase at the moment. Is is as though I know I need and want to get a few things sorted before going into the pool.
With hindsight I have been able to see just how lost, lonely and in despair I was during those SIF days. I was a mess and it really was a hard thing to go through in the long-term. I do think I did the best I could at the time and that it was simply a process I had to go through - I had to go through my grieving patches and allow myself to move towards acceptance in my own time.
I was surprised to have AF arrive this week after an eight month absence. I was hoping I would have no visits from AF for 12 months so I could be deemed post-menopausal! It's a light bleed anyway - but it has reminded me of how AFs presence is connected to my femininity. Without a regular cycle I find I am still working out who I am as a woman.
Our daughter is struggling in some areas at school. I have found this so hard to see. I have had some big cries around her autism of late. I guess SIF and her ASD diagnosis all happened at the same time and I didn't actually grieve or process her diagnosis initially. Because I have worked with children with ASD and Aspergers; it wasn't a big shock at the time. But now that our daughter is older and feeling the affects of living with ASD; my heart breaks for her.
We are having a Halloween party tomorrow night. I am looking forward to having nine kids and 11 adults here. We are going trick n' treating (all rigged!) and are having a Halloween disco. It will be fun. I have just been in town getting some decorations. I feel more like "me" these days - as I do like to organise get-togethers and have fun. It feels like we are having a family celebration - kind of like coming out of a rough era with SIF and inviting people into our lives again.
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