Being in Wellington, where I was born and raised bought up lots of memories .I also lived in Palmerston North twice - once as a university student in the late 80s and ten years later as an aspiring graphic designer. It is also where I met my husband - we worked at the same place - and where I adopted my cat who is now 10 years old.
We have lived in Nelson for nine years now and have very much established it as home. My husband is also from the North Island so between the two of us we have a lot of history in the North Island - also our friends and family live there.
But trekking around spots I used to hang out in and seeing friends I haven't seen for a while reminded me of the various incarnations I've had in life. I got and still feel quite triggered a day after getting back around the fact that I have lost a lot of my inner-zing and vitality because of SIF. That makes me sad. I was always the adventurous, fun-loving friend who had several projects and goals on the go. I know I'm older now; but I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. Life has become so very, very small and I have been in survival mode - simply treading water - for quite some time.
There were some friends we caught up with that I haven't seen for over two years. One friend I only saw for an hour so I just didn't go there around SIF or adoption. This friend has three children under seven. Although I wasn't jealous; I felt worlds apart from her because of all I've been through emotionally around SIF. It is strange to see a friend with the dream you had hoped for for a long time while wondering what God has in store for you.
I guess I was mainly struck with how broken I felt as we reconnected with friends and family in the North Island. I'm not bitter anymore. There is just a big empty hole where a very special dream once lived. I really want to move on and rebuild the broken parts of me but I know it's going to take time. Also I know the reality could be I may just have to somehow live with this loss and integrate it into this new life - this alternative life that is slowly evolving.
I will make a start on our profile soon. I wish I felt more excited about it than I do. I saw the movie "Mother and Child" with my Mum in Wellington which is ironically about adoption. I had tears streaming down my face in a scene when an adoption falls through - it was just a little close to the bone!
This Sunday I have organised a get-together at a cafe for the IF support group I started as it has now been running a year! I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone in an informal setting.
I am in a bit of a wierd space. I guess I feel I have moved on from SIF as best as I can yet I still have a lot of healing to do. It takes a long time to rebuild a life after going through a major loss. I still haven't accepted my premature menopause fate either. I found I felt embarrassed when we were away catching up with some friends we hadn't seen for a while as I've put on some weight and it is purely hormonal. I eat well and exercise - I cannot control my weight now and that does upset me as I usually have quite a good figure. I'm not overally fat though - just bloated - particularly around my abs and it is uncomfortable not to mention unflattering in a lot of clothes I wear. I'm in the process of having to change my style because of my changed body shape - I'm still working out what looks and feels good.
I feel I am having to rediscover who I am in mind, body and soul post-SIF and post-menopause. There are still more tears to come; still some more acceptance to find. I miss the old me pre-SIF yet I know I have changed and it might take a while to make friends with the new me again.
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