It is with a bit of a sadness that I know it will be time for me to move on from Dailystrength around the time we have submitted our profile into the pool. Really once we're in the pool, life will carry on and there isn't much more to tell or much more to share from that point on. It feels as if the circle of women I have connected with over the last three years in the secondary infertility community through Dailystrength have slowly been granted their baby dreams one by one. Recently I downsized my friends online from twenty-something to seven. Many friends got pregnant and had their second children and left the group. Others just stopped all communication. In some cases it was me who stopped communicating. I think it will be a very long time before I will be able to hear detailed accounts of a woman's pregnancy. It is also painful to hear about siblings and how much a first child loves being a big brother or sister. I still have to apply self-preservation, even though I have healed a bit around SIF.
Out of this small group of friends left online; four of the women are pregnant and one has her adopted son on the way to her from Asia as we speak. I am soooooo pleased and happy for all of them. Honestly I am. Yet, I still don't know my fate. It's not kindergarten; I may not get a prize myself. God only knows how this will all turn out for me. It seems the natural thing to do now is to continue to do what I'm doing; to gently detach myself from my online habit.
I guess my blog and Dailystrength have been my coping mechanisms throughout SIF. When most of those in my circle in "real life" failed to understand just how deep secondary infertility cuts; my online outlets saved my life. I will forever be grateful for the support I have gained over the last three years from people reading my blogs and through reading other women's blogs and journals. Being heard and accepted when going through a great loss is paramount to healing.
As I walk further away from SIF, I cannot help but think that this painful episode in my life most will be oblivious to . It doesn't seem like something I can bring up anymore. It is very odd to have been through something so big, to have survived it and to now be recovering from it still very much on my own. I guess in the future if someone with SIF crosses my path; I will be able to lend a listening ear. Perhaps I am not meant to educate the world about SIF afterall. Perhaps it will be something that I will only share with others when the time is right.
My daughter had a hard week at school last week. Some teasing occurred around her autism. She was devastated and is still processing, at the age of five and a half, just exactly what it means to be autistic. It broke my heart to see her so downhearted. I have had a few cries - the first time I've actually cried around her autism in the two years since her diagnosis. We went through so much as a family for a few years there - the early days of dealing with our daughter's autism were particularly tough and we went through that while SIF consumed me for a good couple of years.
As we sat down at the kitchen table the other night, my husband and I, and gently explained autism (once again) to our daughter with the use of a social story, I couldn't help but wonder if one day we might be having a similar conversation with another child around adoption. No doubt that would be a heartbreaking moment too; watching an adopted child come to terms with being adopted.
I guess after all I've been through over the last few years I have certainly learnt that life isn't perfect, that not all dreams come true and that great losses can just about break a person. Yet I know that it is possible to move on and to make a new start and to even find new dreams again. I'm in the process of allowing the space of letting go of the old so the new can come in.
Today I bought a 2011 diary. The next three months are busy ones - we have a few visitors coming to visit and there's a few things on. Every Christmas for the last four years I have hoped to either be pregnant or to have a baby in my arms. I don't want to do that to myself this Christmas. To move forward I have to continue to let go of the grief I have lived with for a while. I can feel my energy changing as I embrace life as it is today instead of pining for lost dreams.
Every time I log into Dailystrength I feel triggered. I was pretty depressed over the years from time to time and I am reminded of how I used to feel when I go into Dailystrength. I also see the status updates of those whose baby dreams came true and that only reminds me of what didn't happen for me. It takes me out of my present and back into the past - to a dream that wasn't meant to be and I don't think that's good for me. So I guess I made some friends for a season in Dailystrength. We supported each other during an incredibly tough time yet we are all dispersing as the wind changes. I know I will miss these connections I have made online but at the same time, I can see already that my connections in "real life" are improving as I am slowly coming out of hiding. I am reentering the world again, living my life instead of hiding in cyberspace. It feels good but it is hard changing my ways. I am not good at letting go - of anything really. But I'm sticking close to God these days, talking to Him more and journalling for me. It seems God and I have been doing some healing together.
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