But I did try really hard to get myself out of what was a bit of a depression around this limbo-land state I am in around adding to our family. I talked to God a lot and had to question whether it was all even worth it - a life that seemed so badly tinged with pain. It scared me that the pain had somehow overshadowed the joy in my life and that I felt like this. I guess I have to get quite low before raising up again and it feels as though I have had many lows over the last few years. But I do learn from them - eventually.
I feel as though I am beginning to let go of my expectations around other people. For so long I have expected and assumed that people should and ought to meet my needs. The lonely experience of SIF has taught me that ultimately I only have myself and God to rely on. Because even my close friends haven't been able to support me completely throughout SIF because of tricky dynamics (completed families, primary vs secondary infertility) as well as a lack of understanding - I have not had a BFF to turn to in my time of need. Although I have thankfully met some great supportive friends in cyberspace - I haven't had anyone in real life to turn to - not regularly, at least.
This gap in support has made me strong and caused me to reassess relationships. I see relationships more as flowing interchanges between two people. I've learnt that sometimes exchanges, even between close friends, may not happen as frequently as I'd like. But that's okay. I've spent days, weeks and even months feeling emotionally isolated and unsupported within SIF. For so long that angered, depressed and even confused me. But this experience has taught me to just take people as they come and to accept what they are able to give. God is the only one who can fill a God-shaped hole afterall.
I have been turning more to God of late - and to less to the people around me. I am on Facebook less and somehow this is freeing up my relationships. For a while I thought if people couldn't connect with me around SIF - the biggest and most awful life experience I've been through to date - then I needed to find another way. Facebook became my way of keeping in touch with lots of people and although at times I have enjoyed the lightness of connecting in that way - it isn't real enough for me. So although I will use Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family around sharing photos and updates - I will endeavour not to use it to fill up the moments of loneliness that strike with SIF.
I think would even go as far as to say that because of SIF I no longer have a best friend. I have close and good friends - but no longer a friend in my life who understands me one hundred percent. That was a big loss to go through. But now I accept I have people around me who I mutually identify with in different ways. It seems I am destined to spend periods of time alone doing my own thing as so many friends are busy and live in a different town or country even. Perhaps this is what it is like as a 40-something woman - connections with friends are precious snippets of time that don't happen nearly often enough.
I am heading off to Wellington for a two-day conference for work tomorrow. I fly back Sunday night. I will be staying with my Mum and we're hoping to catch a movie and maybe go out for dinner on Saturday night. On Sunday night I'm having brunch with one of my close friends which I'm looking forward to.
I'm sure this is all one big ramble but the point I'm trying to make is, I am really noticing how sometimes people appear in our lives at the times they are meant to - not when we think we need them. Perhaps God wanted/wants me to experience SIF primarily on my own in order to be able to process things on a deep level spiritually and emotionally. Somehow seeing things like this has helped me let go of some of the resentments I've lived with for so long around some of the friends and family members who I felt disappointed me/let me down when I craved support and understanding with SIF.
I have also been thinking too that I shouldn't see life as a family of three as a bad thing if that's the way it ends up. I feel I have let go a little around another child coming into our family after realising that holding on so tight and for so long has caused me so much pain. I have even seen a job advertised that would interest me if we remain a family of three. It doesn't quite fit at the moment - but maybe in the future when my daughter is a year or two older I may increase my working hours if she's our only child.
I have also some creative stuff on the go - an article to write for a paper (unpaid) and paintings to paint for a stall I will be having at a Fair on Easter Sunday.
I also phoned up a clinic today in town that advertised appointments for women around menopause. I am living with many symptoms still that haven't professionally been addressed so it feels good to give that to myself - a whole half hour appointment to talk to a Dr who specializes in menopause about what I've been through/am going through. Ironically I went to the same clinic in 2004 when I was at the beginning of trying to conceive the first time round. It's like closure. Seven years of starting a family and then finally accepting that I won't be able to biologically finish our family.
Our social worker today phoned as well - after a month or so of playing phone tag. It was about permanency/long-term fostering. We ticked some boxes saying we were interested. So at some point we will go in for a chat about it. If it is something we want to pursue, we will have to go for another training day. I said to her on the phone that we would have to consider ages of the child if we went down that path - that toddlers for example wouldn't work with our daughter - a non-verbal child coming in and touching all her stuff right off the bat would not be good! Ideally a baby under six months - before it was mobile so our daughter got a chance to bond (before it started touching all her stuff!) or a child three or four years old would be the best fit.
I have been going for walks on the beach once or twice a week. Last week I followed tracks down the beach made by a buggy and it felt as though I was following God. Yesterday I followed the footsteps of a child down the beach that gave me so much hope. Both times I really felt God's presence.
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