Grieving in reverse

After I wrote my last post I ended up on the bathroom floor in tears begging God to take away this desire for another child if it's not meant to be. It was the first time in 4.5 years that I have actually resorted to going on to my knees. I truly hope this results in God answering my prayers sometime soon. I'm just not sure it is good for me, my family or the relationships around me for me to be in limbo in the long-term.

I have been thinking how living with SIF/hoping to add to our family again in the long-term is like your average grief turned on it's head. In other words - it is grief in reverse. Most forms of grief - death, the end of relationships, job redundancy - you name it - have an obvious end. There may be a process to go through with most major losses in life - but most of those processes occur in a fashion which leads to a clear ending. With SIF - with hoping to be a mother for so long - it feels as though I have been grieving for the end before the end is a sure thing. Of course the whole thing has so many layers to it all - I will probably be dealing with all the issues that come with early menopause for a while yet as well as the grief of not being able to conceive again. But I cannot completely grieve for the whole thing - early menopause/SIF/ and not being able to add to our family as I don't know yet if we will be able to add to our family. I cannot sell or giveaway all our baby, toddler and early childhood stuff until I know we won't be needing it. It is all so - unresolved.

Anyway, since my meltdown last Sunday night I have been making a real effort to connect more with God on a daily basis. I've been going for walks on the beach alone, listening to music that I find spiritually uplifting and just trying to find space and time to just be so I can centre myself and find peace. I appreciate that I am probably in another depression. Perhaps it is time to get some more counselling - if so, that would be the fifth go at counselling in 4.5 years...

It seems SIF is just beneath the surface most days. I may not always actively be thinking about it but my hormones certainly remind me of it as I continue to go through "the change." I have changed spiritually, emotionally and physically because of early menopause and this has meant adjustments in my daily living. This change has equated to lifestyle changes which at times make me feel so old - especially because my eggs are all dried up and no use now. I am still a WIP in accepting I went through this major hormonal change in my life so much earlier than my peers. I still feel in shock that this hiccup (a rather big one!) came along and I somehow haven't been able to completely find my footing since.

I have been signing into RESOLVE recently. There is a good adoption group there - it's great to meet other women who have either been through the adoption process and have adopted or are waiting and hoping to adopt like me. DAILYSTRENGTH was great for three years but the adoption group wasn't that active and I outgrew the SIF community in the end as that community was about women TTC/going through fertility treatments to have their second children and didn't really cater for those who were looking at other ways of adding to their families.

I found a website for prospective adoptive and adoptive parents in New Zealand - but there only seem to be five members at this stage so perhaps it's new. Not sure. I will check in again sometime and will have a proper look around.

My daughter has been asking a lot about a baby coming into our family. Sometimes I think she would find it hard given she needs a lot of downtime with her ASD. But she said she'd like a little sister for company - to have a friend. I know she gets lonely sometimes. She seems to understand we are waiting for a baby and that it might not happen. But she likes to have rather in-depth conversations about what life would be like with a baby in the house. I wish we could have a conclusion for her too in the near future - it doesn't feel like we can settle properly as a family when there is a talk of a possible addition who may end up just being that - all talk.

I have found Facebook a hard place to be of late. When pregnancy symptoms are mentioned it is just too much, I"m afraid. As it is many completed families regularly display photos of their children, which is okay, but I cannot always comment on these photos as I cannot be part of conversations in which several Mums of Two or more start talking about their children. I just feel like the odd one out. Once again. But I do so genuinely love to see photos of the children and families of my good online friends who went through SIF and eventually added to their families. It's inspiring and gives me hope.

There are some former online SIF friends (on Facebook) I think I have recently let go of as it was all about their families - and updates and no connection with me. I know that sounds so terribly selfish and bitter but I didn't feel supported and therefore it didn't feel right being in touch with these women when I am still struggling/still not close to a resolution around completing my family.

Relationships can be hard as it is - add secondary infertility to the mix and it's no wonder SIF becomes a subject most don't want to broach because of all the complexities that come with it (as in what to say/not what to say). I know how it must seem from the outside. But still. I find it hard living with an ongoing loss so intensely, in the long-term and for the most part not having it acknowledged by those who are meant to either understand and/or love me. If I had cancer surely friends and family would acknowledge I had it - that I was ill? I have a disease with SIF. It still hurts that I feel I have to limit my social interactions because of self-preservations reasons, mainly. I did however have a great chat with a Mum of three recently who was open to hearing about the adoption process. I was okay hearing about her three children - I think it is different when the children are older than my daughter. But for the most part even the few that know about our adoption plans don't ask and I do feel quite lonely because of that. It seems it is assumed that because we are at this stage that we are all done and dusted with SIF - that we are casually waiting to add to our family in the prospective adoptive pool.

It seems there is always something going on with me around daily/weekly around:
1. Getting triggered around seeing a bump/baby/siblings/Mums with completed families

2. The unknowingness around whether or not we will get picked as adoptive parents

3. My grief around early menopause and my"broken" reproductive system

I just want to feel normal again - not like this person who walks around with a big gaping hole who feels so displaced in life.

I missed our social workers call again. I guess we will catch up in God's time. She said it was "nothing urgent."

It doesn't feel as if anything will happen this year for us on the adoption front. I'm off to Wellington for work next this weekend. I'm still busy with my part-time job. I know that's where I'm meant to be right now yet sometimes I am not so keen on God's Will! I have volunteered on a very small scale to help out at my daughter's school Gala this Sunday - just serving hot chips. When I went to one of the meetings about the Gala it was filled with stay at home Mums with two or three or even more children. I know they'd like me to help more but I am doing all I can given my schedule. I wish I was like them - that I was just at home with my kids - with my completed family - but it's not the way it is.

I feel as though I haven't written a "positive" update for a while. Sorry about that. Guess I am going through another SIF slump. Better days have to be ahead. In the meantime I will keep close to God and will continue to pray for healing and acceptance.