I'm in a bad place. Every now and then SIF and living in limbo land around my hopes to add to my family get the better of me. This desire to mother another child is something that is with me day in, day out. Even on my "good days" it is a longing that sits within me. On my bad days - which seem to vary on just how bad they actually are - I am practically consumed by my hunger for another child.
For whatever reason, I seem to be going through a bad patch with it all right now. There are some things going on around it all. It seems I need to lay my cards out on the table right now in the hope of finding some peace of mind.
I guess with my daughter turning six recently I just have this angst around time running out for us to add to our family. Only another year to go in the pool of prospective adoptive parents. It doesn't seem long. Even though I have been thinking and talking about fostering as our essential Plan C (a biological child being Plan A and an adoptive child being Plan B); I am not sure at this point in time if that is God's Will for us.
The older my daughter gets, the more intense her meltdowns. It is often the case that children with autism have aggressive meltdowns at home; particularly when going to school. We have had two meltdowns in our household in the past week. I was left with scratches down my front from one. Quite frankly I get scared when home alone with my daughter when these meltdowns occur. Even though I have been advised by a behavioural specialist to put her in her room once the aggressive behaviour starts; sometimes I can't get her in there and she takes it all out on me. A friend even suggested that I do some self-defense lessons which I'm seriously thinking of doing.
I worry about the future - as my daughter gets bigger the meltdowns will probably intensify. If I'm struggling now, how will I cope five years from now?
Upon considering fostering as a Plan C option - just in conversations with my husband - I am just not sure if our home-life is stable enough to nurture another child with a highly functioning autistic daughter. Obviously with fostering the idea is to offer a loving home and I fear my daughter could reject a child and if that happened; life would be rough for the foster child. I have to be real about it. It just hurts that if adoption fails - that fostering - our last possible option - and by no means a certain option - may not be viable.
I know I don't yet know what God's plan is for us. That there are no doubt many more days, weeks, months to go before my wish to complete our family occurs. I'm running out of patience, that's all!
I have even been looking online at embryo donations. I can't find much information about it in New Zealand. But I did find this clip http://www.3news.co.nz/Frozen-in-time/tabid/371/articleID/188893/Default.aspx which is pretty inspiring. It's not something I can see us doing but if somebody offered us an embryo or eggs - er, yes, I would consider it.
I feel desperate. I feel as though I'm just a year or two into SIF - not four and a half years into it. I feel like I should be way more healed and accepting of my situation - but I'm not. I have no-one to talk to about this. It is old, old news out there and everyone naturally assumes I'm over it - because I don't talk about. But what am I meant to say. "By the way, waiting in the prospective parents adoptive pool kind of sucks!" Many people don't even know we are waiting. I've only disclosed this to family and some friends - not even all of them. In fact, many people in my everyday life - people I see weekly at the gym and at work and at my daughter's school don't know!! And it's this big part of me - still. A big part of me that grieves and longs and hopes for another shot at motherhood. Yet somehow it is something I am suffering in silence, once again.
So today I posted a journal update in RESOLVE. I have recognised that I do need support from women in the same boat. There is a good adoption community there. I need to connect with women waiting and hoping to adopt - and to also hear from women who have adopted. Because at the moment I don't know anyone going through this and it makes me feel incredibly alone.
Writing this, it is not surprising to see why I feel depressed. Quite badly so. On the brink of tears with no-one to turn to. I also know I haven't been treating myself well lately with late nights, too much junk food and drinking - not even much drinking, but for me just a couple of drinks is not good for my emotional state when going through big stuff like I am right now. So I went to bed early last night and started re-reading a book I bought last year called "Mind Over Menopause." I do suspect that my hormones are also once again out of whack which doesn't help my perspective. I'm trying hard to be kind to me.
My husband's work is also going through a rough patch - as in there isn't much work coming in - which is worrying. I am completely uninspired in my own job right now. And I feel so awful that I've been a bit emotionally unavailable to my daughter this weekend with way too much crap going on in my head.
Most of all I feel quite disillusioned about life. I know it's not a fairy tale but I feel I have lost the ability to be happy and I used to know how to live life serenely - one day at a time. My dreams and aspirations seem to be on hold in lots of areas and I don't know how to move forward. But it seems all I can do for now is to take care of me - to self-nurture (as it's called in the book I am reading). And to pray. I have been doing some of that this weekend. I even prayed to God yesterday and asked him to take away my desire for another child if it isn't his will. I told him it's coming up to five years of waiting in a few months and I can't do this much longer - I want to be set free and to be happy if God doesn't want me to parent another child. Of course I feel all angry and bitter at the thought of that and wonder why God doesn't want me to parent another child. Clearly I'm not all that great in his eyes if motherhood for the second time isn't on the cards for me.
My daughter is having a school gala next weekend and I've been clearing out some stuff to donate. I've included a couple of pregnancy books - books I obviously referred to when I was pregnant. I just feel so, so sad that I won't get to do that again - carry another child. I just loved being pregnant. It was one of the most amazing times in my life. I almost shed a tear when I showed my daughter the photos of a glowing woman as she progressed through her pregnancy. In fact those images have been partly responsible I'm sure for my shaky emotions this weekend.
My grief is two-fold, I suppose. There is the grief around not being able to conceive and therefore experience pregnancy and childbirth. But there is also the grief that I may not get to mother another child again. It's intense at times. I just crave some lightness in my life again. I pray to God for relief from this emotional pain.
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